Alone by Bill Sarre (reef dreamer) - Short, Drama - A man returns with his dog to a special beach. Producer Note: One location, One actor. 2 pages - pdf, format 8)

Bill,

Well-written. That's about all I've got to say. Hard to critique a one pager. It managed emotion.

I read a story that's been lingering with me for awhile, this reminded me of it. Twas about a guy who's lifelong pet, a dog, was so old and wretched with such an awful arthritis that she could not sleep. she was in pain even on such a soft surface as a bed. But, he found if he took her out to water and held her, she could sleep. So, every morning, he would take his dog out into the beach waters and hold her for a couple of hours while she slept until she finally passed.

Stuff like that hits me in the core.

btw, was there a one page contest I wasn't aware of?? I see another one just posted.

James

Hey Bill,

I'm stuck on what to actually say about this one. Yeah it was well-written, couldn't fault you in terms of formatting and writing.

A really powerful story, which has impact. That's not common with one-page shorts like this, so good job there. I was intrigued the whole way through. The image of a guy talking to "himself" has always been something that interests me and I think you nailed it.

For the first time I actually saw the point of FADE OUT. You didn't have one in this script and I have to admit I did end up wondering if this script was actually finished? It just seemed (to me) like such a random and unnatural way to finish...

Otherwise, some excellent writing. Now, time to go finish 'Pagan Man' ;D

Daniel

Well, I can't say that it's something I've never seen before, but I can't say that I didn't enjoy it, either.  Touching and really easy to produce, I can definitely see this one getting made.

Gage

Two words! Love it! Good job with such short distance. A lot of feeling in a tiny amount of space. Enjoyed reading this Bill. Kudos!

d

Hey Bill.


SPOILERS!!!



A good bit of misdirection in this one.  Well written and quite moving, which is not easy in a one pager.  It's difficult to say much else; how do you critique a single page?
Good work, really liked it.

Nice, Bill. I had an idea similar to yours that I'd write if I could get off my lazy arse... Or in this case, stay on my arse long enough that I pull final draft out ;D. Anyway, I really liked this. If I were a film student, I'd get my hands on this immediately. Hopefully you get this produced as I'd love to see the final product. :)

Bill, good job, mate.  This works.  It's moving.  It's effective.

Nothing more needs to be said, really.

Bill,

nicely done, subtle and to the point.  Bittersweet.  Can’t say more than that.

Steve.

Hi folks,

First off, thanks Don for posting - very quick.

To everyone else, sorry I hadn't responded earlier, I've had a delightful day travelling through france in a car with screaming kids to a campsite!! Thankfully it's got wifi, even if the worse wifi in history.

Otherwise, thanks for the kind words and reviews. To answer James, this was my recent entry in the Movie Poet one page competition (slightly amended since) and a few suggested this could get produced. I didn't intend to post it here but with that feedback I thought, why not?

I actually like the one page format. It's clearly very limiting but in a way that makes it very difficult. For those interested the recent 50 scripts in that competition show what can and can not be achieved. Alas I didn't win but I was only 0.1 off an honorable mention which wasn't too bad for my first script there.

Cheers

Bill

Quoted from Reef Dreamer For those interested the recent 50 scripts in that competition show what can and can not be achieved. Alas I didn't win but I was only 0.1 off an honorable mention which wasn't too bad for my first script there.

Congrats anyway for almost pushing a top spot, I want to read the competition. It was superb, many can relate to the theme, including myself. Thanks for posting!

It's been a while since I've commented on these boards.

I thought I'd read this script as it has the same title of one of mine.

It was a good easy straightforward read.  Nothing much to add.

All the best.

Hey Bill,

Not much to add my friend. A good solid one pager and well-written. You've managed to create a lot emotion in one page so well done.  I’m guessing a MP entry.

Good work, buddy. :)

Steve

Hi folks,

Sorry for the late respond but this campsite wifi is beginning to get on my *****

@johnny - thanks for the read, glad you enjoyed. MP have had the one pager comp for three years so there is a nice back list of others.

