Into The Eye by Anonymous Tim - Short, dark comedy - When two storm chasers are forced by a hurricane to take refuge in an abandoned motel, they soon discover the locals are more challenging than the weather. - pdf, format 8)

That certainly was a drak comedy...

Pretty good for a few days work.   I liked this the best of those I've read so far.   I'm not sure it really meet all the criteria in the brief (mostly the decision part) but it's close enough.  

And with a small rewrite it could be made very micro-budget.  

I would also like to see Albert and Boyd as British storm-chasing tourists because it would be much funnier - IMHO.

Nice work.

This one was pretty funny.  Not a big fan of Boyd hearing voices - I know part of the challenge required him to have a supernatural backstory, but the reveal was odd and seemed pointless other than to pull out a few jokes.  Billy Joe was a delightfully twisted character and I love Betsy's bluntness.  Good job!

Very good - and funny - first few pages.

The Owner continues the laughs then it gets bogged down a bit. Too much dialogue there, most of it unfunny.

Betsy's appearance was a tad too violent and didn't fit in with the comic theme (I didn't see this as 'dark comedy').

Writing was ok, had no prob with the formatting.

Cheers stevie

Weird story here, although I liked it.

A man tried to connect to a dead woman and the woman killed him the first chance she had. Classic.

The dialogue often was too much and went too far and could have been cleaned up I think.

The voices and sixth sense thing was redundant I think.

Not sure why there are random capitals for random words either.

Good stuff though.

I was staring at "drak comedy" for a good few minutes, trying to decipher what it meant. Searching it on google, it corrected the mistake. ;D I won't blame you though, I'm pretty sure I spelt my title wrong?

Anyway, onto the story. This was pretty good considering you were attempting an unpopular genre. I laughed at most of the jokes. You did a nice job with the one location but would've liked a little more action, besides that, a good piece.

I found a few typos here and there but the writing style wasn't bad.

It's strange how much one of your characters matches the one in my short.

Also, I think I know who wrote this? Guess we'll see when the names get released.

Bit of a 'WTF did I just read' really.

I give you points for getting all the stipulations of the challenge in there, but as a result it was a bit of a messy read for me.

And, a few of the plot points beggared belief - why the owner shot one of the guys just like that stumped me. And why one of them appeared to be scared of storms and wanted to get the heck out of there - when the eye of the storm was almost upon them, when it is their role as storm chasers - stymied me as well.

Also, I really think you needed to give the 'Owner' a name to begin with and stipulate their gender.

To sum up, I found myself skipping ahead in parts and the dialogue was a bit puerile (jmo) - sorry, but even if it was befitting the characters I did find it kinda tiresome.

Gotta say though the brief for this one was tough and you got it written so well done on that! Plus I see many other folks enjoy it so, horses for courses.

Good job.

It was certainly entertaining.

I first saw 'Drak Comedy', and I thought it was some reference to Dracula, so I was waiting for another vampire twist.  I don't know if I would consider this a dark comedy.  Dark comedy is funny BECAUSE it's depraved, but at the same time, serious and moody.  This was dick and underwear jokes while supernatural and violent things just happened and weren't related to the dirty humor.

Though, like I said, it was still entertaining and met the challenge requirements.  Both Boyd and Albert did make the choice to do this, and they wound up surviving the night, so it does pass that requirement in my book.

It gets a little stale and ho-hum and over the top cheesy at the end, with the boys leaving to go to a titty bar instead of a hospital like Albert was trying to do the whole time.

But you've met the requirements of the challenge and entertained me at the same time.  Congratulations on some good work!

- Mark

Sorry, as a comedy this didn't work and really just lagged to the end.  There were some clever dialogue exchanges but it wasn't enough for me to think of it as a comedy, even a dark one at that.  There were some cool ideas in here with the hurricane serving as a way to connect with the dead - very good usage of that.  But I think this should have been anything but a comedy because when they weren't cracking jokes it just kinda limped along, and then toward the end when shit's getting serious, someone makes a wise-crack and it feels out of place.

Some of the lines were funny but I think the tone should have gone in another direction.

Owner should also be referred to as his name, I think.

Good usage of the hurricane, though.  Thought those ideas were really cool.

