Print Topic

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  October 2012 One Week Challenge  /  One of God's Special Children - 10/12 OWC
Posted by: Don, October 20th, 2012, 7:13pm
One of God's Special Children by Anonymous Ida - Short - Hurricane Wilma battered the Florida Keys in October, 2005.  On a lonely Key, a young woman must make a decision that could affect the entire world. - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: Pale Yellow, October 20th, 2012, 7:45pm; Reply: 1
I loved this one :) One of my favs. I like the characters. Like the decisions.

GREAT JOB
Posted by: greg, October 20th, 2012, 9:15pm; Reply: 2
I liked this.  I got a little mixed up here and there but overall this was a good take on the challenge.  Dialogue, as ridiculous as it was in parts, was I think pretty good for the most part.

The good/evil decision was there and it played out well.  Supernatural stuff, yep.  

Loved getting Rock You Like a Hurricane in there.  I lol'd.

I'm not sure it'll be one of my top choices but it's one of the more complete ones I've read so far.

Nice job.

Greg
Posted by: Mr. Blonde, October 20th, 2012, 9:19pm; Reply: 3
This one has positives and negatives. First of all, I'm wondering if anybody out there was offended by Kimmie May's character. I understand some people speak that way but that was a borderline racist portrayal.

Also, I enjoyed several of Lew's lines whereas Michael was the straight man (who, incidentally had a great comeback) but it worked out overall.

There were a few (unintentional) spelling errors in there that spell checker wouldn't pick up but a solid read-through would.

And, the The Beatles song in the beginning almost comically made me think I know who wrote this one... but I've certainly been wrong before.

Anyway, nice and solid.

B.
Posted by: danbotha, October 20th, 2012, 9:29pm; Reply: 4
Well, I have my favourite so far. I LOVED this. If that dialogue isn't enough to get a mention, I don't know what is.

Worried about the "minimal special effects" bit though. I've never had to do anything with special effects before, but I can't imagine those beads would be very easy to pull off.

Other then that, I really enjoyed this.

Good work!

Dan
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), October 20th, 2012, 10:46pm; Reply: 5
I'll say it again, this last batch of scrpits is just heads and shoulders over the earlier ones.

Dialogue is good.  It's also funny, yet serious at times as well.  Tough to pull off.

Seems to be one of only a few that meets all the requirements.

The story is rather simple, but the characters make it unique.  Action-lite, dialogue heavy, but I really liked the shimmering bead visuals, and Lew's dancing fits.

Now, the obvious Beatles plug makes me wonder if it's a red herring or the writer's inability to not include a Beatles reference, but I don't see any Aussie phrasings here, so...who knows.

It's a another good effort.
Posted by: stevie, October 21st, 2012, 12:37am; Reply: 6
Guys, I haven't put any Beatles stuff in an OWC for over 2 years now!

To quote Kimmie May: mebbe it's time you boys got off da hard stuff - best you stick to the Bud, ok?

This was well written and planned nicely. The dialogue seemed real, though for some reason I didn't like Lew saying 'cocksucker' - felt a bit forced.

The final bit was a bit shaky, like the author was unsure of the ending. I dunno, anyway, a good job here, my fave so far.

Cheers stevie
Posted by: LC, October 21st, 2012, 1:50am; Reply: 7
Kimmie was quite an entertaining character to begin with and the dialogue was pretty good, plus some of the imagery was quite nice... and almost there, for me. But towards the end this just kinda dragged imo.

Not a bad effort.
Posted by: mcornetto (Guest), October 21st, 2012, 3:49am; Reply: 8
I thought that was fairly well done.  It worked for most of it but then it sort of got too expensive for microbudget (all those water effects).

Also, i'm completely befuddled why people insist on setting their script in the motel office when that is obviously a more difficult ask than a  motel room for a small production company.   Especially when something can easily be set in that single room - like this.

The story here was pretty good - not totally developed but good nonetheless.  The dialogue was also pretty snappy, except a few times when I thought it was borderline on-the-nose.

Overall good work for an OWC.  

  
Posted by: jwent6688, October 21st, 2012, 6:40am; Reply: 9
This doesn't seem like Stevie to me, am sure the Beatles song is a red herring.

This was way over the top, but pretty fun. I enjoyed Lew. Short for Lucifer? Especially his breaking into dance at any given moment. Kimmie Mays choice between good and evil is evident here. I didn't get any supernatural back story from her, but I liked this on the whole.

Good job entering the owc.

