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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Scripts  /  Scheisse
Posted by: Don, May 8th, 2012, 6:23pm
Scheisse by Jordan Littleton (nomad) - Short, Comedy, Horror - An inept scientist attempts to breathe life into his greatest creation. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: Forgive, May 8th, 2012, 7:51pm; Reply: 1
Hi Nomad - I thought I'd check this out - yeah it made me laugh - let's not be coy - it ain't the best written script, but I like that you've having fun with them - there's a nice idea here, and you went with it - as long as you enjoy what you're doing - then the rest may well come together in its own time - nice one!
Posted by: GerryBuilt, May 8th, 2012, 9:11pm; Reply: 2
An amusing little short. This would be great shot for an appropriate Film Festival (Cirque de Nocturne, maybe?).  While not earth-shatteringly ground-breaking, it has something to offer to the genre.  It may not vcome out side-splitting funny, but certainly amusing. I especially liked Humpen's "This, I can fix!"-attitude. It is technically good writing, especially your action/descriptions which build good, strong visuals.

other than that:

Minor typo, p2; "BEGIN FLASHACK:" =  "BEGIN FLASHBACK:"

Thanks for sharing; that was a fun little read ;-)
Posted by: Nomad, May 10th, 2012, 1:04pm; Reply: 3

Quoted from Forgive
... there's a nice idea here, and you went with it - as long as you enjoy what you're doing - then the rest may well come together in its own time - nice one!


Thanks for the read SiColl007. This was a challenge from Movie Poet where at least one of your characters had to be a zombie, mummy, vampire or ghost.   I chose to have them all in one character.
Posted by: danbotha, May 12th, 2012, 5:45pm; Reply: 4
Hi Jordan

Couldn't fault this one in terms of format. It was well-written  ;D

I enjoyed this one. It was a quick, incredibly amusing read.

Looking forward to reading some more of your work :)

Daniel
Posted by: GerryBuilt, May 13th, 2012, 2:09am; Reply: 5
BTW: the aforementioned (inaugural) Cirque du Nocturne, for interested peeps... Their website is but a few days away...
Posted by: alffy, May 13th, 2012, 2:30pm; Reply: 6
Jordan, I've a few early issues with this.

The lightning illuminates the lantern, so is the lantern not lit?  You describe things happening off screen, inside the grave but then the coffin opening which would suggest we can see in the grave?  Also Humpen speaks before being introduced.  Maybe his dialogue should be O.S?

You say Smith wears a hospital gown and then again in the next action, this can be cut.

page 3, Humpen's dialogue should be O.S. again as you faded out and he spoke before the fade in.

You have few grammar issues too, with missing comma's and the like.

It's not all bad though as the story is interesting enough and is quite funny to boot.  I'd like Humpen to have a more distinct accent but that's an easy fix.  Tidy this up a bit and it's not bad.

Hope this helps.
Posted by: javisiete, May 16th, 2012, 12:22am; Reply: 7
I like the story. It is really funny. But I would like to see more changes in Smith before he turns into a ghost.
Posted by: Nomad, May 16th, 2012, 2:59pm; Reply: 8

Quoted from GerryBuilt

other than that:

Minor typo, p2; "BEGIN FLASHACK:" =  "BEGIN FLASHBACK:"

Thanks for sharing; that was a fun little read ;-)


Thanks for the read, GerryBuilt.  Thanks for catching the typo too.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.


Quoted from danbotha
Hi Jordan
Looking forward to reading some more of your work :)

Daniel


Thanks for the read, danbotha.  The blue text in my signature below are links to my other shorts.  If you read them, please let me know what you think.


Quoted from alffy
Jordan, I've a few early issues with this.

The lightning illuminates the lantern, so is the lantern not lit?  You describe things happening off screen, inside the grave but then the coffin opening which would suggest we can see in the grave?  Also Humpen speaks before being introduced.  Maybe his dialogue should be O.S?

You say Smith wears a hospital gown and then again in the next action, this can be cut.

page 3, Humpen's dialogue should be O.S. again as you faded out and he spoke before the fade in.

You have few grammar issues too, with missing comma's and the like.

It's not all bad though as the story is interesting enough and is quite funny to boot.  I'd like Humpen to have a more distinct accent but that's an easy fix.  Tidy this up a bit and it's not bad.

Hope this helps.


-The lantern is lit but it's not discernible.  I should clear that up.
-You're right, Humpen should be O.S.  We don't see the coffin open, you just hear the noise.  I'll put 'creaks' in caps.
-The use of 'hospital gown' twice doesn't seem out of place to me.  I could say 'attire' the second time but it didn't strike me as too critical.  I'll give it another look.
-I thought Humpen speaking right after, FADE OUT, was clear that he wasn't on screen, but for proper format reasons, I think you're right.
-I need to work on my commas.  I know.

