Five O'Clock by Charles Huckelberry - Short, Suspense - An unwanted guest arrives on what should be the joyful time of a young couple’s life.   14 pages - pdf, format 8)

It's ok. Reading was a bit tilted bit i got the drift. The twist is good. A bit predictable but not 100%. You did a decent job.

Your writing could be honed quite a bit. Read some good scripts, see how they are written, tailor some of your work to those and this will read better.

Thanks for the read and the reply. This is my first script of any kind. I just discovered this site and have been reading as much as possible. There is some really good stuff here.

I'm not sure I know what you mean by "tilted".

Thanks again.

Charlie

Hey Charlie,

Were you the one who wrote "Tonight"?  This seems just like that script, although heavily rewritten.

Gage

Gage, yea that's me.

This story started out as a two pager with just a beginning and ending action sequence. The hope was to leave the reader to wonder what happened. But it just didn't work.

The feedback I received on this site and others (other than the formatting issues) was that it didn't work and needed to be expanded.

Charlie

Hey, Charlie

I'll make notes as I go.

Cops should be COPS.

Not sure you need the word 'visible'?  If it wasn't visible then you wouldn't need to mention it.

'Nick looks back at the cop', should be 'looks back at the Detective' shouldn't it?  Also I wonder why you didn't name the Detective?

Personally I wouldn't use Early Morning in the slug but I some do.  Day or Night would do.

You say Amanda is in the Kitchen drinking coffee.  We know she's in the kitchen as your slug says Kitchen.  this is redundant and just slows down the reader.

You could trim some of this down too.  I'm probably the worst person to give advice on this as I'm told I over write too but I took this as an example:

'Amanda is in the Kitchen, drinking coffee.  She is in her pajamas, looking worried.  Nick walks into the room.  He is in his suit.'
Could become
'Amanda wears her pajamas.  She drinks coffee and looks worried.  Nick enters in his suit.'

Your dialogue format seems off.  It shouldn't be centred.

The description of the scene outside with someone watching Amanda and Nick doesn't read too well.  Also you can cut the bit about not been able to hear them as it too is redundant.

I'd lose the CUT TO's.  They're not needed and bump your page limit.

Your slug says 'INTERIOR - FRONT DOOR'.  Should be INT. FRONT DOOR and you've no time of day.  If it's early morning like the rest you should include it or put CONTINUOUS.  You introduce ROCKY but isn't he behind the door; outside?  We would see him until Nick opens the door?  Then you say an unknown man is at the door, is this Rocky?  This whole scene is confusing and desperately needs to be re-written.

There's more issues with Amanda screaming but I'm going to skip the format issues for now and concentrate on the story.

Man in suit needs an introduction...oh damn I said I was going to concentrate on the story.

The paragraph when Nick and Amanda are separated needs work.  It's too long and reads like a paragraph from a book not a script.

Officer Monroe needs an introduction.

Wouldn't the interviews take place in a police station?

When Amanda sees the two men in the alley, it should be MEN.  Also the V.O's are listed as Young Amanda.  Wouldn't it just be Amanda as she's describing this to the Detective?

When Amanda answers the door to Rocky we're still in the Kitchen as you didn't change location.

Rocky can't bring himself to kill Amanda but he has no problems in killing his friend?  I don't buy this.  Nick then says he doesn't believe Rocky will hurt Amanda?

You say Amanda heard the whole story but she was there, she knew what happened.

I don't get how the Detective knew Amanda was hiding something either?

Okay, you've got big format issues here and you've already said that you've been told about some of them but you don't appear to have addressed them.  You have massive paragraphs that read book like and these need to be corrected.  For a 14 page script this took an age to read and that's bad.  The story has potential but also it's problems too.  It's not believable and so it doesn't work for me.  Some of the dialogue seems forced too.  This needs a lot of work, Charlie.

Sorry I didn't like this but I hope you take on board my comments.

Hey thanks for the detailed reply.  I appreciate it as this is just the type of feedback I need and haven’t received from other places.

I did catch quite a few of the issues you mentioned and have already made those changes in the current revision, but you caught a few more, so thanks for that.

I wanted to use early morning, day, and evening to show that the story took place across a single day, but I see your point. It doesn’t really need to be there.

Rocky can’t bring himself to kill Amanda because he believes she is carrying his baby.

Others have also told me that the blocks of paragraphs are too long and read too much like a book, I’ll work on that for sure.

Thanks again.

Charlie

Needs quite a bit of work. Still, not a bad effort for a first script. Well done!

One thing I picked up on was the inconsistency in Rocky's character. He doesn't shoot Amanda despite it being her evidence that put him away for twenty five years. When she calls him on it, he replies "I guess I forgot how hard it is to kill a person." Yet, minutes later he shoots one of his own gang members withouth blinking an eye!

For me, the most interesting part of the story is when Nick finds the photo on the gang member with the message "Scare her. Do not hurt her in any way." scribbled on the back.

Unfortunately, you have Nick reveal his hand to Rocky almost immediately.

I'd like to see you exploit this much more. Crank the tension up. Have Nick push Rocky's buttons. Dare him to kill Amanda. Leave Rocky and Amanda wondering what the hell is going on.

Best of luck with it!

I like it. I just feel that the tension between Rocky and Nick should be pulled on a higher level. And as a viewer, I would be frustrated to know that Nick doesn't know some things. I really enjoy ,as a visionary, the ending, I can see the shot angle on Amanda, I can feel her emotions, and then...boom - FADE TO BLACK !

Hey, this was a good script and the beginning of the story really pulled me in, forcing me to keep reading. The end scene where Nick shoots Rocky could use some work

Rocky tries to aim his gun away from Amanda and at Nick.  Nick
shoots.  Rocky falls backward onto the dining room table.  Amanda looks at Rocky’s dead body.  Nick comes up behind her and
envelopes her in a hug.  They break away after several seconds

I felt like this scene was choppy and hard to picture

Charlie,
Good first effort.
I am also new to this site, and am probably the least qualified to offer comments.

Amanda confused me. I felt she started as a victim, and by the end I was not sure whether she was a victim or a manipulator. It almost seemed either outcome was ok with her.  For me the end was very unsatisfying and nothing really felt resolved since she could have manipulated the murder ridding herself of both men.

Rocky's motive wasn't clear to me. What did he hope to gain? If he was going to kidnap Amanda, why didn't he do it while Nick was locked in the basement. (by the way, why wasn't the basement door still locked? Did Nick break it down?). If his intent was to murder Nick, why didn't he just shoot him?

Nick seemed to start as a defender and end as a murderer based on a photo and Rocky and Amanda's body language. Who was the real victim, Nick or Amanda?

Good idea for a story, but I think it needs some clarification.

Thanks for sharing it.

Clabe

Before I write anything here, let me just say, for the record, I a pro-Internet. The web is a GOOD thing.

This story does point out something about it that sucks - you can find anything on it, including a house address and even what the home looks like (curse you GoogleEarth). I know you didn't write in there about how Amanda was tracked down but it's so easy now that it sort of goes without saying.

Anyway, there may be enough here for a longer piece. You may hate hearing this if you're not a fan of the channel, but an extended version of this thing could work as a Lifetime MOW.

I read this because it was bumped up to the top of the board.  This one had a good concept, but unfortunately there were a lot of grammar and formatting issues, and the dialogue was too clunky for me.  You would do well to go back and re-read this with an extremely critical eye and edit this heavily.  Regarding the dialogue, I would read the parts our loud (or have someone read with you), and see if you think it seems natural.

I think the story has a lot of promise, but only with a lot of re-working.  Keep at it!

Gary