Johnny by Anonymous Harry - Short -  On the brink of insanity, Johnny makes a life altering decision.  - pdf, format 8)

For a dialogue heavy script, I liked this one.

The two guys did seem a bit immature for their ages...and they weren't extremely interesting....but this was an enjoyable read.

Good job.

Yeah, this isn't too bad.  I kinda like it...well, I was liking it, but it went on a little long and for me, it lost its power with the visions thingy, which, IMO, is also breaking outside the challenge requirements.

Couple things to help...

You often use lines like, "The sound...is heard." - Stay away from things like that.  It's really the exact same thing as "We see..."

When you use a name or anything being used as a name, in dialogue, you almost always will have to set it off with a comma(s).

Your dialogue was strong at times, and weak at others.  There are some lines that don't sound at all natural, while others are very on the nose.

I think a number of OWC rewquirements are busted or missed here, but overall, it's definitely one of the better entries.  Good job.

I can't say the dialogue was doing it for me, but the story worked well enough. For some reason, I felt this story had the same vibe as the "The Pool Guy" episode of "The Twilight Zone".

Anyway, I agree that the characters didn't sound their age, but I liked the flashbacks without actually flashing back. That was good stuff but I don't feel it had a resolution. I mean, sure, we get the idea he killed Tommy, but we never find out if the Woman was telling the truth. I, personally, think it would be better if she were lying. Of course, that may just be me and my enjoyment of unhappy endings.

B.

I was entertained by the story in this one.

Good and not so good dialogue and writing in general.

The only thing was that the ending was a bit of an anti-climax for me, I really thought something more was going to happen.

Mr Blonde's suggestion of her perhaps lying is a good one.
It just needed some sort of twist. But not bad at all.

Simple, yet effective.

I think if we picked this apart there are a few issues, e.g. the OLD MAN is not introduced but i liked the way it flowed. One to fine tune.

Should be simple to be produced, effectively one room and a few actors.

The sinking ship was an interesting idea but i would careful with involving things that are quite different, but i think it added. Also, if the woman did have children, then why wouldn't she mentioned them to Johnny, in terms of what he's done.

The exposition through the TV is needed but again be careful on how this is done. i think you could have cut straight to a headline of two men wanted for killing at failed robbery etc

For a sense of irony, you could get tommy holding medication for johnny as he dies, leaving us with a question of whether he is ill or not etc

all the best

I tried to get into this, but it didn't do much for me. Quite a number of typs (women for woman, for example0 and characters who say 'Nooooooooooo!" - I mean, when i see stuff like that where a character 'speaks' like that? It turns me off and tunes me out.
The dialog itself was unven as well.

On the bright side, it can be filmed on  the cheap and be effective.
Congats on entering OWC

I really liked this.  Great idea for this challenge.  Good portrait of a man losing his mind.  I liked the ending although I thought it was abrupt.  Like maybe after he shoots his brother they should have convinced him to kill himself.  

"Tommy! Can you hear me!" -- am I the only one who sang this line?  LOL.  Sorry, I'm a WHO fan.

GREAT job on this difficult OWC.

This is a great story. You kept me glued to the screen.

You made me wonder if Johnny really did smth in the past or he's just going insane but I don't mind. Really liked the build up and the story. Thinking he's just going insane for no reason - that's a good analysis of the way it may happen. Very chilling.

Opening sentence/paragraph read awkwardly, but maybe that's just me.

First dialogue... "I have a bad feeling about this" is a mostly cliched line that I'd avoid.

Some on-the-nose lines here and there.

Typo: "The wind alone we’ll force us off the road..." will, not we'll.

The names "Tommy" and "Johnny" are similar enough to mix up, so I'd consider changing one of them.

Overall this was good, could definitely be filmed on a low budget.

Good job finishing the OWC.

The ranting of "Kill Tommy" was chilling. It felt like a bunch of kids using peer pressure to get another kid to do something he doesn't want to. Made me wonder if this was just in his head or was this really happening.

Good job. Bonus points for being one location literally in just one room.