Your review helps a lot.  Thank you very much.


Quoted from javisiete
I like the story. It is really funny. But I would like to see more changes in Smith before he turns into a ghost.


Thanks for the read, javisiete.  The challenge I was tasked with was to use at least one, Zombie, Mummy, Vampire, or Ghost.  I used them all in one character and I had a 5 page limit.  In a rewrite I could expand on the various forms Smith takes on.

Jordan
Posted by: DV44, September 18th, 2012, 10:02pm; Reply: 9
Hi Jordan, It was an amusing read. I agree with javisiete in that I would like to see more changes from Smith before he turns into a ghost. Nice little story- Dirk
Posted by: rolo, September 19th, 2012, 3:47pm; Reply: 10
Hi Jordan. Liked this one and could see why it's today's 'Script of the Day'. Not much to add really. The sudden change in tone on page 2 was a little jarring at first but I soon got used to it.

Really liked the line: "No Mr. Smith, you are not dead and this is not heaven. This is not even Iowa. " A nice "Field of Dreams" reference which worked well tonally.

Think it would be more authentic if Humpen addressed the dead guy as Mr. Schmidt rather than Mr. Smith.

My only criticism really is, I struggled visually to see exactly what was going on with the vampire bat and the head. Just couldn't picture it - but that might just be me.

Overall a good job! Well done!
Posted by: Zack, January 10th, 2013, 6:52pm; Reply: 11
Hey Jordan, just finished this.

I enjoyed it. It's a fun little script and I gotta admit it made me chuckle.

The format was spot on and the writing in general was just excellent.

Actually, my only complaint was that some of the ealy dialog was a little on the nose and just didn't flow. but once you got settled in and got into a groove it was smooth sailing.

Good job and good read. :)

~Zack~
Posted by: Dreamscale, January 11th, 2013, 11:49am; Reply: 12
Shit, Jordan!

Scheisse!

;D ;D ;D

How could I resist anything titled "Scheisse"?

My German Ex-Girlfriend used to call me a Scheissekopf when she was pissed at me.  I'd tell her I wanted some das hund action, if you follow.   ;D ;D ;D

Jordan, on a serious note, as others have said, there are lots of mistakes on display here.  many of them, rookie mistakes, others just lazy ones.  All in all, I actually like your writing style for the most part.  Your voice shines through and that's hard to do.

I was liking this early on for what it was, but as it went on, it lost its glimmer, IMO.  I understand it was written for a certain challenge, but on it's own, it does not stand up for me, as there's very little story here.  I guess it could be funny, if executed in an old school Mel Brooks style, but I found myself looking forward to finishing it, the longer the same jokes kept coming.

I see this was written awhile ago.  My advice is to edit your work very carefully and present the best you, you can.  I think you've got some writing talent, Jordan - just make sure we see that, and not the mistakes.  
Posted by: dogglebe (Guest), January 11th, 2013, 2:08pm; Reply: 13
I thought this was a cute script, though it ran a little long.  Comedy has the rule of three's and I think you would benefit from following it.  Otherwise, it was well written.

I have a problem with Humpen calling himself a physician's assistant.  It sounds self-depreciating and not something that any mad scientist would be.  Just leave that part out.

Hope this helps.


Phil
Posted by: Nomad, January 11th, 2013, 4:22pm; Reply: 14
Thanks for the reads everyone.  Like Jeff said, this was for a challenge a while ago.  It got an honorable mention at Movie Poet, but it's by far not my best work.

It's a little painful to read my older stuff and see all the places where I could have tightened it up.  It's probably the same for all of us.
Posted by: Kip, January 11th, 2013, 4:45pm; Reply: 15

Hi Jordan,

I didn't think this was bad at all and put a good couple of smiles on my face when I was reading it. That's always a good thing. I take it iowa isn't the place to live then? :)

And good descriptions early on. Always a winner.



Kip.

Posted by: Nomad, January 15th, 2013, 3:52pm; Reply: 16
Thanks for the read Kip.

The Iowa line was a reference to the movie, Field of Dreams.

I'm glad you liked the descriptions.  I try to be a vivid as possible without writing a novel.
Posted by: Grandma Bear, June 18th, 2014, 2:08pm; Reply: 17
I'm still trying to repay my reading debts and I found this one in your sig.

I thought it was pretty funny. I have no idea what issues with the writing some people have. Either this one is a later draft or I'm just blind to that stuff.

Story wise I thought it was cute, but I would've like some kind of twist or something more ironic happen to Humpen himself. Other than that, pretty good job!  :)
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