My Daughter's Roomies by Andre Jesequel - Series, Sitcom - A Crazy Bedroom Farce centering on the misadventures of a well to do, recently divorced Ray Campbell’s daughter Susan, her two “Roomies”, Cindy and Darlene, plus Ray’s other daughter Julie and her deadbeat Boyfriend Jerry. The girls and Jerry love to Party and “Dad” is allowed to tag along and live vicariously through the them so long as he picks up the check. 32 pages - pdf, format 8)

I made a promise to myself when I joined SS. That promise was if I was to start a script, I would finish it no matter what...

I haven't been reading scripts that long, but this is the first one I almost put down. I just always think there is a diamond in the rough.

Your story is WAY to sexual and your characters are boring and one dimensional. It started out interesting, but just fell off.

The script read well, so please don't give up on it. Throw a wrench in it, experiment with different situations, make the initial circumstance the backdrop for some ties ins. Create CHARACTERS! Let there strengths and weakness dictate the plot and how they all wound up with different partners.

Excuse my harshness and thanks for the read.

Thanks for the input.  I don't mind the harsness, you make some pretty good points.  Now here's something you don't get to often.  I got a buch of actors together and we shot this script.  http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/007737e1f5/my-daughter-s-roomies
go to this web site or just go to the Funny or die site and type in My Daughter's Roomies and you can see the show Broken into five parts.  Part 1 might be the one you like best since you said it started out well and droped from there.  It's always hard to establish characters in a pilot.  There are 6 main characters (7 if you count the mother)  I thought having them all inocently (more or less) in bed with each other was a great way to introduce them.  I wrote this script last August (in 2011) and was surprised to see so many of the jokes pop up on shows like 2 Broke Girls, Two and a Half Men, and The Big Bang Theory later in the year and on into this year.  It showed me that I was on the right track with this type of mindless sex humor.  And I agree it's mindless.  But it's meant to be.  It's just sophmoric humor.  You're not the first person to say the Characters were one dimensional.  I guess my writing skills  make them out that way.  Once the actors took over I thing they became a little more real.  Look at the video and tell me if they still seem that way to you.  Or maybe not.  But hey thanks for the critique. The people on this web site are pretty sharp.  They get right to the point and tell it like it is.  I respect that.  Wish I could get a few more critiques.  I appreciate you taking the time to write yours.
Thanks

How cool is that! First time I have read an orginal script and seen it in action. What a treat, it felt almost personalized if that makes sense.

This viewing confirms my harshness, it was exactly how a read it. I didn't find it funny or entertaining at all (except for the intro, nothing beyond the first couple pages.)

No characters were established, no depth. Even the comedy sitcoms you referenced, the characters have their strengths and weakness, that's what make it hilarious.

It starts with dialogue, at it core, it reveals who the bunch is. After they all wake up, why even talk about that? It's would be even more hilarious if they alluded to the mix up, but tried to keep it to themselves as long as possible. That builds tension. Tension isn't for just drama, horror or thrillers, it works for everything.

Let the dialogue reveal more about who they are at first: how their ordinary lives are different from the rest of us. What makes them tick? What are their obsessions? Does someone have a fetish for stocking up on cat food for the apocalype--something!

I hope I was some help, a successful comedy as many more elements than just one liners and stoogery (hahaha, is that even a word?)

Thanks for the read and the viewing!

Once again thanks for the input.  Funny or Die has part one rated at 72% which means people find it funny but not hilarious, it's just okay.  So your criticism is right on target.

This was my first attempt at writing, I've been producing and directing for about 40 years and have always hired writers.  Of course I've had to re-write and punch up scripts but until this attempt, I never wrote one from scratch.  The whole thing was done for fun at the urging of the actors involved.  

I do appreciate your feed back, constructive criticism only makes us better...I won't give up my day job however.