Room 666 by Avaricx - Short - A business man gets the shock of his life, when all he was looking, was to have sex with a prostitute. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Avaricx...

I don't recognize your name, so I'll just focus on your story, but let me say you have  quite a few writing issues going on here.  If you show up, I'll be more then happy to go over them with you.

I felt you rushed this without thinking everything through.  The ending was pretty abrupt, but more importantly I seen it coming a mile away so it came as no surprise.  And maybe that's what you wanted, but I would have took a much different approach.

It's only five pages, not a lot of time.  I'd consider geting rid of Jessica (I don't think you need her) and focus more on the relationship between Sam and Jamie...because clearly, it's not good.  

I don't see the revelance for the room # being "666."   I figured it would be significant to the story, but I just didn't see it.  I could have missed it, but I don't think so.

You have a lot of telling and no showing, when it should be the other way around.  

Just a few quick thoughts.  Overall, this piece... as it stands now... I didn't care too much for it. But with a lot of work, and the benefit of a few more pages, I believe it can be salvaged.

Good Luck,

Ghostie

Lolzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

This is not a script. To me, the author most likely, rewrote it from a short joke. It sounds like coop's script, chat up line. betcha, coop also rewrote it from a blond joke.

Good, that they could created scenes from a short joke. Made it into a long joke. Lolz..

This is one of the reason why I don't read short scripts. They just don't take any of this seriously.

If you are around I started reading your script and stopped at the first paragraph.

Not sure who you are or if it is your first script though you need to write for a film and the opening paragraph is not a visual filmable sentence. For Eg:-


     "We see Sam & Jessica are having breakfast, and by the look of the surrounding of the house we can say that SAM is a rich & a wealthy man."

We see (serves no purpose) just say "Sam and Jessica are having breakfast"
"and by the look of the surrounding of the house we can say he is rich and a wealthy man" He is rich and a wealthy man ??? Both ?? Why not say the following:-

Sam and Jessica are having breakfast. The house is fitted out with quality furnishings.

This has the same effect though is shorter and to the point, you can only say what can be seen and filmed and not your thoughts.

As you can see i have only commented on one paragraph and it took so much,
I will go through the script in detail once you have edited and posted an update please reword it for film.

Hope you are not disheartened by my comments though knowing the truth will make you a better screenwriter.

Please PM me if you want an explanation or a full review of your rewrite

Regards Alex

I agree with another poster, this doen't sound like someone whose first language is easy. So, aside from grammatical issues, the idea is till there. It's not that bad just needs to be delivered better. Try to show not tell. Your writing a script not a book. Use action verbs, remove -ing from verbs.

Hope that helps some.

BLB

The basic concept is interesting but there is much work to be done on the writing itself. I give you props if you're new to English but you need to give this another look for typos and such. The dialogue is very unrealistic at points, such as the girl mentioning sex to her father casually without a proper response. Read some more scripts on here and I'm sure you'll improve your storytelling and grammar, best of luck.

Hey Avaricx,

I’m afraid this one wasn’t the best… lots of mistake throughout.

I did have a giggle but it was for all the wrong reasons and you really need to read some scripts here on SS.

Just so many simple format problems like the slugs, uncapped characters on first intro, characters speaking (O.S) when there on screen. There’s also one scene where Sam pulls his car out of the parking lot but we’ll still in his office? You also have a habit of telling and not showing, it’s about writing visually.

Also for the second time today, the dialogue is not good and is quite hysterical at times, especially Aaron who gets some right corkers on the phone call to Sam.

As for the story, well it was pretty obvious where it was going to be honest.

In truth, although making me laugh. This either needs a massive rewrite or to be scrapped IMO, sorry.

Hopefully you’re around as I think SS could be very helpful to you.

Good luck and keep writing. :)

Steve

Thanks everyone, I wrote the script in merely 3 minutes. I should have worked on this one.

thanks for the feedback

You wrote this in 3 minutes, huh?  I'm going to have to call bullshit on that.

But, if you did, why would you want to post such utter horseshit?  C'mon now..let's get real.

So, is English like your 3rd language, or what?

Unreal...

I don't think I could even type 5 pages in 3 minutes.

I think ARS89 may have been exaggerating to cover his lack of checking the screenplay before posting it.

I have also posted screenplays sooner than I should have in the past, without doing a thorough check, so I can relate to it.

A word of advise ars89, people on SS are not dumb (most that is) so don't try to fool us by justifying that you took 3 minutes and that's why your screenplay is terrible.

Admit your mistake, learn from it and move on.

Make a promise to yourself that the next one will be better and you would have then started the journey of becoming a writer.

Good luck and I hope to read more of your improved screenplays.

Alex

I'm conflicted with this one.  On one hand, it's a script.  On the other hand, it's smut.

Where is the line drawn between art and smut?  Is there a line?  Does the poor quality of the dialogue and description make it smut?  If it were well written, but still contained the same subject matter, would it be art?

I don't know.  I'll have to think about this some more.

On a side note:  Why is room 666 on the 17th floor?