Kingpin 2 by Christopher Sorensen (thenextscott) - Comedy - Roy Munson lost his chance to win it big. But now, a once in a lifetime opportunity has come again. This time in beatleland. 110 pages - pdf, format 8)

No way. Somebody did a fan fic sequel for "Kingpin"? Do I even dare look?

I read the first few pages, and was nearly turned off when I thought you were recycling the original Kingpin.
I wouldn't recommend starting a sequel with a random scene from the original.

This had some funny lines in it.
Honestly, I mostly skimmed through it, stopping to read full pages here and there.

I probably would've given it a full reading if you had a Title Page and FADE IN.

Hey Christopher,

I saw the title and just had to take a peek. I enjoyed Kingpin and wouldn’t actually mind a sequel.

An issue straight away, you start with blackness which would mean that the screen is black right? There is never a fade in after this so I’m guessing the whole 12 pages I looked at is just a black screen or maybe I’m being just a tad too technical. :P

Also, why no title page?

And there is no slug in the opening?

It’s not good that you’ve recycled a scene from the original movie in the opening either… maybe you need a flashback sometime in the movie but to start with it isn’t good.

The problems continued for me sorry to say, the slugs and parentheticals are incorrectly formatted, not capping characters on first intro and basic grammar like the capping of names and cities.

A story flaw would be that in the opening 12, this has all the same jokes and even concept as the original, the hook, women coming from the fridge with erect nipples. The fact that Roy is again down on his luck and in debt but hears about a competition with a big prize – all too familiar for me.

And most importantly of all, there is no big Ernie McCracken who was the best character in the original.

This one needs a bit more thought for me.

Good luck and keep writing. :)

Steve

I haven't seen KINGPIN. I wondered if it was a film based on the video game so I looked on Wikipedia where it says, "Kingpin is a 1996 slapstick comedy film directed by the Farrelly brothers" and I was up to speed.

I did want to read this because it says it's set in "beatleland" although you sadly seem to have no idea where that might be. Hint: there ain't many cock-er-nees in Liverpool, mate. Unless you're thinking Liverpool is a district of London off Piccadilly Square?

Ah, yes, "London, england": bobbies, buses, poopy pigeons. The "native tongue of a british accent", mugs of ale and waitress service (by "lassies from the pastures" yet). Oh, and leprosy.

Christopher, stop watching rubbish movies. Stop wasting your time with this trash. Get a passport, go to England. Your life will be different.