Bad Juju by Anonymous Walter - Short - When a hurricane approaches, residents of a flood prone homeless shelter seek refuge at The Hilltop Motel, but some will soon find out the storm isn't their greatest danger. - pdf, format 8)

This was just 'ok' for me.

The characters weren't that interesting. The whole possession thing is starting to get to me after reading so many of these.

good job finishing the owc.

Wow.

So, listen...I was pretty happy with the writing and everything early on.  I was thinking, that maybe this new batch will be the Bomb Squad coming in.

But then, I starteded totally changing my opinoin, and about half way through, I started wondering what happened to the writing, the dialogue, everything.  I started seriously thinking it was a pisser.  And, I totally appoligize if it's serious, but everything became so incredibly cheesy, fake, on the nose, and just...oh shit...

I finished it.  Good job.

Excruciatingly long setup before we actually get to the crux of the story and then sorry, it's just a little dull - including the long winded explanation by the nun - exposition plus! I ended up scanning through a lot of this, sorry...again.

Misspellings and quite a few of them, and punctuation/grammar errors, including my pet peeve:

the word is 'lies' on a bed not lay. You are not the only one who does this.

As for the writing in general, some of it is quite good (though it needed a proof read) it's just the story or rather lack of much plot, is letting you down here cause you don't actually get to it until near the end.

Tighten this one up a lot and it might go somewhere.

I'm thinking the evil part comes too late into play - it comes up on page 10. That's late for me.

Maggie does nothing but moan, the rest of them do nothing much either most of the story. I wish you built up to the suspense here, make them fear the hotel from the beginning maybe, make Brian and Maggie more mysterious and scary, mislead a bit mayby... Use the tricks before your final reveal.

I think the issue with the script stems from too many characters for 12 minutes. Maybe cut some characters out and flesh out Brian's relationship with his wife more so that the audience can sympathize with his plight. As is, it's hard to feel anything for anyone as they just don't feel complete.

This is well written, but you have a very long set up. Halfway through the script, it still isn't going anywhere.

I think this could use some better character development as well. For a week, this is a good start, but I think they could definitely be more interesting.

The supernatural elements came in pretty late, and seemed somewhat out of place. It would probably work better if you had some foreshadowing early on.

I think you have some good lines in this, and I like the story. I just think it could be executed better. I liked Janella and Bobby Jack, but their little subplot never went anywhere, ultimately making these characters useless.

Brian seemed to take the whole exorcism thing very well. Even if he's religious, I seriously doubt he'd be so willing to let his wife die.

I think the third act definitely needs work. It all wrapped up quickly, and I didn't care for the ending. His wife dies, and...he walks off with his "new friends?" Sorry, just wasn't realistic or satisfying.

I'm not sure if you were going for horror in this or not. For one, you have some cool elements (the burning crucifix, the doll-thing) but it never really went "all out" and could be taken to the next level, IMO.

Still, I enjoyed this one. It seemed rushed, but that's just because of the deadline. I'd like to see another draft of this when the OWC's over.

Great job finishing the OWC.

I agree with much of the criticism. There were just too many characters on display and things went a bit too wacky in the end. I wouldn't go to the extreme some have suggested but it went from a really good setup to just a weird, contrived mess.

The thing is, the mess came out of nowhere. You did nothing to setup the previous demon transfer (from the previous occupants in room 13) and just decided to tell us through dialogue, after the fact. I'm not keen on things like that.

Overall, it could have been so much better than it was but it was kind of a letdown.

C.

Strange...

I could not disagree with my SS peeps (for the most part) more.

Yes, there's lot of buildup, yes, there are quite a number of characters, but I didn't have much of a problem with any of that. This didn't seem rushed except for maybe the last page. If anything I feel like you were onto something and felt constrained by a page count. The writing does start strong and held my intrest. If there is only one area I had issue with, it's being told what happened in room 13 when it could have been shown.

This was, in my view, one of the better entries in the OWC.

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley This didn't seem rushed except for maybe the last page. If anything I feel like you were onto something and felt constrained by a page count.

Don't those two sentences mean the same thing? It felt rushed because they were constrained by a page count.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde Don't those two sentences mean the same thing? It felt rushed because they were constrained by a page count.

I suppose that's one way to put it.

This was one of those titles I had a good feeling about. Maybe that's good juju!

Alas I'm going to be boring, agree with most of the others and say that, whilst I liked the concept and a few good lines, it did seem to have too many people, and too many things gong on before the story got kicking.

Mind you, it  wouldn't take much to trim and re focus, so good opportunity.