I quite liked this one, although it's not the best I've read for this OWC. It'd be quite interesting to see this one on film. I was looking at it from a director's perspective and it's not an easy ask. The movement would be quite hard to do right, so kudos for that.

The writing, for me felt a little rushed, which is understandable for a OWC. There are a few typos that pop up every now and then, but no big deal.

I'm not sure about that opening slug. Wouldn't say it's wrong but to say "DARK" instead of "NIGHT" rings a little weird to me.

I'd suggest avoiding a frequent use of parentheticals. You use them quite often in this script to show emotion, facial feature, that sort of thing. Leave it to the actors to decide. Don't direct too much with your narrative.

Dialogue gets a little awkward at times. As Jeff said, you have these moments where it's really strong, then the dialogue that had me cringing. Have a read-through. Check how the lines sound out loud :)

The names Johnny and Tommy got a little confusing for me.

Otherwise, good job. One of my favourites so far.

Congrats on finishing the OWC.

Dan

This had some good things going for it.  A breeze to read, loved the usage of the spotlights - very inventive of how to integrate another setting into the room without actually breaking one of the challenge requirements.  Also liked the part with the ship picture - that would be a very cool scene if filmed.

The woman's dialogue was strange and almost comical at times which I don't think is what you were going for.  I guess that makes her odd and interesting, but at the same time I think it threw off the atmosphere.  Also Tommy coming out of the bathroom asking what Johnny was screaming about was pointless - Tommy should already know what he's screaming about based on their opening conversation about hallucinations and stuff.

Overall I liked this.  

Nice job.

Greg

You had an interesting way of getting exposition out of the way with the news anchor and the victims being shot. I'm not sure it would translate well on the screen, but I like that you tried something different.

I wasn't a big fan of the woman, but it was cool to see how she convinced him to kill his brother. Overall an enjoyable and easy read.

Good job!

This one had its moments.  Fairly boring first three pages.  Not much happened, and the description of the motel and the action could've been handled better.  I'm personally against ever having a character yell "Noooooo!"  No matter how tense the situation, that's always going to read comical.

I liked the inventive use of the news reporter and victims appearing in front of Johnny.  It's almost like this ghost is giving a spectral Powerpoint presentation.  The image of the painting of the ship rocking back and forth and spilling water had me laughing.  I thought, "God, I really don't hope the writer thought this was scary."  But then the ghost says she threw that line in for fun.  It was a clever line, but I also think it disrupted the tone of the piece.  Very hard to be frightened after a ghost does something like that.

I think you could have used that last page to clarify for us whether this was really happening or all in Johnny's head.  I personally think it would be a sick climax if all of this was a hallucination, and there was no bank robbery at all.  Tommy is completely innocent, and backs away as Johnny approaches with the knife, with the chorus of imaginary victims screaming for Tommy to kill.

I think you nailed the micro budget aspect and with a rewrite this could make a cool little film.

An awful lot of kill tommys in there. There was a decision, but not to survive the night. There was also super natural back story, so points there.

I think the kill Tommy wager could've happened earlier in the script and been more of a driving factor. This thing didn't take off until that proposition was made IMO.

Definitely not bad, though.

Good job entering the OWC.

James

This wasn't bad, but the dialogue and descriptions definitely need some work.

I would have liked it if you had given more hints to Johnny being mentally unstable - this would have left us with the question as to whether Johnny was really being haunted, or if it was all in his head.

I like the way you handled the flashbacks without taking us out of the motel room - very clever.

Towards the end I was a little confused - Tommy is sat before Johnny, the room suddenly goes dark, we hear shuffling feet, then the room lights up and Johnny is stood in the corner with a gun. That whole sequence felt poorly written and just didn't really make much sense to me.

I also think the very end seems pretty anti-climatic. It would have been better if we saw him kill Tommy. Then instead of doing as she'd promised and leaving him alone, the woman is still there. Maybe the woman and old man could start chanting "Kill Johnny, Kill Johnny", goading him to kill himself.

Taking refuge from a hurricane in a beat-up motel?
Check.

