Serial Killer by Alex Sarris - Short, Comedy - A serial killer wanders through an unlocked door to take out his evil revenge on an unsuspecting victim in an ending that you will never forget. 2 pages - pdf, format 8)

The "ending I will never forget" might be more humorous if the title did not completely spoil it.

And for only two pages, this script is also stuffed with unnecessary details that slow the read way, way down.  This could easily be trimmed to a single page if done right.

I have a few more comments for this one should the author chime in to say hello.

Hey Alex.

I'm in agreement with Bert, here. For a two page script this one does seem to drag on for awfully long.

Page 1: Great to see a FADE IN .... I may be mistaken, but they should be above the slugline.

You have definitely falling victim to overwriting, something I haven't gotten over yet. I'm willing to specify if you're around these boards.

Cut down on unnecessary words and you should have a good short.

Daniel

I think this is a clear example of a writer taking his first shot at writing a script. It might even be the first draft of a first script.

So, lets be nice.

:)

To the writer, here's some brief observations (if you're around).

The first page - the little girl, the electrician, the painter, the gardeners and the small Honda.

You don't need any of these. You could literally have the man walk up the path to the house, for what it's worth.

I 'get' the attempt at humour (I think) with regards to the title of the script and the final scene, but...it's not enough, even for a two pager (which could essentially be a one pager if the needless detail was cut). It's not clever enough to be a sketch, unfortunately.

Also - unless we inhabit the world of 'Repo Man' (awesome movie from the 80's) a box of cereal generally doesn't just say 'Breakfast Cereal' on it. You could make up your own brand name to avoid any copywrite issues.

Hope this helps.

Okay - I'm not going to go against the general consensus - post deleted.

There is some good stuff I here but a lot of fat too. Your opening sequence is way to long considering what it is you are trying to say.

You need to make sure you CAPITALIZE you main characters when introducing them for the first time. That’s is important.

You tend to use passive verbiage a lot too. When describing action in your script, it’s good to lose the “ing” in your action.

The first sentence is a good example. A well dressed man is walking…

Should read as a well dressed man walks.

You don’t want your action to sound continuous rather something that happens and is done.
You might want to make your characters more personal as well. Instead of schoolgirl, perhaps give her a name. That way, we become more invested in her.

You have to watch the un-filmable’s too. When you say something in your action like, CK says nothing as she passes by. Basically what you are saying is nothing. That is like saying the wind showed itself. You might be describing something but can you show it on screen? If not, don’t put it in your script.

Also, let’s work on being somewhat more creative with the action line as a whole. Take the time to decide how you want them to begin. The reason I say this is because in your action lines, you use “He” 15 times in a row to begin those sentences. After a while, it sounds like instructions, not action.

Bert’s right, this can either be trimmed down to a page, or take the time to fatten it up and developed into a story. As it stands, you are telling a story but in the end, you lose the readers interest.

Quoted from Forgive Okay - I'm not going to go against the general consensus - post deleted.

Thanks, S.C.  That was the correct call.  I was trying to figure out what to do with you, since that post seemed (generally) out of character.

Quoted from Ledbetter I've made comments like this in the past and Don would pull it, and PM me crawling up my a$$ for beating down a writer.

Really...you get beat-downs from Don?  I thought that was my job?

I did not know he did that -- at least, not often.

Take heart author -- if you are around.  All is not lost haha.  Now I am like I really hope he shows up.

I hope the writer chimes in. We all have to start somewhere. And here is where I started and have grown..and need to uh grow a lot more. We all start somewhere and you can't really be a writer unless you ...write. :)

One piece of advice, and this it to myself as much as you, read. Read scripts... all you can stand to read...

For the writer...I'm in the same boat...learning...I still have an overwriting habit I'm trying to break. Anyway, keep writing..look forward to reading some more of your work.

I have to say, I have learnt more about scriptwriting finesse here, than anywhere else; by reading other people's scripts and reading constructive feedback (the key being constructive). Harsh words like those of SiColl do nothing to help build a writing community.

Whilst this script is fledgling at best, we all had to start somewhere. He some ACTUAL constructive feedback:

You need to read a few of the better written scripts around here; I like the shorts section, because I am time poor and want to learn technique. A quick read of thd first few responses will tell you if the structure and technique used are 'good'. Also read the Academy's script writing guide (you'll find links through a search of this site or Google for it). Your structure is bad, but it is a little out of whack in places. The story isn't particularly good; but we all need to develop a comfort zone before we can break out of it. An artist doesn't pick up a brush and simply start painting masterpieces...

