Crime Scene Reenactments by Nate Green (nastynate) - Short, Comedy - The only tv show that lets actual crime victims reenact the worst moments of their lives for your viewing pleasure.  13 pages - pdf, format 8)

This is so... surreal.  I don't know what to say.  The concept itself is good for dark humor (I thought you were just going to release a criminal on a unsuspecting victim... again) but instead it was just a man recalling his demon-rape-Richard Marx experience.

I guess it had a good laugh or two, but it was kind of like some ridiculous joke altogether.

I admire the creativity, but the execution, I think, fell short. There are a lot of elements that were included, it seems, for the sake of convenience -- as if you were grasping for something/anything (too many things?) to pull the story together.

Thanks for giving this a read Asteriod Juice and Seven.
I appreciate the feedback.
Yeah, this is a strange little story, it probably won't be everyone's cup of tea. Hopefully you got a couple laughs out of it. What I'm aiming for with this is to have something like a C.S.I. meets Funny or die.com's DRUNK HISTORY mash-up that would fit into the Adult Swim mold of shows. I also tried to keep the location and character count as low as possible so it could potentially be easily filmed.

Quoted from Seven I admire the creativity, but the execution, I think, fell short. There are a lot of elements that were included, it seems, for the sake of convenience -- as if you were grasping for something/anything (too many things?) to pull the story together.

Thanks, I see what you're getting at. I tried to keep it relatively straightforward but I tried to progressively raise the stakes in terms of how weird it could be as the story went on. Is there anything that just flat-out didn't work that you would suggest removing?
Thanks again guys!
Nate

Nate, I think you're right. It probably just isn't my cup of tea. With this in mind, I almost didn't post my comments -- wondering if my own bias against such stories was coloring my opinion of it.

Per your question, I don't know that I'd suggest you remove anything. I might though suggest that you tighten the internal logic. For example, I think Dave submits far to easily/quickly to someone described as child-size, even if rabid -- why not simply run rather than be raped (as Dave thinks he's going to be)?

Also, it seems the reporter would've vetted the story before shooting it. With this in mind, his disappointment with the actual story that unfolds seems off. I understand that it's meant to be over-the-top. Even so, I think if you include elements of reality, they will help sell the more over-the-top parts.

What it comes down to for me is that I wasn't able to suspend reality. Too many things, like Dave's simply not running away (right away), the reporter not vetting the story, took me out of the story.

Thanks Nate,

I will never look at midgets the same again !!! You are correct it is not everyones Cup of Tea and I really could not get into it.

I felt it was well written though the plot just didn't do it for me, i could not see any climax and found the entire story continued at one level with no peaks and troughs in my emotions.

Towards the end my thought was maybe the Tiny Demon was his inner self coming out for a release, though I changed direction as the story unfolded. Maybe the demon in him coming out would help us relate more to the plot.

I always read these scripts and picture the scenes in my head to determine the filmability of the story though i could not create this film in my head. Sorry.

Once again well written and i like your style as it borders on creepy, is your favourite Genre Horror, because i think your style would be suited to it.

Looking forward to more of your scripts.

Regards Alex :) ;)

This is another script which is best read around 4 AM during a college all-nighter.  When the brain waves are running on fumes and everything is hilarious.  I may not be at college anymore, but I do work 3rd shift and I've been up all night.  I was during the peak of my music listening in the 80s, so I vividly remember Richard Marx.  I hated his music with a passion.  Thus, Richard Marx - slash - rabid midget - slash - Chuckie strikes me as quite hilarious right now.  I can't stop giggling.

Seven,
Thanks again for your ideas. I think I can solve Dave not running away by adding a v.o. that he's experiencing stage fright/temporarily paralyzed or something along those lines. As is it's mentioned that he's paralyzed in fear, but I'll need to clear that up. As far as the reporter not fully researching the story, that's just one of those things that most readers will hopefully just go with.

Alex,
Thanks for giving it a shot. Yeah, horror is my 2nd favorite genre next to comedy. I tend to mix the two every so often which often ends up with odd results like this.

