Secrets Pilot 1.1 by Fernando Avila (WhatTheFAA) - Series - {no logline} 44 pages - pdf, format 8)

Despite that there is no logline, I decided to give this a read -- my first suggestion is that you come up with a logline.

I think you have the...gist of formatting, more'r less.  I read barely into the second page, and some things popped out at me that I thought I should mention.  Unless it's absolutely necessary, you should avoid giving camera direction, and avoid using 'we' in the script, such as "we see," "we hear," etc.  Also, something else I noticed.  You introduced Ayden Cromwell twice, when he only needs one introduction.  I skimmed ahead another page, and saw that you introduced another character as 'Unknown Man,' when you explain through dialogue that he's Ayden's father.  You should nix the Unknown Man bit, and just refer to him as Mr. Cromwell in the script.

Keep at it, Fernando! And good luck!

I actually read the whole script because when you're reading you should at least read 25 pages, from there you can decide if it's good or not. Anyway, I LOVED IT!! Yes, you have a few grammar errors, you give camera directions, and you have no logline, but that doesn't matter because you have an interesting plot. As I was reading I was thinking about searching the series online but then I realized that it wasn't produced. By the way, it totally should!! I can't wait for the next episode!!!! KEEP WRITING! If you never get to write the whole thing, please tell me what where you thinking in doing with the characters and what was gonna happen to them because curiosity would kill me otherwhise. LOVED THE SCRIPT! Keep it up!! Please!!!!!!

I just finished the whole script and its needs a backbone. There is no structure within the episode. Ayden states to himself that he carries the burden of all of these secrets in narrative, then why is the story progressive? The audience likes secrets, this script didn't have a lot of tension and when it did, it felt forced. Why does Ayden deserve to be called Mr. Cromwell? He hasn't shown any character traits for others to not underestimate him.

I suggest getting to the daddy Cromwell's campaign eariler in the story and going from that point, the opening scene was interesting, but didn't follow suit with your story. I understand that this is a series, but it needs some tension instead of all setup.

Johnny

Great start!  Really gripping!  The rest is not too appealing for me however as it doesn't inspire me to read on further.  You need to follow up with something grabbing much sooner.