The Horrors of Babysitting by Brandon Batista (ectoplasm) - Short, Horror - When slacker babysitter Abby gets stuck looking after six year old Valerie, she realizes just how much babysitting bites. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Brandon,

How do we know what Jennifer looks like?  We've never seen her.  As that kitchen scene is written, you can't get away with that.  All that banter between her and Abby, too be honest, most if it belongs on the cutting room floor.

What makes this piece stand out from any other vampire tale..?  You didn't bring anything new to the table.  Predictable from start to finish.   Maybe that's what you wanted, oh well...

Needless to say, "The Horrors of Babysitting" didn't do much for me.  But this is JMHO, others may like this a lot.

Good Luck

Ghostie

Hey, Brandon :)

I couldn't fault this one in terms of formatting or grammar.

Overall, a very quick and easy read.

Good job!  ;D

Daniel

Hey thanks for checking this one out guys, to answer your questions ghost...

1. I just plain old don't like describing characters in script form to be honest with you, If someone produces, I'd like there to be no restraints to what this person has to look like, to let the character speak for itself.

2. I made the conversation to get a better grip on the kind of person Abby is.

3. Yeah, it's more of a fun little vamp story I figured could be done for cheap, nothing more, nothing less.

Aside from the Goosebumpy vibe I'm getting from the name, it's doable -- But I'd still change it.

Cut Mr. Kelson saying thank you.  It's just a back and forth, I get my turn talking spree -- enough is enough on page one.  Let the wife say "Thanks, we will."  and end it.

No need for a full scene slug if your scene, which clearly hasn't, ended.

INT. KITCHEN

or

KITCHEN

Would both suffice here... no need for continuous as we know it's a transitional thing.  One room to the next.  Not one room, an hour later, to the next.


PAge 6 was redundant.  Really?  Do you need that kind of in your face banter?  I think not.  Do away with it.

You also missed an opportunity to at least have Abby try and tell them about the bottle incident, but they cut her off or something -- I'd have done something like that than to waste time with your "Bye" "Bye" "Bye" "ok, bye" banter.

An awkward, too un-balanced pace on page 7... It just doesn't seem like it would work well on film here.  There needed to be more of a tension filled build up to this bit.

Again, don't need any of the long drawn out headers you got.

Never put a (BEAT) inside an action.  Waste of space.

The last part loses it on me... totally.  The end dialogue, no.  Cut it.  Just have her hold her neck and lay back down with a sigh of relief.

Overall, I see this working if it were longer and paced better.  I see it as a Tales from the Crypt episode.  It could work, but in the state that it's in -- I dunno?? I can't get totally into it, but I don't totally hate it.  I don't like Vampires much, but there is substance here.  

The twist isn't hanging me up because I didn't go in expecting one... If you were trying to have one, it failed.  Don't go with a twist, just go basic with it and tell a horror story since you're already on that path.

+ Some decent dialogue.  
+ Clear writing, aside from some quarks in your formatting.
+ Solid, yet familiar territory.
- Not paced well.
- Too much nonsense speak going on.  "Hi" "Bye" "No" "Yes".

I enjoyed it... but it could be much better with very little effort on your part moving forward.  

Hey Baltis, thanks a ton for your thoughts, they really help. As for the hi, bye, kinda stuff, I saw something awhile back how people in movies always awkwardly hang up without saying goodbye like normal people, so I was trying to avoid that type of thing.  

I thought is was a well told story.  Reads good and clean and at no point does it seem lost.  This would film easily.  When I got to the end I thought, "OH boy is he gonna get ripped for a 'The whole was a dream' story, but then you saved if with the holes in the neck.  Very nice!

Thanks, Steven, glad you liked it and I'll be sure to check your stuff out.

The only thing I have out there until the 7WC is the beginning of a rewrite: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1335931136/

I'd love to hear what you think.

Even though it needs work, this was a cute little short.

There is a lot of dialogue that could be cut out. Like when the parents are leaving. It could just be them saying that they would be home around eight.

You don't need to CAP Jennifer. She's on the phone and not there. We don't see her.
Her O.S. should be V.O. for her dialogue.

I'd like to see more and hear a lot less of her talking to her friend on the phone.

I'd also like to see the babysitter noticing little things about the kid and wondering if it's really what she sees. You know, what makes a vampire a vampire. Bad breath, no reflection in the mirror... stuff like that... then the fangs.

I have a similar script about a babysitter finding out she is babysitting for a family of devils, "Monster's Lullaby" is what mine is titled.

Anyway, I thought this was cute, just needs some tweaking.  :)

Cindy

Thanks, Cindy, those are some good suggestions and I'll be sure to keep them in mind.

Brandon, the good news is that this is much better than the last short I read of yours, but there are still many mistakes on display, that you should really address, understand, and fix going forward.

Your Slugs are very problematic.  Many of your full Slugs should be Mini's, meaning when the action moves from 1 room to another, all you need is the actual room they're now in.