Steven8,
Thanks for the kind words. Richard Marx's music is painful to listen to, so I thought it would fit in perfectly here. I googled him and found out he still writes music and was responsible for a lot of terrible boy band ballads. He just won't go away! But Chucky never gets old. Thanks again everyone,
Nate

This was an interesting premise.  I thought it'd be a Truman Show-like preposterous, yet creative, premise, but I didn't quite get it.  It didn't really feel like it had a beginning, middle, end resolution.  In fact, it seemed sort of like a short skit, like on SNL or something.  It had that randomness to it, but overall I didn't quite get the purpose of it other than for a few laughs.  I personally didn't find it that funny, but that's very subjective and others might.  Overall I agree with some of the other comments here that the concept was intriguing, but the execution and story was a bit lacking.  

Hey Rock,
Thanks for the read and the comments. Yeah, this wasn't meant to be anything to deep, but I thought the premise would set up its share of laughs. I think the premise of "C.S.R." can be used as a setup for other characters as well, then again maybe not.
Comedy is a tough genre because peoples sense of humor varies so much, although I'm almost striking out here with this one. Thanks again for the read,
Nate

Hey Nate,

I wanted to like this, really I did because there were a few times that I had a good laugh, especially this line of dialogue…

          “I’ve heard robbery victims say the
          best thing to do during a robbery
          is to stay calm, and just do as
          your told. So I figured the same
          theory must apply for when you’re
          about to get raped by a rabid,
          drunk midget.”

Just brilliant. ;D

Unfortunately though, this wasn’t quite doing it for me and I found it a little tiresome by the end.

It’s not a bad idea I guess but totally unbelievable and this is where it fell flat with me. To think that a person would relive their worst ever moment (maybe) in life didn’t quite work for me.

And the fact that Dave gave in so easily just added to my disbelief.

The writing was good, didn’t really trip me and it was a quick read so that’s good. I did find the notes become a bit of an annoyance but I understood why you had them.

It wasn’t for me but did give me a few laughs along the way.

Good job and keep writing. :)

Steve

Steve,
Thanks for the read. I think that robbery quote was sadly one of this stories finest moments. That being said, I still love it.

As far as yours and many others reaction to Dave giving in so easily, I'll revise this and have Dave explain via V.O. that he went into paralysis.

I'm surprised that you're the 1st to bring up the "notes." i worried about that while I was writing it, but I couldn't find a way to avoid them.
Thanks again for taking a look at this!
Nate

Hey Nate,

Fist off welcome to SS. Remember to read and review others, as i believe you have done, and it is a great place to learn.

Had a look at CSR.

As we go;

The concept immediately reminded me of The running man, even the recent hunger games
Do you need some explanation of HOW you get them all together?
(think David Koechner) - doesn't mean anything to me, if it did would it add anything to the read?
BARB - who is barb, if she is introduced dow e need an explanation at that time
I think you can drop the Drunk part of the Midget - why not name him?
P4 - raped by a rabid, drunk midget - stay calm - good work
Tiny demon - too many name changes
P6 could be... "it don't smell good". maybe a throw away line about mexican food. Never liked salsa or what if there are chillies on the floor? indeed a good moment for what they call a  triple or topper, where action is going on while the dialogue is out of sync
oh no another name change!
P8 do you need the father exposition?
P9 racoon - buddies, good line, good series of shots
p11 singing together - good
P12 on no - the ending - NOOOO. keep Brian believing, wanting ready to abuse anybody. End with something cheesy like next week we have thew story of the family that escaped an attack by a plague of nuns looking for a cursed soul or something weird like that.

Overall

I enjoyed this a lot my sense of humour. yes, its off the wall, unrealistic, pretty surreal but thats what makes it fly, the ability to say weird things that wouldn't normally happen.

A bit of tightening and a different ending and it would be great.

If you want it filmed you may want to be careful with the number of scenes/locations so that it is not too expensive.

all the best

Hey Bill,
Thanks for the read and comments. Great suggestion on a different ending.
David Koechner's in a bunch of stuff, not a household name but you'd probably recognize him. He plays the sportscaster Champ in Anchorman among other things. I know it's taboo to put an actor in a characters description but I kept picturing him and especially his voice for all the voiceovers.
I feel your frustration on the name changes. Couldn't think of any other way to do it because Dave is unsure of who or what that character is until the very end.
Thanks again,
Nate

Hey everyone,
Thanks for giving this a read and critiquing it. I'm uploading another short script that fits with the Crime Scene Reenactments criteria. This one will be even weirder. If anyone has any more comments on this I'd love to hear them and I'll gladly return the read.
Nate

Okay, overall, I think you have a great concept.  Very funny idea, very funny execution in a lot of the occasions.

