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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Scripts  /  Becoming a Property Tycoon
Posted by: Don, May 21st, 2012, 5:38pm
Becoming a Property Tycoon by Alex Sarris - Short, Drama - It is the story of Scott, a homeless person who moves from living in a tin shed to moving across the spectrum and becoming a home owner and a business man (with a twist) in an exclusive suburb overnight. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: Gage, May 21st, 2012, 7:37pm; Reply: 1
A bit slow.  I love the last line, though.
Posted by: nawazm11, May 21st, 2012, 7:52pm; Reply: 2
Hey, Alex. Looks like the title is fixed. :)

Not sure why the scenes are numbered.

Page 1: "A homeless man Scott" How do we know he's homeless? Cut it IMO.

Not sure if you know this, but when first introducing a character, you need to caps their name.

The first sentence is really awkwardly phrased, I'd change it.

First you say he was sleeping on rags, but then you say a stained blanket? Stick to one, IMO.

"He composes himself and then walks out of the shed through a tin/timber door that he pushed open to reveal a rear lane way." What?? ;D Not sure what you mean by this sentence, reads very awkwardly.

"As he approached near the end of the lane way" Also, not sure if you already know this, but scripts are written in present tense.

"and he investigates them one by one." Take the 'and' away and start a new sentence, IMO.

Three sentences in a row which start with "As he". Change it up a bit.

No need for the extra Fade Ins, and Fade outs in a short.You only need one Fade In at the start and a one Fade Out at the end.

"exclusive suburb" How do we know this?

Page 3: No need for camera directions, unless you're filming this yourself?

"you can see by his rapid eyes movement that he is thinking about his next move." Ditch that, as it's not possible for the audience to even know he's thinking about "his next move". His eyes moving would be enough.

Seems a bit strange saying that to yourself...

"where the river views are." Guessing that's somewhere in Sydney?

"then back at his house as if he is comparing the two." His house?

I'm really confused at the moment. Which house is which? Which one is he in right now?

Page 5: "You can hear the snoring clearly and he seems very comfortable." Try not to mention us, the reader in the script. We, you, our, us is never needed.

"with a close up of his face showing he is clearly enjoying himself." No camera directions needed. Also, explain what his face looks like if he's enjoying himself.

"He reached" Present tense.

Page 6: "(As he gives a wave)" Need a separate line for a parenthetical. Your screenwriting software should probably have it built in.

Give the streets some more recognizable names. 1, 2 and 3 feel lazy.

"(Viewed from behind not to show his face from here on) " I see what you want to do here but that just doesn't look good in a script. There's gotta be a better way of writing that.

Page 7: "Not taking her eyes of Scott as she is delighted at his presence" How do we know she's delighted?

Page 8: "She is overwhelmed by his good looks obvious wealth and is fidgeting and very nervous" This! You really need to cut it, as it's not needed in any way at all. Also, it's impossible for the audience to even know this if they're watching a filmed version.

"(pause)" For a pause in shorts, we use a (beat), which basically means pause.

And, finished! :)

Okay, Alex. I'm not going to focus on the story here as I think you need to work on your format more.

Is this your first script? Better be! ;D Only joking. :)

Your writing is very novelistic. You try to back up everything you write by putting a reason right after. This is really not needed in screenplays. You only say what's happening on screen. Nothing else is needed. Because of this, you use a lot of unfilmables, which basically means what it sounds like. ;D Everything you write, just think, Can I actually film this? If I film it, will I know he's homeless? Will I know what he's thinking? Will I know that he's enjoying himself?

You have a lot of unnecessary descriptions. They're really not needed. You overwrite in nearly every sentence, and you can cut down on so much. If you really wanted to, you could make this 5 pages. Let me get you an example. "He opens the door and walks out as he looks down the street at the piles of junk on the verges and then proceeds down the street." Or, "He opens the door, walks down the street." See? I cut more than half the sentence, as everything else isn't needed to tell the story.