For instance, on Page 6, you have, "Abby hangs up and steps into the..."  Your new Slug that follows should be a Mini - "LIVING ROOM".

Other times you didn't even use a new Slug when the action moved into a new room.  And, at other times, the action moved, but your Slug was given a line or 2 late.

Your opening Slug as well as some others are incorrect, as you're not being specific enough, when most of the time you are.  You need to be 100% consistent.

You've got a number of typos and grammar errors throughout.

Many of your passages aren't broken up properly.  Keep in mind that a passage should only contain a single thought or action - think of it as a shot - when the POV changes or a new camera location is required, use a new passage - it will give you nice white on the page and be an easier read as well.  And don't go over 4 lines.

Story-wise...well...didn't do much for me, sorry to say.  As others have noted, way too much dialogue that just isn't remotely necessary.  The long phone conversation doesn't do anything and Jennifer's inclusion in the script is a real head scratcher.  All this dialogue stuff takes away any tension you could have and should have been building.

When things get going, there is potential for tension, scares, and even "horror".  But it's not handled well.  It plays out with a teeny-bopper feel, and even though we've got a family of less than nice vampires, attacking a babysitter, it fails miserably in terms of providing any real terror or scares.

It's also extremely obvious very early on where this is going, and when that happens, either purposely or not, you have to deliver the goods for it to work.  You didn't and that's why for me, this didn't do much.

But,as I said, it definitely reads better than what I've seen from you in the past, so that's a step in the right direction.  I'd recommend proofing a little more and being very careful with your Slug use.

Hope this helps.

Thanks, Dream, I'm definitely gonna follow that mini slug format from now on. Glad you like it better than my other stuff. Sorry you didn't dig the story but thanks for giving it a chance regardless. You've given me a lot of helpful advice on all my work and I'll be sure to return the favor as best I can.

Hi Brandon. Initial thought - was it the intention of the parents to have the babysitter find out they were vamps? I'm guessing so, otherwise they might be the world's most indiscreet and shoddy vampires - what with leaving blood in the fridge and all.

Wasn't sure of the overall tone. Lines like 'This is so not worth the money' suggest comedy, yet there wasn't enough of this type of thing to qualify it for that, so I was left a little befuddled.

Other's have mentioned there's a lot of telephone dialogue that can be cut. I'd agree with that - and also that there is alot of room here for more creepy tension building.

Use all the above suggestions from the nice folk here and you could have something real nice on your hands. As it stands it seems a little thin. The 'twist' at the end seemed a bit of a cheap shot. I think I said the same thing about your zombie short. All shorts don't need to have a twist, and in this case I think this would help if it didn't.

Personally, I'd have the family drain all Abby's blood, then bottle it. Then they could wear her skin as clothing and hats.

Thanks for the read.  

Thanks, Basket, for the tone I was going for campy horror. As for the twist I don't put one in all of my shorts but here it felt like it fit. As for the parents wanting her to figure it out all along, not really, the only drink left was Veronica's so she wouldn't have drunken it anyway.

This was a quick read.  Everyone else already mentioned the things I was going to comment on.  

The main things I had a problem with were too much dialogue that didn't matter and a few blocks of description were a little too long.

Over all it was a decent story.

Thanks, Nomad, much appreciated.

I get a "Scream" kinda vibe from this short. It is a little simple, predictable and contrived, but certainly filmable.  It just won't be winning any awards or adding anything new into the genre (neither of which is a reason not to create material like this).

Give a little more visual descriptions about your staging; what does the interior of the house look like - and how does that play into who the people that live their are (ie furnishings, decor)?  Your settings should play a part in establishing character; afterall; 3 of these people live here.  Abby should also have a different vibe about her and you could suggest that through visual descriptions in the script.

Just a few minor things...

p1
-I'd consider staging the first scene just inside the doorway, with the parents going through the final preparations to leave (adjusting clothing, checking wallets, bags, keys, writing their number etc) as a clue that they are leaving (you have them already out the door, with Abby inside; that staging could be confusing - making the audience think it is Abby's house and the parents are visitors).
-It is night when the parents leave, but they'll be back at 8? picky I know, but consider revising
-After closing the door, there is an opportunity for Abby to reveal something of her character and/or attitude to your audience; how will she react when the door is closed?
- A style question to you all; do posters here prefer; "Abby (20)," or "Abby, 20,"

p2
-"Abby gets up and walks over to the..."; suggest replacing "over to the..." with "out." (you do this again later)
- I think you are correct to uppercase "JENNIFER", an actor is still required to play the part, even if the is O.S. (someone else mentioned this earlier) - although the description
-I don't have a problem with the phone conversation, as it goes to her character (the fact she has other things she'd rather be occupied with)
-I'm not entirely convinced you need to describe her as "African American" if she is just a voice (although it does play in to the "racist..." remark later)

p3
- misspelt "JENIFFER" (give yourself a backhander... :P )
-"who's" should be "whose" (who's is "who is" or "who has")

p4
-blood has a very strong smell, and viscosity; I'm not convinced it could be "spilt" without knowing what it is - suggest the wiped hand bumps Abby's shirt as Valerie reaches for something (maybe the chips? do vamps eat chips?)

