Choice by Joseph Barniak - Short - A single teenager, shy from conflict, must choose between an abortion and losing her friendship. 20 pages - pdf, format 8)

Log-line needs a little work. Rest of it - lack of atmosphere. There's a lot of dots that need filling in here. I half recognize your name, but I'm not sure you're a regular.

Thanks for reading.  I used to be a submit more often.

Should always have a title page.

Your first slug line, you don't mention if it is day or night. Your writing is all over the place in terms of what tense you are in. A good way to eliminate this is to go back after you are done, look to all the ing ending words and see if you can write it in the present tense.

Watching becomes watches, sitting becomes sits, putting becomes puts, etc.

When you introduce a character, CAP their names, so the reader knows this is a new character. Give a brief description of them, mainly age, so we can picture them. A name does nothing for me. You introduce Daniel like this, but not the Dr....why? You introduce Jane...after we already meet her. Daniel is looking to her, you mention this, then later on down the page you decide to describe her, after she has even spoken. Who am I picturing talking if you describe her after?

You use a lot of BEATS in your dialogue. It's distracting the way you have them now. Use them to separate the dialogue, not be a part of it, as of right now your Parentheses are off putting.

Just some of the things I noticed right off the bat.

Thanks The Usual Suspect, thats some good stuff!  Thanks for spending the time, I'll definitely do that.

Hey Joseph,

I thought I'd pick this one up as it was the first in the 'short section'. It can't hurt right?

I'm sorry to admit that I put this one. I wasn't really following what was going on very well. I think portraying things in your narrative is definitely something you need to work on. Make sure everything is crystal clear. I shouldn't have to read over sentences twice.

Below is everything I got before I put this one down.

Page 1:

                                  DR. JASON
                               (washing his hands)
                   Its a part of the job, something you'll
                   learn to get used to.  (beat) As an
                   abortion doctor, there's nothing we can
                   do about it.  (pats her on the back and
                   walks away)."

Keep an eye on those parentheticals, as they are very distracting as well as not properly formatted, IMO. It should look like this...

                                     DR. JASON
                               (washing his hands)
                   Its a part of the job, something you'll
                   learn to get used to.  
                               (beat)
                   As an abortion doctor, there's nothing we
                   can do about it.
                       (pats her on the back and
                          walks away).

As has been already mentioned, I would suggest having that last paragraph in a different action line.

Right off the bat I noticed some minor writing issues. These are rookie mistakes which even the best of us tend to forget. Your characters need to be in CAPS when we first see them.

You also seem to be lack some sort of description fro your characters. What do they look like? What's their age? When you included details like this in the writing, it makes you look like a much better, more experienced writer. I don't even know the gender of your characters.

On Page 1, what is Daniel sticking a pencil through. You never really elaborated on that? It seems to be an important detail, though, so perhaps you should pay a little more attention to that?

Page 2: "She sighs not believing she being dragged into this again." - You include detail that the audience can't directly see on screen. How does an audience know what she's thinking? Try and think of incorporating body language to express a characters thoughts. At the end of the day, that's the stuff that an audience will see.

Ok, you lost me on Page 3. I have momentarily lost what's going on. I'll read on to see if it's picked up.

Only just noticed your slug-line errors. You need to have a time of day at the end of each slug.

Lastly, I would suggest that if you want more reads on your work, you really need to get out in the site and make yourself known. Give feedback for work other than your own. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Give reviews that you would like to receive and you should be good as gold.

Good luck and keep writing.

Cheers!

Dan

Thank you Dan.  You know, I just took a screenwriting class and boy you are exactly correct.  These are basic formatting issues.  Do you know a good book or website that really addresses these issues?

Joseph as far as screenwriting websites, I honestly believe you've come to the right place. SS is a great way to learn the craft. Persistent practice and sheer determination will get you far. You've come to the right place when it comes to getting some constructive feedback.

As far as websites where you can learn the craft go, there are plenty. The website I learned from is a bit outdated by now, but it's still an awesome place to go and definitely worth the visit.

Here's the link: http://www.screenwriting.info/

Keep an eye on some of the tips the author gives. Some of them don't apply to the more "modern" way of writing.

I've never had to use it but apparently http://www.scripttoolbox.com/ is another great website you can use to learn the craft.

As far as books go, I'm more of a technological learner myself. I've never actually tried reading any books, but apparently you're not a 'real' writer if you haven't read Blake Snyder's "Save the Cat." Guess I'm not a 'real' writer, then ;D.

Have a look at the main simplyscripts website. Don has posted a couple ads for his favourite screenwriting books. You'll find them here

That's about all I can give. As I said, plenty to go on and plenty places to learn. The internet has worked wonders for screenwriters around the world. If you find that none of these links work, simply Google "How to write a screenplay." You should find at least one resource that works for you.

Cheers and welcome again to SS.

Good luck! Let me know when/if you ever post a re-write.

Dan