You've got a good handle on structure; develop that and play around more with story ideas. You have built up some good visuals in your action lines; but you need to tighten them(you'll get some advice on this by reading responses to the work of other people here). Keep at it; and don't get caught up in the occasional negativity.

No writer improves his craft, or anyone else's, by beating up the less capable...

Corrections to my post:
Para 2
-He some = here's some
Para 3
-structure us bad - structure isn't bad

Hard to post from iPhone... :/

Quoted from Ledbetter You tend to use passive verbiage a lot too. When describing action in your script, it’s good to lose the “ing” in your action. The first sentence is a good example. A well dressed man is walking… Should read as a well dressed man walks. You don’t want your action to sound continuous rather something that happens and is done.

see! This is awesome feedback!!! This is my learning for the day... Take this and learn from it; I certainly did...

Quoted from bert   Really...you get beat-downs from Don?  I thought that was my job? I did not know he did that -- at least, not often.

Do not let Don's outward appearance fool you. You pi$$ him off and he comes whipping.

And I learned. Oh how I learned...

It's been a while sense I got a good chiding from you Bert. I need to step up my game.

Shawn.....><

Meh, this could've been better. I like how you set up the shower scene, very Psycho-esque.

I think the box of cereal should have an expiration date which he checks. When he sees that it's out of date, he kills it.

It's all set-up for one quick laugh. I think most people would roll their eyes if they saw this on film. I would cut it down to one page. Feels more befitting of a commercial. To sell what? I have no clue...

James

Hey Alex,

Let me start by saying it will be nice to have someone else from W.A on the boards, I live south of the river myself.

The logline drew me in with “an ending that you will never forget” I wouldn’t go that far but it certainly gave me a chuckle. Other than that, there was nothing here. It was basically all set up for that scene which is fine of course, that’s what it was meant to be.

However, the writing does need some work and I’ll be happy to elaborate if you’re around…hope so?

If not then all the best.  :)

Steve

Quoted from CoopBazinga Let me start by saying it will be nice to have someone else from W.A on the boards, I live south of the river myself.

My Dad lives in Perth if that counts...

Quoted from danbotha My Dad lives in Perth if that counts...

I guess it will have to do... ;D

Thanks all,

Sorry for taking so long to respond though I just realized my script had been posted.

I really appreciate all your responses and have read through them and found some great points.
I will go through these tomorrow and edit/redo parts of the script.

I am new to this and wrote a few short simply to gain some experience and knowledge and the responses are certainly helping.

This script was meant as a bit of fun and I never took it to serious though will redo it to incorporate the comments posted.
I am waiting for another script to be posted that I have put a significant amount of more effort writing and I am looking forward to all your thoughts with that as well.

Once again thanks All and looking forward to getting to know you all in the future

Regards Alex

Quoted from Alex_212 Thanks all, Sorry for taking so long to respond though I just realized my script had been posted. I really appreciate all your responses and have read through them and found some great points. I will go through these tomorrow and edit/redo parts of the script. I am new to this and wrote a few short simply to gain some experience and knowledge and the responses are certainly helping. This script was meant as a bit of fun and I never took it to serious though will redo it to incorporate the comments posted. I am waiting for another script to be posted that I have put a significant amount of more effort writing and I am looking forward to all your thoughts with that as well. Once again thanks All and looking forward to getting to know you all in the future Regards Alex

Welcome to SS!!

Hope you learn many new things on this site. I think it's awesome!

Thanks danbotha,

I am learning quickly !!!!

Alex

Hey,
I'm a little late to the party here, but I have to agree with the majority of the previous posts. I know I probably sound like a broken record, but even though this is just a 2 page sample with a ton of problems, it still shows a lot of promise.

There's an abundance of description and the story isn't focused, but I can definitely see your potential as a storyteller if you continue to keep at it. For now I'd just try to tell a simple story and slowly mix in the weirder elements as you go. Maybe if you wrote a detailed outline before it could help make the story more cohesive?
Good luck and keep plugging along!
Nate

Thanks Nate

I have done a bundle of changes to the script and have resubmitted it.

It still probably needs more work though a lot of the appreciated comments have been taken into account.

The title has changed from the last version though the logline has not been updated. Sorry

Regards Alex

Alex

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t smile at the last line even though its rather lame and I suspected as much from the title.

Not much more to be said except the writing is overly descriptive and laborious. This skit could’ve been wrapped up in a page without all the superfluous details of him walking here and there.

Keep at it.

Col.