Your profile doesn't give much info, so in saying this script does seem rather adolescent - I hope that's not insulting to you. I haven't been around here long enough to get to know more than the obvious, regular posters; but to me, your script seems to be well-developed technically.  I'd be quite pleased with my (high-school Media) students submitting work of this calibre.  Keep writing; keep following feedback - and your writing cannot help but improve...

Have fun with it... :)

Hey thanks, Gerry, I'm 19 and I'm not offended by your comment at all.

Hey Brandon,

Good to see more work from you, I see you’ve now turned to vampires instead of zombies…guessing it will be a werewolf story next?

Well the good news is that I enjoyed this on the whole but thought it was too long for what it was. Two much dialogue which was superfluous and added nothing to the story.

I also felt that the climax felt rushed and never built up enough tension for what could have been a very scary ending.

I liked it but think it could be a lot better if there is more tension built between Abby and Valerie before the final confrontation. Also have to wonder about the “it was all a dream” ending, surely Abby would check her neck as soon as she woke up?

As for the writing, well it read fast and I had no major problems getting through so that’s good but the slugs were a problem and I think you already know from other feedback about using mini-slugs here. It would have helped the read no doubt and looked nicer on the page.

These are the notes I took during the read:

P.1 “INT. VALERIE’S HOUSE – NIGHT” Vague, where are they in the house?

“(hands Abby a folded piece of
paper.)”

Thought this wrylie looked messy and would be better in an action passage.

P.2 “Abby gets up and walks over to the...” When did Abby sit down? Where is she at the moment? She closed the door and walks into the kitchen but where was she in-between?

“African American.” How would we know what Jennifer looks like over the phone?

“dining table” In the kitchen? Must be a big kitchen but I have no visual of the room because you never gave one.

“JENNIFER(O.S)” Think this should be (V.O)

                       ABBY
                Unfortunately.

She literally just stuffed chips in her mouth? Wouldn’t she be muffled or something.

P.3
      
                       JENNIFER(O.S)
               I told you that cop was racist.
Is this dialogue really important to the story?

P.4 “Abby picks up the bottle, too late to save it’s spilled
contents.” Found this line confusing? When did the bottle fall or leave Valerie? Why is Abby picking it up?

P.6 “Abby hang up” Should be “hangs”

P.7 “I need to drink some to get better.” I think “some” could be taken out of this line to make it read better.

“Abby rushes upstairs.” How cliqued, right out of the horror not to do’s.

“onto a step” Or “onto the stairs”

Feel like we’ve missed a few slug changes along the story here.

“and grabs it off of a dresser” or “and grabs it off the dresser” reads better.

P.8 “(beat)” Huh? This seemed out of place on its lonesome.

“INT. ABBY’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS” Should be Valerie’s house.

“Valerie appears downstairs” Did she just literally appear like magic or did she come down the stairs? Be more visual here.

P.9 “SCREAMS.” You had “screams” earlier in the script but it wasn’t capped, I wonder why? Both seemed to deserve it for the effect.

Overall an enjoyable read, it had a few little niggles but nothing that took me away from the story.

I think this shows your development and that’s a great sign so well done, buddy.

Good work. :)

Steve

Hey, Steve, thanks for the read as always, you've pointed out some good stuff I need to fix up. And lol at the werewolf thing, I had actually begun writing a werewolf script awhile back, guess I've just been in a horror mood lately.

It’s an ok vampire story.
To be honest, it's no different from other vampire stories I've come across.  
For some reason, I was expecting some kind of comedy (John Hughes "Adventures in Babysitting" and  Robert Rodriguez's "Four Rooms" segment was in my head)

Anyway, it’s structured well and you do a good job with the formatting/slug lines.
A couple of things though, why wouldn’t Abby suggest a glass of water when Valerie says she’s thirsty? She doesn’t know she’s a vampire yet. Seems odd.
I would add in some kind of time passed by when Abby falls asleep to when she wakes up to give the audience some kind of time frame as to how long she slept.
Something simple, maybe a digital clock/cell phone etc.

Overall, it was a good, quick read!
Good work.

Hey, Brandon

Quick read, straight forward. You had one revelation which was the family being vampires. There wasn’t much plot what can you do with only couple pages, and you did have something.

You still hit major beats. Including return of the killer where Abby thinks it was all dream but we see that it wasn’t. I will say try to show and not tell.  For example you say in the narrative she oblivious, but we’re already under the impression when she wakes thinking it was all a dream.

You mentioned you just wanted something to shoot real easy, and I think mission accomplished. I’m sure you’re just trying things as develop as a writer.


BLB

Hey, thanks for the feedback Steex and Busy, you make good points that I'll review if I ever rewrite this one.