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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  October 2012 One Week Challenge  /  The Ledger - 10/12 OWC
Posted by: Don, October 19th, 2012, 11:20pm
The Ledger by An Ugly Bag of Mostly Water - Short - When travelers take refuge from a hurricane, they learn not all shelters are safe havens. - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: mcornetto (Guest), October 19th, 2012, 11:38pm; Reply: 1
That was certainly an odd piece.

I think it went beyond the requirement and tried to give the motel some meaning.  It should really be about the travelers (those who take refuge) not the staff   It's probably a bit beyond budget as well.

The  Ophilia/Amelia names were a bit confusing.

Good try, but I think you tried to cram too much into this script.  

This is a short not a feature so I think you really needed to concentrate on one story and tell it well.    For example we could have learned a bit more about the priest and it would have made his fall more interesting.  
Posted by: Gage, October 19th, 2012, 11:59pm; Reply: 2
Well, the motel seemed to be the most interesting character of all.  I especially like the scene with Amelia, the thought of it gave me chills with the baseball and scissors.  I thought this one was pretty good, a bit "full", but still enjoyable.
Posted by: Ryan1, October 20th, 2012, 12:07am; Reply: 3
I'd agree with Michael that this piece was a little too ambitious for its own good.  Started out well enough, with the arrival of the priest and the vividly described Edward.  Points off for borrowing the name Legion from the Exorcist, though.

But after that, I quickly became lost.  Not sure what happened to the priest, I'm assuming Edward took over his body but I'm not sure of the significance of that.  Then the Amelia/Ryan storyline made little sense to me.  I get that this motel is some sort of nightmarish station of lost souls, but it was hard to feel much for Amelia because I couldn't understand what Ryan's ghost was doing there and what he wanted from her.

And then George enters the story with about two pages to go.  There were simply too many stories going on and not enough time to delve into them.  From a technical standpoint, I thought the writing was good.  But the script lacked focus.

  
Posted by: rc1107, October 20th, 2012, 12:38am; Reply: 4
I did like the idea behind this one.  The writing was decent.  I did get lost a couple times in the actions, (at first, I thought the manager was taking Father James to a backroom, then I realized he was taking him back outside.)  I also had a hard time picturing going from room 6 to 1128, and couldn't help but picture a great big huge 1200 story hotel.

The characters were odd and interesting, probably the m/hotel the most interesting of all.  Meets the contest guidelines there.  I'm guessing this is hell, so all the characters have died, which would be the supernatural event requirement there.  And, remnants of a hurricane.  I'd have to say that qualifies.

Don't know if I really get the ending too much, though.  It comes off as a little rushed towards the ending and I'm not sure you quite conveyed what you were trying to.  I was mixed up in Ophilia's story, and don't think this was quite the best climax.  I don't know what I was looking for exactly, but the ending seemed just a little muddled.

I was still interested in the story the whole way through, though I'm not sure all my questions got answered.

A very good quality entry for the first one I've read.  I'm impressed.

- Mark
Posted by: stevie, October 20th, 2012, 12:54am; Reply: 5
Yeah, like Ryan, I was into this, what with the excorcism stuff and that. Writing was crisp. There was a fair bit going on but it was ok.

But then it sort of became muddled. Perhaps the author was running out of time (lord, tell me about it...).

Not a bad concept, this hotel of lost souls and the ledger for accounting people's lives, etc.
Might be better with a re-write.

Cheers stevie
Posted by: danbotha, October 20th, 2012, 12:56am; Reply: 6
I'm in agreement with others on this one.

Don't get me wrong, I think you've done a good job with it, but for me there's too much going on for a short. I'd love to see you pull a feature with this one. It certainly has potential.

In terms of budget, I think you may have gone slightly overboard with it.

