A Day At A Time by Samuel Al (Walnutpictures) - Short, Drama - A tragic love story about the necessary delusions of a guilty man. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Sam,

I've read three of your other scripts and you haven't commented on any of them, and I don't think I've seen you on the boards, ever.

Just skimming over this one, it has the same problems as the others.  It's like two different people wrote the action and the dialogue.

Not gonna give this one a read until you show up on the boards.

Gage

Have to agree with Gage here, the script is a bit all over the place as well as your action lines need a lot of work.

If you are around to take this then great though I will be brief.

You put a lot of camera directions in your action. Leave this to the director. EG.

"A camera movement down the center of a deserted road" If you really wanted this effect why not say:- Following the centre of the road.
Are there any deserted roads in London ??????

"A close up on a young mans face" ???? Just a young mans face. The director will get the idea.

Sean (22) shoud be in caps for first intro "SEAN (22)

In a one continuous horizontal slide, the shot begins
at one end of the hallway, focusing first on a console
table with a single key in it. ?????  To much camera direction

Fade In: is missing at the start.

EXT. STREETS OF LONDON, EARLY MORNING try
EXT. STREETS OF LONDON - EARLY MORNING

Other sluglines dont have time of day !!!!

Sitting on the side of his bed, he reaches for his
watch which lays on top of The Trial (A Kafka Novel)  - too much FLUFF, cut back

Sean sits up, reaches for his watch, visual of "The Trial", A Kafka novel.

This is half the length and has the same effect. easier to read.

Then, past the bedroom where he sits at the end of his
bed tieing his shoes in PROFILE. -  Very hard to read and understand.

This will give you an idea of what needs to be changed in a rewrite. Apply my comments to the whole script, shorten and reword the action lines.

Keep at it

Alex

Sam,

Hope you show up here at some point.

A tough read for me, couldn't handle the excessive camera direction at the beginning. Also some groanworthy dialogue between the characters, especially Romily.

Also, who the hell is Jack? If you're changing a character's name during a re-write be sure you're getting everything otherwise it looks sloppy and careless.

Please learn the difference between "your" and "you're," and capitalise all forms of the "I" pronoun.

Not a bad concept for a story but it needs some work.

All the best

Hey, Sam

Same ol' fundamentals 'Show don't tell' in your narrative, particularly the camera work. You're dialogue was good I thought. Each character played up to the there traits throughout. You did a good job of coming back to topics while the conversation continue which is a good tool for good dialogue. You also displayed that technique with some of the narrative, mainly the flowers which added subtext.

Good structure. Good dialogue.

BLB

thanks for the advise guys, by accident though i uploaded an older draft, the new draft should be online soon.

Hey Samuel,
I like the idea you have here, this could easily become a great screenplay.

Well, just in case if you didn't see this for your newer draft, there are also some missing slug lines. For example on page two you have:

INT. COFFEE SHOP
where Sean then "heads out the door and turns the corner" and then continues.

You need a new slug line for the street so perhaps something like
"he heads out the door to:
EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS
...