Odd but interesting character(s)?
Check. Mentally unstable robber haunted by his actions.

Choosing between good & evil to survive the night?
Fail. Johnny wan't really faced with a choice of good or evil that would lead to his survival, but more of a dilemma as to whether he should do as he is told by the ghost.

Past supernatural event?
Check. Ongoing haunting by a previous victim.

Micro budget?
Fail. Far too many special effects used (especially the leaking painting) to be anywhere near micro-budget.

Congratulations on completing the OWC.

A bit hit and miss this one.  I loved the visual flashbacks and the painting coming to life but I didn't buy Johnny's mental breakdown.  Also I didn't get why Tommy didn't hear the gunshots fired by Johnny at the woman.

The Woman clicked her fingers and the room went dark but the slug stated the room was already dark?

Not a bad effort though.

Very simple, very to the point.  An easy read.  It didn't blow my mind, but I got through it well enough.  Good job finishing the OWC.

This has a lot going for it, the fact that you've kept it to a one room location and still managed to throw in some flashbacks and keep in line with the parameters is good work. Well done.

I like the story in general about someone seeing ghosts or hallucinating over a past traumatic event which he feels guilty over. I do wonder why they didn't mention anything about a bank robbery near the beginning though, the gun just suddenly appeared from Johnny's sock. Maybe if Tommy said along the lines of he's going to get Johnny some help but they have to wait until the heat dies down - an indication of the robbery.

But, thinking about it. If this was just a hallucination then that means the gun, robbery and everything might not have even happened. That would make the death of Tommy pretty harrowing, especially if you could reveal that none of that happened after his death.

So I like the story, but...

For some reason, I just couldn't get into this one and I'm going to put it down to the writing and dialogue.

This line "Noooooo!" really isn't good and I didn't care for all the "kill tommy" stuff either. In fact, do a ctrl-f on the name Tommy and see how many times it is used in this one, it was a lot especially when you consider he didn't speak for a long portion of the script. The dialogue on the whole wasn't doing it for me here, Johnny came off like a 15 year old about ready to suck his thumb - maybe I'm overlooking his mental state which contributed to this.

The writing wasn't bad but it was basic, needs some jazzing up for me. And why the first slug had "dark" instead of night is criminal - well, maybe not that bad but I didn't care for it.

I would also like to add that some things in the story seemed to happen like magic, this for instance: "The room goes dark. Sounds of feet shuffling. The light comes back on." Who turned the light on and off? I have to admit that I immediately thought of that pesky little doll "Mr. Marbles" from Seinfeld with the feet shuffling in the dark line. ;D It gave me a chuckle anyway.

It has potential and is a very fine effort in what is a difficult challenge.

Congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve

Hit and miss, perhaps because it was rushed. Feels that way to me, like it was written by a skilled writer but didn't get the polish it needs.

The exposition was handled very well, I'm impressed. Lots of back story woven in, and an interesting use of flashbacks (not really flashbacks, more like spotlights in the present showing bits of the past). The dialogue was in and out of the cheese-zone, at times believable and at others just plain bad.

The ending is what killed this. Sure, it's predictable, and that would have been okay if it was also satisfying, but it isn't. Tommy wasn't innocent, so his death has little meaning. If Tommy were just a loving brother and had nothing at all to do with the bank robbery or the killings, that would have been tragic. Or if Johnny had killed himself instead, deciding to spare his brother even though Tommy might really be the true guilty party, that would have had meaning.

Not bad, could be pretty darn good with a rewrite.

Not a bad OWC.. It read pretty easily.

Not exactly microbudget, actual apparitions, bullets shooting through her and the tilting water out of the painting.

It was straight to the point... With the KILL TOMMY...

Good JOb

Mark

Don't understand this 'He nervously strokes his thick beard that doesn’t hide his
boyish looks.' Awkward and confusing phrasing.

A huge chunk of the dialouge between Tommy and Johnny could easily be cut and the story would be so much better for it. A lot of it is very stilted and on the nose. All we need is hint at they have done something and Johnny has visions. Two lines each would suffice for that.

'He stands face to the door and closes his eyes.'