Good effort, nonetheless :)
Posted by: DV44, October 20th, 2012, 1:09am; Reply: 7
The writing was solid but I'm in agreement with the others in that you crammed too much into the story. The beginning started out great but felt rushed towards the end. All in all you did a nice job. Congrats on completing the OWC.
Posted by: greg, October 20th, 2012, 1:28am; Reply: 8
There were a couple really good things going on here but I think the script would have best been served with just one topic.  Both Father James and Amelia's stories were great and well-drawn out and I think that's what the story should revolve around, rather than Ophelia who I felt fell very flat, especially after those two otherwise solid sequences.

Definitely creepy and I think for a rewrite those should be the focus.

A solid entry, could be even better with some retooling.

Nice job.

Greg
Posted by: nawazm11, October 20th, 2012, 1:32am; Reply: 9
This was... strange... I can't really judge it since it doesn't carry a constant story, just segments of little plot lines. Like others have mentioned, you would benefit by just focusing on one story. The exorcist one seemed interesting, if you can get the manager in there and fully finish it, you could have something here. As it sits, it's not doing much atm.

Maybe I'm missing something here though? Maybe the stories connect somehow?

Good job on completing the OWC.
Posted by: LC, October 20th, 2012, 2:36am; Reply: 10
Okay, you had me, but then you lost me.

Best writing of those I've read so far, some nice description etc. But again, wth did I just read?

As said by others, stick to the one story, it'll serve the purpose far better.

I must say though, good job on displaying some nice wit and dialogue.

Just disappointed there wasn't a cohesive plot.
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), October 20th, 2012, 2:41am; Reply: 11
The good - the wriiting.  Very few mistakes.  Good grammar.  Seems like a good writer wrote this.

The bad - Absolutely no clue what went on, why whatever went on, went on, and really completely lost as to any semblance of a plot or even story.  Hurricane was less than a second thought.  Not even sure who any characters were or were supposed to be.  Skimmed the last few pages because nothing was making any sense.

Good writing, which I rarely say, but very poor plotting and staying within the OWC challenge.

Sorry, but I can tell you can do so much better, based on your strong writing skills.
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, October 20th, 2012, 3:43am; Reply: 12
Nice use of the motel, meant something.

I also like the foreshowing at the beginning with the blinking sign.

What would have been better is to follow one story rather than, three i think, by the end of it.

This would have allowed more depth to the characters. For instance the Father suddenly appears to do exorcisms .

I think most stories will have little to do with the storm, other than it is happening, but again it didn't seem to form a part of the script other than forcing a few people win, but if it is a working motel, thats no different to a normal day.

Fair effort and well done for getting one in, a hard challenge in IMO
Posted by: kingcooky555, October 20th, 2012, 6:18am; Reply: 13
Some nice touches here that are 'cinematic'. For example the motel sign.

The author went with an ensemble approach or it read like an ensemble. I thought it was going in the way of the Exorcist, but then the author introduced all these characters. unfortunately, there's just not enough space to weave all these characters into the story. Pick one character or 2/3 characters, develop them and stick to them, especially in a 10-12 minute short.

The characters didn't have anything to tie them together other than they're stuck in this motel.

A good writer wrote this, but don't fall too in love with prose (i.e. become verbose). On page 8, the author had a 4 line description paragraph, which i think can be trimmed on another go around.

Very good effort.
Posted by: Pale Yellow, October 20th, 2012, 6:34am; Reply: 14
This one feels like it needs more space to me. Like it's too big a story for 12 pages. I was a bit confused with the Ophilia/Amelia from the beginning.

The writing was good and easy to read. It was the story that was just too much for me....for this amount of pages.

I think the special effects went a little overboard for micro budget type stuff.

This is the first one I've read but I'm afraid we will see a priest more than once in this owc. Limited parameters.

Anyway, good job with the writing...just too much going on for me.
Posted by: Eoin, October 20th, 2012, 6:37am; Reply: 15
This was well written. The characters were well thought out and the action description was very assured.

