Patrick Quinn's Wedding Day by Paul Arlington - Drama - A drama set in Derbyshire in the 1950's. 100 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Paul. I think you need to take a look at your dialogue -- it's tricky getting this right, and yours comes off very wooden.

Some of your time-sequences don't fit - maybe you need to have another look at these.

Hey Paul,

I would also like add that your logline needs some stimulation – imagine reading this in your TV guide alongside some other movies.

You need to sell your story with the logline but this one hardly catches the imagination.

Good luck and keep writing. :)

Steve

I completely disagree with the above comments, I love the dialogue, and it has a great story! I hope to read more from you in the future!

Quoted from AtticusFinch I completely disagree with the above comments

Seriously! You disagree that this logline "A drama set in Derbyshire in the 1950's" doesn't need some vibrancy - you don't think it's just tad dull?

Okay, everyone to their own.

I was more referring to the comment on the dialogue, however I do agree that the Log-line could do with some more added to it.

Hi Paul,

Only read the first 15 pages or so, as I'm busy doing revisions on my own script.

First off, the title page is a mess. I'm guessing you used Final Draft 7 or an earlier verison? Used to have the same problem with my own title page - would put the title, written by, etc. But it would never save! Way to fix it if memory serves me right, is to click on Document, scroll down to Title Page, enter all the information, then don't try to SAVE IT. Think it saves automaticaaly when you close the program. It's been a while since I've used it, so if I'm wrong maybe one of the guys off here can help you out?

As for the script, you don't need all those CUT TO: Get rid of 'em! Also your paragraphs are a little dense. You could do with trimming them down - try to keep them to three lines, four at most.

I agree the logline needs work. As for the dialogue, I'm in the middle. I don't think it's especially wooden but neither do I think it's particularly great. It sounds authentic enough for the period, but could still do with being punched up in my opinion.

Hope this helps? Good luck with it!

"Salty old man in Derbyshire dreams of finding love" and a title page too.

Wink, wink, nod, nod, say no more,

:)

John

Looks like the writer isn't around, but I'll quickly chime in.

Logline is God Awful.

Title page is beyond terrible.

Opening page is a complete mess.  Incorrect Slugs that make zero sense.  As passive as passive writing can be.  Orphan.  Unnecessary transition.  Almost all dialogue - and the dialogue itself?  Very, very poor and on the nose...almost comical.

Biggest issue is the complete lack of visual writing here.  Talk about not properly setting your scenes.  I mean, seriously, can anyone visualize this opening scene?  "SMALL PRIVATE COVE"?  For reals?  "Tommy is siting in the cove..."  Unreal...

Sorry, but not good, bro.  You should get yourself involved in SS by reading and commenting on scripts.  Lots of peeps to help.  Quid Pro Quo, though.  You have to start by responding to those who leave feedback for your writing.