James
Posted by: DaveTroop, October 21st, 2012, 7:06am; Reply: 10
Congrats on finishing the OWC!

(We should make T-shirts with that phrase, BTW.)

Another really good one.

The writer here has some awesome dialogue and visuals.

Although I don't think Kimmie May's character is racist, it is definately
Jerry Springer-like, but may come off racist on film.

I also agree the special effects may make this too costly.  Not to mention the rights for Yellow Submarine as opposed to Rock You Like a Hurricane which I assume would be much cheaper.

Of course, if you consider the prize here is a professional recording by actors, this would be a worthy winner since it is mostly dialogue.  

Excellent job!  See you in the finals.
Posted by: khamanna, October 21st, 2012, 8:49am; Reply: 11
Flows very well but feels repetitive.

Good and evil battle for her soul in this one - that makes sence. What doesnt however is the fact that each is simply asking her to go with him. Id think evil is better ask her to do something evil which he doesnt do at all. Overall I felt cheated.

Tap dance and few other instances - disrupted the flow for me.

Good dialog.
Posted by: mmmarnie, October 21st, 2012, 12:11pm; Reply: 12
This one really held my interest.  Great characters, setting and expert writing.  Not sure I totally understood the ending but I still really liked it.

My favorite so far.  NICE WORK!!
Posted by: grademan, October 21st, 2012, 2:49pm; Reply: 13
Motel – yes
Hurricane – yes
Micro budget – no
Characters – maybe - Exaggerated and might be odd
Supernatural – yes
Choice – yes

I liked this. I wasn’t distracted by the dialogue though I did think that Lew was over the top. He may even be memorable. Lew and Michael could both use a lesson in making a sale.
Posted by: DV44, October 21st, 2012, 3:28pm; Reply: 14
This is my favorite so far. Awesome job! Very cool idea of good versus evil. Kimmie May sounded to me like the Brenda character from all of the Scary Movies, added a bit of humor to the story. Job well done!
Posted by: crookedowl (Guest), October 21st, 2012, 4:40pm; Reply: 15
I agree that this was good. Well-written, with good dialogue. I'd be careful with Kimmie May's dialogue, though, since you don't want it to sound racist.

Typo page 2: "in prayer mode in font of him." front.

I like the characters in this. Great job completing the OWC.
Posted by: kingcooky555, October 21st, 2012, 5:11pm; Reply: 16
It seems like this OWC is heavy on the religion theme out of the ones I've read. This one was well done. The dialogue is crisp and you could tell from the way they talk that each character was unique in a way.

One only minor complaint is that Michael sounded too good to be true. I was actually expecting him to be the Devil as a twist.

good job.
Posted by: Ryan1, October 21st, 2012, 10:19pm; Reply: 17
Didn't care for this as much as some of the others here.  Couldn't figure out if the writer was going for full-on comedy sketch or earnest parable on faith.  Seemed to waver between the two.  Chick gets knocked up by Satan at Spring Break.  Now that's what I call high concept.  Some of those lines made me laugh, though.  Especially when Lew says " Be strong, my big black ass!"

The ending was reminiscent of A Christmas Carol.

So, not my favorite, but the dialogue was kinda funny.
Posted by: SteveUK, October 22nd, 2012, 4:43am; Reply: 18
A well done effort that I enjoyed reading. It's a story that's been told many times before (good and evil battling for someone's soul), but your character work (especially Lew) made it fun to read.

Overall the dialogue was very good, although Kimmie May did come across as a bit of a charicature.

The term 'shimmering beads' was way overused. There's something like ten times where you use 'shimmering beads' as a description, and it did come off as very repetitive. Try to mix the descriptions up a little.

Taking refuge from a hurricane in a beat-up motel?
Check.

Odd but interesting character(s)?
Check. Lew was definitely the stand-out character. He came across like some kind of demented evangelist, and was extremely memorable.

Choosing between good & evil to survive the night?
Check. Kimmie May's dilemma of choosing between Lew and Michael nails the criteria.

Past supernatural event?
Check. Getting knocked up by the Devil definitely counts as a supernatural event.

Micro budget?
Fail. Using 'Yellow Submarine' and 'Rock you like a Hurricane' would blow the budget of a lot of features let alone a short! You also had a few special effect scenes that would be impossible on a micro budget (The opening shot of the hurricane battering the motel; The 'shimmering bead' water effects).

Congratulations on writing such a solid OWC entry.
Posted by: Tommyp, October 22nd, 2012, 5:10am; Reply: 19
This is my favourite script so far.