Greg

The punch line was hilarious.  The buildup from the beginning was good, but I felt at times that the story was a bit slow. I didn’t think all the details you provided was necessary. But the story did add a comedic twist to it. The middle and ending were balanced out. And after all, this story has enough conflict and emotion. I just think that the computer necessarily ties in with the plot.

The action lines were all lean. I haven’t notice any grammar errors. I see all the visuals and they all flowed well together. This story is well thought out.
The dialogue are all lean and they don’t sound silted either.  

I have spent enough time with these characters. All the characters had their own voices and they were in 3D. I can identify with all these characters, well, except for the owner, even though he’s distinctive.I think it’s the best story thus far.

The good - you completed a script that seemed to meet most or maybe even all of the criteria...

but...

The bad - I'm sorry, but I quit after 2 pages, because of all the mistakes, the poor writing, the botched logline, the dialogue, the complete lack of attention to detail...fuck...I don't knnow...just couldn't go on.

Sorry, I guess this was supposed to be a comedy, and maybe I didn't read it as such, but it didn't work for me at all, and I'm sorry...maybe I was tired.

Was getting into it to start, then by page 5, was really over all the dialogue, sorry.

Moving on from page 5 - liking the owner, but agree he needs a name to begin with.

I don't get the shooting of Boyd.

I didn't see the 'choice' between good and evil to survive the night though - They were forced by the owner - no deciding there.

As a whole, like others, I liked the story. I liked the use of Betsy and the meaning with her resting in piece.

Good Job.

There were some nice exchanges that were funny. I think to go comedy for this type of challenge is ballsy as you've got to nail the "Shawn of the Living Dead"/"Tucker & Dale" feel to make it work. Maybe on a next run through the author can nail it...

it worked for the most part, but there were bits were some lines were forced to setup a joke later on.

Decent job. Easy enough to film.

This was prolly my fav of the first five posted.

I don't think you needed to shooting of Boyd. I'm not sure the whole alter room thing is doable on a tight budget but maybe.

Storm chasers though was a quite unique take on it. It wasn't laugh out  loud comedy but I did get a couple chuckles.

Decent job in my opinion :)

Someone decided to have a shot at lavatory style comedy. I'm guessing this was written with tongue firmly planted in cheek, or at least I hope it was.

Redneck Motel, my spider senses are tingling.

Dialouge, well, seemed to be forced just for the hell of it. By the end of page 2, I'm rolling my eyes.

How do the rules of water boiling change in lower atmospheric pressure?, only a variable changes, which yields an expected result . . .

Few typos, like 'Annoyed, Albert he reaches . . .' no need for 'he'.

Arse? Albert is British . . . ?

This one seems like it's a total pisser.

Congrats on finishing the OWC.

Caught a few random unnescessary capitalized words.  Minor grammar mistakes. No biggie, but proof read before resubmitting.

The comedy is very good in parts.  Not every joke is a homerun, but there are a few good ones.

The rules for this OWC were pretty constricting but I thought you covered them for the most part.

The hurricane played a major role as did the motel.  Of course those are the easy ones.  Raising the dead - good.  Hearing voices - meh.  The Owner with the shotgun covers surviving the night.  

The Owner/Billy Bob gave me the most laughs.

I suspect the author is a Brit (the torch  and arse gave it away) but I really didn't see typical British humor.  I love me some Brit wit, but here it was more sitcom style watered down by the hurricane.

Some of the gadget and scientific talk slowed down the pace.  You kinda need it to give them credibility, but it was too sterile.

Overall, I liked it.  Good job!!

This was a light-hearted attempt. I like the central idea here, being able to open a portal to the dead in the eye of a hurricane. I didn't get why they were storm chasers, seemed like Albert was more of a paranormal investigator with all of his knowledge.

Some decent jokes involving sexuality, I always dig that. The characters all had back story involving supernatural events, so good on that. I didn't see a decision on them to survive the night, though.

Good job completing the OWC.

James

Interesting idea you had with the hurricane.  The scientific explaination went on a bit long though, especially since I had no clue what you were talking about.  But the concept grabbed me.  And it was unique.

The wise-cracking banter between Boyd and Albert was funny but went on too long in some parts.  And after so many jokes it was hard to take Albert seriously when he was talking about his parents.  And Boyd hearing voices felt forced and just thrown in there to meet the challenge criteria.

