The Way Down by Travis Kolpack - Short, Horror - One mans attempt to find forgiveness for his sin's before it's too late! 14 pages - pdf, format 8)

I had to read your logline a few times... i think you need an "s" after attempts to make it a little clearer and a an apostrophe in "man's"

There were quite a few mistakes.

Try and limit your actions/descriptions to 4 lines max.... some may say 3

Page 2
JIM
(Making a HAND gesture from his genital to his mouth) this should also be in your action not a wryly

more 5 and 6 line descriptions.... narrow them down it makes for easier reading

page 3
your 2nd fade in should be on the left

page 4

Jim CHECKS the time

His conversation wife Carol is very on the nose... and really doesn't add to the story... It's not like he went home again.

page 5

They make THEIR way


Again the conversation is on the nose

Gwen
Wait just a second, this doesn’t go
anywhere.  Where are you taking me?    .... you should lose the first line. She already noticed it doesn't go anywhere.

You had few others.... but overall

The story itself was pretty good and had some great details in your actions.... Just need to clean it up.

Mark

Mark

For your logline,
Also no apostrophe in sins.
It's not possessive, it's plural.

Thanks admin for posting!  

And thanks for the tips, I have been following this site and reading as many scripts as possible to get the hang of writing.

This is my first script and it has been a fun little adventure.  Still learning all the what to do's and what not to do's.

I have done a revision and if you want to read that -- link is : http://darkcritics.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/TheWayDown-v4.pdf

(don't know if post can be moderated with new link/script version?)

What's up, killerk.

Your writing style is very easy to read, expect for a few technical errors. As a result, the story moved along briskly. As irish eyes mentioned, the details you provide complement the story perfectly. The story, on the other hand, was slightly deficient, especially the ending.

Spoiler:
Your ending is too straightforward: A bad guys gets killed, goes to purgatory and for a moment seems to earn redemption only to learn he hasn't. This ending didn't move me.The ending was in need of irony.
Jim could have earned a place in heaven only to learn that God is a vengeful god, and has a special place in heaven for serial killers that makes Hell look like Club Med. Thus, Jim would have been better in Hell where he belonged.

With that said, this was a worthwhile first effort. Congrats and keep writing.

Best regards.
rmaze

Thanks for the comments rmaze.  

The ending has been the hardest part for me.  Your suggestion is close to my original, I had him making it to heaven but it turns out to be an old style prison, God being the warden.  Digging ditches and hard continuous manual labor to keep heaven looking nice.  But seemed too comical for a horror ending

Quoted from killerk Thanks for the comments rmaze.   The ending has been the hardest part for me.  Your suggestion is close to my original, I had him making it to heaven but it turns out to be an old style prison, God being the warden.  Digging ditches and hard continuous manual labor to keep heaven looking nice.  But seemed too comical for a horror ending

I thought rmaze's suggestion was interesting.   But as a believer I also know Romans 10:9 says "if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved".  So I guess the dilemma remains how can you maintain an element of truth and yet keep it entertaining.

St. Paul was a murderer and God used him in a huge way.   So what if Jim actually got to Heaven but then God sends him back to Earth as a Bounty Hunter to hunt down serial killers as part of his penance.   Much more realistic, IMO.

Good luck with it.  Your first script is a heckuva lot better than mine was.  

I like your idea M.Alexander, but I think it would be a little too much to fit into a short ... might make for a good feature though.

If you get a chance read my new version, the ending is different.  (link posted above and in signature below)

Quoted from killerk I like your idea M.Alexander, but I think it would be a little too much to fit into a short ... might make for a good feature though.

You're right.  

Quoted from killerk If you get a chance read my new version, the ending is different.  (link posted above and in signature below)

Read it.  Yeah it fits.  Pretty scary.   Just in time for Halloween.  

Hey Travis, I've read over your second draft and here's my thoughts.

