Designated Driver by Sam Klein - Short, Comedy - A big new reason not to be the DD… 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Sam,

Well, what can I say?  I like the idea (even if it's not very realistic), but it seemed that this piece was simultaneously too thin and crammed full of unrelated things.

It's a slim 12 pages, but I think you could do a lot more here.  Expand it some and you could have a feature.  But as it is, it's not so funny, and as a comedy, it should be.  I don't see the point in Brad's character, other than to maybe prolong the period before Mel breaks out the gun.

So, as I was saying.  The piece is short and thin, but for some reason you go off on a tangent about the infamous 'c' word.  This would work in a feature when you have more time to build the character, but it doesn't seem related here.

I like the idea of the band bringing them closer, that was a good choice.

I do love the ending.  I was expecting them to get together, but no.  However, the only reason I thought that Mel didn't kill John instantly was because she was afraid to kill.  It wouldn't be too hard to kill John and then take control of the car.  He can't fight back, he's dead.  But when she kills him (no matter how darkly comedic that is) it crushes that thought.  Why didnt' Mel kill him, push him out the car, and take control of the wheel?

It's a good idea, but I feel this could use some more.

Gage

There are a few errors in the script, but nothing really major.
Asteroid is right, it's pretty lean.
The dialogue seemed realistic, but it was a little generic for my taste.

Also, I feel that the ending was a little abrupt.
And after she shoots him, you just have her talk on the phone for a few sentences.
In my opinion, it falls flat at the end, where I assumed it would hit a climax.

Overall, it was fine, but it could use some work, especially with the non sequiturs of the story.