Darkness by Anonymous Oscar - Short - A murderer refuses to follow his supernatural master's orders and leaves his victim to live, only to find himself as the new victim. - pdf, format 8)

Oh boy...

Well...uh...there's lots of problems going on here, but it ain't as bad as some, and you did attempt to craft some sort of story, so that's good.

Not sure I've ever read a scrpit that uses both "million" and "millionth".  Also, pretty sure I've never seen "sperm leftovers" used anywhere.

There's alot of really awkward phrasings going on and just downright odd or strange choices made by the writer.

For 4 1/2 pages, one of your 3 characters is called "Woman", even in her dialogue.  Then, she tells the other 2 that her name is actually Winter, so then, from here on out, she's referred to as Winter.  That's a big old rookie mistake.

Very whacky script here and sorry to say, not a very good one at that.  Good job entering, though.

When I saw the name "job" i was thinking here we go again... time to bust out my bible cliff notes. But it didn't go that route thankfully.

I didn't get the names though. I did get a laugh on page 9 when Darkness yells "Oh for f---- sake." I don't buy the ending where he shoots himself.

I don't know what to make of this one, to be honest. With your description of Darkness, all I could imagine was one of the Langoliers as the head of a human body (pretty cool image when I think about it).

I mean, he's Job's Tyler Durden but he can also manipulate Winter? I guess he's not Job's hallucination but more, as the name implies, the darkness in each of us?

Anyway, the story was a little messy and I don't know why the cops were even going to show up in the end or where Winter came from? Also, both of their deaths were extremely abrupt and I was surprised about how little attention was paid to them.

Needs work, but I think there could be something here if you dig a little deeper.

C-.

A WOMAN in her twenties, innocent looking, stands on her
knees in the middle of the room.


I have to admit, I chucked at this line right out of the gates…

Stands on her knees, that is.

Why didn’t you give her a name though?

You should have described DARKNESS some…

Leaving it ambiguous is just irritating IMO…

Um…Where did winter come from?

I’m not to sure where to go with this other than it seems metaphorical perhaps.

The story was written well enough but it did seem to grind on a bit with the back and forth. You got a sense early on, he was really just talking to himself, which made that room feel really small after awhile.

I can’t fault the writer for format, grammar etc…

It all looked fine.

I just didn’t get a feel for what the writer was really trying to get across.

Maybe it was the names and lack of them that threw me off…

Shawn…..><

This was a strange piece, I like some parts but hated more sorry to say.

Darkness' image was pretty rad, he reminds me of that Venom/Slender man combined. ;D

I felt that the writing was really rushed and it was hard to get into. A few too many uses of the double dash as well.

The story was confusing, I didn't really know what happened and what it meant? Darkness convinces people to find their inner-self and go murder others? I don't know if it was a metaphor for something else but I just didn't understand.

There was an attempt at a story here but it was really rushed. Things just happen because they were meant to happen. With a few more rewrites, I think you could have something but the story needs depth and focus.

My grade: D+ but take that lightly.

Good job on completing the OWC.

I didn't make it to the end of this one. I know the winner is getting the table read thing BUT I dislike so much dialogue and especially on the nose dialogue.

This one wasn't for me. Sorry.

Yeah, I didn't make it very far in this, either.

Some on the nose dialogue, and some awkward sentences here and there.

You should work on your action paragraphs, and spend time making sure you're doing them right. They seemed pretty rushed here.

Good job completing the OWC.

The idea of a debate effectively raging between two parties as to whether darkness, evil, etc will take over is well established and quite reliable, so not a bad idea for this OWC.

Alas this one didn't quite do it for me, but with changes maybe developed into an interesting easy to film short, that is if you can work out what darkness looks like because I couldn't!!

Best of luck.

Good idea, I'm also glad it didn't go the Bible route like so many of these OWCs have.  Still, it could be better.  I knew Darkness was going to turn her and do all sorts of evil things, and yeah, that happened.  There was just something that this script lacked... surprises, perhaps?  I don't quite know.  Maybe the ending just left me dissatisfied.

Page 1. More religious names. Lets see how this one will work out..

Page 3. I’m curious at this point why you decided not to give the woman a name...

Can the woman see Darkness?

Page 5. blood and sperm on the floor? How will an audience know it’s sperms? Why not say a used wet condom?

I’m on page 9 and I’m wondering if Winter can see Darkness now? If so, I must have missed when that change happened.

Finished. I have mixed feeling about this one. I like the idea of Darkness being with Job and urging him to kill and that no one else sees him and that when he fails to kill her, she turns on him. It needs work though and I wished that the dialogue had been deeper and not so repetitive. I also would have appreciated some backstory on all the characters.

Good job for one week.

Very odd.  But, not a bad idea for a short.  I liked how the supposedly innocent woman turned out to be the biggest psycho of all.  

Suffers from a lack of clarity and unnecessary description in places.  Dialogue was also weak in spots.  A rewrite would really strengthen this.

I think you could have been a little bit more imaginative with your choice of character names. WOMAN is a little bit bland.

