Desperate Me by Anthony Brennan - Short, Comedy - Two 20 something best friends navigate through their highly hectic lives together 17 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Anthony,

I'll wait to see if you pop around on the boards to give you any further feedback. Before I even opened this up I could tell that there might be problems. The log-line for starters, needs work... "Two twenty something..." - What? Nah, not going to cut it, I'm afraid. If you want to state that they're young, then state it, but don't give a vague age.

As for the writing, it's a bit careless. Your opening slug doesn't include a time of day. It may not be needed for every slug, but you certainly need it for your opening slug.

Your opening line reminds me a bit of my first screenplay 'In Colour' which earned a horrible first review as a result ;D.

"the scene shows Jackson being flustered as he walks in." - Firstly, you need to not ignore basic grammar. Have that first word in CAPS. It's first year elementary school stuff, man. Secondly, never start a scene with "The scene shows..." - We know that's what the scene is showing. Simply writing "Jackson enters, flustered." - Same point across, not as many words.

Then, we have the whole issue of the characters not being in CAPS when we first see them and the other grammar and spelling mistakes to follow, but as I said, I'm going to sit and wait for your appearance on the boards. If you feel kind enough to show your face, send a pm and I'll be more than willing to help you out.

Good luck.

Dan

Yep. It's poor. Like Dan says - there's a whole bunch of issues here.

Ok.  This is twice I struggled to finish a short script.  Again, I started to take notes, but quit on page 2.  I will still post them.  I went ahead and finished the story to see if it went anywhere.  It really didn't.  Seemed as if this was some random scenes, but not a story.  It isn't my cup of tea anyway so I struggled through it.  See Dan's comments above.  Not much more to say here, but it needs a lot of work.  My notes:
Pg 1:
No FADE IN:
Opening slug has no time/day.
Started sentences (many) with no CAPS on first letter.
Hardly any punctuation.
“the scene shows...”  and continuing should not be here.  It is direction and not action.  Direction shouldn't be here anyway.
Introducing characters without capitalizing their names first.

Pg 2:
More of the same, caps, punctuation, etc. problems continue.
James “...and now he saids he loves”  think you meant “said”
Rhian “Don’t be this friend right now,
just answer the question”  I don't understand this line.
Jackson “ every guy you meet online so lets
not even go their”  think you meant “there”

Forgot to add, don't stop writing.  Keep at it, and keep wanting to get better.  Take what good notes you can to make your writing, story, etc. better.

Good luck.

Good story. What you need to do is improve your grammar, and learn a little bit more about screenwriting. :)

Keep writing. Smile. :)

Hello Anthony.

I've read the script and there are a lot of grammatical mistakes and choppy dialogue that kept me from getting into the story.  The action lines felt rushed and mashed together.

A comb-through with an emphasis on grammar and fragments would drastically improve this story's flow.  Stick to it and keep rewriting.