Smashed the criteria, is funny, easy flowing and well written.

Good stuff!!
Posted by: wonkavite (Guest), October 22nd, 2012, 7:44am; Reply: 20
So far, this is my fav.  Lew's a great character.  :)

Is it a total novel idea?  Nah.  But the way it comes together really works for me.  Not much to say here, since there's little I'd throw in as a constructive criticism.  I like it.

Thhhouuuuggh...  There *are* a few things I'd tweak, if/when you rewrite.  

1) You're laying it on a bit too thick with Mom's po' southern dialogue.  I was *that* close to being racially offended.  

2) Okay - she had a one night stand with a very distinct looking guy...and she doesn't recognize him the minute he walks in?  

3) The decision at the end.  WAY too passive.  Have Michael give her more info on the pros and cons - which need to be way compelling on both sides - and have *her* make the decision (rather than just seeing it in a vision of a headstone.)  

4) More snarky back and forth with Lew and Michael, please!  That part particularly shone.

Cheers,

--J (W)
Posted by: rc1107, October 22nd, 2012, 10:11am; Reply: 21
Afraid I'm going to have to go against the grain on this one.

Maybe it can be chalked up to me not being a 'comedy' type person, but someone going around the whole story doing a weird 'jig' just doesn't do it for me.

I also have to disagree with what everyone's saying about the dialogue.  I think it was way too over the top for me.  However, I also have to disagree with people because I don't think the dialogue was racist, either, just over the top.  (Also, the drawl was something more like you'd hear in Georgia, New Orleans, Alabama and Mississippi.)  Not Southern Florida.  (Former resident!  God, I miss it, there.)

On a good note, the criteria of the challenge here was met.  (All right, so it might not have been MICRO-budget,) but nailed everything else.  (I also disagree with what others are saying that the other scripts 'Aren't' meeting the requirements, but that's another topic.)

So good job nailing down the challenge.  As for the story, again, you can blame it on me not being a comedy person, but this one just didn't do it for me.

- Mark
Posted by: Gage, October 22nd, 2012, 10:33am; Reply: 22
Ha!  Clever, very clever.  Held my interest and had some great characters.  All the guidelines were hit in a very entertaining way.  Excellent!
Posted by: Pale Yellow, October 22nd, 2012, 4:10pm; Reply: 23
Going through my top five list and looked over this one again...

Have to say...you got the best dialogue of any of the entries this go around!

Good job man...or uh woman :) haha
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, October 23rd, 2012, 3:24am; Reply: 24
Nice and simple, the choice between good/bad, Christ/evil, a grave or partying all night for the rest of your life....did she make the right one?

I don't read other comments first but I do scan after reading. Racist?? Didn't to me, I just thought you were portraying this type of character, and rather well. You didn't make her stupid.

Lew and his jigs, yeah liked that. It stood out. Michael, quite frankly was so boring, uninspiring, it almost made the decision wrong. He's got to do better. Where's the sense of peace, the warmth, the joy of love etc that goes with his beliefs.

Lew being the father? Wasn't sure that worked, it could, but is it the best way? Why not just have her pregnant and these are the two options. If he was the father lew should have argued more for that, it also hangs over the child which was slightly forgotten at the end, which in reality should be the real focus.

So, a few issues but...

Sound effort.
Posted by: ReneC, October 24th, 2012, 4:50pm; Reply: 25
This one has a lot to like. Very strong writing, except for the dialogue. Read it out loud and you'll hear how awful some of those lines are. But the description lines are powerful, visual, engaging.

What I really like about this is how the choice requirement is thrust to the forefront and becomes the story. The good and evil are literal, with the familiar twisted just enough to be interesting.

Despite the dialogue problems, this is one of my favourites. It went on a tad long, the last few pages had repetitive beats while trying to convince, and it was over-budget but the SPFX felt tacked on anyway and could easily be removed, but all in all one of the strongest entries I've read. Great job!
Posted by: nawazm11, October 25th, 2012, 2:50am; Reply: 26
Okay, I had to read the last page a few times to actually understand what happened. Luckily I did too because I was about to write a bad review. ;D

This was pretty solid, nice job here. The dialogue was sometimes distracting but it really got you into the read.

Not much I can suggest, the beads were strange and I couldn't get a clear image of them in my head. They play a vital part in the story so maybe a little more description would've been nice IMO.

Currently the best entry that I've read so far.