Odd dialouge, like, 'You don’t deserve a word.'

From some of the awkward action description, like, 'The glass crackles', I'm guessing English isn't your first language. Even at that, you write better than I do :)

The weather conditions outside should be established earlier, used as part of the atmosphere.

The most stand out and truly bizzare line, for many reasons, both biological and action description, '. Some dried-up blood and sperm leftovers on the brown floor.' Okay . . .

Don't see where the fake vampire fangs belong in this story.

Ultimately, the story didn't make much sense to me.

I was trying to get past Job, Darkness and Woman(then Winter)... I'm sorry but I struggled through this one.... maybe the lack of real names didn't help...

The grammar and spelling were tight... But the story lacked for me

Good job on finishing

Mark

Ehhh.  The dialogue here is what mostly ruined it for me.  I get that Darkness is supposed to be...well, dark...but he goes back and forth from odd to serious and it didn't have a good balance or consistency, nor did Winter and Job's exchanges.

I was gonna say that Job slipping his rope was too convenient but I see that Darkness probably allowed it to see them fight.  Still, it felt a little anti-climactic.

Not a bad idea but could use some touching up.

Greg

JOB
That’s... one snowy name.

^groan.

pretty sure Winter is a juggalette in disguise.

felt mediocre overall. doesn't stand out by any means. this entry feels (and i hate to say it) but rather pointless.

but maybe the biggest problem is lack of character depth. we need some back story here. then again, that's awfully difficult to do given this OWC's constraints.

my advice? spice it up a bit!

congrats on completing a OWC

At least I now know where the "sperm leftovers" line came from in the other thread. That was probably one of the highlights from this one.

This could be a very promising idea but it's let down by nearly everything. Poor grammar, horrible dialogue, generic names and a lack of clarity. There were some funny things happening like Winter saying to Job that it was "nothing personal" but she didn't want to be in the same room as him - this directed at a person who was pointing a gun at here 10 seconds earlier.

I would also recommend making it clear that woman/winter can't see Darkness from the get-go. I was very confused in those opening pages but to be honest, I was pretty confused throughout this one.

However, I did like that Winter turned into Harley Quinn and went all psycho but it didn't lead anywhere. I think you need to give Job some background to help the reader feel for his predicament.

Good effort but in the need of a re-write, IMO.

Congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve

Interesting choice of names - almost like ou want to hint at something with them - couldn't get what though.

Dont know who these peole are. Theres a lot of talk about "killing her" but not a lot of actual story for me.

I never knew that names were that important but now I see that they are - think you should either explain them or change them.

I liked the idea of the story but the writing felt a bit rushed and we missed out on some things. Darkness telling Job to kill Winter was a nice but as stated above we didn't know who Winter was or where she came from. I believe a good rewrite would make this into a great story. Congrats on the OWC.

I'm in the camp that thinks this has some potential with some rewrites. For one, I sympathized with Job somehow. I got that he was a mean, old dude fighting personal demons and doing his best to keep them at bay. I got the idea that he could've easily killed Winter had he wanted to, but he didn't and he was fighting the urge to do so. Nice work, there.

I agree with others that the dialogue was a little awkward, weird, in-need-of-work, but it didn't annoy me like some others have. There was some strange phrasing of things, but nothing a rewrite couldn't help.

I was confused by some things. Was Winter actually a psychopath the whole time or did she become possessed by Darkness in the loo? She seems sane before the bathroom, but then she comes out of there a psycho. Maybe it was the sperm leftovers that drove her crazy? Who knows. Speaking of the WC, I'm not really sure I've seen a 'rusty' bathtub. I've seen tubs with rusty fixtures, but the tubs themselves are usually just mildewy, soap scummy, discolored, and made of porcelain or fiberglass.

The biggest point of confusion, by far, is the ending. I didn't understand Winter's line "Don't shoot, Job. You're not his murderer." I guess you meant it to communicate that Winter was telling Job that he wasn't Darkness's servant, but it's a bit unclear.

Also, Winter killed herself and no one called the cops. So how'd they know to come? Are they there to report or fix the broken window? Since you didn't set them up (and they wouldn't have responded that quickly, anyway), then they don't need to be there.

Without a victim's blood on his hands, no cops, and no Darkness to push him around anymore, Job's finally free. At this point, I got excited. Then he shot himself. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT???? The three letters I would've ended with, at that point, wouldn't have been "Fin", but "WTF." That's the worst ending ever. In fact, it's almost as bad as an ending I made in college for a school project. It was about a guy who got kicked out of the college dorms for being lazy and OD'd on sleeping pills or something. It looked and sounded cool, but that's it. Point is, don't kill off your protagonist via suicide at the end. Even if it's Brutus in an adaptation Julius Caesar, don't do it. It's lame, it's desperate and cheap. You're better than that and your audience--even if they're all jerks--don't deserve it.