Only mistake I think was: 'Ophilia shudders and makes arcane gestures to ward herself.' ward should be warm?

This was like a tale of morality, with the motel being symbolic of purgatory where damned souls come to check in and make a choice, one last shot at redemption.

I felt for Father James the most. He seemed world weary and in need of that rest. The interaction between Father James and Edward was good, but this story line was the one which needed to be expanded.

Great effort.
Posted by: RJ, October 20th, 2012, 7:06am; Reply: 16
I found this very entertaining and, from reading previous comments, this may be just me, but I loved this. I dug it. It's my kind of thing. IMO, best one so far.
Congrats and good luck.
Posted by: jwent6688, October 20th, 2012, 11:05am; Reply: 17
Nice visuals in this one. Loved the scissors and the red nail polish.

Pretty good entry, nice job having the characters chose between good and evil. I liked Ophilia and how the tables turn on her in the end.

I think three individual stories did make the script suffer a bit, though. Had you focused on one for twelve pages, I think this would've been a bit more ominous. Anyway, probably the best effort I've read thus far.

Good job completing the OWC.

James
Posted by: DaveTroop, October 20th, 2012, 11:42am; Reply: 18
Congrats on finishing the OWC!

I'm not going to repeat everything already stated here, but I am in total agreement with the others.

Good writing by a good writer.

Let's focus on something positive.

This is too crammed for a short, but it is perfect for a web series.

Your motel is the star.  Each episode features a tale similar to the three in your short.  But just one tale per ten minute episode, please.  A guest checks into the motel with "baggage" (I'm so good) that they resolve when they enter their special room.  
The constant character is the Manager with his ledger.  You can lose Ophilia, or you might keep her for comedy relief.  Sort of like Tattoo on Fantasy Island.

Go ahead, run with it.  I think it would be awesome.
Posted by: crookedowl (Guest), October 20th, 2012, 1:14pm; Reply: 19
This was well-written, slightly overwritten at times.

So Father James shows up and the manager immediately takes him into another room for an exorcism? This could work, but the way it plays out here isn't very realistic or natural.

Okay, I was lost once Amelia showed up. From the other comments, I'm guessing you're doing some sort of three-story thing, but I'm still pretty confused.

Some nice elements in this. Good visuals.

Overall this was good. Nice work completing the OWC.
Posted by: khamanna, October 20th, 2012, 1:31pm; Reply: 20
This could be very interesting but too many characters spoil it. Also i dont see who this story is really about - looks like its about -Amelia and her son, Ryan, but she appears only on page 6.

I think when you introduce a character this late we should know about his/ her presence and his/her role early on and expect this character to show up.

I dont think you need manager or Ophilia at all. I also dont understand why its happening in a motel, i know its a requirement but doesnt fit our story. Could be a hospice perhaps?
Posted by: Grandma Bear, October 20th, 2012, 4:21pm; Reply: 21
Page 1. Love the beginning description with no vacancy whether they vacancy dies and the only word left is no.

Page 2. Good going so far. I enjoy the dialogue and kudos for adding interesting characters!

Page 3. You have me intrigued with the old man on the bed. Good work because so far, you have had something interesting happening on every page. Keep that going and I will be happy. :-)

You even have order the cliffhanger at the end of the page. Very good. Makes me want to turn to the next page. Or at least scroll down to the next page.

Page 5. Not so sure I'm fond of father James jumping up on the bed and stabbing Edward.

Very good dialogue though.

Page 8. Love would you did with Amelia in the motel room. Creepy.

Page 9. Again you have added a cliffhanger at the end of the page. Very good. I am hooked!

Okay, finished. This is now my favorite, I think. I have read 6 now and 2 of them I really really liked. Excellent work. Be proud of yourself. Congratulations! 8)
Posted by: irish eyes, October 20th, 2012, 6:22pm; Reply: 22
A lot going on for a microbudget... But very well written, had me intrigued from the start...
Is it a gateway to hell?