My grade: B+. Good job. :)
Posted by: Eoin, October 25th, 2012, 9:01am; Reply: 27
A few small formatting issues at the start like:

KIMMIE MAY (24 African American, very pregnant) - just age in parenthicals

&

FEMALE VOICE
(from radio)

FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) - no need for the wrylies.

Yellow Submarine by the Beatles begins . . . suspicious

Enjoyed the characters, plot was pretty good, not a bad effort.
Posted by: irish eyes, October 25th, 2012, 9:20pm; Reply: 28
This was pretty good... The good v evil is definatley there to see.... I was a little taken back by Michaels"Get the fuck out of here" comment it seemed out of character.

BUt it was very tongue n cheek and read very easily

Good job

Mark
Posted by: CoopBazinga, October 26th, 2012, 11:28am; Reply: 29
I thought this was a good one overall; I like how you incorporated the decision which has been lacking from a few I’ve read.

I can’t really go too much into this one though, fairly simple – well told story if not maybe a tad dialogue heavy but I expected that from a lot of these scripts.

If I’m being honest, although I found the dialogue quite humorous and genuine at times. It was still a drag to get through and I’ve never been that much into slang like this so maybe it’s down to my personal taste.

The writing was competent, I thought there was a few issues early on but these are easy fixable.  This is one of the stronger entries which meets most of the requirements – good job.

Congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve
Posted by: RayW, October 26th, 2012, 1:52pm; Reply: 30
* * * * This is the submission I would most likely pursue production of. * * * *

One of God's Special Children by - Hurricane Wilma battered the Florida Keys in October, 2005.  On a lonely Key, a young woman must make a decision that could affect the entire world.
Brief - Polar entities plea to a young woman to choose a path for her unholy unborn child.

Locations & Sets  -  Exterior, motel @ night. Interior, motel office @ night.
Actors  -  KIMMIE MAY (24), LEW (35), MICHAEL (60),
Costumes  -  Lew’s nice outfit, beach bum outfit
Props  -  under clothes term pregnancy prosthesis, cell phone, radio, cross on necklace, pint of small mm diameter pearlized beads, shoulder length hair wig, headstone
Audio FX  -  newscaster over radio V.O.,
Visual FX  -  lightning flash, dancing fire in Lew’s eyes, floating bead, flash of electricity effect
Other  - nighttime rain effects across office window, public domain music, shop fan, headstone apparition
Genre & Marketability - supernatural drama
Comments  -  Don’t include copyrighted music in your micro-budget short. I’ve seen others take issue with the dialects; I don’t. They convey the demeanors of the characters and will likely be free-styled on set anyway to something... close enough to get the story’s points across. It’s fine. In fact, reference the dialog in another entry “House” as evidence that people of different cultures speak different than whitey-crackers, such as myself. Turn off your screenplay software’s mores and continueds feature. The CGI effects for the beads to headstone is just going to be not worth the effort - ditch it. Excellent use of mostly one location. Excellent story and dialog. I very much like this. Script format: fine (just turn off... yeah. that). Final word: this story is definitely worth producing.

$1,000 - $2,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 9.1 Screenplay Pages
= $  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - yep
take refuge from a hurricane - eh, not really
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice - yep, for Kimmie May
between good or evil - yep
in order to survive the night. - not really
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep
that factors into their choice. - yep
Genre is open. - supernatural drama
This is a micro-budget short, - yep
so no destruction of the motel, - yep
no children or animals - yep
and minimal special effects. - yep
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - nope
dinosaur(s) - nope

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit
Posted by: Felipe, October 26th, 2012, 5:23pm; Reply: 31
Kimmie May's dialogue actually began to bother me on page 2. I know that some people out there talk like this, but it would be distracting in real life just as it is distracting in the script. Not to mention I think it is way overdone at times... "Bigger than you ever did sees me."

I've lived in the south and I don't remember anyone talking like that.

The problem with telling me Lew looks like Denzel in his heyday is that I now picture Denzel playing the part. I'm not saying Denzel doesn't fit the part, but you're definitely not getting Denzel to do this movie and I am likely to be disappointed.

In the end, I just didn't see Kimmie having to make a decision. Lew just disappeared after she was shown the headstone. I guess you can argue that it was made in her head, but she didn't say anything. Michael just ended up taking her.

I morphed the story into an animation because Lew started to remind me of the bad guy from The Princess and the Frog.