Pretty solid writing though.  An easy read.  All in all it was entertaining and a good effort for this difficult OWC.

Nice effort.

Not quite dark comedy, more of a mash up gross out (something about Mary ish) and dark comedy violence (Shaun of the dead), even a touch of a buddy movie.

Nice to see the storm and the motel woven into the plot as core items. The underlying concept seems interesting, with potential but needs some clarification and once out of the criteria of this competition the voices in Boyd's head looks like one to drop, feels bolted on.

All the best

Not really my kind of humor (and certainly not dark comedy) but it wasn't bad. I agree with Marnie when she said that some of the banter was good but it did go on too long.

A small quibble is that, if you're going to give a character a name (like Owner), give it to them right away, even if they're not called by it for a while. Not really a whole lot to say on this one. There wasn't much wrong and there wasn't much right.

A friendly, average script.

C+.

A few grammar/spelling errors throughout. You misused the comma a few times, so look out for that.

Some good lines in here.

Name "owner".

Not really a fan of Boyd hearing voices.

You didn't properly intro Betsy.

12 pages is pretty long. You could definitely cut a few pages from this.

Good job completing an OWC.

I enjoy all types of humor and this was pretty good "Salivating inbreds who can smell my anal virginity" :D That was funny.

At times it got a little lost... Not too sure about the shooting of Boyd and whether it would fit into a microbudget ... but good job on entering

Mark

I was asked by the writer to relook at this one, so being the kind hearted, lovable, friendly dude that I am, I said, why the fuck not.

So, first of all, it appears the typo in the logline was actually The Don's doing, and has since been corrected.

I'm actually going to throw out comments as I read, so the writer knows exactly what I'm thinking.  The key here is these are my personal thoughts, and they may be very different from others.

Opening Slug - "THE REDNECK MOTEL" - Not funny to me, and I already have a bad feeling about this.

Now we see the sign, repeating "THE REDNECK MOTEL".  And here it is again, in the following Slug.  My point being, if someone doesn't like this name, you've really beat it into our heads early, and that's a risk, IMO.

Opening line under 2nd Slug is incredibly awkward and very hard for me to understand what it's supposed to be saying and what I'm supposed to be seeing.

The next passage, "A figure steps..." is also awkward and again, I really don't know what it is I'm supposed to be seeing.

Opening dialogue has an unnecessary wrylie.

Next line after the dialogue starts with "He", but remember, we haven't been intro'd to anyone yet - it's a mistake to conceal identity unless you really intend to kep it concealed.  It's confusing and unnecessary to do it like this.

The room is empty,..." - the items you list are not "items" - they're merely characteristics of the room.  "concrete floor" - damn...that's sparten.

The boiler room is connected to the manager's apartment?  WTF?

I think this was about where you lost me the first time, with Boyd's "Fate!..." speech.  Hey, comedy is so subjective, you now?  To me, this isn't remotely funny.  Almost comes off like this whole script may be a pisser.  Then, Albert's follow up dialogue didn't make any sense to me with the "Tuscon" reference - actually, still don't know what this is supposed to mean.

So then on Page 2, we get "...returns his attenton to the laptop." - Uhhh, what laptop?  As far as I know, this is the first refernce to a laptop.  Then after osme banter, he pulls out another laptop.  WTF?  Where are these things coming from?

The page of banter may be funny to some, and it's ont bad, but for me, it is not working at all.  Not sure why.

I'm also not liking how it seems these 2 have never been invovled in what they're doing - as in their dialogue between each other - Albert is telling Boyd stuff he'd obviously already know, and Boyd is actign like he's a first timer in this stuff.

So we then get a bunch of dialogue about physics and the like, which leads into...the supernatural?  Just seems to be included because it was part of the challenge.

"OWNER"?  a name would have helped here, IMO.

Wow, wait...now this owner dude shoots Boyd?  Completely out of context with the whacky, almost pisstake feel.

"Albert helps tourniquet Boyd's leg." - helps?  Helps who?  With what?  What's going on here?

Annoyed, Albert he reaches..." - WTF?  Typo maybe?

"Boyd lies down,..." - WTF?  Has he been standing this whole time?  He got shot in the leg with a rifle!  I would imagine he went down immediately.

OK, so you throw a dia,logue line in, relating back to the "redneck ass rape stuf", but it comes out of nowhere, with no lead in, meaning it doesn't work, as written, or set up.

