Bank Statement by Alex Sarris (alex_212) - Short - Just how far will a bank go to get your business? Maybe not this far! - pdf, format 8)

I've seen you around, and I'm pretty sure I've read another of your scripts, but coudn't quite recall it. Just going with what I've got from here.

You can't do this:

INT. OFFICE - MORNING
FADE IN:

Do this:

FADE IN:

INT. OFFICE - MORNING


## The phone rings and Steve pick's it up.
-- Should be picks.

STEVE
(Into phone)
Trust Insurance Brokers
Steve Wilson speaking.
-- Your wryly placement is off as it's indented as the dialogue is - should inbetween the dialogue and the Character name (3.4" fm left margin).

INT. BANK - MORNING (INTERCUT)
-- Intercuts can be done a number of ways, I'm not sure this is the best - often I've seen it at the end of the scene you're going to leave and the beginning of the scene you intend to intercut.

## balding with a comb over
-- just comb-over, as he's unlikely to have a comb-over if he's not balding.

## So your the relationship manager.
-- So you're the relationship manager?

## a budget for entertaining potential client.
-- a budget for entertaining potential clients.

WILLIAM
(Into phone) (Proudly)
That's no problem,
-- two wrylies not good. The into phone wryly is not needed.

end of phone conversation felt wooden

INT. BANK - THE NEXT DAY
--
INT. BANK - DAY

## A desk name tag is visible showing "William Harrigan Relationship Manager".
-- A desk name-tag: "William Harrigan Relationship Manager".

There's problems with your protag here.

What you've done is written a 'passive' script.

You begin with Steve, whom we assume is the subject of the script, and is, in fact, the active agent.

We then follow William, and William has action done to him - he is not the agent carrying out the actions.

By doing this, you don't establish Steve's motivation ... he needs to be peed off with William or something similar, and then you can present Steve constructing his 'revenge' on William -- even if the actual 'revenge' is left for the final reveal.

On the positives - the action lines are broken up nicely, so it read quickly.

Lastly, there is too much irrelevant detail. The credit card stuff - this is where you can plot Steve's actions.

I think this could work with a re-write.

Thanks SiCcoll007,

Yes you have read 2 of my shorts "Becoming a Sydney Property Tycoon" as well as "Serial Killer" Links below.

Thanks for taking the time to read this one.

Because of the joys of having dropbox i have done a few minor edits and reposted.

Regarding the wryly placement I have found the problem and fixed it in the latest edit, never realized this before, thanks for pointing it out.

I kept the credit card part in because I feel it reinforces the fact that William is paying for the "So called lunch"

I have also added the part where Steve hangs the phone up on William then William calls him back, as this adds a bit of tension to the conversation.

Hope you enjoy the re-read  and once again thanks for the read.

Regards Alex

How does Steve notice William at the end if they've never met? Your Wrylies are off. If you're using final draft, you're not clicking on the parenthetical tool when you wright them. Actually, just lose them... all of them.

Why are all of your "C"'s lower cased? Even in slugs.

I get what you're going for here, but you didn't set it up well enough. You should show the scene of William giving out his credit card, then Steve calling the restaurant to reschedule from noon to 10 AM. So they can run the tab.

Also, as I mentioned before, it would help if Steve knew William in some way William didn't know. Then he got revenge. For what?? Still miffed.

This needs a few more pages and a helluva lot better writing. Good luck...

James

Hey Alex,

I've felt terrible for not having my in-depth notes on "Becoming a Sydney Property Tycoon" yet, so I thought I'd give this one a quick read.

BTW, I can explain why I haven't gotten those notes emailed to you, just yet. I've been busy prancing around onstage playing the part of Bill Snibson for the last two weeks, so time really has been quite hard to come by, recently. Fortunately, tonight is closing night, so I should have that to you, soon.

Anyway, onto the script...

I agree with above posters about William not having any association with Steve. I think they should at least have met once. Seems a bit odd to me...

Page 1: "The steam rises from his coffee mug." could easily just be "Steam rises from his coffee mug." Avoid words that aren't needed.

The phone conversation between Steve and William gets a bit repetitive (format wise) with your constant use of the (into phone) parenthetical. Once you've established that they are talking into the phone, you don't have to repeat it.

Overall, not bad. Having read some of your other stuff, I think you've come a long way. Still some work to be done, but I think you're getting the hang of this.

Story-wise, there's not much there, but I'm guessing that you've written this one for a bit of fun rather than going out there and telling an amazing story. It's awesome to see writers just having fun with it. It's clear that you enjoy writing and I definitely think you should carry on.

Daniel

The plot left me unphased. Steve's revenge scenario seemed unprecedented and not particularly in a good "surprise twist" kind of way. I didn't think about it until reading the comments but it definitely doesn't make sense that Steve can so readily identify William, unless Steve has been stalking him for months and plans to use him as a traditional birthday ritual sacrifice. Subtext?