Might want to reword that. I think what you mean is that this would be two separate shots, he walk to the door and then with the camera at the door so his eyes are seen closing, but you need to make that clear in your description.

Creative device with the News Reporter used to SHOW what happened. This is yet another reason for cutting most of the  preceding dialouge.

Disappointed you didn't  do more with the ship, as the imagery from before was a nice reflection of the character in turmoil. The womans comment about it being just for fun undermined its use.

There needed to be much more conflict between Tommy and Johnny. The decision was far too simple in the end. A good effort with a nice creative spark. With some work this could be very good.

Tommy can you hear me?  Tommy. Tommy.

This wasn't bad for this OWC.  I think some of the dialogue was a bit on the nose.  I'm not sure about the spotlights because it kind of gave it the feel of a stageplay for me - not to mention a specific lighting need to drain the budget.   And then there was that self-admitted superfluous effect  thrown in for yucks.

And the story, while there, wasn't enough to emotionally invest us in the characters.

So overall, I think this needed a bit more to it to be effective - but you did a good job in the time allowed.    

I'm a little confused as to whether the bank robbery took place only in Johnny's mind, or if they did occur and supernatural elements are pushing him toward insanity.

The read was a breeze and I much liked the way you introduced the news reporter and the shootings.  I did not like that little side trip to the sinking ship.  That took me out of the mood.

It seems the ending could have been handled more effectively.  I'm unclear as to why Tommy would off the woman and the old man.  Maybe Johnny could demand an answer to the killing, so I could determine if Tommy is a cold-blooded killer.   If so, then I would know how to feel at the end of the story.

Also, not so sure that Tommy pulled the trigger. The way it is written leaves it ambiguous as to the killer. I'm assuming it's Tommy.

Anyway, I liked the breezy flow of the story. Was so-so on the dialogue, and no fan of the rants. Kudos on the inventiveness of bringing in the back story.  Overall, I enjoyed the read and think you have enough here to work on the bugs and move it forward.  Congrats on participating in the OWC.

Rough, but has potential.

Nice summary from Ryan that I agree with re: the imaginative use of the 'reporter' and victims. Very visual and would play out better on screen than it does in a hastily written one weeker. You should do more to cultivate the dynamic between Tommy and Johnny. I'd envisage something of an Of Mice and Men element to their relationship.

I'm guessing you're not English with your spelling of ageing but you did use "windowsill", so I'm assuming an Aussie. Irrelevant, but I always like the little details.

Liked this. Thought it made good use of the requirements and was an interesting story. I liked the ending; over blackness then the gunshot, topped it off nicely.

Good Job.

Johnny by -  On the brink of insanity, Johnny makes a life altering decision.
Brief - A brother’s guilty conscious manifests as a tormenting victim seeking penance.

Locations & Sets  -  Interior, motel room @ night
Actors  -  JOHNNY, 20’s, TOMMY, 30’s, Woman (20?), News reporter(??), Old man
Costumes  -  red dress, reporter attire
Props  -  live cockroach + container, ship at sea painting + frame, handgun + ankle holster, corded microphone, liquid stage blood
Audio FX  -  door knob rattles + door pounds, gun shot, people screaming, wallpaper tear, sailor voice over, feet shuffling
Visual FX  - gun flashes, smoke, bullet holes in wall/ceiling
Other  - will likely have to wallpaper two walls of the room, picture hanging hooks, drywall patch repair, stunt pads for fall, spotlight, plastic drop sheet to protect room carpet, discarded carpet, controlled tear in the wallpaper will likely have to be done on a separate drywall rig, water pouring out of painting effect
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural horror thriller
Comments  -  Handgun isn’t going to stay “tucked in a sock.” News reporter in spotlight is pretty corny. Story of guilt and penance is fair but missable. Characters are neither odd nor interesting. Very good use of a single location. Script format: fine. Final word: story is done to death missable

$2,000 - $3,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 10.0 Screenplay Pages
= $200 - $300  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - nope
take refuge from a hurricane - yep
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice - yep
between good or evil - implied, but yep
in order to survive the night. - sorta, she was otherwise going to just torment him forever
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep
that factors into their choice. - yep
Genre is open. - Supernatural horror thriller
This is a micro-budget short, - yep
so no destruction of the motel, - yep, but the carpet & drywall/wallpaper stuff adds a lot of cost
no children or animals - yep
and minimal special effects. - yep
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - nope
dinosaur(s) - nope

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit

Not bad.