Jayrex - thanks for the read and welcome back, seems you've taken a break.

Coop - as always thanks for the read. Little you can do with one page but I tell you it is really possible to make a hash of it!!

Cheers

Bill

Hey Bill,

This is nicely done. Clean. Clear. Visual.
However, I was onto you with the getting knocked over in the sea bit.
That's something other species are more likely to experience than canines. ;)
Still, it was a good misdirect. Though my mind went to a slightly diffy place...
I thought there might be something less edible in the bag.
Something that would get spread about in the ocean.

Good job!

Regards,
E.D.

Bill,
Wow! This is incredibly dense with emotion for just a single page, great work man. That's something to be proud of, your clearly a very talented writer. Shorts can be difficult, let alone a single page but this is great!

Thanks for the reads;

Brett - as ever I'm grateful for your read. Shame I can't return the favour more often. I appreciate you have to keep things offline these days because of your work, but if you have anything you wished reviewed then PM me.

BCurt - thank you and kind words.

The one pager is interesting because it really focuses the mind on every word, action , as it always should be, but this time there is the extra discipline of page length.

Hey Bill - Great job. Well written. It's a story anyone can relate to who has ever lost a loved one. This is the second story I've read of yours. Your very talented and best of luck with future scripts.

     P.S. Yes my name is Dirk. lol. The name became somewhat cool when Boogie Nights came out, before that pure hell. Peace.

Hey Bill - great to see some more of your work.

You really do emotional impact well, don't you? Maybe you need to tell us something? You get to the (emotional) heart of things in an instant.

I didn't totally figure DV44's post. I thought it was about a daughter he lost when his car sunk?

The only thoughts I had were in regard to the title ... Alone, but he's there with his dog. I wasn't 100% sure on the use of the dog -- if he'd not had the dog then he'd have actually been alone -- but then that brought me back to DV44's post -- did he lose a dog or a daughter?

And after that the final line -- he says 'Tell Mummy I miss her' - which I felt meant he was talking on behalf of the his daughter (not his dog), but even so, it felt slightly at odds with what had gone before.

So a couple of minor question marks here and there, but even so, this is impressive and well packed for a one pager - a really good read.

Simon

Thanks Simon,

SPOILERS

The simple back story to this, as figured out in my head, is that the man lost his wife and daughter in a car crash, one winter, probably 3-5 years before, when it slipped on an icy patch.

We can only pick up parts but what we get is;

His remembrance of icy as something different and meaningful
He wasn't able to rescue his daughter - I never envisaged him being there but that could have happened
It was in his wife's car

Initially he is focused on talking to his daughter as its her birthday but almost that now he has his daughter in conversation he sends another message.

Title - what I wanted to do is start readers off with an image of him alone, and that appears the reason for the title, but by the end we realise the title relates to the fact that he has been totally left alone by the accident and that's how his life is now, or we presume so.

The dog was introduced for two reasons;

It allowed some misdirection at first, readers think he is speaking to the dog.
But also, it is an emblem of a child replacement, the fact he has a small dog plays on his loneliness

A reader on MP commented that they didn't know why the dog worked well with the  script but it suited it well. I suppose that's how I feel. Without it, the dialgoue seems more obvious the symbolism less subtle.

Thanks as ever.

Well done, Bill - this is very effective, and surprisingly powerful for a one-pager. It's both touching and moving, something that most struggle to convey in ten times the page count.

Right -- I didn't click-on to there being a wife and a daughter - makes perfect sense now.

I can see how the misdirection works with the dog -- it's good to have a script that doesn't look for the obvious and still works so well.

Wish you the best of luck with this - it'd be great to see it filmed.

Simon

Hey Steve,

Thanks for the read, glad it worked for you.

Simon, yeah it would be nice to have this filmed. Indeed, I have tried to focus on writing scripts that are more likely to be filmed, but as we all know it takes time.

Cheers

Hey Bill

Very well wrote as expected from Liverpool fans :)

IMO I would leave out "It's empty" and just keep "they're all alone"....  Your basically saying the same thing twice.