Alex,

Not a whole lot to add that hasnt been said. You are very heavy with the description. Make sure what you decide to emphasize has something to do with the story being told. I thought some of the description about creeping into the house was okay. I also didnt know why you gave away the twist in the title. Anyway, welcome to SS and hopefully some of the reviews will help out.

Thanks Tailbest,

I have changed the name as it did give things away, and had also thought of doing this previously though the comments have reinforced this.

I have also taken out sections and amended the end so the length remains though with more relevant things happening.

Regards Alex

I fully understand.  I often kill 3 - 4 boxes a week m'self!  :)

Funny little story.  The set up with all the people doing odd little jobs on the street reminded me of how Alfered Hitchcock would set things up.  All those potential witnesses.  

The little girl being thrown in as a possible target.

I like it!

Thanks Steven8

Its funny how others say these parts where not relevant and to remove them and you like them.

It goes to show you that there may not be a right and a wrong way to do things ??

We are all different !!!! And have different opinions.

I love it !!!!! No one is wrong !!!

In the world 20 million would love something and another 20 million may hate it !!!!

Thanks for reading my script and i appreciate your thoughts

Regards Alex

Hi  all,

Thanks for all your comments and please find the updated version now posted.

Looking forward to further comments

Please note the title has been amended though the log line has not been amended. Sorry.

Regards Alex

Alex,

thought I'd give this a look since the re-write.  Not much to add in terms of the concept, it's a one joke shot with mixed appeal.

In terms of the writing it seems you've worked to cut out some of the superfluous stuff. I recall there being a longer intro in the original, so you're on the right track.  Still a few bits here and there you might want to consider:

INT. - HOUSE - LAUNDRY - MORNING

A pile of dirty washing lines the floor. The noise from the
washing machine can be heard.

He Pushes a door open to reveal a vacant toilet and breathes
a sigh of relief.

Could try:

INT. HOUSE - LAUNDRY - MORNING

RUMBLE of a WASHING MACHINE.

CK pauses by a door. Tenses as he opens it , empty. He relaxes.

Or something like that.

You could argue this whole quick scene could go, skipping straight to the HOUSE - PASSAGE scene. It really gives us nothing relevant to the story, could even combine the two.

Naming the schoolgirl Sienna: Maybe a personal thing for me, but I'd probably just leave it at Schoolgirl seeing as it's a short and she's only one line.  Probably not a biggie though.

Don't think FADE OUT/FADE IN halfway through the script are necessary.  Could cut straight from the shower to the knife with more impact.  The timing of the FADES would look odd?

'He lift the bread knife' -- should be 'He lifts the bread knife' there's a few words missing plurals here, maybe read it aloud to yourself a few times to catch them.

I think you've mentioned this is your first script.  Still working these things out myself so don't feel this is a negative view, just keep reading other works and getting your own stuff out there.

Steve.      

Glad to see it's a lot shorter and cleaner than the original read.

I also liked that you kept the "stabbing multiple times with a vengeance" line.  That won't translate onto screen exactly, but it made me laugh.

Overall, it's better, but the concept itself is just too well known of a joke.  There's not too much you can do with a single joke that's been dragged out to death, unless you flip it on its side: like if the murderer killed people USING cereal.

Anyways, good improvements.  A few spelling mistakes.

Thanks Steve and AsteroidJuice,

As mentioned it was the first script i completed and the other few shorts followed it.

I am learning quickly, and feel all the comments are constructive and i dont take anything to heart. You can only improve by listening to those who are the experts and I have learnt so much from all you guys in such a short time.

Asteroidjuice, i looked up Cereal Killer on youtube and there are many references to it though nothing similar where someone kills a box of cereal !! I have also written a much shorter version as a television commercial.

Regards Alex

Thanks Steve and AsteroidJuice,

As mentioned it was the first script i completed and the other few shorts followed it.

I am learning quickly, and feel all the comments are constructive and i dont take anything to heart. You can only improve by listening to those who are the experts and I have learnt so much from all you guys in such a short time.

Asteroidjuice, i looked up Cereal Killer on youtube and there are many references to it though nothing similar where someone kills a box of cereal !! I have also written a much shorter version as a television commercial.

Regards Alex

Alex,

I'll start off by agreeing with most everyone else in stating that the title (as well as the logline) made predicting the ending a simple chore. I was actually reading this, waiting for CK to stomp on a cereal box or something.

The actual script wasn't badly written. Though it did feel stretched out at places, I wouldn't necessarily say you're a bad written. Maybe just inexperience, as am I.