You might not want to focus on this point, but really, try not to use "is" or "ing". I saw it a lot in the script, and you didn't even need them. "Scott is standing". How about 'Scott stands"? See, it reads a lot better.

Another thing I noticed was that you didn't break up your sentences properly, mostly because you kept cramming them with too much unnecessary information. It just doesn't read well. "Scott does this and he does this and while he sees this and then this." Easily editable.

You also need to capitalize speaking characters when you introduce them.

If my comments seemed harsh, I apologize, Alex. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask me, or any regular on this site really.

Good luck, and keep writing. :)

Mohammad
Posted by: Alex_212, May 21st, 2012, 7:57pm; Reply: 3
Thanks AsteroidJuice,

I am glad to hear you like the end, I was playing with the idea of him becoming a millionaire by finding out the painting that he found was worth a fortune.
This would then be the fairytale ending (which a lot do) and I thought by him still being poor and sticking it up the rich was more effective and out of the usual.
A bit tongue in cheek.  :)

Thanks for your comment and taking the time to read it.

Regards Alex
Posted by: Alex_212, May 21st, 2012, 8:00pm; Reply: 4
Thanks Nawazm11,

The script is correct so it must have been a typo when doing the submission. [fixed, bert]

Sorry my fingers are too fat !!! Hee Hee Hee

Alex
Posted by: GerryBuilt, May 21st, 2012, 10:32pm; Reply: 5
general
-Your Action/Description could be trimmed somewhat; but the detail is generally good; building your visuals

mostly minor stuff, but:
p1
-Pretty sure the FADE IN should be the first thing on the first page - certainly not AFTER a slug.
-you mention the "tin shed/garage" three times in the action/description that follows, but never once the same thing.  I think it would be better to call it "deserted tin shed" in your slug then refer to it as "tin shed" or "shed" thereafter in your description (adding necessary detail).
-A charcaters first appearance is capitalised (ie "SCOTT")
-I think props/costume etc (such as BEANIE) are uppercased, right?
-STREET 1 and LADY 1 are a missed opportunity to give your locations and character some, ahem; character

p2
-oh; recycled street visuals from 'Cereal Killer'
-Sydney Harbour Bridge and Sydney Opera House need first-letter capitalisation
-Scott moves into STREET 1 (where the garbage was), then to the FORESHORE, then back to STREET 1 (now finding waste for removal) to build a house and on p3 the house moves to STREET 2...  p6 it is STREET 3; your slugs have become confused

p3
-nearly every block of Action starts with 'He'; try to "mix it up"

p5
-where did he get electricity?

p7
-"Scott smile..." = "Scott smiles..."

p8
-check formatting for parentheticals
-bank scenes can be covered with mini slugs
-split dialogue from TELLER (ie re-slugged)
-capitalise characters on first mention (TELLER, YOUNG LADY)

p9
-"bank que" = "bank queue"
-"both hands being his head" = "both hands behind his head"
-"Hello William Rodger speaking."="Hello William Rodgers speaking."
-“Aimee” the teller - just refer to her by her character name

The payoff for this is not great, but there are some nice things in this script. The reaction to the two different appearances of Scott is better than the bank scene.
Posted by: Alex_212, May 21st, 2012, 10:57pm; Reply: 6
Thanks GerryBuilt,

Appreciate you taking the time to read my script and your comments are appreciated.

I will go through them and make edits where I need to.

With regards to the electricity Scott plugs the extension cord into a power socket adjacent to a BBQ nearby (page 4)

Regards Alex
Posted by: GerryBuilt, May 21st, 2012, 11:21pm; Reply: 7

Quoted from Alex_212
With regards to the electricity Scott plugs the extension cord into a power socket adjacent to a BBQ nearby (page 4)

holy wow! I missed that entirely...

I think this is quite filmable, but I'm not convinced the 'twist' at the end is quite enough payoff.
Posted by: Alex_212, May 21st, 2012, 11:48pm; Reply: 8
Thanks GerryBuilt,

I agree with you and also feel that maybe something else is needed at the ending though not sure what ?