Very sentimental for only 1 page..... In the words of De Niro in Analyse this "You...You've gotta gift" :)

Mark

Hey Mark,

Thanks for the read.

You raise a by good question on whether there is a difference between;

It's empty - they're all alone

Versus
L
They're all alone

I like challenging how something is written, always looking to tighten it, so I had a look at this. I can see your point...yet...when thinking about it I feel they are different.

One aspect of the script was to use the setting, a wind swept beach to mirrored his life, empty, as we understand it. So you are right he is alone but he has also been left in an empty world. He could have been alone in a car for example, but this would convey a different feel, i think. This since of isolation I think is well envisaged by a wind swept beach with nothing there so, after my ramble, I feel an extra aspect is conveyed with this small addition.

I hope this doesn't sound defensive, I do hate it when writers don't listen to feedback, but rather an explanation of the useful debate you made me have.

Cheers

PS 3-0 WBA, oh no, then almost take City. Sounds like a usual year of ups and downs.

For me... i thought "they're alone "captured the sentiment you were going for.
It not only states that he is alone on the beach but also in life

Mark

On a happy note we got rid of the dead wood... adams spearing amd carroll and got  a few good buys in return...rodgers takez no crap from underperforming players.. what else would you expect from.an Irishman   :)

Mark

Sorry for not replying - a busy day travelling with the kids back from holiday. Fun, fun, fun...

Otherwise, thanks for bringing this up and i understand what you say - its useful to reflect on each word to make sure they add, not just to me but the reader. just goes to show we need to check everything is required.

cheers

Bill,

Alone was sweet. I can't think of anything negative to say, which is good, and also surprising. For a one pager it was especially nice (a compliment that's slightly condescending, thus filling my negative feedback quota).

• "Jim removes a backpack and sits down." Sits down where? If it's on the floor then I guess it's written okay, but if there's a bench of some kind it could be clearer.
  
• "Summer" shouldn't be capitalized.
  
• "cold and...icy." This is a personal gripe, but I generally don't use ellipses except to indicate lingering speech. It's not a problem per se, it merely never sits right with me when I read it in other people's scripts. It seems forced to add dramatic effect to a certain extent.
  
• Was the cupcake in a container, or does he prefer his baked goods smushed?
  
• "could I...Princess?" Take these ellipses for instance. When I read this line I imagined him saying, "could I," then melodramatically turning to the camera with one eyebrow up concluding, "Princess?" Could just be me though.
  
• "he removes a small Teddy bear from a pocket." You could specify whether the pocket was of his pants or of the backpack.
  
• "Tell Mummy...I miss her." Those darn ellipses.
  

Like I said, good story. Like everyone else said, packed moving emotional credence in one page, a feat some shiver at the thought of.

I agree with others, this is well written. I would like to see a few more pages. It's much here and I'm not sure if that's good thing or bad. How do you create plot in a one page story? You forgo it for emotion, I guess.

Solid read.

BLB

Thanks Tendai for the read.

Quoted from tendai_moyo [*] "Jim removes a backpack and sits down." Sits down where?

on the rock

Quoted from tendai_moyo [*] "cold and...icy." This is a personal gripe, but I generally don't use ellipses except to indicate lingering speech. It's not a problem per se, it merely never sits right with me when I read it in other people's scripts. It seems forced to add dramatic effect to a certain extent.

I agree that these can be over used, but also when used properly can be effective. Here i use it for a specific reason, which i hope works. Namely, Jim is speaking about winter in general which triggers a memory, as it happens the memory of his wife's car crash caused by ice. Now we don't know all that but the pause, the change of tone - which i hope an actor would apply - lets us see that something of meaning has emerged. Without the break, they run into each other like a list.

Quoted from tendai_moyo [*] "could I...Princess?" Take these ellipses for instance. When I read this line I imagined him saying, "could I," then melodramatically turning to the camera with one eyebrow up concluding, "Princess?" Could just be me though. [*] "Tell Mummy...I miss her." Those darn ellipses. Like I said, good story. Like everyone else said, packed moving emotional credence in one page, a feat some shiver at the thought of.