Other than that, you do have some grammatical and formatting things to work on. So fix those and work out your story kinks and you've got a fine tale to tell...or show. 8)

Darkness by - A murderer refuses to follow his supernatural master's orders and leaves his victim to live, only to find himself as the new victim.
Brief -

Locations & Sets  - Interior, motel room @ night. Interior, motel bathroom. Interior, motel room @ day
Actors  -  Winter, 25, Job, 55, Darkness (undefined age)
Costumes  -  Job’s long coat,
Props  -  Pistol(revolver) + holster, ear to ear cheekless teeth prosthetic, black body suit, purse + girl clutter, pipe, cigarette, plastic vampire teeth, wrist and ankle bindings, straight razor, cut face prosthetic, cut throat prosthetic, liquid stage blood
Audio FX  -  Likely alteration of the voice for Darkness, window bang, hurricane wind, door slam, lock click, door creak, gun shots, police sirens
Visual FX  - black eyes (unless black contacts can be used), gun flashes + smoke
Other  -  makeup artist, replacement window, hurricane destruction stock footage, set design filthy bathroom & clean up, crash pads for fall, crazy clown make up, bleeding leg wounds, shop fan, foliage debris, find a photobooth (or rewrite)
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural horror suspense
Comments  -  I really don’t understand WTH happened on pg4 between Job & Winter. Just a... random piece of pipe laying on the spermy bloody bathroom floor? Okay. Budget’s well contained. Nice use of a single setting. Story’s a little wonky but workable. Script format: fine. Final word: Nice suspense, effective use of budget, story needs some refinement.

$1,000 - $ 2,000 Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 9.9 Screenplay Pages
= $101 - $ 202  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - Winter and Darkness are, Job isn’t
take refuge from a hurricane - not really refuge, but close enough
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice - yep
between good or evil - yep, for Job
in order to survive the night. - not really established for Job
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep
that factors into their choice. - yep
Genre is open. - Supernatural horror suspense
This is a micro-budget short, - yep
so no destruction of the motel, - other than the window, yep
no children or animals - yep
and minimal special effects. - yep
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - does Winter’s black and white crazy clown make up count? I think it should
dinosaur(s) - nope

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit

You have some awkward phrasing in your awkward lines that makes them longer than they need to be.

You can cut down the opening conversation by not having Job repeat the same line over and over again. It slows this down.

The snowy name line seems pretty cheesy to me. Especially in these circumstances.

I also had a hard time figuring out why Job was aiming a gun at Winter if he was defending her from the beginning. It didn't seem like he came to the realization that she was innocent. He just knew it all along so I'm not sure why he was aiming it at her.

The writing is pretty clean, so I didn't have any issues with that. The dialogue just slowed it down for me.

I was quite intrigued by your logline and thought ooh, this might be good but unfort. it fell below expectation.

I'll resist repeating what's been said re dialogue, character names etc. (but really in saying that, I'm kinda saying that, aren't I?) Stymied with your main character's demise, a few other things are unclear - a bit messy all in all.

Would definitely be interested in a rewrite - just need it all to be a bit snappier and tighter.

Good effort.

Poor pg 12, all it has on it is THE END. Could've easily cut somewhere and lost the wasted page. I wasn't a fan of the writing on this one. Too--

--many dash breaks in the action that didn't have the effect on me that I'm sure the author intended. Just took me out of the read.

SPOILERS

The idea here isn't a bad one though. I liked that the girl was psycho and went after Job. Then, they both end up offing themselves which was a bit of a let down at the end for me. So, A good idea that needs a better delivery IMO.

Good job entering the OWC.

James

I didn't care for this one too much.  I had a very hard time picturing Darkness, (maybe because of his name, I wasn't supposed to), but I'm wondering what he would look like on screen.  All I got out of the description was human, but with no cheeks.  Does that mean just tissue and blood, or maybe scar tissue?

Story didn't really do much for me.  It was too back and forth with Darkness wanting them to kill each other, first Job killing Winter, then her killing him, then him killing her, then him killing himself.

Just felt very disjointed, especially wondering how Winter all of a sudden was on Darkness' side.

Besides Darkness' description and the disjointed story, I think this was competently written, though, format wise.

Liked the story behind this but needed better execution. Clean and easy read, just storywise confusing at times. Also didn't like how Job shot himself. If Darkness was gone, then why? Thought Job might have just slipped out of the motel room and left.

Good effort.

I think this had a nice poetic element to it but I wonder if the character naming (which was a large part of it) will come across on film.

I don't think the person who wrote has English as their first language so kudos for that - you did a pretty good job with it.

This definitely had a strangeness too it that I appreciated.  

Good work at getting something together for the OWC.

This one had a few good moments, especially when it started out.  I liked the mystery inherent in Darkness' presence.  And he was a charasmatic, memorable character.

And one point though...it just degenerated a little too much into splatter gore for it's own sake.  And least, that's the gut reaction that I had.  

Competant writing - but I'd like to see more emotional impact at the end, vs. simple splatter (not sure what that would entail - so apologies for giving such a vague recommendation...  But best I can do off the cuff...!)