Broken by Will Hare (happywash) - Drama - A young man's fragile existence shatters when he's forced to care for the brother that abused him as a child, hurtling the damaged siblings toward reconciliation... or ruin. 107 pages - pdf, format 8)

Broken made the top 10% at the Nicholl. In case anyone wanted to read it...

Thanks for the post happywash! I'd love to take a read.

Thanks. Any and all comments appreciated.

Jeez. That was really good. I didn't even want to read it all but I did. I was compelled. Breezed through the whole thing in one sitting. Depressing, sure, but brilliant.

Amazing job, man. I don't even know how someone writes something so good. Structure, dialouge, set-ups/pay-offs, everything. I hope that took you a long time to write at least. I also hope it was fiction.

You definitely earned your place at Nicholl. You deserve every success this script will recieve. Congrats, bro. Great job.

Thank you so much for the awfully kinds words. It took 5 months to write, two months to re-write. And it most certainly is fiction.  

Once again, thanks!

Congratulations Will.  I read this on Zoetrope, and it really is a riveting, compelling drama.  It certainly earned its spot in the Nicholl top 10%.  I wish you luck!

Thanks, Rock!

My script also just made the finals in the 2012 Creative World Awards. I know this is a bump, but it will be my last bump, I promise.

Broken is on the Top Rated Uploaded scripts on the Black List, so take a look over there at the latest version of the script. (I know, I know, I said I wouldn't bump the thread again, but this news, to me, was too exciting not to share).

I've yet to finish reading it. On page 49 right now. Story is definitely not my cup of tea, but can't stop reading it. I think you've done a good job here.

Done reading. I really enjoyed the way you added sound to your scenes, helped creating a better atmosphere and setting the mood, something i'll try to do aswell in my writting.

Really liked the Marina character, don't know wether to feel bad for Kevin or not.
I liked it. good job.

Thanks, Vinny! I want to leave the reader with questions when the script is over.  

Hey Happywash,

First feature I've read on here in a loooong time, and what a script to welcome we back to the site. This was bloody brilliant.

Here are the comments I made when I was reading it, nothing too major:

Page 6- Allison: “Mom’s dying. You need to come to L.A.”; this line was far too abrupt for me. It just didn't ring realistic.

I’d maybe have Daniel a bit more annoyed that he has to fly out to LA, instead of flying to NY to meet a book publisher. If I hated my family as much as he did, I'd definitely be pissed that I was having to do that instead of meeting someone who wants to publish my book!

Then when Daniel flies to LA the scene after, maybe make it explicit that he’s arrived in LA and not NY, as when he was on the phone to Josh Penzell, the publisher, in the scene before, he says that he will be flying out to NY tomorrow. Something as simple as Daniel standing under an LAX sign, or something.

Page 8- Allison: “Why do you hate our brother so much?”; this reads a bit awkward. Maybe change it to something like “How can you hate him that much? He’s our brother, after all.”

The scene on page 10 which culminates with Daniel’s “That was an accident” line was great.

The scene on page 16 in the writer’s office was superb as well.

Page 21- Daniel: “Any of you gone face-to-face with the person who fucked their life...”; I believe this should be “... with the person who fucked YOUR life” as he is addressing the people in the room as “you”.

Scene on page 24 is brilliant.

Page 43- “Kevin’s labored breathing annoys Daniel, but he brushes the feeling aside.” How do we know this? I mean, how can we see that it annoys him, on the screen? Does he sigh; maybe shakes his head at it?

Page 54- “Confusion shooting through his body, Daniel releases a primal scream to the heavens.” I’d probably cut out the “confusion shooting through his body” part, as once again, how can this be filmed?

I thought Daniel’s sudden change to wanting to love Kevin was a bit too abrupt. Yes, I know it was brought on by the parachute toy, but until then, he had showed very little sign of forgiveness. Maybe have him show slightly remorse for how he has been acting towards Kevin, or some hints at forgiveness before?

Page 72- Minor grammatical point; Jen: “You wrote a book about this, What”; should be a full stop before “what”.

Page 78- “Marina is hot on the heels of Daniel, who paces around the living.”; needs to be “living room”.

But overall, bravo. This was a well written script, with a great story-line full of clever pay-offs. Depressing? Very. But the best dramas usually are. I'm glad this is getting the positive attention it deserves, and I wish you the best of luck with it.

Toby.

Oh, and one other thing I thought of, but forgot to say; I'd maybe consider taking out the whole prostitute thing, as I personally don't feel like it's needed. Firstly, when Daniel and Jen begin to get frisky, Daniel obviously has issues with getting intimate. However, he doesn't seem to have the same issues with the prositute? I know the prostitute scene is meant to show how the whole Kevin situation has messed up Daniel's personal life and relationships, but I think Daniel's "I've never had a girlfriend" line to Jen, and the whole scene with being unable to get intimate with Jen should suffice.