Any suggestions would be appreciated ?

Regards Alex
Posted by: CoopBazinga, May 22nd, 2012, 8:01am; Reply: 9
Hey Alex,

I know you were after feedback on this one and I believe this short has had some interest shown in it from some directors in Sydney?

Anyway, I’m going to be honest and not sugarcoat this.

The writing needs a lot of work technically and there numerous problems throughout IMO. As such I found the story a bit difficult to get into, sorry.

Firstly the logline is not great and needs some work.

Fade in is on the right when it should be on the left but this could be your software and no biggie really, just worth mentioning for future reference.

The scene numbers, a serious turn-off for me personally and I found them interrupting with the page numbers at times.

Characters need to be capped on first intro.

Sometimes you write in a past-tense which is very awkward to read and something you need to cut out of your writing.

You’re overwriting at times with superfluous detail that has no importance to the story, keep it short, simple and to the point.

Try to write in the present, cut down all unnecessary “ing” words and “ly” adverbs.

There is no need to fade out in the middle of the script unless it is important to your story which here for me it wasn’t.

Make your slugs more attractive and less vague – “STREET 1” is too lazy IMO. Give the reader as many visuals as possible, if done correctly you could achieve so much visuals in your slug alone.’

Think

EXT. SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE – DAY – You wouldn’t have to go into as much detail in your action now with scene details as we all get an image instantly. Yeah I know not every scene is set at a famous landmark but hopefully you see what I’m saying.

Top of page 2, this is the definition of lazy writing IMO. Isn’t this action literally the same as in “Cereal Killer” I’m pretty sure it is?

It’s okay to have morning, afternoon, dusk and such in your slugs but I would recommend sticking to the basic day and night until you’ve grasped the technical side better.

These are just some of the main things I noticed from your first two pages but if I’m honest, there were other problems such as grammar and awkward phrases/sentences as well as repetitiveness in your action.

Also take time to proofread your script thoroughly, there were quite a few typos which I noticed.

As for the story, it has potential but wasn’t for me I’m afraid, I think the ending was okay but one question that came to mind. If this is a rich suburb in Sydney, wouldn’t the police have been called immediately and ejected Scott, probably thrown him in jail for a few days also probably.

Just let me know if you like me elaborate more on your script and I’ll do it over an e-mail for you?

Take it easy, Alex.

Best of luck with this one. :)

Steve
Posted by: Alex_212, May 22nd, 2012, 8:05pm; Reply: 10
Thanks Steve,

I really appreciate your honesty as I want to get it right.

The truth is I have a great imagination and are good at visualizing scenes though i lack on the technical side and need to perfect my writing techniques.

I have bought a couple of screenwriting book though they go more into the story and what is required in a good script and mention very little on the writing side of things.

I accept where my downfall lies and are willing to work on it and take criticism from those who have been down the same path before me.

Steve you mention emailing me regarding the comments though i was wondering would it be possible, if you could be so kind as to mark up your comments on a copy of the script and email them back to me. That way it would be clearer and probably make more sense to me. I would really appreciate if you could do this.

You are correct i have had interest in the script though as i feel it may be very filmable and have had 3 people emailing me regarding the script, so no idea at this stage where things will go though i am (slightly) confident.

I also have been indecisive regarding the ending to the story, i have toyed with 2 alternatives and not sure if either one is the way to go ?

These include:-
1. The current ending where he remain poor though realizes he has had one over on the rich and pulled the wool over their eyes.
2. When he leaves the house and realises his pockets are empty he decides to take the painting he found and hung in the house under his arm to sell it. When he gets infront of the bank he sees the same painting hanging inside and upon entering the bank staff realise he has the original ????
3. No Idea

Any comments or suggestions for the ending would be appreciated ?

Once again thanks for your comments and looking forward to your suggestions.

Regards Alex


Posted by: danbotha, May 23rd, 2012, 12:30am; Reply: 11
Hey Alex.

