Lemon and Curd by Kellie Franklin - Short, Animation - One skunk, one dog and a Piccalilli expedition. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Well, at least I got the feeling you had fun writing it. Cute piece in many way.

Usually I dread opening work in 'Word' and there's some issues here with the formatting and style, but it didn't feel like the first script you ever wrote.

It had a story line at least, which gave it direction and completeness, even if it wasn't anything major - designed for children, I guess?

Still be nice if you did the decent thing and downloaded Celtx/Trelby.

Hi Kellie,

It was enjoyable to read and i think you must have had fun coming up with the story. It would make a good cartoon or cartoon series.

A few things i notices was that the FADE IN: was missing on the first page.

Whay are all the names in Caps in the action lines. They should only be capped the first time.

Page 5 PICCALILLI, LEMON, I NEED
           PICCALILLI - LET'S GO          Why is this all in Caps ?

The Shop Assistant is referred to as Shop Assistant throughout though on page 7 you use SA in an action line then thereafter go back to Shop Assistant. Why.

Overall it was an easy read and was enjoyable.

One suggestion, download pfd995 from pdf995.com and intall it on your computer. In word you can select print then use Pdf995 as printer and it will create a PDF file of your script.
This would be easier to submit for posting.

Regards Alex

Hi,

Thanks for the reviews - this is my first attempt at writing script and I had great fun writing it. I write short stories for young children in my spare time so anything I put on here is going to be child friendly. lol.

I actually copied the format from a series of Grandpa in My Pocket, which is a popular programme on CBBC. They have used capitals on all characters names throughout the action lines so I presumed this was the norm. P5 - all caps - Curd is shouting. Yeah, I realised I missed out ‘fade in’ on the first page after I submitted it. SA was pure laziness on my part.

I have just downloaded Trelby it looks good :) as I want to write more episodes of Lemon and Curd.

I intend to start reading some scripts and giving some constructive feedback. Anyway thanks for taking the time to read it and give me your thoughts.

Kellie

Hey Kellie,

I have to admit to being a closet “Grandpa in My Pocket” fan, I regularly catch it in the afternoon when getting home from work when my daughter has her kid programs on.

So you’re attempting a kids program of your own, I like the idea and I wish you all the best in developing this little series. There’s always great appeal for children’s programmes so if you can pull it off… well you never where it could go.

As for this piece, well it’s a cute story and I could see these characters on screen so kudos for coming up with two likeable kids characters.

I was a bit dubious when the script opened in word but on the whole, this isn’t too bad especially if it’s a first effort?

There are a few format problems which have already been pointed out, some haven’t but I see you’ve now got Trelby and your reading some scripts and this will help you to improve.

Good luck and keep writing. :)

Steve

Hi Steve,

Thanks for your comment.   I’m a big fan of ‘Grandpa in My Pocket’ as are my two children. I really encouraged that you think the characters are likeable. :)

Kellie

Kellie,

thought i'd return the read here.

Not much to add that hasn't been posted above.  It's a sweet story with characters designed to keep kids entertained -- not an area I'm overly familiar with but I'm sure if you stick at it you'll find what works and what doesn't.

As to format issues, as far as I can recall in the UK the standard is to capitalise character names in action throughout -- which is probably what you saw when you looked it up.  Not sure if that's set in stone though.  

Keep writing, no doubt you can have a lot of fun developing these characters -- do you have an introduction story? i.e. how these two met?  Just a thought...

Steve      

Hi,

Just to let you know I have posted a first revision and would really appreciate your thoughts.

Thanks

Kellie

Kelli,

had another look at this.  For the most part it's the original story re-formatted, which already looks a lot better.

Still need to work on the passive verbs in the action -- lots of 'They are' 'He is/It is' etc. If you can re-work them into their active form it can help cut the word count and speed up the read.  'Your Screenplay Sucks' by William M. Akers, has a chapter on writing action that helped me out a lot.  

Spacing between slugs is too much in places, should be double spaced.

As this is intended to be an animation there may be some formatting rules that differ from the standard film format -- probably best to look into this -- not something I'm familiar with myself.  Looks like you're on the right track though.  Keep at it.

Steve.

Hi Steve,

You raised some good points – your action lines in Cat of One Colour are very slick and complimented your script perfectly and I actually had these in mind when I tried to make mine more factual, so I shall definitely be seeking out this book!

Many thanks for your input. :)

Kellie