The Cleen Family by Michael David - Short - A short animation about a cleen family. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

A nice little animation short, not the most original but still an easy read.

Page 1 and 2  blue genes... JEANS

Also Miss Cleen should be Mrs as she took the same last name, so I'm guessing they're married!

Nice job

Mark

Hello Michael,

Don't have much time so I glanced over it and will come back and read it fully later.

The parts I read are an easy read though got a bit confused at the beginning with the open eyes, close eyes, open eyes etc
At one stage you say "he opened an eye" then "he closed his eyes" I thought one was already closed ? Maybe it needs to read "he closed the open eye" or similar.

I noticed you have no dialouge ?? If I smashed my hand on the bench trying to kill a fly, words would come out of my mouth. NOT GOOD WORDS BUT WORDS. Hee Hee
Maybe add an Ahhhh  or a naughty word to make it more realistic.

Will read it all tonight and get back as I have to run off, Sorry.

Alex

Hey Michael or is that Micahel? You're name's wrong on the logline, which is not good.

A few typo's in here.  Genes is Jeans and should Snickers be Sniggers?

A lot of orphans here, which would trim the length if corrected.

You state this is intended as an animation, I wonder why?  The Cleen family seem human so I don't see any reason why this has to be an animation?

Story wise, I thought this was a funny little story.

Hey Michael,

Everything I would have said has already been covered by other posters. The few typos have been mentioned so I wont go into that.

Thought this was an amusing, quick read. What I admire most about this is the lack of dialogue in the script. You've managed to tell a story without a single character muttering a single word. A very rare talent, this is.

Great Work!
Daniel

I uploaded the wrong draft.
Here's a better draft, without the spelling mistakes, and improved story..
http://www.scribd.com/doc/98446010/A-Cleen-Family

Michael,

This was an interesting short. It was very entertaining, especially for something with no dialogue.

I think the typos have already been pointed out. Also, there's no need for "CONTINUED" on the top and bottom of the page, but that's nothing major. Good job.

Quoted from alffy Hey Michael or is that Micahel? You're name's wrong on the logline, which is not good. A few typo's in here.  Genes is Jeans and should Snickers be Sniggers? A lot of orphans here, which would trim the length if corrected. You state this is intended as an animation, I wonder why?  The Cleen family seem human so I don't see any reason why this has to be an animation? Story wise, I thought this was a funny little story.

Thanks for the kind words..
The reason why I want this to be an animation is because this short would be less technically challenging if animated and it will probably cost less.