The writing was clear and I really like how Kimmie becomes a Christ-like saviour when she sacrifices herself to make sure Satan's child isn't born, but in the end the way it played out didn't work for me.

I'm not sure the visual effects with the water would be very cheap to make either, so I'm not sure how Raw made his calculations. And just the purchase of the rights to those two songs would already blow the budget he guesstimated, so I'll disagree with him there.

You're a very good writer, though. This was by no means a bad entry. There were just things that turned me off from it. Definitely things that can be fixed.

As some have mentioned, I couldn't tell if you were going for a comedy or a religious story. It might help if you lean more one way or the other.

Congrats on finishing!
Posted by: RJ, October 26th, 2012, 6:45pm; Reply: 32
An easy read, interesting and the one that most met the requirements, IMO.

Good job.
Posted by: leitskev, October 27th, 2012, 10:28am; Reply: 33
Very strong writing, especially for an OWC. The author possibly gives himself away to SS regulars with "shockingly" and "for reals", but you'd have to be a regular here to recognize it.

It's very good work, and I can only think of two areas where it might be strengthened.

First, we don't get much of a sense of Kimmie Mae. She's black and grew up poor, we get that from her dialogue. But beyond that we don't get much sense of her. Admittedly, that's hard to do in a short. But the drama here is built entirely around her choice, which is good. That's where the stakes are. If we have a better sense of Kimmie, it will make those stakes more pronounced.

The writer might be constrained by the crazy number of parameters in this OWC. Every time I try to think of ways to show Kimmie's character through some small action, I feel the need to bring in more characters. And yet they would all have to have a supernatural history I suppose?

The only other thing I can think to make us feel more for Kimmie is to show her desperate to survive, desperate for her baby to survive. Again, hard in a short. But if it could somehow be done where we saw her in danger from the storm, and taking strong action to survive, she will gain our sympathy more, so when the time comes to choose, we will ourselves be emotionally invested in the choice. Just an idea.

The second thing I would consider improving is the time of choosing. The choice is good: go to Satan and live with your child beyond the reach of poverty; or go to God but die with your child.

It's a difficult choice for her. That's why Lew is handsome and cool, and Michael looks like a bum. All well done to make the choice hard. How will she choose?

And then she decides based on some drawing in the air created by Michael, of her tombstone. That's weak. I think the writer was up against the deadline and that's all he had time to come up with. If this is rewritten so that something else influences the choice, it will work very, very well.

For example, maybe Michael shows a vision of what her son will become, a minion of Satan. Maybe she sees her son will be just like Lew, and now that she sees Lew for what he is, she chooses God's side.

It's excellent OWC work, could be improved on rewrite.
Posted by: B.C., October 27th, 2012, 5:30pm; Reply: 34
Denzel's no longer in his prime?  For reals? :)

Some fun stuff here. It took me a while to grasp the playful nature of it, actually. But by the end I liked it.  It did remind of a skit on the antagonists we find in the TV show 'Supernatural' (as well as the soft rock Scorpion nod) but that fits the challenge nicely.  

There's a lot of 'motherfuckin' swearing going on from the Angel and Demon, and I think that when proofreading cutting back on that is nearly as important sorting out typos and clunky action description, but I know first draft and rushing for deadline can hinder that. Good work all in all, though.  
Posted by: Abe from LA, October 27th, 2012, 8:13pm; Reply: 35
Overall, this was very well written.  However, I didn't always like what I was reading.
I grew tired of Kimmie May's voice, so maybe she was talking too much early on.  The accent wore me down as the pages turned.

The concept I enjoyed. Having the two male characters come to her at this desperate time gave some sense of urgency. By the same token, it didn't feel as urgent as it could have. I guess Kimmie May is stranded in this hotel, with the main road out of town closed, but the way she was talking on the cell phone seemed too casual.
I wondered who she was talking to...

And the woman's voice on the radio seemed calmer than I'd like.  Strange, but it made me think of Tokyo Rose.

Kimmie says she "broke water," so I wanted more concern.
How about opening the story in a motel room, with the baby on its way.  I wanted to feel she was abandoned. Maybe the radio goes dead and she loses her phone connection. This would heighten the conflict of her choice.  

When Lew and Michael come to Kimmie, I preferred that their identities be more ambiguous.  That it is was Kimmie who proactively identified the good from the evil.

I would dispense with the F bombs.  They were so jarring.  The final decision, I think, would be more enticing if neither man gave away so much information. Let Kimmie's faith guide her to ask the right questions and see the clues as to who she would trust.