• "sit's" (page one) should be "sits." This same grammar mistake is made several more times throughout the script.
  
• "The door swings open..." Is there a tornado in the office? Or an upset ghost?
  
• The constant (into phone)'s aren't needed. As has been stated, once you mention that he's talking on the phone there's no need to repeat the parenthetical as it's obvious that he hasn't hung up yet.
  
• This is just me being a grammar Nazi, but I would but a comma between "Brokers" and "Steve Wilson" on pages one and two.
  
• Instead of MIDDAY ON MONDAY, Monday could be written as a super to be captioned along the bottom of the screen (were this to be filmed) since including it in the slug can't be shown on screen. Or it can be dropped altogether and just fade into the scene on the street if you feel it's clear enough to an audience that it's a new day.
  

If I sounded harsh and overtly critical, sorry. It's just that the story didn't really do anything for me, and the writing was clunky in parts and seemed sort of rushed, not to undermine any amount of time you may have put into this.

Thanks All for your comments.

I will go through them and do some changes.

Crap  ... I missed the part that Steve had never met him though recognised him at the end.
Maybe I should have William turn up with Steve's wife ?? That would give a twist in both directions

I will think about it a bit more.

Thanks for your comments.

Regards Alex

PS Just noticed when you type C R A P it blanks it out.

Hi All,

Some changes done and reposted !!!!

I love dropbox !!!!!! Saves a week of waiting.

Regards Alex

Hey Alex,

Gave it a quick glance, I don’t really have much to add as the story didn’t do a lot for me. If I’m completely honest, I didn’t even understand it until reading through the comments.

It's a revenge story but I have no idea how because these guys don’t know each other and that the means the reveal at the end doesn’t work because why would William be shocked?

There’s hundreds of Steve’s in the world and this could be anybody’s birthday… yeah not a lot to add.

I give you some credit on the writing though, it’s an easier read than your previous and spaced out but still a few issues with phrasing and wrylies. Take this line for example:

“The door swings open and STEVE WILSON (39) sits at his desk.”

How did the door swing open? A gush of wind? Steve’s telekinesis ability?

Anyway, story was not there for me but it’s good to see you improving on your technique although you’ve still got a little way to go… the dropbox seems to be helping in that department. ;D

Good luck and keep writing. :)

Steve

Hey Alex...

Found this entertaining...think you could've added to it a little just to up the comedy a little by showing a little more. Perhaps the guys arriving early and getting the party started while the comb over guy gets his paperwork ready for the 'business lunch'.

I'm not sure I liked the private party thing...birthday thing but I guess it works.

Kinda cute....funny in a way the whole piece...ironic.

d

Hi all,

Thanks for your comments.

Just to clarify it is not a revenge or get back at William as Steve does not know him.
It is more having a win over a bank, which I feel it achieves this.

Thanks Pale yellow, you are right I may and try to add a bit more comedy, but not sure where and how. I could include a scene at the party where steve toasts the bank? I think that would work and would be amusing, though it would take the surprise ending away, so not sure.

Maybe when William walks in at the end Steve is already proposing a toast to the Newcastle Bank???

Any ideas or suggestions would be appreciated.

Steve Re: The door swings open, I didn't want to give camera directions though my thoughts where the camera runs through the office isles until it gets to Steves office door revealing the name plate then the door opens to reveal Steve. The camera could also be seen to be going through the door. Really cant show any of this in the script so hopefully a director will see it this way.

Regards Alex :)

Alex,

Perhaps in the minority here, but I enjoyed your Bank Statement.

Still struggling with formatting myself, so I can't go there. Beyond that, quick entertaining read.

Kudos.

John

Hey Alex, don't know if you've put this one to bed or not but here are my brief thoughts.

I see the above postser weren't all that impressed but I actually kind of liked this.  I got the whole frustrated phone call and the way Steve had an idea to get a free birthday party.  I'm with Coop that when william sees the 'Happy Birthday Steve' sign, it could be anyone.  I can't see a way around this other than the banner having his full name and that would be odd.

Anywho, Alex, I enjoyed this little read.

Thanks John and Anthony for the read,

Yep Anthony you are right, this one was burried deep in the bowels of the short section and thanks to John for bringing it to the top again.

Quoted from alffy I'm with Coop that when william sees the 'Happy Birthday Steve' sign, it could be anyone.  I can't see a way around this other than the banner having his full name and that would be odd.

There are not many characters in this one, so I though on film, it would be pretty obvious who Steve was, and that the name on the sign was for him. This knocked the socks of the William, who has put up his credit card for a lunch time meeting. with Steve.
I really feel this is effective and the only way around the name thing would be to give Steve an obscure name that was not common ??? Maybe !!!

This was always written as a bit of lighthearted fun and I feel it achieves this goal, and would be enjoyable to watch, if it ever got taken up.