Some of the banter is funny here between Albert and Owner, but it's really hit an miss and each miss is a groan.

"FLAT" - WTF?  A brand new (mini) Slug?  I don't get it.

I think a big problem here is that the tone is constantly shifting, sometimes pisser-like, sometimes serious.  Fo me, it does not work at all together.

So now, we find out Owner is actually Billy Joe - he should have ben intro'd this way immediately.

And just like that,he's dead, in another complete tonal shift.

The End. - I wouldn't get through this without a special request.  I wold have stopped somewhere no mater what.  Doesn't work for me, personally, but there are some funny gags going on.

Hope this helps a bit.

Page 1. 1st thought is your slug that says " the redneck motel". I am hoping that it's not just what you call it, but that description would actually play in to the story somehow. Otherwise, it is a wasted description.

From the other side of what?

Some funny lines in here which is good.

Page 2. What laptop?

Retrieves another laptop from where? It is good to not have descriptions that are too wordy, but don't leave the reader guessing for the sake of being sparse.

Some deliverance comedy there. You're doing very good with the dialogue so far. It's not just idle chatter. Gives us the information we need and is somewhat funny and shows character.

Page 4. I like how you use real science for this. Makes it more interesting and again makes it not just idle chatter. Good work

Page 5. Okay, so I know this was written by a Brit. Whilst and arse? You won't find any redneck in Georgia saying the word arse! :)

I am currently on page 9. I like your dialogue a lot. Excellent work. You also don't give us all the information, you keep it the bit of a mystery. Makes the reader have to think, have to engage. Very good.

Shouldn't it be " the eye is passing right now" instead of " we are entering the eye now". Nitpick I know, but…

Finished. Very very good job! Kept my interest throughout. This did not read like a 1st draft at all, so, congratulations on an excellent job! I will remember this one. Thank you. 8)

Quirky, at times funny, certainly dark. Not bad, though it was mostly talking heads. A lot of exposition, too much for such a short piece but there was a lot of story to tell. A few more pages would let you stretch out the dialogue a bit and really help this. But there were a lot of mistakes here, as has been pointed out repeatedly.

A decent entry, with a thorough rewrite and polish it could be great. Nice job.

The story had its share of laughs. The dialogue read a little clunky at times but It didn't stop me from reading the entire script. All in all I thought it was a good job. Congrats on the OWC.

All grammar errors aside - I liked it. I read about 5 of the submissions and this was my favorite so far.

I liked the chemistry between Albert and Boyd and while the dialogue isn’t hilariously LOL stuff, I did indeed chuckle a lot.

Some of this was totally bizarre – I loved it. Would LOVE to see you expand this into a feature-length and fix some typos and go more into descriptions, fixing formatting, etc.

Comedy is so subjective. It was sporadically funny but struggled to channel that into a real story. Boyd being taken out was definitely a little disappointing because he was the best character. Betsy's lack of forgiving was funny and fitted the tone.

Not bad but a bit by the numbers as it is. Not really much to add.

A dark comedy, felt more lighthearted comedy to me. Looking past some really poor grammar and the fact that some characters were mixed up at times which really confused the hell out of me - this wasn't too bad. I certainly had a few giggles along the way.

The idea of some storm chasers is a good one but some things just didn't ring true like Boyd suddenly coming out with the "I hear voices" line.

I like this supernatural aspect of raising the dead or speaking to spirits but think it was ruined by the Owner's part in it. You set-up some good groundwork for Albert with his speech (although it felt forced) to Boyd about his parents and I was expecting some pay-off for him at the end.

But when he turns to Betsy at the end and asks if he can talk to his parents, he's bluntly returned the answer "No!" which was funny I guess. But then given the whole "they're proud of you" thing.

Maybe this was the main problem for me here other than some really confusing writing at times. I never knew what tone it was going for, it shifted from one to another constantly throughout.

Not a bad effort though... it did have some really funny lines and I think you've ticked of most of the requirements, maybe missing the decision part though.

Congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve

Into The Eye by - When two storm chasers are forced by a hurricane to take refuge in an abandoned motel, they soon discover the locals are more challenging than the weather.
Brief - Two storm chasers assist a local in resurrecting his mummy girlfriend.