You can cut some things like:

EXT. ALLEYWAY - NIGHT

A damp and dimly lighted alleyway,....

You can lose 'alleyway' as you've stated that in the slug.  So it could read:

Damp and dimly lit.  Trash and dumpsters line the walls.

A few instances were you write in the past tense too. Try to stay in the present and not use 'ing' were possible.

Figure should be FIGURE.

'An irrational thought of escape crosses Bonnie’s mind.'  This is a well worded line but pretty much redundant in a script.

Okay enough on format stuff, I'll concentrate on the story...

Pretty blood thirsty demise of Bonnie.  Jim's explanation seems a bit awkward.  If he turns out to be completely mad then I'll revoke this.

I like you thoughts on the credits but it gives me the impression of a feature?  Are you thinking ahead?

Jim sits a table but speaks to the bartender.  Where is the bartender, he hasn't been mentioned so I would assume he is behind the bar.  This makes me think Jim is sat close to the bar or is shouting?  But Gwen seems startled by Jim's order which makes it sound like he is standing at the bar but you stated he's sat down?  This is very unclear.

Gwen is a bit to keen to leave the pub with a man she's only just met and shared a few words with.  She deserves what's coming for being so stupid lol.

When Jim says 'Don't make me angry, bad things when I'm angry.' I just kept imagining Bruce Banner lol.

'Death and burning flesh inflame Jim's senses', again a really good line but it's redundant as it can't be shown on film.  This goes for saying the temperature inside the bus is rising.  you need to think of a way of showing this.  Perhaps have Jim sweating and touching a metal arm rest that is so hot it burns his flesh to the surface?

I like the shift from reality/drama  to supernatural/horror.

I really like Jim's pain.  You give us a clue that Bonnie wasn't his first victim by showing us that Jim has a thousand stab wounds.

When he grabs the barred windows could give you a chance to show how hit it is in the bus?  Just an idea.

Try not to repeat the opening of action lines.  You have a few consecutive 'Jim does this and Jim does that.

Is Carol suppose to deliver the line 'And the surprises are not done yet'?  Sounds like it should come from Levi?

A very strange story Travis.  I liked it.  I think you could probably trim a few pages off this though.  I like the shift to the underworld but I think you could missed a trick.  I thought when Levi said he would be reunited with family, a member of Jim's family would show up that perhaps wasn't dead before.  A sibling or someone, the only one in his life.  Making him grieve and guilty for taking the lives of others.  Just my idea, take it with a pinch of salt.

Anyway, I liked this and for your first script you did well.  I hope this is helpful and it is just my opinion, what you have is good as is.  I wonder if you could spin this into a feature?

Quoted from alffy Jim's explanation seems a bit awkward.  If he turns out to be completely mad then I'll revoke this.

I may have to make this clearer.  You're not the first to mention this.  Jim leads a double life, schizophrenic like.

Quoted from allfy I like you thoughts on the credits but it gives me the impression of a feature?  Are you thinking ahead?

Yes.  Being my first script and first film, I wanted to start small.  If it turns out and is liked, I will expand the and make it feature length.

Quoted from alffy Jim sits a table but speaks to the bartender.  Where is the bartender, he hasn't been mentioned so I would assume he is behind the bar.  This makes me think Jim is sat close to the bar or is shouting?  But Gwen seems startled by Jim's order which makes it sound like he is standing at the bar but you stated he's sat down?  This is very unclear.

I will have to look this over again.  I was sure he gets up and walks towards Gwen...not sure now.

Quoted from alffy Is Carol suppose to deliver the line 'And the surprises are not done yet'?  Sounds like it should come from Levi?

I have had this both ways. I still haven't figured the ending out fully.

Thanks for all the great suggestions and tips.  I absolutely love this community!

For a 14 page short, it was a pretty quick read, even with all the passive verbiage and grammatical errors.

I read the first draft so that's what I'm basing my comments on.