But, on such a tight deadline, there is just so much that could be accomplished.  Kudos for a nice story that while isn't my favorite, is at the top of my list.  Well done.
Posted by: Leon, October 28th, 2012, 2:34am; Reply: 36
When I first read this I stopped early on, I found the dialogue unnatural and over the top, but reading this again as more of a colourful cartoony comedy I got on much better.

Haven't got a lot to add.  Wouldn't Kimmie May have recognised Lew if he was the father of her child.

Other than that, this was really good, one of the top ones.  I think so far I have only found 'The ledger' and this script immersive enough to forget I was even reading a script.

Well done.
Posted by: alffy, October 28th, 2012, 11:08am; Reply: 37
I thought this was okay.  

The dialogue was a bit annoying at times but it at least gave it a unique feel.  It was pretty well written too.

If Kimmie's water broke, wouldn't she be in more of a panic?

Some good v's evil stuff and a bit of tongue in cheek comedy, or at least I hope it's suppose to be?

Overall, a good effort and one of the best I've read so far.
Posted by: Ledbetter (Guest), October 28th, 2012, 2:49pm; Reply: 38
I haven't really had a chance to read many scripts due to a very heavy work load this past week, but I saw this one rising to the top and figured to give it a readsy...

It was worth the time. A very quick, clean read.

Like several other's mentioned, Kimmie dragged on my a bit after a while but a great effort for an OWC none the less.

I'm with RAYW when he gave his endorsement. I could see this one being made as well.

Great job!

Shawn.....><
Posted by: Grandma Bear, October 28th, 2012, 3:41pm; Reply: 39
Page 1. Usually people around here referred to that road as either A1A or US1. I could be wrong, but I don't think I have ever heard anyone call it 1A.

I am assuming that this must be a comedy because Kimmy sounds really stupid. If they are evacuating the keys and she is still very sitting in an attempt the motel that is pretty stupid on its own, but she also says, I think I already broke water. She doesn't know?

I am on page 4, right about now I am getting a little annoyed with Kimmie's dialogue. It doesn't quite sound like southern black people if you know what I mean…

Page 6. Nice work in making Kimmie making the decision who to go with.

Page 8. I can't help but picturing Samuel L Jackson as Lew.

I like how those shimmering beads came together to form a flat screen.

Just finished your script. I also took a quick peek at some of the previous comments and I seem to be alone in not loving this script. Even though you did have this take place at a motel and you had the supernatural part and the choice between good and evil, it still fell short in my opinion. And why did this have to take place in 2005? Lew was my favorite of the characters and I like his dialogue a lot more than I did Kimmie's. If this was a film, I think it would plate out more like a skit rather than a story. Although I did like the shimmering beads and Lew's little jigs, there really wasn't much of interest here visually. If this is your script Stevie, I'm sorry I wasn't "blown away" by it, but I hope you appreciate my honesty.
Posted by: Oney.Mendoza, October 29th, 2012, 12:52pm; Reply: 40
There was something very distinctive about the very first page that made me guess who the writer was lol… but regardless, this was easily one of my favorites.

I found Kimmie May to be very likeable. I could picture her delivering her dialogue with her strong accent and I constantly just smiled when I read her lines. I was enthralled by her character.

Thought your descriptions were great – bulbous stomach, eyes look like saucers, etc.

I found Lew’s insane tap dancing such an odd thing to throw in but it worked and I’d imagine people would find this either distracting or a hilarious trait – I found it the latter with a touch of haunting, especially since I’m picturing it with his long fingers and such.

I liked Kimmie May’s moral decision she faced and how she was torn between her faith but there were a few lines that seemed repetitive. But, it’s all good.

Overall, I had fun with this. Easy, entertaining, smooth read. Definitely recommended to those who haven’t checked it out yet.
Posted by: dogglebe (Guest), October 30th, 2012, 4:22pm; Reply: 41
This one just fell flat for me.  Maybe I'm suffering from OWC burnout now; I'm not sure.

I found Kimmie's character to be a little stereotypical, Lew's as well.  Throw Michael in the mix and you have three flat characters that I lost interest in a while ago.  They weren't really developed.  And if the reader doesn't care about the character, he doesn't care what happenes to the character.

The ending seemed very anti-climactic.  She makes her decision and everyone agrees to it.  Lew should've made one last desperate show of bravado.