Good job

Mark
Posted by: Mr. Blonde, October 20th, 2012, 6:23pm; Reply: 23
Seems like I share the sentiment that most others had. There was too much story in this story. You could have easily had two separate ones: the first half and the second half as their own stories. Because of that, none became fully realized and it felt very average because there was nothing exceptional.

C.
Posted by: mmmarnie, October 21st, 2012, 1:20am; Reply: 24
The writing here is very good and you created an interesting vibe and atmosphere at the motel.  I was into each character's personal story but in the end my biggest question is, what is the purpose of the motel?  A place where the dead get their revenge?  But that wouldn't make sense for Father James.  So I was left very confused.

You defintely grabbed my attention though.  Nice work for a difficult OWC.
Posted by: alffy, October 22nd, 2012, 10:59am; Reply: 25
I want to like this one as it was well written but I have little clue as to the story.  I'm guessing the manager is some sort of soul catcher and the motel his tool.  Is he bring the guilty to face their past?  I don't really know, just clutching at straws.

Nice idea but needs to be more clear.  I also had an issue with room numbers, as I pictured a small motel but with room number 1128 it must be huge.

Not the best but by no means the worst I've read so far.
Posted by: CoopBazinga, October 23rd, 2012, 2:06am; Reply: 26
I want to start by saying that I really like the title - good one.

This one has a lot going for it. Having it split up into three individual stories was a bold choice as you're losing some character depth and it does make it tad confusing as an overall piece. I couldn't find a link between the three stories in anyway and if you can figure out a way to make them all connect like a fine jigsaw then you're really have something great here.

In saying that, although not quite great yet, this is a pretty damn good story and quite clever if you ask me. This motel plays on people's worst fears, right? The priest unable to stop the demon, a woman who killed her son accidentally? Ophilia and her lover/husband I'm guessing who she put a hex on after he died.

The first two little stories were well executed with solid decisions for the characters to make, if there is a let-down,  it would be Ophilia's story because I wasn't quite sure what decision she made? But I did happen to like the "old bat" even if I was wondering why was she there in the first place if she knows this stuff?

So the motel plays on their fears and gives them a decision to make and it's what they choose which decides whether they live or die but who's doing it - I guess the obvious answer would be the devil but I'll leave you to inform me of that one.

Honestly, the more I think about this one, the more I'm liking it. Little things like the motel room number "1128" which immediately struck me as odd but it's reference to Amelia's old house, the location of her traumatic past, which was nice and subtly done.

The characters were pretty decent as well, obviously didn't get a lot of time develop but all were handled with care and had enough about them for me.

Like I say, If you could tie all these characters together somehow and deliver it at the end as some kind of twist then this story would really pack a punch, IMO.

A great story overall though and I liked how clever it was and where you've taken this on the theme and restrictions that were set, even if it did seem to break the MICRO budget... kudos!

I would also quickly recommend changing this to a hotel after the challenge... just feel that would more of an eerie feel about it.

Now onto the writing which I also liked, great visuals here for sure.

I am just going to just a few nitpicks out because it can't all be good news, right. :P

The repeating of the slugs did bother me in the opening like "A run-down motel" and "The motel lobby" I knew this already from the scene heading so it was unnecessary. And don't tell me it's a run-down motel - show me!

A few times this was overwritten, the description of the child's room in room 1128 a prime example.

The use of "continuous" was wrong sometimes, IMO. There is one scene where they're standing outside the room but haven't opened the door yet but when we move into the continuous scene inside, they're already there?

And not giving Amelia any description was strange and not consistent for me, just a little visual would have helped here.

Little things on what is a great little piece of writing and storytelling for a week's worth. I think you've earned yourself a good pat on the back with this one. It's among my top picks at the moment and I have to be honest, I could be swayed to vote for this - I'm impressed!

Excellent work.

Congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve
Posted by: SteveUK, October 24th, 2012, 10:13am; Reply: 27
This was certainly well written, with interesting characters and good dialogue, but I didn't really like it. I think this was just simply because there was too much going on. You had three separate stories happening and it all got a little muddled.

If you had just picked one of the stories and concentrated on fleshing it out, it would have been much better. As it is, we kinda get parts of each story, buy not enough to really connect or care for any of the characters.

If the stories had been connected in some way this may have worked better. But as it is, three separate stories in 12 pages is just too much. It all felt too rushed, and the ending was weak.

I could see this working as a feature - a horror anthology with separate stories that take place within the motel, and the Manager as the kind of 'Crypt Keeper' character holding it all together. But it just doesn't work as a cohesive short.

Taking refuge from a hurricane in a beat-up motel?
Check.

Odd but interesting character(s)?
Check. Too many interesting characters, unfortunately.

Choosing between good & evil to survive the night?
Check. Just. Amelia has to choose whether to kill herself or not, but I don't remember much choice being on offer to either Ophelia or Father James.

Past supernatural event?
Check.

Micro budget?
Fail. I can't see this being filmed the way it is on a micro budget.

Congratulations on writing a solid OWC entry.
Posted by: Andrew, October 25th, 2012, 6:32pm; Reply: 28
Agree with Jeff that the writing suggests you know what you're doing. Regards the clarity issue, it's surely a product of the time limit.

Just too many characters - too many cooks spoiling the broth and all that. You didn't have enough page count to cohesively fit in the Father and the two females. You lost tension as a consequence.  I just never felt in the story. Strip it back and get to the nitty gritty.
Posted by: RayW, October 26th, 2012, 2:02pm; Reply: 29
The Ledger by - When travelers take refuge from a hurricane, they learn not all shelters are safe havens.
Brief - Motel manager marks through three people in his ledger of issues.

Locations & Sets  -  Exterior, motel @ night. Interior, motel lobby @ night. Exterior, motel walkway x2 + room @ night. Interior, motel room @ night
Actors  -  MANAGER (50), FATHER JAMES (28), OPHILIA (56), EDWARD (70), AMELIA (36), GEORGE (22)
Costumes  -  dirty vestments + decidedly off-white collar for ruin, Edward’s soiled pajamas for ruin, Amelia’s outfit to ruin
Props  -  leather case, knitted bag, sliding bureau, heavy silver crucifix + necklace, skin burn prosthetic, rosary beads, kitchen knife, stabbing knife into chest prosthetic/prop, liquid stage blood, leather-bound ledger, fountain pen, white towel, large umbrella, a child’s bedroom + toys, framed picture of boy baseball player, baseball, child silhouette cutout, large fabric scissors, red nail polish, voodoo wand, black dust
Audio FX  -  finger drumming, door bursting open, room furniture, clothes, residence debris, man screams, wind and rain, scissors SNIP!
Visual FX  -  burned skin smoke
Other  -  hurricane wind and rain stock footage, lightning flash, night time exterior rain effect, set design for an upturned room, sliding bureau (or substitute) effect to block the door, makeup artist, blood spraying device, plastic drop sheet to protect surfaces, lightning inside of room lighting, jerk rig for framed picture + books + toys, allocation for wall damage, dresser drawer opening effect, nail polish on scissors effect.
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural horror suspense
Comments  -  Will delete the opening sign gag. Only the character’s age goes within the parenthesis. Turn off your screenwriting program’s mores and continueds feature. Delete the manager walking F.James along the walkway scene to save time/budget hassle. Allocate extra day to set design upturned room - not to mention the hassle of motel management approval. And additional ($$) crew to set up the child’s bedroom. Going to be difficult to cast a 70yo actor who can (safely) jump on the bed gleefully. Kitchen knife on the floor. Seriously? All these additional actors start to run up the production cost alongside the expense of shooting additional scenes outside and in. Okay, that pg8 room description is a budget buster. WTH are you thinking? flying frames and books and toys are all money flying out the door, too. Allocate for thrown scissors damage. Substitute for George to cigarette machine scene. Three little stories that don’t make one coherent whole story. Characters are neither odd nor interesting. No decisions at all, let alone between good or evil, or to survive the night. The budget is absolutely detonated. Script format: fair. Final word: disjointed story is beyond given criteria capabilities

