Coming to Terms - Print Topic

Hey Liam,

This is probably going to come across as a little harsh.

I tried to read this... Really, I did. Unfortunately, the way this is formatted is quite bad. I'll try and be as constructive as possible.

Alright, for starters, the log-line needs a little tightening up. The part about Kyle being dead is redundant. He's in Limbo, of course he's dead. That really isn't something you need to go out of your way to explain to us. If I was to try to tighten the log-line up a bit, I'd have...

"A teenage boy tries to convince Satin that he doesn't deserve to go to hell." - Same point across, not as many words used.

Then there is your story-line breakdown. I can accept you having a short log-line on the front page, but as well as that, you have one on your opening page. Do you really need to have that twice?

Here's how your opening slug is written...

"EXT DAY. A WIDE OPEN PLAIN, NOTHING BUT SKY AND DIRT TO BE
SEEN. WIND CAN BE HEARD, AND SCREAMS FROM THE BACKGROUND,
THERE IS A SMALL CAMPFIRE IN THE DISTANCE. THE CAMERA CUTS
TO A SHOT OF THE FLOOR. A TRAINER STEPS INTO FRAME."

Anybody on this website will agree that this is not the way to write a slug. They should be short, like this...

"EXT. WIDE OPEN PLAIN - DAY"

After that, you should go on to describe the surroundings.

I'm going to leave it at that, for now and see if you make an appearance. It would be a pity to give all this feedback to no one in particular. Once you make an appearance I'll give a little more feedback.

Sorry to come across so harsh. I'm sure there might be a nice story in there, but as it stands, this script is near impossible to read.

Good luck :)

Daniel