Now with these ellipses there is less meaning more, emotion and reflection. Perhaps not essential, but i would argue that if you are trying to convey meaning an emotion to a reader, before it arrives in the hands of a actor, a few of these don't hurt.

Glad you enjoyed.

Hey BLB,

Thanks for read, glad you enjoyed.

yeah, this was written, surprise, surprise, for a one page competition, so space was limited. Indeed, the one page limit is quite a challenge. Some try to play out a whole story others a simple scene.

thanks for the read. do you have anything on the boards for me to return the favour?

cheers

Bill,
Nice one page story.  I understood that the daughter died and the father feels regret.  I also understand that the mother/wife is dead also.  I know it was in "Mummy's car", so does that mean they both died in the car at the same time?  That is what I was thinking when I read it.  Good job on this.

Hello Jeremiah,

First off, welcome to SS. Good to see a new face reading and reviewing. If you have any questions on the site feel free to ask, or PM me. I trust you have found the Portal button, makes getting around easier.

Quoted from Jeremiah Johnson Bill, Nice one page story.  I understood that the daughter died and the father feels regret.  I also understand that the mother/wife is dead also.  I know it was in "Mummy's car", so does that mean they both died in the car at the same time?  That is what I was thinking when I read it.  Good job on this.

yup, pretty much summed it up. Both died together, we don't know if he was there for not (in my head he wasn't, adds to sense in powerless) and he is subsequently trapped in this world all, Alone.

cheers

bill

Glad you enjoyed.

Portal Button?????  Nope.  New to me.  I will check it out.  I like the fact that you were challenged to keep your entire story to one page.  I continue to work on writing, and that might be fun to see if I can do something like that.  My hat (virtual) is off to you on this.

The portal button is a the top of the discussion board page? It shows a list of all the latest posts so you can see what's active. Naturally, things drop off the portal but it's what most of us will look at first.

In terms of one page scripts you may wish to check out moviepoet.com they have a one page competition every year. I think this years was called "less of more" and there were 50 scripts of varying standard.

Indeed, if you are wishing to learn, as well as SS (the best site for learning) MP has a lot of short scripts that are easy to read and useful when trying to improve. Few of the MP scripts make it across to SS. Alone was an MP script but my recent one which did quite well,  i don't think i will post here.

Feel free to ask anything else.

Hey Bill.

I'm sorry to say, but I figured out the ending on page 1.

HA HA!  :-)  I'm sorry, I just couldn't help myself.

Yeah, a pretty emotional one-pager you have here.  No reason to say much more about it except you did a great job at pulling on the heart strings in such a limited space.  Now let me go give my daughter a hug and tell her she's not going with her mom to the lake today.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 Hey Bill. I'm sorry to say, but I figured out the ending on page 1. HA HA!  :-)  I'm sorry, I just couldn't help myself. Yeah, a pretty emotional one-pager you have here.  No reason to say much more about it except you did a great job at pulling on the heart strings in such a limited space.  Now let me go give my daughter a hug and tell her she's not going with her mom to the lake today. - Mark

Hey Mark, thanks for the read. Probably just as well it wasn't longer, too much to handle.   :'( :'( :'(

cheers

Hey Reefy man, I saw this was your latest so I decided to give it a read first.  A 1 pager is a hard task.  I have read a couple - they aren’t the best.  You need to accomplish something in that one page.  Considering the length of the short, I don’t have an extended review, but I’m going to say you accomplished one thing:  I was moved to tears.  Maybe it’s just me, maybe everyone else thinks this short sucks the big fat one, but you touched one person.  Sometimes, I think that’s all that count.  I’m going to read the other reviews after I check out your other stuff.

Bill, nothing to contribute here by me that hasn't already been said by others, except that I think you provided more plot and emotion in this one pager than some others manage to accomplish in 5 pages, so cheers for that!

Gary

Hey Reaper and Gary

I really appreciate the reads and glad you both liked it.

I was pleased with the result and I hope this will be filmed. Currently there are several producers around the world hoping to film this but until its done, my expectation are low.