There was a formatting problem on page five:


Quoted Text
    KIMMIE (on phone)
OH...MY...GOD...
(beat)
You said you'd call, you two timin'
charlatan! You leave me knocked up
in this God forsaken Hell hole for
nine months and think you can just
waltz your damn fine ass in here, do
a quick tap dance and have me runnin'
into your arms?
(beat)
For reals?


I don't think that you fully understand how to use (beat) in dialog.  It's meant to show pause before a character speaks.  If you need to show pause in the middle of dialog, you should use the ellipses (...) to show the pauses.  I'm not sure how you meant to use them when Kimmie said 'Oh...My...God.'

Hope this helps.


Phil
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), October 30th, 2012, 5:19pm; Reply: 42

Quoted from dogglebe
I don't think that you fully understand how to use (beat) in dialog.  It's meant to show pause before a character speaks.  If you need to show pause in the middle of dialog, you should use the ellipses (...) to show the pauses.  I'm not sure how you meant to use them when Kimmie said 'Oh...My...God.'Phil


Phil, I'm going to have to disagree with your comments above...and I know we've had such conversations before.

The ellipses in dialogue shows a slight pause in speech, as if one is fumbling for the correct thing to say, or thinking mid sentence, how to continue.  It can also be used (as in your example above) to "exaggerate" what's being said, by slowing down the delivery of the phrase or words.

The beat shows more than just a pause and is used in one way phone conversations, where the character onscreen is listening, but we're not hearing what's being said.

I think this discussion actually came up in a past OWC, where you incorrectly used beats in dialogue before your characters spoke, which makes zero sense.

Not wanting to have a go with you, but i have to speak up when I see something like this.
Posted by: Felipe, October 30th, 2012, 5:42pm; Reply: 43
It doesn't make much sense to me having a (beat) before the dialogue even starts. If the character is going to take a beat before speaking, it should be done in the action line. IMO
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), October 30th, 2012, 5:47pm; Reply: 44

Quoted from Felipe
It doesn't make much sense to me having a (beat) before the dialogue even starts. If the character is going to take a beat before speaking, it should be done in the action line. IMO


Exactly, Felipe.  It doesn't make a lick of sense.
Posted by: leitskev, October 30th, 2012, 5:52pm; Reply: 45
Jeff, was I right in my guess that you ran out of time at the end and rushed the ending?
Posted by: dogglebe (Guest), October 30th, 2012, 5:52pm; Reply: 46
Felipe, a (beat) is a dialog direction and not an acting direction.  That's why it belongs with the dialog.

If you wanted to have a really long, awkward pause between a party (where everyone looks at each other), then you can probably get away with putting it as a direction.


Phil
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), October 30th, 2012, 6:03pm; Reply: 47
Actually, no, Kev.  I didn't run out of time.

The other scenarios I ran through didn't flow well, and my thinking was the "vision" of her headstone made it clear that she was indeed one of God's special children, and it was a forgone conclusion that she would give her life for humanity.

Plus, I need to use my shimmering beads, otherwise they'd be nothing more than a cheap (or maybe expensive) prop.
Posted by: Pale Yellow, October 31st, 2012, 8:02am; Reply: 48
I voted for this one. I liked the dialogue in it bestest.

Good Job Jeff!
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), October 31st, 2012, 9:35pm; Reply: 49
Hey everyone, thanks for the reads, reviews, and votes.  It's much appreciated and I truly mean that.

I almost wasn't gong to enter this as I just didn't really like it...but Kimmie May's character started growing on me and I definitely liked Big Lew (as he was originally named).

I actually started thinking about this challenge early, as opposed to the usual last minute, as I knew I was busy all day Friday and better get it punched out by Wednesday, so I could edit it a few times Thursday.

Apologies to my mate Stevie, as I really tried to incriminate him as being the writer.  I'm quite sure he'll get me back some way, but hopefully he knows it was all in good fun.

I knew damn well that Kimmie May would be polarizing with her dialogue, but the more I looked at her and what she said...and how she said it, I actually came to really like her.

There was originally some backstory to why she was still there, but I decided that it was dragging early on, and I wanted her there stranded anyways, so why fuck with it?  I chopped it out and this is what was left.

Glad some of you enjoyed this.  That makes me happy...seriously.  Sorry others didn't like it, but again, I'm always going to present something that will be polarizing and hopefully, that alone will make it stand out and be somewhat memorable and unique.

If anyone wants more info on what I wrote for your scripts, just PM me and I'll take another look.

Thanks again.  Good OWC.