I’d challenge you with the same thing that you challenged me with – it needs more funny.  I only chuckled lightly once, there were no laugh out loud funnies (for me).

The thing is you have what I would consider a GENIUS concept. You have TONS of ways that this could be funnier.  Way funnier.  When you have such a great concept and you obviously know how to write, at this point, in this reader’s opinion, it comes down to just coming up with things that will make people laugh.  At this point you have amusing.  You could easily take this to laugh out loud funny.

You do take it into some really interesting spots (specifically Jimmy’s backstory) and that is really cool to me.

You could do a series of these shorts that get funnier and funnier with each one.  This is definitely a good start.

Good luck with future rewrites.


NOTES:

p.1 – why is Brian just standing in front of the strip mall while his voice over is going on?  What is he doing?  Just standing there?  This line feels like it should be him speaking into the camera then cut to Dave showing up.

Hmmm…(think David Koechner).  Pretty sure there’s a pretty hard, fast rule that says not to name actors who you see playing certain parts.  Maybe I missed the memorandum that says you can do that.  I hope I did…cuz I love naming actors.

p.2 ‘…should be shot like a styled CSI episode’ should either be ‘should be styled like a CSI episode’ or ‘…should be shot like a stylized CSI episode’.  ‘Styled CSI episode’ is awkward.

(fails to account for his headphones) is an awkward way to say (loudly) or (too loud).

Dave speaks in present tense and Brian answers in past tense.  Is this meant to be?  Feels weird at this point in the script, but I’m totally willing to be won over.

Okay, now Dave is talking in past tense.  I think he should start off in past tense and stay there.

p.3 – again with the past tense to present tense, this time within the same block of dialogue.

p.4 – funny.  First chuckle: ‘So I figured the same theory must apply for when you’re about to get raped by a rabid, drunk midget’.

Is he ‘laying on the ground, on all fours’? – cuz that’s not ‘laying’.  It should be ‘Dave gets down on all fours’.

I don’t think you even need DAVE’S P.O.V.  It’s frowned upon to give camera directions AND with what you written below, you don’t really need it.  Plus, you never come out of Dave’s POV.  If you’re gonna give a camera direction, then it stays under that direction until you say END POV.

p.6 – good out with the ice cream.

p.8 – if you’re gonna bring up a Richard Marx song, you should bring up something more obscure.  Everyone knows ‘Right Here Waiting’ – pick one of his lesser-known hits – the fact that Brian doesn’t know it and Dave acts like he should makes it funnier (at least to me).

Chazz,
I never thought I'd say this, but thank you for the kind words and helpful suggestions. Seriously, each point is spot on. The past/present tense needs to be fixed and good catches on Dave's POV scene, the CSI description and having him get down on all fours.

I hesitated at naming David Koechner but I wrote it specifically with his voice in mind. I know it's taboo but I couldn't help it.

Brian's initial V.O. was a mistake I noticed after posting, can't believe I missed it the first time.

"When you have such a great concept and you obviously know how to write, at this point, in this reader’s opinion, it comes down to just coming up with things that will make people laugh.  At this point you have amusing.  You could easily take this to laugh out loud funny."
Agreed, right now it's more of a chucklefest than lough out loud.

"p.6 – good out with the ice cream."
If this were ever filmed and handled correctly I think this could get the biggest laugh in the script. Nothing like a midget that looks like Chucky stumbling around in extreme pain with an ice cream brain freeze.
I honestly thought "right here waiting" would be too obscure for a lot of people, especially anyone under 25. I think it fits in nicely with Jimmy's character though.
The plan with these C.S.R.'s is to do a bunch of them, keep them ultra low budget and model them after the 15 minute live action shows on Adult Swim. Next up is a comedy/horror about a Craigslist roommate search gone horribly wrong.
Thanks again,
Nate