I tried many times to get through this one.

For me, you overwrite, a lot. Having received the same comments on my scripts, I can't really say much on that. I kept finding myself having to read back on your action paragraphs to try and get an idea of what was actually going on. Eventually I got frustrated and stopped reading.

As I didn't really read far into the story I can't comment on the way you tell your story.

I'll b keeping an eye on this one for more revisions, as your logline interested me from the start.

Daniel
Posted by: Alex_212, May 23rd, 2012, 2:25am; Reply: 12
Thanks Daniel,

The toing and froing in the part where he constructs the house certainly gets a bit confusing when you first read it as he goes back and forth and collect items to build his house.

I could simplify this section and not be as detailed with the amount of items or alternatively collect more per trip ???

Not sure what to do here even though the read may be harder the visual in a short movie should be fine!!! I may get rid of some fluff !!!!!

Thanks Alex
Posted by: Colkurtz8, May 24th, 2012, 6:51am; Reply: 13
Alex

I'm afraid this had me scratching my head more then it generated laughs. This was mainly down to the overblown, confusing prose and a good idea ill handled. I thought the idea of Scott making an abode from leftover furniture has some potential as I lived in Sydney for a few months and worked in upscale neighbourhoods and boy do they leave a lot of stuff out to be brought to the scrap heap. You really pushed the plausibility levels to the max with the sheer volume of accessories he accrues but I get it was for laughs so that’s ok.

The fact that everyone treats him differently now based on his appearance in that he exudes wealth and status is again an interesting idea but I think a bit more tact and restraint wouldn’t go astray. This is obviously a criticism on superficial people who only want to know your area code, how many cars you have and where do you vacation but I think it’s played too goofy and broad to carry any weight. The bank scenes, again, have potential but for me are just too over the top and ridiculous for them to really hit home and for your point to be expressed effectively. The women's overtly flirtatious reactions to him when he's sporting his new look are overwrought too and a just come off as silly, in my opinion. Again, a bit of restraint would go a long way here.

Story and theme aside the writing needs lots of work. You need to read scripts and see how they should be written in terms of cutting out the excess, only telling us the essentials and looking to write shorter, punchier sentences. A lot of your descriptions are rambling and just flat out poorly written making the read a chore.

Plus, you have some of the longest wrylies in the history of screenwriting. For example:

TELLER (AIMEE)
Really (She is overwhelmed by his
good looks obvious wealth and is
fidgeting and very nervous). Err Err.

-- Everything above that's in brackets should be in the action lines instead.

Overall, I do think you got funny idea here, it’s just let down by poor execution.

Keep at it.

Col.
Posted by: Alex_212, May 24th, 2012, 8:19pm; Reply: 14
Thanks Col.

Your comments are appreciated.

Just to advise you I am far from being a screenwriter and have to build up my technical side. This Script is the first i have completed even though i have done some work on a feature.

I really have a great imagination for storytelling though it is my mothers tongue that let's me down. Hee Hee Hee. After comments from people on SS I hope to refine this.

The storyline I feel is enjoyable and the idea behind the story is effective. There may be a few things that are a bit far fetched though did "Rambo" really save the world ? Watch Stallone's speech at the end of Rambo, now that is unbelievable.

I am considering a change to the ending though have not decided yet.

On the story side of things the girls are so overwhelmed at his good look they are virtually falling over each other. This may be a silly though it is a bit of lighthearted fun that I am sure many can relate to this after having made a fool of ourselves in the past over a guy or girl, I don't really have the time to build a relationship for them to get to like him so it has to happen in a flash (Love at first sight).

I really need to edit all the fluff out of the script and make it more crisp and hopefully when i repost the edited version the comments will be more positive.

Once again thanks for your comments.

Regards Alex
Posted by: Alex_212, June 11th, 2012, 8:15am; Reply: 15
Hi all,

Just to let you all know that I have now posted the edited version and look forward to your thoughts and further comments.

Thanks to all that commented and especially to Steve (coopbazinga) for emailing me some detailed notes.