I found a lot of the other submissions to be humorous but this, at times, I found it to be a little chilling. I could picture the ghostly images, flickering lights, the chanting, screaming, etc. – great imagery.

Dialogue was a little bland for my taste, none of it seemed forced and had a nice flow though.

Interesting read. Far from the worst.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read the script. It was my first and it had several issues across the board.

It was about two brothers Johnny and Tommy who unsuccessfully robbed a bank and killed two hostages during the process. The woman in red was one of the hostages killed who had been haunting Johnny ever since the robbery took place.

The part with the painting of the ship was bad execution on my part. It wasn't meant to be scary. Since I didn't talk about the actual hurricane happening outside the motel I figured I would try and get creative and show a ship in rough seas sailing through a hurricane, again it was bad execution.

I agree with Darren and Ryan in that the "Nooooo" line was cheesy and it will be removed on the rewrite. Also the dialogue was on the nose at times and the action lines needs to get cleaned up.

I got a lot of helpful notes from reviewers and will incorporate them into the rewrite.
Thanks again to everybody - Dirk

Hey Face, just read this. Overall, it met the requirements, but I thought it was pretty cheesy. As you've heard, "Nooooo!" was the cherry on top and the painting was the icing/whipped cream. :)

Maybe make your descriptions less descriptive and more atmospheric. By that, I mean you should try to change your few to descriptions to ones that set the tone, rather than just describing the action. The dialogue really added some cheese to it, for me, as well. It was all on-the-nose in my head.

You've got a good story, but I just think you need to work on how it's presented. Hopefully, a director will have some say in that eventually, but you should give them less to take credit for and make it good yourself. I know you're working on a rewrite, so I'm definitely interested to hear what you're going to do differently.

Thanks Dan-

Nooooooo! Totally agree on the cheese dialogue. It was my first attempt at writing and I got a little ahead of myself with the script. It wasn't until I started to get reviews on the script before I got what the rewviewer was saying about "On the nose dialogue" and how bad the ship painting was.

In my current rewrite I eliminated the ship painting and I'm working hard on the dialogue to make it sound more natural. I like your advice about less action but more "setting the tone" in the action lines. Will look to change more. I also changed the ending which I'm very happy with and hopefully the time I put into the rewrite will show.

I appreciate the review.

I think OTN dialogue is a habit that every writer is forced to break when they start out. I'm not sure how long it's taken me, if I've even completely broken free of it yet. For me, I always give some thought to how often people in real life don't say what they mean or beat around the bush at times.

Of course, fleshing characters out helps, too. No two people will be thinking about the exact same thing for the entire duration of a conversation--unless they're robots who were programmed that way. So what would those people say at certain times and how would they say it?

Harry, First I would create an EXT. scene at the beginning of the story like this example:

                           EXT. PARADISE MOTEL - DAY

                           Red lights illuminate around the edges of the words, Paradise
                           Motel.

                           It is raining cats and dogs.

I would then move into the INT. MOTEL and continue your original scene.

I would also insert a (V.O.)  when the Woman first appear behind Johnny on page 3, Instead of (O.S.) because she speaks in Johnny's Mind and Psychic tones.

Johnny, Your story is great. Two bank robbers who murder two victims, and then take refuge in a motel to ride out a storm, and nonetheless thier victims return back and haunt them.

It's a great Twilight short story.

Darryl

Hey Darryl,

Thanks for the feedback. This was my first script that I ever wrote. A one week challenge back in October. Since then I've been working on a rewrite along with some other projects but I will eventually repost the script when I'm finished. I appreciate you taking a look at the script and let me know if I can return the favor and read something of yours.

Dirk