"Happy, happy Halloween, Halloween, Halloween.  Happy, happy Halloween, Silver Shamrock!"

Name that movie!!!!!
Posted by: Grandma Bear, October 31st, 2012, 9:43pm; Reply: 50
Big Lew. Would that be Big Loo in British?
I hope you will read and comment on my script!
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), October 31st, 2012, 9:55pm; Reply: 51

Quoted from Grandma Bear
Big Lew. Would that be Big Loo in British?
I hope you will read and comment on my script!


Skip to my Loo!!!!

You know I will Mistress.  I actually didn't believe you when you said you hadn't entered a script.

Anything involving mimes, puppets, and/or ventriloquists will get a read from me every time!   ;D ;D ;D  Bring it...or send it to me now.
Posted by: DanBall, November 2nd, 2012, 3:35pm; Reply: 52
I liked the clarity and I liked that it wasn't some cynical commentary on Christianity, despite the heavy religious element. Kimmie May's dialogue definitely conveyed who she was and it was relatable. It wasn't too slow of a read, but it wasn't really fast, either. I kept reading not really because I wanted to know what happened to our girl Kimmie, but because I wanted to give a fair and informed review.

The whole 'shimmering bead' element confused me. At first, I just thought it was water from the storm blowing around in the air, but then you used it as some supernatural thing for the tombstone.

At first, I was confused by the whole office thing. I didn't really get that Kimmie was the manager or whatever. Maybe she should wear a uniform or nametag? You did say she was behind the counter, so maybe I should just learn to read. :P Also, the "shimmering beads" threw me for a loop too. I thought you were just describing the water, not supernatural happenings. One problem I have with a lot of these descriptions in everyone's scripts is that I can't tell hyperbole from a literal occurrence of something.

As for Kimmie's choice, I kind of like how she already made it before it came time to choose. That was some nice planning.

Overall, this wasn't something I enjoyed, just because I'm not into religious/supernatural stories. Or just supernatural thrillers, in general. But it was good for what it was.
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), November 2nd, 2012, 6:32pm; Reply: 53

Quoted from DanBall

The whole 'shimmering bead' element confused me. At first, I just thought it was water from the storm blowing around in the air, but then you used it as some supernatural thing for the tombstone.

Also, the "shimmering beads" threw me for a loop too. I thought you were just describing the water, not supernatural happenings. One problem I have with a lot of these descriptions in everyone's scripts is that I can't tell hyperbole from a literal occurrence of something.


Hey Dan, thanks for the read and feedback.  I appreciate it.

Something I always recommend and something I always do is to read exactly what the script says and not "read" anything into it.

Most peeps seem to almost browse instead of really reading, which leads to 2 things that a reader shouldn't do.

1)  Miss things, including both important information and/or visuals, and mistakes.  It always amazes me when someone says how well a script was written, when I know damn well it's actually the opposite.

2)  Assume things/read into things, which covers both what they feel may be a mistake, so they pretend it's not there and go ahead, and also just filling in assumptions where they feel they can or should.

A great example is Felipe's OWC, Now Lie In It.  I think I may have been the only one to bring up that his main character was buttass naked the entire script, because Felipe forgot to mention that he put clothes on.  The casual reader just assumed he must have clothes on now because it wouldn't make much sense for him to be parading around nude the entire time...but...you can't do that.  You need to read the script as it's written.

As for my shimmering beads, I don't personally see how anyone could confuse them with raindrops.  And to make sure no one did, i purposely wrote several descriptions of them covering the entire floor, then dancing in the air, which raindrops obviously would never do.

Just trying to help out, bro, not trying to be a dick.  Hope you understand.

Thanks again for reading.

Posted by: Grandma Bear, November 2nd, 2012, 8:21pm; Reply: 54

Quoted from Dreamscale

A great example is Felipe's OWC, Now Lie In It.  I think I may have been the only one to bring up that his main character was buttass naked the entire script, because Felipe forgot to mention that he put clothes on.  The casual reader just assumed he must have clothes on now because it wouldn't make much sense for him to be parading around nude the entire time...but...you can't do that.  You need to read the script as it's written.

Jeff, that is such a minor technicality that it doesn't even matter. It is clear to the reader that his nudeness has nothing to do with the story!

Since I was looking at these scripts as possible stories to produce, I can tell you that I totally overlooked his nakedness due to it having noting to do with the story. I liked his story for the story. NOT his state of undress!  ;)

Cheers!! :)
Print page generated: March 28th, 2024, 6:51am