Looking forward to your responses.

Regards Alex
Posted by: CoopBazinga, June 14th, 2012, 7:32am; Reply: 16
Hey Alex,

I’ve just read this again and a lot has improved and you’ve managed to shave off about a page I think so good on you for keeping at it.

However, the writing still needs to be tightened up and you need to get rid of all the superfluous details which for me play no part in the story you’re trying to tell.

There is one instance which comes to mind as an example which was the same in “Serial Killer” I believe. Scott strolls down the street with Porches and BMW’s parked up, great so now we know it’s a rich suburb which is what you’re trying to get across…

…But then you go on to introduce five characters and describe what they’re doing at that moment like an electrician fixing an antenna on the roof. These characters never come back and have no bearing on the story whatsoever IMO and this for me is what you need to work on, it’s about trimming the fat and getting to heart of your story.

Also the story is still too well over the top but that’s just my personal opinion, I think you need to scale down on his hoarding to be more realistic but it all depends on the tone you’re going for… if it’s supposed to be over the top then my apologies.

Apart from all that, there are still some very basic errors happening like the parentheticals which are all wrong.

                                             SCOTT
                                   Hello. (With a smile)

Should be:
                                             SCOTT
                                       (With a smile)
                                   Hello.

Also Aimee’s dialogue, she changes to “teller” at one point so you might want to change that.

And you don’t need “the end” and “fade out” at the end, one will suffice IMO.

Like I say, a lot has improved and good on you for cracking out a rewrite so quickly but this still needs to cleaned up IMO for a smoother read.

Hope this helps, buddy. :)

Steve
Posted by: Forgive, June 14th, 2012, 6:05pm; Reply: 17
Hi Alex - seen you around, so I thought I give this a quick read - half-minded to go back through all the feedback.

One of the first pieces of feedback you got was from nawazm1:

Page 1: "A homeless man Scott" How do we know he's homeless? Cut it IMO.

Which bit of this feedback did you notice? Myself, I took in 'page 1'. Mainly because it matters - when you open stuff - first impressions & stuff.

Lets be honest. This is a mess:

'A homeless man SCOTT (35) with long messy hair and a long beard awakes and places a beanie on his head and then tidies up the rags he slept on.'

-- did you mean all in one smooth movement?

So let's take a step back for a moment:

INT. DESERTED SHED - MORNING

We're inside the shed, so how is it deserted?

So first we see -- SCOTT (35), matted hair, etc.

Then -

He awakes.

Then -

He places a beanie on his head.

Else --

SCOTT35withmessyhairwakesupandplacesabeanieonhishead.

And then it becomes a tin shed? Okay. How about:

INT. TIN SHED - DAY

Beams of light pour in through holes in the tin shed's roof.

SCOTT (35), ... etc
Posted by: Alex_212, June 14th, 2012, 8:13pm; Reply: 18
Thanks Steve,

I will go through the script and try and shave a bit more of to make it easier to read.

I left the electrician part in the script because it shows that the electrician does not trust Scott as he walks close to his van and keeps an eye on him. Scott is perceived as dishonnest or desperate  because of the way he looks and this segment reinforces that. So i feel it is relevant to the script as a whole.

I will try and shorten the descriptions about the characters and leave it more to the director (If any) to decide.

I was trying to make the story a bit over the top as the house needs to look half decent compared to the over the top houses that exist in the street. I am thinging of creating the house with a series of several phots's though not sure if i should or how to go about it in a script.

I recently noticed a few errors on the script and have fixed them, "the teller" being one of them.

I also have some location photo's that i took from Streetview though no idea how to put the JPG on this thread. I will look into it.

Thanks for your help and looking forward to meeting some time.

Regards Alex  
Posted by: Alex_212, June 14th, 2012, 9:00pm; Reply: 19
Thanks SiColl007,

Now I am a bit confused, If I take out the word homeless, how will they know what he looks like ? I guess the word homeless sets the scene for the way he is dressed, looks, how dirty he is and maybe even his mental wellbeing.