It's pretty good for your first script.  There really isn't anything new about it, and it's fairly predictable.  

It looks like everyone already covered the nuts and bolts of the script.  My only suggestion is that you have the song "Lady" by Styx playing when Jim awakens on the bus.

Welcome to S.S.

Jordan

Hey Travis - Welcome to SS. First script is always the toughest but you learn from it and get better. Nice read though. Best of luck with future scripts. - Dirk

Thanks for reading Nomad and DV44!  

Hey Travis.

I only read the first draft so far.  I didn't know about the 2nd draft until I started reading the responses afterwards.  I'll check out the 2nd draft when I get a little bit of time.

I saw this, and couldn't help but smile:

Quoted from Travis Being my first script and first film, I wanted to start small.

:-)  Lol.  A story about Heaven and the portals of hell small?  I'd like to see your big ideas.  I realized though that you meant small as in a 'short' and not a 'feature' after a moment.

Anyway, horror isn't really my cup of tea, so don't take anything personally if I didn't like the atmosphere of the story.

Writing-wise, I can tell you've been paying attention to the scripts you've been reading.  (Welcome to the site, by the way.  Glad you decided to join as a member.)  While there might have been some mistakes here and there , you're still way above the curve when it comes to people's first scripts.  The mistakes you did make (mainly passive action that I see), I'm sure you can have cleaned up in no time, if it's not already fixed in the second draft.

As for the story, let's see.  First scene:  Boobs and blood.  Yep, you've got the modern horror format down pat already.  :-)

I've mentioned I'm not actually a horror fan in the slightest.  I may be unimaginative, but I kind of tune out when supernatural things begin happening, and it takes a lot to bring me back into the story.

I will say that the ending does read very weird right now.  He gets to Heaven, then is right back again in hell.  It just seems that there needs to be a little more going on, rather than it just ending like that.

Again, I haven't read the second draft yet, and it seems the ending is different in that one, so I will check that one out as quick as I can.

But, like I said, it looks like you're on the right track, writing-wise.

One thing I will say, though, is that I think some of the dialogue might need working on.  Some of it is coming off as cheesy, ('It's finally time to have some real fun') and although this is a horror, I think this could be more of a serious horror and lines like that just don't really sit that well with me.

But definately a valiant effort for your first try.  Like I mentioned, you're way ahead of the curve in the case of first scripts.

I saw you mentioned in the 'Difficult' thread that you mentioned this would be a film in 2013 and see you're taking the reigns.

I definately wish you the best of luck with it.

I'll check out the second draft when I can and let you know my thoughts on that one.  Plus, now that I know it's a horror story (I went into this draft thinking it was a drama for some reason.  I never noticed horror in the description), I'll go into it a little more open-minded and a little more imaginative.

Talk to you in a bit.

- Mark

Thanks Mark for the kind words, I hope draft 2 is better, but it's still a WIP.  

You have got to be kidding me... I spent ages writing out notes on this one and it turns out I have read the wrong freaking draft... This is why you always read the comments first, folks.

Sorry Travis, but if you were looking for feedback on the latest draft with this one, you won't be getting any from me... yet. I'll probably end up coming back and having a look at it again, but for now... I'm sorry, mate but I only have notes for the script that Don posted.

Although there was nothing particularly surprising about the story in this one, I have to say I found myself enjoying it. You're quite the talented writer when it comes to building an excellent sense of tension. You keep that ball rolling, keep my mind thinking and I like that. I think the main issue falls in with your log-line. There's nothing wrong with the log-line itself, in fact it's a brilliantly written log-line, except for the fact that I found it a little misleading. You say that the story is about a man and his struggle for forgiveness. This, for me, was only part of the truth. The story for me felt like it was more about a man actually performing his sins as opposed to redeeming them. The whole trying to get out of going to hell only came in towards the end. Stick to what the log-line says. Make sure you're telling the story that you promised from the very start.

