Ideological Opponents of Brejvik by Jacob Greenberg - Short, Comedy - A son of a successful lawyer, trying to defend the family honor, engages in a battle with an insolent bully. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Jacob,

There seemed to be some personal politics going on in this and to be fair I have no idea what you're trying to say, it seemed to bounce around all over the place and I kept reading just out of curiosity.  I got the impression you were aiming at satire, but then again...

I'm guessing English isn't your first language, if so, you're on the right track at least -- this coming from a guy who can only write in one language.

If you're around maybe you want to shed a little light here...

Steve.

You seem pretty sad to me, Jason. Not from Norway, by any chance are you?

So, if you're so fired up by a man who killed, what ... 70 people? -- then how come you can't even spell his name correctly?

So, on to the script.

Care to explain the Muslim boy's motivation at any point? Right after that, you might like to talk about your unhealthy obsession with exclamation marks!!! They don't! Always! Improve your writing!

My advice to you:
1. Read the news so that you know what you're talking about.
2. Take some 'How Not To Be A Racist' classes at your local college.
3. Avoid script-writing.

In any order you like ...

Hey Jacob,

I haven’t seem you around but I had to comment on your script here… like a previous poster I wonder if your come on and explain this piece.

Let’s leave the writing which isn’t the best I’m afraid to say and there are tons of problems. As soon as I read the opening sentence I knew this but I continued on anyway which draws me onto your story.

For starters I have no idea of the meaning of this? It seems to go into some political debate between the wife and lawyer about Muslims and what you can and can’t do. Why I should care about this or his predicament is beyond me but I continued on…

Which brings me onto the other matter of the lawyer being bullied… seriously; this kid is seven and shot him with a water pistol. I would hardly call that a bully. Yes he’s pulling up some flowers which he loves but still… no bully for me here.

It then moves into slapstick territory with the son chasing and I’ll use the lawyer’s word “thug” away waving a plastic sword above his head.

This just didn’t work for me on any level I‘m afraid to say.

My advice would be to read lots of scripts and participate on the boards here, this site and its members could help you out.

Good luck and keep writing. :)

Steve

I haven't read the script, but I'm pretty sure it has to do with the Norwegian massacre which the trial is currently going on. It was a huge tragedy and I'm not sure why anyone would want to write a comedy about it.

This script appeared a while back in almost the same form. Originally it was about random lawyer and wife and random child who refused to listen when told not to wreck the garden or something. Now the author has made the child Muslim, and added this political reference for seemingly no reason, other than perhaps to give it weight or shock value...

File this under strange but strange and move on...

Despite being glib, wooden, and ham-handed, it does have some nice symbolism--the trampled flowers representing a nation's culture, extremists being represented by a child--because extremists tend to behave like violent, undisciplined children, and the son "carrying a big stick" but attempting to first talk to the Muslim boy before threatening him.

The opening dialogue is the equivalent of a rapper saying "no homo" at the beginning of a song and then saying something completely homosexual. In this case, it would be "no racist."

Overall this is an "eye roller."