One thing that struck me as odd was the continual use of quotation marks around CK's name in the action. I don't know if it's official formatting protocol but I've never seen that before and it stood out in a sore thumb sort of way.

Cereal takes forever to expire.  ;D

BLB

Thanks BLB but ironically not in my house. it never make it there.

Regards Alex

Hello All,

Just thought I would bring this to the top to say thanks to all the SS members for their comments.

Just to let you know that I have signed of a non-exclusive with a production company in the states to undertake this one.

I hope to post the link when it is finished for all that contributed to see.

Once again thanks for your help, highly appreciated.

Regards Alex

Congrats and good luck, Alex!

Gage

You seem to have done alright with your formatting...something im still working on. good job,but yes,cut back a bit on the detail and youll be looking good.

Quoted from Alex_212 Hello All, Just thought I would bring this to the top to say thanks to all the SS members for their comments. Just to let you know that I have signed of a non-exclusive with a production company in the states to undertake this one. I hope to post the link when it is finished for all that contributed to see. Once again thanks for your help, highly appreciated. Regards Alex

Awesome job, Alex! Always great to see active users on SS getting their deserved share of success. Great stuff!

Very cool Alex- Can see this as a funny commercial. Good work.

Thanks Dirk,

I do have a TV commercial version and where talking to a major cereal manufacturer though they where hard  work to deal with, so I dropped them.

I received a link to the youtube trailer for "Serial Killer" today and will post the video when I work out how.

I can post the link to YouTube though would rather, post it so the video is visible on this thread.

Hopefully will do it soon

Alex

Congrats Alex- Hope the youtube video works out for you.

Alex I think yet another congrats is in order.

Looks like you've signed the script over to people who know what they're doing. This trailer is well done.

Great job!

Thanks Daniel,

There is something about the scream at the end that I don't like.

It sounds a bit ????  No idea !!! High pitched or something ?

Alex

I thought it sounded a little fake to be honest. Like one of those pre-made sound effects you get with your editing software...

Thanks Dan,

The director told me it was deliberate and wanted to make it cheesy as a kind of , shot at the traditional serial killer type movies.

I guess that is understandable when you see the end of the full version.

I believe editing of the full version is complete and they are working on the music.

Regards Alex

Hi guys,

I thought i would bring this to the top again to show you the final Cut of "Serial Killer"

I have passed my thoughts onto the producer and feel some parts do need a little work though it was made on a budget of next to nil so I cant expect too much.

Hope you enjoy it.

Regards Alex

Must be great seeing your name on a film :)

Good work, Alex!

What! No nudity. ;D

Wasn't sure about the music score or the ending, especially the scream but like Dan said...must be great to see it on film.

Well done, Alex. :)

Thanks Dan and Steve.

Yep great to see the finished product and I also have others doing this screenplay so a few versions will be good to see.

Alex

Hi All,

Here is another version of Serial Killer produced by Lazaro Gonzales.

Hope you enjoy it.

Regards Alex

Alex I thought this was well written with the action, I could see that you wanted to build up the tension. But this one could have been a bit shorter, I did like the ending, just wish it got there sooner.  ;D

I didn't get it. Psycho. Keep writing. It seemed longer than two pages. =)

Quoted from Chris Ramos I didn't get it. Psycho. Keep writing. It seemed longer than two pages. =)

Hey Chris, what is it that you didn't get?

Alex

Quoted from Alex_212 Hey Chris, what is it that you didn't get? Alex

I don't get the story. Why would he stab a cereal box that's expired; I get that it imitates psycho but the cereal box? I don't get it. In Psycho, does the guy say "it's expired" somewhere in the movie? Because then it makes sense. :) Keep writing!

Oh!!! Serial Killer! I get it now. It all makes sense now, but still you need bring
more attention to the title because I got the joke a day after I read it.

Quoted from Chris Ramos Oh!!! Serial Killer! I get it now. It all makes sense now, but still you need bring more attention to the title because I got the joke a day after I read it.

Hey Chris,

Glad you got it in the end. The screenplay was originally titled Cereal Killer, though I had so many complaints that it gave the ending away so it was changed to Serial Killer.

The thread is titled Serial Killer, the title page has Serial Killer on it and apart from putting Cereal Killer on his forehead there wasn't much that could be done.

Every person that has read It and watched the video, clicked straight away, so I think it works as it is. Sorry.

Alex

The video had no tension and some questionable music choices, some pretty bad ADR too.

On script, seems more like an SNL piece than anything else to me. Not reading anything before reading the short, I knew where you were going with it.

Keep writing.