Toby.

Thank you so much Toby_E You really gave me some good pointers here and I really appreciate it.

I read the first 20 pages and it is absolutely enthralling.  There is strong character development, I don't have to go back and ask "Who is this character again?".  Your characters jump out of the pages.  

There is also a strong theme carried throughout your story so it evokes really strong emotions in me.  Possibly will end up being among the top 2 best scripts I've ever read on here.

I can't wait to finish reading!  

Hello will,

Drama is not usually my favorite reading concept, but have to agree will some of the other posts, this was awesome.

I read the whole thing In one sitting and was really impressed.

Its a bit difficult to find anything wrong with this. Your formatting is pretty solid and easy to read. All your characters are very well developed. Dialogue is  also solid and lastly, I was completely satisfied with the ending.

Good luck.

Hi Happywash,

I thought this was really well executed. A top drawer effort on a very difficult subject matter.

I was in the process of writing a short based around child abuse/paedophilia so I thought I'd crack this one open. To be honest, mine is now being shelved. Although the ending pans out differently to yours, the build up scenes and the same expressions of emotions are largely similar.

If this is fiction, you've done a really good job on researching the whole psychological damage and scars this kind of thing does to you. Mine is based on fact, and I can assure you, Daniel is very much a real character.

Quoted from Toby_E Oh, and one other thing I thought of, but forgot to say; I'd maybe consider taking out the whole prostitute thing, as I personally don't feel like it's needed. Firstly, when Daniel and Jen begin to get frisky, Daniel obviously has issues with getting intimate. However, he doesn't seem to have the same issues with the prositute? I know the prostitute scene is meant to show how the whole Kevin situation has messed up Daniel's personal life and relationships, but I think Daniel's "I've never had a girlfriend" line to Jen, and the whole scene with being unable to get intimate with Jen should suffice. Toby.

Toby, I think keeping this scene in adds a necessary angle to further expose Daniel's intimacy issues. Having sex with a prostitute can be classed as an emotionally detached act. It's easy to walk away from with no fear of emotional harm or distress. Whereas sex with someone you know, or maybe have feelings towards, throws you into a completely different emotional sphere. Just my opinion though.

Kip.

I agree with Kip, the sex scene with the prostitute actually further reinforces Daniel's intimacy issues.  

Hey, Toby, thank you so much. Your notes are very good. I really appreciate you taking the time to read it!

Actually, thank you everyone. I just read all the comments. ChrisB, Kip, Toby, Irishstu, you guys made my day!

Hi Will,
Ive only read the first 5 pages or so but I like it. Very well written. What a compelling logline. ill defo get back to read more very soon. Congrats

-Gavin

Will,
Wow. I'm blown away. It's been a long time since I read a script that "demanded" I read further and further. What an awesome job. Thanks for showing me how it's done.
Regards,
Steve

Not to be a wet blanket...

But you're getting some good feedback and reviews here happywash

But I don't see you giving back to others like they're giving to you.

You've been a member of Simply Scripts for 8 months and
it seems the only thread you are participating on

is yours...

Maybe you should take some time and read some of the scripts by the people here who are reading yours.

My two cents!

Shawn.....><

Good call led!

Happy, you can clearly write, I just hope you take part here.

All the best

You are absolutely right. I should always give back. I'll download a script right now. Thanks for the push, guys.

wow, this was one hell of an easy read. Your writing is clean, crisp and fluid. I was on page 70 before i knew it and had to keep reading. i love how you describe characters and make them real without going into any real detail. Thats a gift.

I was a little cagey at the start with the flashbacks and all but it actually works. I like how you dont really reveal anything too obvious in them.

I really liked the ending, im glad you didnt opt out for the easy finish, Im glad the brother got what was coming to me. Anything other than that wouldve felt like a slap in the face lol

good job

-Gavin

It seems as if Will has this in pre production, and is also getting paid for it too! Great job, man. Two thumbs up. If you're still lurking around, did the draft from SS change by much?

Quoted from nawazm11 It seems as if Will has this in pre production, and is also getting paid for it too! Great job, man. Two thumbs up. If you're still lurking around, did the draft from SS change by much?

Just cruised on by and saw this... I know it's months later...

The actual story has not changed. I've rewritten some scenes, cut some scenes, added some scenes, and really, just tightened it up.

I was just hired to direct, as the backers thought it was my story to tell, and the talent that's interested will be more attracted to a writer/director. I'm very excited, though my responsibilities have quadrupled. I will try to keep everyone posted!

That's great news, hap.  I read this script months ago and thought it was really good.  Keep me updated.

Will do!