I would be lying to you if I told you that I didn't see every part of this coming. I knew that his idea of praying at the last minute wouldn't work. The attempt at a twist towards the end unfortunately fell through after that. Again, despite the predictability of the story, I couldn't help but enjoy every moment of it. The way you build the tension in that opening scene is a little too good to ignore. We're clearly dealing with one sick son of a bitch and there's a certain aspect to that that I couldn't help but love. Sick twisted characters usually adds to a great plot (when executed correctly.)

Levi... Now he was a character worthy of mentioning. What I particularly liked about him was the conflict in his character. He has a sort of bitter-sweet way around him which is just great. His sarcasm and way of handling the situation had me chuckling at times, but not enough that I didn't take him seriously. Levi carried the main idea for you story and I think using him to get that message across was a wise one.

Carol... Yeah I'm not seeing the point of her, to be honest. Not sure if you've done anything with her in the second draft, but I know in the draft I read, her one appearance was pointless, especially when I consider that this is a short. Every character needs to be there for a reason. Think to yourself "What is the characters purpose? What does he/she bring to the script that no other character does?" If you have nothing, the solution is simple... don't have the character.

Your dialogue has a lot to be desired. I found that quite a fair amount of it came across as awkward and perhaps a little on-the nose. Read the screenplay out to yourself. If the dialogue doesn't make sense, make a note of it, fix it up and move on. Dialogue is something that many of us still seem to struggle with. It's a tricky thing to master, so don't worry about it too much. There are some veterans on SS that will tell you that they still haven't quite learned the methods of effective dialogue.

Lastly, I come to the actual writing of the screenplay. I'm not sure what you've done with the second draft and I'm not sure if any of these comments still apply, but hell I wrote the notes out and I'll damn well make sure they find their way to you...

So, without any further ado...

I think the main problem with your writing comes with the constant use of passive words. When you have a verb that ends in "ing" it is more than likely what is called passive writing. The complete opposite to this, active writing is what you want to get. Active writing is just having normal verbs, as opposed to verbs that end in "ing." For example "Running" would be passive, but "Run" would be active.

Page 1: "Bending over to remove her high heeled shoes, she panics and fumbles around." - "Bending" is passive. To keep this active, I'd try something along the lines of...

"She bends over to remove her high heeled shoes, panics and fumbles around."

Page 1: "A shadowed figure moves swiftly down the sidewalk..." - I'd put "Shadowed figure" in CAPS just to be safe.

Just a general note, you've got quite a lot in the writing that isn't necessary. I'd advise being cautious when you include adverbs in the writing. When written correctly they can be effective, but at the same time, if you don't write it when absolutely necessary it will be seen as redundant and pointless. Nobody likes redundant and pointless. It makes for a messy read, which can annoy the reader.

Page 1: "Bonnie tossing her shoes aside and quickly runs down the alleyway." - Based on the mood you've managed to set already the audience knows she's running quickly. Therefore, there's no need to state this in the writing. However, that's only my opinion. You write however you want to write.

There's a lot more writing that isn't necessary on page 1 that isn't necessary such as "cunningly." Just a tip... When using a word ending in "ly" make sure you check it. Ask yourself if the word is important. If not, get rid of it. If yes, see if you can find another way of writing the sentence without that nasty word.

Page 1: "The shadowed figure makes its way down the wet alleyway, looking for any trace of Bonnie's existence." - We know what they're looking for. You don't need to have "looking for any trace of Bonnie's existence."

Page 2: "The quick and irrational thought of escape crosses Bonnie's mind." - This isn't something that can be seen on film. Can the audience SEE the thought crossing through Bonnie's mind? The chances are, no, they can't. Anything that can't be seen by the audience watching the final result shouldn't be written into the screenplay.

Page 2: "Wasting no time, Jim straddles Bonnie's thin and fragile body." - The fact that Bonnie is thin and fragile should be have been mentioned on her initial introduction, IMO.

