Hi Deirdre
This one didn't quite work for me, sorry :( When I say that, I mean the story just isn't for me.
You need to include some character description, even if it is just a simple thing of stating their age. From the start of this script, I had no idea what any of the characters looked like.
Try not to introduce a character as 'a woman' and then proceed to give her a name when she first speaks. It was a bit confusing when Dr. Connor first spoke, because you had introduced her as 'a woman' rather that just 'Dr. Connor.'
You didn't include simple things like periods at the end of your sentences, which is quite off-putting.
Personally, I feel that your paragraphs are a it too long in some places. Generally, lines of action don't go on for more than 4 lines. Try breaking your paragraphs down a bit more.
Personally, I prefer it when camera shots and angles aren't used in scripts, but that is just a personal thing.
At one point in your script, you say "it felt cold." How does the audience know that the object is cold? Try not to include something that the audience doesn't see or feel. In that sentence, you change to past-tense. Try to stick to writing for the present time.
The engravement "EVIL WILL PREVAIL" seemed cliche (sorry). I don't like making a statement that I can't actually back up with suggestions so I'll leave that alone.
your script reminded me a bit of 'The Omen' which has to be one of the best films ever, IMO. I felt at times that your story was way too close to 'The Omen.'
You say that Five years has passed at the end of the script, but don't give the audience a way of knowing that. Try superimposing: "Five years later..."
Finally, the script drags along at such a slow pace. You lost the feeling of tension in this one, for me because it was just too long. If you shortened it down, I think it would have been far more enjoyable.
Although I didn't quite like this one I do think it has the makings of a good film. You just need to fix up a few of your errors.
Sorry to start you off on a bad note in this one.
Good Luck!
Daniel
No FADE IN:
First slug-- INT.BEDROOM.NIGHT
Should be, INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
They are done this way throughout the script. You need a space after INT. And instead of a period, use a dash.
A young woman called Rebecca.
This is a bad way to start off your script.
You don't need "woman called", you can just say, "Rebecca".
Just say, "Rebecca sits on the edge of her bed."
Preferably, you should have her age and a description as well.
Also, your first sentence is in the progressive tense, instead of the present. "is sitting" as opposed to "sits".
I would also break up the initial action/description. It's a little chunky, especially to start off with.
Also, I'm not sure what's going on with your commas and question marks. There are unnecessary spaces before them.
On the first page, you're missing a period after Rebecca.
You have "Marlene pushes her daughter away". I understand, but it's a little unclear as to who her daughter is.
Avoid saying "stares at the CAMERA".
Just say something like "stares straight ahead."
Again, halfway down page one, you have "sitting". Be careful of putting words that end in "ing" in your script. Of course, there are plenty of them that you can use. But, don't say Rebecca is sitting, running, eating, etc. They should all be, Rebecca sits, runs, eats, etc.
You can, however, say, Rebecca sits on her bed, eating.
Also, regarding sounds-- they should be in ALL CAPS. For example: Marlene takes the SCREAMING baby. Or A KNOCK is heard on the door.
Another thing, you don't necessarily need "is heard". You could just say "A KNOCK (at the door)".
TYPO-- page 1-- The woman comes in, CARING a briefcase. Also, in DR CONNOR, you need a period. "DR."
TYPO-- page 2-- What does nobody understand. Needs a question mark.
TYPO-- page 3-- The first line of action on the page, there's no period. Also, the last line for Marlene, there's no period.
TYPO-- page 4-- You have, "post postpartum". Unless this is way after childbirth, there is an extra "post". Also, in the first line of description on the page, you need a period. Actually, there are periods missing everywhere, so just check the end of every sentence for them…
TYPO-- page 6-- You may note even believe YOU.
On page 7, you have, "The room is dark and all the lights are off." That's a little redundant.
Also, on at the bottom of page 7, you have Rebecca leaving the house and going to the Volvo. You need an EXT. slug. Then when she gets in, you need an INT. VOLVO slug.
On page 8, when Marlene notices that the baby is gone and that Rebecca has most likely taken it and is about to kill it, I don't think her first words would be "I need the police, please." I assume she would be a little more frantic than that.
On page 9 you have, "Rebecca is laying on the floor, dead." Not sure if it was meant to be funny, but I actually laughed out loud when I read that line.
Halfway through page 10, for some reason, you decided to switch up which tenses you wanted to write in…
First you have, "Dr. Conner WALKS over to Rebecca's body." PRESENT TENSE. Then, "Her eyes and mouth WERE still open. Dr. Connor CLOSED them. She GRABBED her hand. It FELT cold." All in PAST TENSE. (also, how do we know how the hand feels?) Then the next line, "Dr. Connor NOTICES." back to PRESENT TENSE. After that, you have "Father Pascal Murphy is KNEELING." This is PROGRESSIVE TENSE. And then, back to PRESENT TENSE with, "The church door BANGS open."
I think you might have just set a tense changing record…
And the on-the-nose dialogue award goes to these lines--
FATHER MURPHY: "Go to Mrs. Lyle. Tell her what's going on. Get her to bring the baby here. Once it has been brought here, I will kill it."
Hopefully by this point, I've given you enough things to fix, because I just don't have the heart to type any more.
I don't want to come off as an asshole, but it seems like you tried to write the most stereotypical script possible. It's a concept that has been done time and time again. Unless you have a new twist on "demon child/satan baby/future apocalypse bringer", I wouldn't bother.
It seems very similar to The Omen, The Orphan, End of Days, The Reaping, The Last Exorcism, and about a dozen others I've seen.
If you do decide to keep this one and do rewrites, please check for spelling and grammar errors. Also, a lot of parts felt rushed. Most of the dialogue seemed like what you would expect that person to say in a b-movie. There is no feeling/passion/originality in the dialogue.
I don't mean to only say negatives here, but I didn't find many positives. Sorry.
Best of luck, though.