Insatiable by Brandon Coleman - Horror, Thriller - A young man struggles to bury his past as visions of death appear all around him. 76 pgs - pdf, format 8)

Hey Brandon,

Don't have the time to read 76 pages ATM. Sorry. But I  did notice the Logline seems wrong ?

A young man struggles put his past behind him as visions of death appear all around him.

Not sure if it's a typo, though it seems like there's a word missing (to).

Alex

Yep, it's definitely missing "to".  Also, you don't want to use "him" twice like you did.  It reads poorly.

Thanks guys. I'll change that.

Hey Coleman,
what part of Illinois are you from?
I live in the Land of Lincoln as well.

Southern Illinois.

Hey, Brandon gave your script a look, here are some of my thoughts...


You have a head start on having not just a physical altercations (killing machine), but psychological one. It's clear that Derrick is suffering from an obsession, through his paintings and nightmarish visions, and by stories end we learn how that relates to him having a negative effect on the people around him. He murders women. In the beginning there's some suspense about whether or not he'd hurt the women he encounters, but after awhile the idea of nightmarish visions seemed repetitive. IMO you lose out on your plot because of the visions and flashbacks that hardly if at all reveal anything that advances things. Things started getting interesting near the end, and you don't need much there. I guess I just didn't feel there was enough plot in the middle. He doesn't seek help, he hasn't seemed help, audience isn't learning much from the flashbacks other than he's been involved with a women before.

Derrick appears to have a need, to learn not to kill. However, he doesn't learn that. Naomi appears to be the victim, but she doesn't have nothing to learn. Might consider splitting screen time between Naomi and Derrick.


Congrats on dishing out another feature.


BLB

Quoted from Busy Little Bee Hey, Brandon gave your script a look, here are some of my thoughts... You have a head start on having not just a physical altercations (killing machine), but psychological one. It's clear that Derrick is suffering from an obsession, through his paintings and nightmarish visions, and by stories end we learn how that relates to him having a negative effect on the people around him. He murders women. In the beginning there's some suspense about whether or not he'd hurt the women he encounters, but after awhile the idea of nightmarish visions seemed repetitive. IMO you lose out on your plot because of the visions and flashbacks that hardly if at all reveal anything that advances things. Things started getting interesting near the end, and you don't need much there. I guess I just didn't feel there was enough plot in the middle. He doesn't seek help, he hasn't seemed help, audience isn't learning much from the flashbacks other than he's been involved with a women before. Derrick appears to have a need, to learn not to kill. However, he doesn't learn that. Naomi appears to be the victim, but she doesn't have nothing to learn. Might consider splitting screen time between Naomi and Derrick. Congrats on dishing out another feature. BLB

Thanks, Busy Little Bee. I'm glad you took the time to read my feature. Your thoughts on Derrick seeking help is considered. I have to figure out how to insert that. With the flashbacks I did want to show more of Derrick's past. I really wanted to think of a way to show more of Naomi's character but I thought that would take away from the story being shown from Derrick's perspective. Anyhow, thank you for your criticism, its given me something to mull over as I improve parts of the script.

No prob. Sure, you'll have another feature up in no time. Are the rest of those titles in your signature horrors? Which is the latest?

BLB

Quoted from Busy Little Bee No prob. Sure, you'll have another feature up in no time. Are the rest of those titles in your signature horrors? Which is the latest? BLB

This is the only horror I have so far. I'm working on a cannibal story. Although my "After Dark" script is somewhat of a horror but more so sci-fi kind of horror because it deals with mutagenic drug. The latest script aside from this one is "Bethany".