$7,000 - $9,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 11.6 Screenplay Pages
= $603 - $776 Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - nope
take refuge from a hurricane - yep
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice - nope
between good or evil - nope
in order to survive the night. - nope
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep
that factors into their choice. - nope, no choices
Genre is open. - Supernatural horror suspense
This is a micro-budget short, - h3ll, no!
so no destruction of the motel, - yep
no children or animals - yep
and minimal special effects. - yep
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - nope
dinosaur(s) - nope

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit
Posted by: Leon, October 27th, 2012, 4:21am; Reply: 30
There was some very immersive and atmospheric parts in this script, and some wonderful colourful characters.  But there were three different stories here in such a small space, and felt like three disparate pieces, I think it was too much for such a short script.

I didn't quiet get what was happening, I think it was a place for the dead to get revenge on he living.  But found it ambiguous to exactly what happened to Father James or his relationship with Edward.

Still really enjoyed this one, probably my favourite so far.
Posted by: Abe from LA, October 27th, 2012, 9:43pm; Reply: 31
This is a pretty good entry, and I think a good start to something bigger. Yes, there is too much story packed into the tight page restriction, but again, once the challenge is over you can break out.

I thought the start of the script was the strongest.  The priest's story was interesting.  Each succeeding story worked less well for me.

the writing is very good. You are one of the few writers who understands that writing decades (as in '70s), requireis no apostrophe.  Excellent!

I would definitely change the Ophelia, Amelia name confusion.

In the Amelia scene, there are a couple of instances where you tell us what is going on internally.  Easy fixes and for the most part, you follow with an action or reaction that taps into her memory.

Your story feels like an anthology and that it is meant to go big.  I can see the characters crossing paths in the story, early on, to give everything a connection.  Overall, I liked what I read.  Preferred the priest story, but was into the set up.  Do a rewrite and go wider, my friend.
Posted by: Tommyp, October 27th, 2012, 10:58pm; Reply: 32
I agree with most comments here.

Good writing, very clear and crisp, but the story I was confused about and I think you would have been able to make it a lot better with 20 pages or so.

Good stuff, shame about the limitations. Rewrite coming soon I hope.
Posted by: ReneC, October 31st, 2012, 4:48pm; Reply: 33
Hey everybody, thanks for the great feedback, it's spot-on.

I use these challenges to try new things, but I bit off more than I could chew this time with three separate stories. I wanted more of a vignette-style but the stories didn't gel as well as I'd first thought, probably because of the rushed edit I had to do.

Ray's budget breakdown opened my eyes for sure. I had a different idea of micro-budget when I wrote this, I know some producers who consider $1000-per-minute to be micro-budget. By that reasoning I came in under budget with the $7k-$9k Ray estimated, but seeing what others were able to come up with for a fraction of that budget put me to shame. I'll keep that in mind for the future.

I like the concept here and plan on giving this the rewrite it needs, with better budget control.
Posted by: Pale Yellow, October 31st, 2012, 4:51pm; Reply: 34
Good job man :)
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), October 31st, 2012, 6:13pm; Reply: 35
Congrats, Rene.

Not my fave, as you saw from my feedback, but it's the popular vote that counts and you excelled there.

You definitely went big and I give you Kudos for that.

It's interesting with the staggered release of scripts. Sometimes, the first batch gets the most reads, while other times, once they drop off the portal, they get buried down there.

I think you had enough good word of mouth to keep your script up, so new readers got a chance to give it a ride.

Great job, man!!
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