The Good Luck Charm by Jeff Rosenberg (ncguy1420) - Horror - College student Payton Reed is having a run of bad luck,  that is until she discovers an antique mirror at a yard sale. Suddenly all her greatest desires seem to be coming true but for everything good thing that happens to her something equally horrible happens to someone she loves. When Payton learns the shocking truth about her good luck charm she’ll have to face off against an evil as old as time itself. If she loses her friends die and the demon takes over her soul but the only way to win may be to give in to the demon’s dark desires. 122 pages - pdf, format 8)

I felt when I saw your page count that 122 pages is awful long for a horror film, and when I saw the script, I saw why.  Lots of one-line action/narratives here.  If you were to go through the script and compress them into paragraphs of four lines each, you'd probably whittle a good ten pages off that count.

No comments on the story yet as I've only read the first couple pages and skimmed through the rest, but I'll come back to it.

Hey Jeff.

Gave the first ten pages a read and saw that there were a bunch of one-liners as Lon pointed out.  It's really just a waste of space to separate the blocks of action with empty lines so losing those should tighten the script up.

Also, between the dialogue, you have a number of unnecessary action lines such as, "she smirks.  she nods.  she smiles."  As a reader it's really off-putting to have those short lines muddy the flow of a script.

There is also no description of any of the characters aside from their age.  Just a few lines on the main characters will go a long way.  Best of luck.

I look at your logline, your hugely excessive page count and I need to tell you: you need to learn the fine art of being concise. If an amateur writer takes thirty words to convey a message, a skilled writer can convey the same thing in five. First and foremost. Cut down that logline to thrity or so words. Do not try to go into too much plot detail when writing these. Just a basic nut n' bolts of what your story is about. And generally, 122 pages is way too much for this kind of story, especially for a first time writer. Even if there's a good story under all that fat, a producer might toss it based on that page count alone. Generally try to shoot for 90 - 110 pages.

As for your story, it might be good. I don't know. I can't get into it. Simply for all the reasons previously stated. Tighten this gal up. Re-post it and than I'll give an opinion on the story and characters.

I skimmed the few few pages as well and have some thoughts...

Is the writer around?

If you are around, chime in and start a dialoge.

After all, it's your script.

Hope to hear from you.

Shawn.....><