Once again thanks for the read and glad you both enjoyed it.

Alex

Hey Alex.

I'm literally on the fence with this one.  I agree with the previous posters who said that this was a bit of an entertaining read.  It was enjoyable, although I might be biased because I love con movies.

But at the same time, I think there's a lot you can do to have more impact.  I can tell you one reason why this didn't work for some of the people who've read it:  It goes by and happens way way way too fast.

I think we need to see Steve get more upset with William.  Just one little old phone call isn't cutting it.  I think William has to be more of a villain and annoy and try to con Steve in the first place.  That way, it's all the more rewarding when William goes down holding the bill at the end.

Good job, I understand what you were trying to do.  You just have to work out the fine details to make it all the more rewarding.

- Mark

C'mon Alex, What's he doing at work on his birthday? That's what sickies are for.

Thanks for taking the time to do a read JimElder and i hope you enjoyed it.

This was written a long time back and was buried deep in the SS archives.

Alex

[quote=DarrylLuster]

Alex,

First of all. Let's take care of the formatting and then we'll get to the goody gift giving overheard telephone conversation secret to Steve Wilson's planned birthday party.

As a rule of thumb, The parenthetical wryly is used only underneath the  (subtext)character cue.
And only for year date in scene headings. For example. As in below:

EXT.  TOKYO  BAY  -  (1945)

On page 2. 20 minutes should be written as the following: twenty minutes.

Amd on page 3. Monday 12 noon should be written as the following : Monday, Twelve noon.

We cannot use numbers in dialogue. They should be written out as words in speaches.

Alex,

The telephone conversation in this story should have an Intercut with each conversation between STEVE, WILLIAM and WENDY such as the example below:

INTERCUT  -  TELEPHONE  CONVERSATION

                         STEVE

                         WILLIAM

                         WENDY

INT.  OFFICE

Darryl    

Alex,

On page 4. INT.  STEVE'S  OFFICE  -  DAY

Steve  picks  up  the  phone  and  dials.

The sentence should have a period at the end as above.

And when Wendy picks up the phone and answer.  There should
be a (V.O.) besides her character cue,  Because we are still sitting in Steve's office.

Darryl

Alex,

Now for the good part.  First of all,  Most obviously. From what I can see at the very beginning of the story. This has got to be a big Christmas Holiday at the office. Because,  Anytime,  If a male is Director of a well established business office in which employees 40 professional workers,  That male Director has to make a very professional shirt and tie presentation he is in view of his employees. Unless he leaves his coat hanging up in the office.

As I said in the beginning,  If he is sitting behind his desk with his shirt collar open and a gold necklace hanging around his neck,  He's probably aware of the surprise birthday party that his workers are planning for him. He could of had the telephone lines recorded and or he may have been tipped off by an employee.

To make this story more simple.  The necklace may have been  a gift from the entire staff of last year's Christmas Time Birthday party.  My final suggestion is that his birthday must be during the same week that the office celebrate their Christmas party.

I think Steve is well aware of the surprise party,  Because he was so overwhelmed about the entire situation, Until he didn't even care if he lead William into a business trap of gala and excitement. I sure would like to hear what Steve would say when William actually meets up with him in private among all these unexpected guests.
Would Steve acquire a friendly business smile.  

And as for the Comb hair of William Harrigan,   I must say that his hair style is from the middle seventies. There was a commercial for that type of hair, It was called the wet look.

I enjoyed your entire story.  

Darryl

This was a cute read.  It went on a bit too long for my taste but the payoff made it worthwhile.

Phil

Quoted from DarrylLuster Alex, Now for the good part.  First of all,  Most obviously. From what I can see at the very beginning of the story. This has got to be a big Christmas Holiday at the office. Because,  Anytime,  If a male is Director of a well established business office in which employees 40 professional workers,  That male Director has to make a very professional shirt and tie presentation he is in view of his employees. Unless he leaves his coat hanging up in the office. As I said in the beginning,  If he is sitting behind his desk with his shirt collar open and a gold necklace hanging around his neck,  He's probably aware of the surprise birthday party that his workers are planning for him. He could of had the telephone lines recorded and or he may have been tipped off by an employee. To make this story more simple.  The necklace may have been  a gift from the entire staff of last year's Christmas Time Birthday party.  My final suggestion is that his birthday must be during the same week that the office celebrate their Christmas party. I think Steve is well aware of the surprise party,  Because he was so overwhelmed about the entire situation, Until he didn't even care if he lead William into a business trap of gala and excitement. I sure would like to hear what Steve would say when William actually meets up with him in private among all these unexpected guests. Would Steve acquire a friendly business smile.   And as for the Comb hair of William Harrigan,   I must say that his hair style is from the middle seventies. There was a commercial for that type of hair, It was called the wet look. I enjoyed your entire story.   Darryl

To make the telephone conversation more clearer.

The