Quoted from Forgive
... there's a nice idea here, and you went with it - as long as you enjoy what you're doing - then the rest may well come together in its own time - nice one!
Quoted from GerryBuilt
other than that:
Minor typo, p2; "BEGIN FLASHACK:" = "BEGIN FLASHBACK:"
Thanks for sharing; that was a fun little read ;-)
Quoted from danbotha
Looking forward to reading some more of your work :)
Quoted from alffy
Jordan, I've a few early issues with this.
The lightning illuminates the lantern, so is the lantern not lit? You describe things happening off screen, inside the grave but then the coffin opening which would suggest we can see in the grave? Also Humpen speaks before being introduced. Maybe his dialogue should be O.S?
You say Smith wears a hospital gown and then again in the next action, this can be cut.
page 3, Humpen's dialogue should be O.S. again as you faded out and he spoke before the fade in.
You have few grammar issues too, with missing comma's and the like.
It's not all bad though as the story is interesting enough and is quite funny to boot. I'd like Humpen to have a more distinct accent but that's an easy fix. Tidy this up a bit and it's not bad.
Hope this helps.
Quoted from javisiete
I like the story. It is really funny. But I would like to see more changes in Smith before he turns into a ghost.