If I was to Say Scott (35) with matted hair would it give the same impression of him ?

You are also correct with the wording "Deserted Shed" maybe "Derelict Shed" may be more appropriate.

As I am new to this, I am still coming to terms with the amount of detail I need to write or more importantly, not write. Please forgive my lack of experience.

Looking forward to picking the brains of those gifted writers !!!!!

Alex
Posted by: Alex_212, June 15th, 2012, 1:19am; Reply: 20
Hello all,

Below are a couple of Location Pic to give you an image of the intended  filming location for this script.







Posted by: danbotha, June 15th, 2012, 2:58am; Reply: 21
Hi Alex

First off, great idea of posting photos of locations. Personally, I thought the way you described the setting was fine as it is, but the pics certainly helped matters.

I haven't read the feedback on this, so I hope I don't repeat too much.

I found the beginning a little slow and you lost me in a few places. From the bank scene onwards, I got fully into the script, which is a bit worrying as that scene comes in towards the end. Nevertheless, I did enjoy it.

Page 5:

                SCOTT
       (As he gives a wave) Good Morning.

Should be...

                SCOTT
       (As he gives a wave)
  Good Morning.

On page 6, you have Scott talking to Danielle and then he starts talking to Horrie and Myrtle. Nothing wrong there, except you don't really explain what has happened to Danielle. She kinda isn't there all of a sudden.

Page 7:

               SCOTT
  Hello. (with a smile)

Should be...

               SCOTT
        (with a smile)
  Hello.

By this point in the script, I've noticed that you like to use parentheticals, a lot, which is fine. Just one suggestion... keep them short and to the point, so we don't lose track of your story.

e.g.
              SCOTT
       (with a smile)
  Hello.

could easily just be...

             SCOTT
       (smiling)
  Hello.

You may find this picky, but at this stage in your writing it's the little things that count. You can easily cut down on unnecessary words and still get the main point across.

When you say "Westpac" you mean the bank, right? I'm not too sure on this, but I think "Westpac" is an Australian and New Zealand company only. The use of a brand name here is fine for a kiwi reader (such as myself) or an Australian reader. What about an American reader who reads this and has no idea who "Westpac" are and what they do? Just something to think about.

Page 8: "INT. BANK - MANAGERS OFFICE - MID MORNING" - Why not just have it as "BANK" when we first enter "WESTPAC"?

Page 9: "Just at that moment "Aimee" walks into the room holding a tray..." - Why do you have Aimee in quotation marks?

Overall, a bit slow at the start, but I enjoyed it. I could go more in depth if you really want. The picky side of me has found a few things that I didn't think worked too well. If you're interested in finding out what these are, just let me know and I can certainly give you a bit more feedback.

Look forward to seeing more on this one :D :D

Daniel
Posted by: Forgive, June 15th, 2012, 10:54am; Reply: 22

Quoted from Alex_212
Now I am a bit confused, If I take out the word homeless, how will they know what he looks like ? I guess the word homeless sets the scene for the way he is dressed, looks, how dirty he is and maybe even his mental wellbeing.

If I was to Say Scott (35) with matted hair would it give the same impression of him ?


I think this is the key to the writing though - "If I take out the word homeless, how will they know what he looks like ?" - the 'they' that you refer to - isn't this going to be the viewers? Or are you refering to crew members? Irrespective, you still have to get this across to viewers, and write as a visual medium. Viewers certainly won't see the word, so does he roll his sleeping bag up - there's a number of visual cues you can give to ensure a watching audience understand.


Quoted from Alex_212
You are also correct with the wording "Deserted Shed" maybe "Derelict Shed" may be more appropriate.