Cheers

Bill

Bill

A sombre but heartfelt piece for a 1 pager.

Not much to say in regards the writing, very smooth.

After watching Take Shelter again not so long ago I was half expecting a tidal wave to emerge on the sea’s horizon since you started out with the line “A grey sky looms above a “disturbed sea” obviously I was jumping the gun a little in the apocalypse department! Instead, this was a simple and respectful snapshot of remembrance for a grieving father, delicately judged.

Now some back story please! ;)

Col.

Hey Col

Thanks for digging this up. Who can resist a one page script?

I enjoy the one page challenge, it really makes you focus, but as you say it inevitable is a little light on back story. Movie Poet have a one page competition coming up which I intend to enter - this was last years entry.

This was also a shameless stab at a script that should be relatively cheap and easy to film, although some have made the point that the dog adds a complication to filming - time will tell.

All the best.

Grammar is off in a couple of places and it doesn't tell a story. Man sits on beach, we find out he's eating a cupcake in honour of his family's death in a car accident. The end.

OK, I'll get onto what I believe are errors:

Code JIM, 45, gaunt face, thick coat, strides purposefully across the sand up to a large rock, as if he has done this before.

The above sentence should read ... as though he has done this before.

Code After a deep sigh, he carries on and produces a small candle for the cake.

He carries on?

Code After a deep sigh, he carries on and produces a small candle for the cake. With the other hand, he removes a small Teddy bear from a pocket and tenderly places it to his chest.

You should reword all of this. With the other hand, doesn't sound too clever. I think all of this could be said in one sentence.

Code His focus lingers on the horizon, miles away.

You should consider rewording the above. I've never known a horizon to be at one's feet. Unless you mean he's mentally miles away? His focus lingers, is also quite bad.

Code Jim lifts up the cake, forces a smile.

I'm not convinced that he would need to force a smile. In a genuine memory for his daughter, the smile would be real. May be tearful too, but that's how emotions work. Up and down, up and down.

Code JIM Tell Mummy...I miss her.

So he doesn't really care about his wife then? He's talking to his dead daughter as though she is there... yet his wife isn't significant enough to count. Does he really miss her or is he just being sarcastic?

first one pager I've ever read, nice job is all I can say really.

Get rid of the WGA number itself on title page.

Michael

Thanks Dustin and Tricky for the reads.

One pagers are not everyone's cup of tea but I rather like them. A story in ne page is a good challenge. They also appeal, if low budget, to amateur producers. I've lost count of the amount of requests to film this script but I haven't seen one finished yet, as is often the way.

Tricky - re WGA number, yeah I've started removing the numbers from other scripts but left this one for no real reason. With a one pager I'm less worried I about presentation I suppose, but I take the point.

Dustin - it's funny how we all read things in different ways. I was surprised that you thought he didn't care about his wife. The reason he primarily addresses his daughter is that it's her birthday, the purpose for him visiting the beach, yet whilst he is "in conversation" with the child he uses this chance to send a message, which not only illustrates his desire to speak but its the first time we realise that he lost both at the same time and he is truly...alone. If only I had that extra page!

Cheers folks

I didn't actually realise that this was done as a competition or test. If I had I would have taken it for what it is worth and not been so harsh in my judgement.

My reasoning for mentioning the sarcasm is that earlier in the story you let us know that the protag's wife was driving the car at the time of the accident. He talks to his daughter as though she is there... yet his wife is somebody that he has to ask his daughter to say hello to. For me... with the title actually being "Alone" I automatically assumed when you first mentioned the car crash that they both had died. Yet the whole memory centres on the loss of the daughter only. I now see that that was part of your set up as you believe readers will not guess the wife died too. I don't think it works.

Alone has been produced!

Good camera work, impressive acting. I liked the atmosphere and the vibe... but it feels wrong to me that he doesn't talk directly to his wife at the end. He says... say hi to mom for me, or mommy, whatever. Does he blame his wife for the accident?

This could benefit from more. I don't feel that there is enough story here. It feels unfinished to me.

