Run by Brett Bentman - Drama -  A Scottish man runs across Europe to escape the memory of his dead wife. 101 pages - pdf, format 8)

I think you like words, and you like to play with them, but maybe scripting is more of a discipline than you want it to be:

"An intravenous drip -- slow and continuous. Cold. Sterile. Faded walls with streaks where it had been cleaned. Linoleum on the floor. Plenty of room to move about, but nowhere to get comfortable. Nothing more than a recovery room."

...these word conjure interesting images in the minds eye, but I think they may fail the screen.

I did have a sense that you cared about what you were writing - and I think that's important - but I don't think it's enough to make a good script.

Agreed.  The whole piece is especially loquacious for a script, but I think you would make an excellent novelists.  Your descriptions are beautiful.

It might be just me, but I had to read the first page a couple of times to take in the scene.
I agree with the above comments. You have the talents of a novalist but you are trying to write a script, so at the moment it seems that you are stuck between the two. If you want to continue writing scripts I suggest to study the format and read some scripts from your fav movies otherwise tighten everything up and pull it together to create a novel.
Good Luck.

Renee

Thanks for the notes. While I appreciate your input to an extent -- I have 7 full features that have been optioned in the last 5 years, so I think I know what I am doing in reagrds to format and what not. This was a passion project and I have been getting calls on it in just a week. I also have 2 indis films in production and being prepped for next year's film festival season.

Thatbeing said, thanks for your attention and I wish you the same success I have been blessed with.

Hey Brett

I have to agree with the above comments. Your descriptions are very detailed. Some sentences are very ambiguous and make little sense. They need to be pared down and tightened up. I have also read some of "90 Feet From Home" and found it to have the exact same problems. I am commenting on "Run" as it is a more recent work of yours. Some examples:

P1 - It begins to DRIZZLE. It's beautiful. It's charming. It's profoundly unalike...? I don't get it.

P2 - He kisses the face of her hand...?

P3 - His accent almost as thick...? Why is this relevant?

P3 - ...apprehensiveness frown...?

P4 - His resolve breaks as he rides a sudden wave of anger and dejection...?

P5 - The breath in his lungs evaporates...?

P5 - Two sad waifs in the dark...?

P5 - ...a tight know of mourners...?

P5 - There is no weeping, no gnashing of teeth...? Why mention it?

P6 - The rain drops seem to vanish miraculously before they strike him...?

P6 - Probably the best office on the floor...? Why does this matter?

P6 - More comfortable than flashy. More clubhouse than a place to bring clients...?

P8 - The alcohol permeates...? Feels like half a sentence.

A lot of your descriptive stuff would be better suited in novel format, but even then, it doesn't work for me. You're not bad with dialogue, but your characters don't say anything of any significance. Your first scene reads like a soap, and the scene in the office when Hamish talks to Karl comes across as amateurish and naive.

HAMISH: I was in a bar fight. You remember that? I was in a bar and I was fighting.

Moreover, Hamish's dialogue about god, and about why he took his wife is a little cliched. I feel it is worth adding that I really don't believe an adult would talk like that anyway.

Unfortunately, I don't think I can continue reading. I wasn't drawn in and became less convinced the more I read. I think Yellow makes a good point in the first comment. It didn't feel like you really cared about what you were writing.

From your comment above, you say you appreciate the input to an extent. Sounds to me like you're unwilling to take any advice at all. Just an observation.

However, I am impressed with your body of work and with the success you seem to be having. I hope it's as easy as that for the rest of us.

The very best of luck with your next project, Brett. And for the future.

    

Hey,

My apologises, Brett. I said in my comment above that I agreed with SiCOLL007 that you didn't care about what you were writing about, when he has clearly written that he thought it came across like you did. I must have read it wrong. My apologises also to SiCOLL007.

I just found your writing a touch... cold.

I feel like a total idiot for messing up my first post. More attention in the future on my part.

Sorry, bud.