I suggest you break up some of the lengthy paragraphs. You don't really have to cut them down (some of them you do), but maybe spread them out across the page a little more...? This makes for a much easier read. It's a mental thing for the reader.

Watch out for the unnecessary page breaks like (CONT'D) and CONTINUED. They aren't needed.

Page 3: "Gurgling on her own blood..." - Passive.

Page 3: "Standing up..." - Passive.

Carol's name should be in CAPS when we first meet her.

"She leans against the kitchen counter supping out of a coffee cup." - "Sipping?"

"Jim walks in and sites down at the kitchen table." "Sites" should be "sits."

Page 4: "Jim looks around and see's nothing but clutter." - "See's" should be "sees."

"He glances towards the bar and notices a woman, GWEN (20's), is checking him out." - You don't need the "is."

Page 6:

                             GWEN
              Stop you asshole! I will shot you!

- Think you mean "shoot."

"Jim's adrenaline rush calls her bluff and he continues towards her. Gwen pulls the trigger." - Two things with this...
1) He's not really "calling her bluff" if she shoots him anyway, is he?
2) I'd try and replace "continues" with something a little more interesting. "Walks" towards her? "Advances" on her?

"Jim awakes to find himself lost, not knowing where he is or how her got here." - "her" should be "he." As well as that, you're telling instead of showing. Saying that Jim is "lost" doesn't help the actor. They need the writer to be specific. How does he CONVEY that he is lost? What do you think he should actually do to show this?

"... there is a stench in the air." - An audience watching the film can't see this. If you want to portray the smell, show Jim wrinkling his nose, or something.

"After a few short breaths that of death and burning flesh inflame Jim's senses." - Again, what part of this can an audience actually see?

I think I've dwelled on what the audience can actually see for long enough, now. I have a feeling I've probably made my point quite clear...?

Page 7:

                         JIM
           Well Levi, I hope have some answers.

- I hope "you" have some answers.

Page 7:

                          LEVIATHAN
            Maybe I can brings things to light...

- "Bring" things.

Page 9:

                          LEVIATHAN
            You still don't full understand.
            Your are dead, diseased, gone, you...

- "You still don't full understand. "You" are dead, deceased, gone, you..."

Page 10: "Falling to the floor, he begins cringing as if being shit stomped by a group of people." - Something I have always seen as unnecessary to a screenplay is when writers swear in the action. Having your characters swear in dialogue is one thing, but swearing while describing something is completely different. How is it necessary?

Page 11: "Becoming still blood puddles the floor." - Doesn't read right, IMO. I'd get rid of "Becoming..."

That's all I have on this Travis.

Despite all the notes I've made, I actually really enjoyed this. It was a particularly good considering this was your first attempt at screenwriting (I think.) Seriously, we have a lot of bullshit coming through SS and this certainly wasn't one of them.

The way you build the tension in that opening scene was a standout, for me and I really see it fit to congratulate you on keeping me interested despite the writing issues. The first screenplay is a test and you've managed to prove yourself as a writer that could potentially go quite far with screenwriting if he wants to.

Just take the time to read, read and guess what...? A little more reading. You've got to focus on those small writing problems that are holding you down. Trust me, most of them are quite easy to throw off. Those habits will very soon be forgotten.

Again, sorry I provided feedback on the original draft. I should have read some of the comments so I was in the know. I suspect a lot of the issues I've pointed out may have been fixed already, so sorry for going on like a broken record for so long. Hope you learned something anyway! ;D

And last but not least... Welcome to SS!!

Cheers,
Dan
            

Holy notes Dan!  Thank you for going through my script so detailed.  I'm also sorry you had to read all of that only to find out there is an updated version.

You did however answer a few questions I had about some of the issues others have mentioned.  Thanks for that!

I'm glad you liked most of it, and I can only hope you like the changes I made in the second draft.  I hope to get one more draft done before we begin shooting the film in November-December.