Good job. This is pretty good all round and decent acting which always adds a lot.

I'm curious, what was your reaction, Bill?

Just read this for the first time. I have to be honest I read it completely different to everyone else. I thought the guy was in limbo talking about people still alive and I was totally confused lol!

I then started reading the comments and everyone seemed to get it but me, felt like a fool. Then I read the authors explanation and I'm like 'Oooooh, he's alive and they are dead!' - I'm such a nob!

Then I watched what was produced. Congratulation on getting this made. Even though I read the script wrong it hit me emotionally and the produced version is very good. The actor pulls it off, nice touch showing the daughter briefly as well but no dog though! :-)

Congratulations again, you should be proud of this.

Thought this was one of the better shorts I've seen from here. The actor was pretty good. It's not perfect but not bad at all.

I liked it, Bill, congrats!

Thanks folks.

Interesting one this. I only found out yesterday it had been filmed. Brandon let me know and as I don't have any restrictive contracts on this script I was happy for it to be released.

I thought there was some decent work in this.

Script wise, at its core this is a pilgrimage and to really get this across I feel you need a better sense of journey, but that's harder to do. The dog in the original script, which no one seems to able to arrange, was quite important in the misdirection, otherwise we wonder why he's talking to himself. So, it lacks that.

Thankfully it has the second twist that it's not just the daughter who's gone, hence the title, which helps add an extra dimension at the end.

I liked the quick cut of the daughter alongside, but even then I immediately  thought of the dog registering her and not the father, a form of extra conenction between the real and after world.

But otherwise, nice to see another filming of this. Sicol - Simon - tried this for movie poet as his first film. Despite being simple and short they are quite different.

Have you got a link to it?

I liked it. It was simple, short and just enough emotion in it to not over do it. The acting was good too.

Good job man

Quoted from DustinBowcot Have you got a link to it?

I assume you mean Simons effort

This was posted at Movie Poet

http://www.moviepoet.com/script.aspx?scriptid=3663

Just remember it was his first film, with no budget or support. I was just pleased that someone had tried so we agreed to enter it for fun and feedback. It's more than I could do.

Funny I think that despite the technical elements, like sound and filming, Simons music and lead up are better. You may also notice...there's no beach  8)

Well, I'd like to say not bad... but it is terrible. I'm sure everyone, even si', will agree with that.

Shouldn't use brand names unless they've paid advertising and never as obvious as that, unless it's a comedy and one is pointing out the obviousness of the advertising. Most actors are told to turn up in non branded clothing for small indie productions where there is no wardrobe. Actor poorly cast, way too young. You're right on the lead up.... but I don't think the music was better over all. It felt prominent rather than incidental. The art with music is to not even realise it is playing.

I couldn't do any better... indeed probably be far worse. Just giving an honest opinion.

Interesting how both lasted a similar amount of time considering the script length. I suppose it's down to the intro. Following pages in longer scripts should catch up I imagine.

You both learned a lot though, which is what it's all about. Don't want anyone to think I'm knocking them.

Good stuff, Bill, looks like this was a little more professional than the previous production but you can't fault filmmakers for trying to learn. Not sure if I like the dog being taken away, had a huge problem with him just talking to himself, doesn't feel right. But besides that, solid work here. :)

I thought this was a good short.  I disagree with Dustin's comments concerning Jim ignoring his wife; it's his daughter's birthday and he's spending time with her (in a sense).  When it's his wife's birthday, or anniversary, I'm sure he'll be talking to the wife.  It's obvious to me.

My only problem with the film, itself, is that the sound could've been a little better.  And I'd like to have seen the dog, but I know how hard those are to work with.


Phil

Congrats Bill! I think they did a good job on the film :) Nice to see your work huh?

Quoted from dogglebe I thought this was a good short.  I disagree with Dustin's comments concerning Jim ignoring his wife; it's his daughter's birthday and he's spending time with her (in a sense).  When it's his wife's birthday, or anniversary, I'm sure he'll be talking to the wife.  It's obvious to me.

My kids birthdays are family affairs. I suppose we all do it differently.