I'm pretty sure you've gotten confused here ... or you're confusing the reader a little - your slug is INT. but your derelict/deserted makes more sense for EXT. But also, I'm starting to wonder what size the shed is - is it like a garden shed, or is it huge. But then you showed external locations -- so it may be better to go for an:

EXT. LOCATION -DAY
Description of deserted shed.
INT. SHED etc

As your opening image, it's pretty important that you get it right and that you're happy with it ...
Posted by: GerryBuilt, June 18th, 2012, 6:04am; Reply: 23
This is well on its way now... still a simple payoff - but I think it works... at least in my imagination... :/
Posted by: Alex_212, June 18th, 2012, 8:39am; Reply: 24
Thanks Gerrybuilt

I have thinned it out a bit more since the update and I think it is even more readable, so I hope to post a final draft soon.

Thanks for reinforcing my thoughts on the ending, as I doubted whether it needed more or whether the smile by Scott reveals his thought that he stuck it up them all. I think it is subtle but effective.

Regards Alex
Posted by: Robbie37, June 18th, 2012, 9:06am; Reply: 25
Hi Alex.

Enjoyed reading this short...especially the visuals of him slowly building up his ramshackle home with perfectly good thrown out stuff from the new posh neighbours.

I liked the beginning too, and don't really understand peoples concern with not getting that he's homeless - what more can you do? Put a sign round his neck saying 'Homeless. Please give generously'...(well I suppose that could work)

I think you could maybe tighten up some of the descriptives...but for me it wasn't overly done and really aided in the storytelling IMO.

The strongest parts for me was in showing what people do throw away - both in wasted food and materials.

I can see why this has had offers. It has a nice flow, and with the right actors it could be a charming short.

The Bank stuff also worked, though the Bank Manager was the weakest character IMO and could do with some tweaks. Liked the little boy noticing him pocketing the biscuits...and the rotten teeth at the end when we see him smile...

Yeah, enjoyed. Good luck with the writing.
Posted by: Alex_212, June 18th, 2012, 8:05pm; Reply: 26
Thanks Robbie37,

Thanks for reading, I really enjoyed writing this and since this edit was posted I have thinned it out to make it even more readable so I will take into account the recent comments then post a final.

IYO what do you thing I need to do with the bank manager to make his character stronger ?
I am starting a new trend here with IYO. If we can use IMO then IYO must work.

I have had emails from at least 5-6 Sydney production companies though nothing has been confirmed, so i'm hopeful that someone will take it on.

This is the first script I have ever completed so I am over the moon from the comments.

I have always been a storyteller, just never a screenwriter so i think i have found my purpose in life.

Regards Alex
Posted by: GerryBuilt, June 19th, 2012, 4:35am; Reply: 27
A simple gag is a common feature of many short films...  This is one of my favourites of all time, from Tropfest 2000, "Old Man".  

I think that this could be done just as well...  Good Luck with it, Alex...
Posted by: Alex_212, June 19th, 2012, 11:06pm; Reply: 28
Thanks GerryBuilt,

Watched it and it is well done. Had a giggle at the end as I was not sure throughout what he was doing ? I thought he had mental issues at first.

It is very simple but effective.

Hopefully if mine is done correctly, it will be lighthearted to watch and can also be read into much deeper if the viewer chooses to.

Thanks for comparing it to this.

Regards Alex
Posted by: 1211kellie, June 21st, 2012, 3:52am; Reply: 29
I really enjoyed this. The action lines really drew me in and at first it felt like a silent movie. I had no idea where the story was heading which was good for me. I had a gut churning moment when Scott was picking his meal from the wheelie bin – lol.

There is a nice quality to your writing and the whole story flowed along beautifully. I liked the last line too and for me it seems a good ending but I’m not sure how this would come across on screen.

Kellie
Posted by: Alex_212, June 21st, 2012, 6:40am; Reply: 30
Thanks Kellie,

Glad to hear you enjoyed it as I really had a blast writing it.

I feel the big smile at the end revealing his past will have a hidden and subtle, "I stuck it up them all"
and even leave a few questions unanswered.

I did look at doing the fairy tale ending where he becomes wealthy, though it may have been predictable
and may not have given a message that would make the viewer think further. I am sure it will work well on the screen.