Locations & Sets  -  Interior, motel lobby @ night. Interior, motel room @ night
Actors  -  ALBERT, 30, BOYD, 30, OWNER (65), Betsy mummy
Costumes  -  rain coat
Props  - flashlight x3, carry-all bag x2, laptop x4, silver chain + locket + parent picture, liquid stage blood, tourniquet fabric, rifle, stones for large diameter circle, large hunting knife, bed sheets for ruin, pseudo-mummy, photo frame, stained pair of ladies underwear, rusty razor blade, bleeding slit throat prosthetic
Audio FX  -  laptop slam, gunshot, door slam, muffled floor thump of body, throat slit sound, mummy screams
Visual FX  -  green screen insert weather radar data onto laptops, gunshot flash
Other  -  stock hurricane wind and damage footage, door opening effect, twitching mummy sheets effect, plastic drop sheet, throw away carpet yardage, dissolving mummy body effect
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural thriller
Comments  -  I’d just rewrite that intro to save a few production dollars. Magic tourniquet material just materializes! Wow! I’m also changing the PITA boiler room to just a regular motel room - to save a hassle - other than getting manager permission to move the motel bed(s) around for the stone ring. Three guys and a resurrected mummy, and the story still isn’t all that engaging. The premise is fine, I think the dialog needs some reworking and maybe the cover story needs a makeover. Not useable as is. I failed to see where there was much of a choice to be made between good and evil to survive the night. Script format: fine. Final word: missable characters and story

$1,000 - $2,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 12 Screenplay Pages
= $83 - $167  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - nope
take refuge from a hurricane - yep
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice - nope, help or die isn’t a choice
between good or evil - nope
in order to survive the night. - nope
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep
that factors into their choice. - factors into their actions, but not their choice
Genre is open. - Supernatural thriller
This is a micro-budget short, - yep
so no destruction of the motel, - yep
no children or animals - yep
and minimal special effects. - yep
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - nope
dinosaur(s) - nope

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit

Now we are all exposed, so to speak, time to say thanks to everyone who read, especially Jeff who drunkenly took offence at Don's typo, and couldnt remember reading it in the first place, but kindly went back a second time and bashed it all the same. :(

Lessons learnt;

1) don't do comedy - tricky one to pull off in an OWC, especially a crass slapstick style. Not everyone's cup of tea. I did try and blend a few genres, maybe too much, but it didn't feel too different to likes of Shaun of the Dead, where they joke about farts then have to chop of zombies heads including his mother. But still, tricky to pull off. Best not to be done in a week.

2) don't submit two days early after a drunken night out when you have made some last minute changes!! Recipe for disaster. Eg forgetting to mention the lap top. Small things can annoy.

3) check for Brit words - arse, torch, saloon car etc etc never going to get that perfect but may get better.

Not the best of outcomes but it was definitely a challenge.  ??) ??) ??)

I think if Pia and Michael are trying to mash these into one feature the comedy aspect wouldn't work but maybe the concept of a portal opening in the eye of a storm has something.

Cheers folks.

I WISH I had read this one before I voted!  I ended up casting my vote for One of God's Special Children - which I admit was a solid, good read.

But this one?  Even better!  Memorable characters, loved the quips!  And the story pulled together in almost everyway.  The only thing this missed as far as the demanding criteria went was the choice over good vs. evil...  There really was no choice - the protags just did what they needed to, to survive.

But - kudos.  I really enjoyed this one!

--Janet (wonka)

Hey Janet,

Kind of you to read and even better you liked it. This wasn't everybody's favourite genre so next time I will avoid comedy, unless I can't think of anything else of course. The OWC gives you so little time with often tight criteria that I find I have to go with the first possible runner.

Good to see you and the "old dog" back on the boards.

Cheers

Bill

Bill, I agree with the others. A great dark comedy. You also should consider taking another genre story. Deeper develop and change the genre of your story to a serious sci-fi fantasy or horror by changing your scene headings.

Since we are deep in the Georgia Swamp Countryside we could say:

EXT.  ALLIGATOR  MOTEL  -  NIGHT

            OR

EXT.  RED  BUG  MOTEL  -  NIGHT

Now,  You don't have to change anything else in your story. Just the scene headings above. Now you have a more serious Sci-Fi fantasy or Horror.

I really like your story. Very Good.

Darryl