Hopefully one day I can post a link to the movie If I ever get a producer.

Regards Alex
Posted by: Alex_212, June 23rd, 2012, 8:30pm; Reply: 31
Hi all,

Just to let you know I have updated the link to use Dropbox so edits are a lot faster.

The current version has had even more fluff removed so hopefully it is an even easier read.

Regards Alex
Posted by: Alex_212, July 22nd, 2012, 2:00am; Reply: 32
Hi All,

Just after some advice with this one ! I have had a few producers keen on this one, and one in NY who was looking at adapting it to a similar location in NY though they have disappeared of the face of the earth.

Just curious if anyone thinks I should adapt this script to a generic location and drop off the Sydney location, even renaming it to "Becoming a Property Tycoon" ????

What do you think ?? Would a producer be so short sighted to not realize he can adapt it to other locations?

Regards Alex
Posted by: Earl (Guest), July 22nd, 2012, 3:20pm; Reply: 33

Quoted from nawazm11


Not sure why the scenes are numbered.

Mohammad


I have seen it in a few feature scripts like the Fifth Element if you get a chance its a good read, but read it has numbers by every INT. EXT change.


Quoted from Alex_212

Just curious if anyone thinks I should adapt this script to a generic location and drop off the Sydney location, even renaming it to "Becoming a Property Tycoon" ????

What do you think ?? Would a producer be so short sighted to not realize he can adapt it to other locations?


I could easily see this adapted, even though its becoming a sydney property tycoon theres not that much of references to syndney itself aside from the SYDNEY HARBOUR BRIDGE and the SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE i believe, remove those and turn the foreshore scene where he is taking a stroll in the park just label it as a park. I could easily imagine this taking place near the new york central park or some other large city because the feel is there.

....

When I first saw the title I thought it was a comedy and the idea would make a great feature length comedy IMO, but its a good read my only objection is that it felt like a slow read, yet im not sure how if could be fixed but nicely done.
Posted by: Alex_212, July 22nd, 2012, 10:11pm; Reply: 34
Thanks Earl,

I will rename and trim out the references to Sydney, therefore making it more generic.

I have had a lot of interest in the screenplay as it is a bit of lighthearted fun and will be great to watch.

Never thought of incorporating this into a feature though it could be a comedy and much can be added to it. Great idea and I will keep that in mind.

The parts that are slower to read are probably because of all the back and forth during the construction of the house, I can do this in a series of Quickflash's though not sure if it would be as effective on film. More thought there.

Thanks for your post.

Alex
Posted by: Earl (Guest), July 22nd, 2012, 10:41pm; Reply: 35

Quoted from Alex_212

The parts that are slower to read are probably because of all the back and forth during the construction of the house, I can do this in a series of Quickflash's though not sure if it would be as effective on film. More thought there.


Those parts felt fine for the flow, I wouldn't change those keep those as is.
It was more of when he made it to the bank the vibe changed to where it was more of a soft light comedy because some of it made me smile and the end made me laugh abit, so the tempo changed there abit.
As I think about it if it was labeled a Drama, Comedy vs just a Drama It would feel right.
Posted by: Alex_212, July 22nd, 2012, 11:41pm; Reply: 36
Thanks Earl,

I guess Scott's personality changes as he puts on the suit and becomes someone else ? Not sure if this is what has caused the change as it is a bit of a Dr Jeckel Mr Hyde type effect.

Once people relate to him more maybe he opens up more and hence the flow of the script changes ???

I will go over the bank part and see where it needs changing, I think previous comments did mention the strength of the bank managers character so I will look at a rewrite to this part and see how i can change it to read easier.

Much appreciated Earl.

Thanks Alex
Posted by: Alex_212, September 23rd, 2012, 6:06am; Reply: 37
Hi all,

Just to let you know this screenplay has just gone through a name change and a logline change to make it more location generic. Thanks Don for updating the thread.

For those of you who have not read it b4 please have a read and let me know your thoughts.

Alex
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