If this is micro budget, an ensemble cast seems out of place. I don't know about production costs and ease but numerous different rooms and locations would also add to the bill, I suspect.

All the best

This had good elements but ultimately had too much stuff going on with too many characters and that's what brought it down.  I'm reading this and wondering why indeed there are so many seemingly central characters in this short.  As a result they were more generic than odd and interesting.  

The idea is cool and the conflict is there but this needs toning down.  Be a little simpler.  

Otherwise I think I would have liked this a bit more.

Greg

It was well written but I agree with some of the others in that it took awhile for the story to develop, many characters hurt the story to get going earlier on. It would be excellent to stretch this into a feature but as a short story too much was going on. Great job at writing a OWC script.

Bad last line. This didn't do much for me. I think you shot yourself in the foot at the outset with too many characters. There was the decision between good and evil with Megan, but it never really had much drive to the story.

Good job entering the OWC.

James

I liked this more than most of the other reviewers.  I didn't mind the slow build and I thought you described the characters of Brian and Megan very well, especially the toll that this possession has taken on both of them.

But, what with the multitude of priests and exorcisms in this owc, I suppose I was hoping for a different storyline.  When the crucifix burned the nun's hand, I was thinking that the seemingly affable Brian had something terrible in mind for his guests.  But then the voodoo happened and the exorcism and everything pretty much resolved itself.  Very odd ending with Bobby Jack asking "What's for breakfast", considering Brian's wife has just died.

A solid, creepy first half that unfortunately went off the rails in the latter half.  For a rewrite, maybe reduce the number of characters and make Brian a wolf in sheep's clothing.

INT. ROOM NUMBER ONE - MORNING, mistakes in your opening scene heading hint at a serious rush job or lack of a once over before submitting. Where is this room?

The slow intro may echo the drudgery that is Brian's life, but a little more economy of words would make this an easier read. Commentary and asides just interrupt the flow.

Mild intrigue at Megan's 'condition' and room thirteen needs to be worked here to maximum effect.

Don't understand why the crucifix would burn Sister Francene?

Eight pages in and there should be a stronger hint at a supernatural past. Opportunities to foreshadow and misdirect are sacrificed at the expense of too many characters.

Too many exterior scenes, in a supposed hurricane setup.

Far too much exposition by Sister Francene.

The idea was okay, but the plot and ending missed the mark.

NOt my favorite sorry.

Very on the nose writing, with a lot of characters to keep track off in a short..
The storyline was ok..

Good job on finishing

Mark

Congrats on finishing the OWC!

Again, too many characters.  Strip down to Brian, his wife, a priest and a nun.
Everyone else just got in the way and kept you from telling a good story.

Instead of telling what happened in room 13, show us.  You don't have to give it all away at the beginning, but maybe the wife has bits and pieces of flashbacks.  
By the time you're ready for the exorcism, the flahbacks bring us up to speed.

Show more of the exorcism.  You don't need big FX, just a big ending.

Good effort, but needs rewrite and focus.  As do most of these - mine included.

Thanks for playing.

It took a while to get going and when it did finally heat up, I was kinda disappointed with the ending. And I have to admit to hating the last scene with them all holding hands and walking into the sunset with the snoring douche asking what was for breakfast - that needs to go, IMO.

The first six pages were very wasteful, to much time setting it all up and there was way too many characters to keep track of in such a short period. This script also moved around too much for me, going from room to room, outside and the lobby. By the time the story got the nitty gritty I was almost about ready to chuck in the towel.

So after finally get into the story, it was revealed that Megan was possessed and liked this aspect but it was ruined by so much exposition which needed to be thrown out quick because you were running out of pages. This again comes down to the slow opening, if you can cut down the beginning, then this exposition can come out more naturally or better yet, visually.

The writing was pretty decent, if not overwritten at times. Some odd lines which came off awkward but this may have been down to some missing words which is normal in a first draft.

Congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve

Honestly, somewhere after page 8 this just fell apart. It's a shame beause I thought the ending would be a lot less cliched and dull.

I felt the whole story didn't really lead to anything, it just happened. It wasn't fulfilling in any way and there was no real reason for this to happen.

Honestly, a lot of the characters can be cut really easily. If you really wanted to, you could tell the story with Brian, Megan and the priest.

A good start but it just trailed off and became a total mess.

My grade: C- but take that lightly.

I'm going to agree with Darren and Ryan here, and also venture to say that I even liked it more than they did.  Storywise, of course.

I think this is my favorite story and setup so far.  But, as much as I love the story and setup, the execution and ending wasn't there.  The writing wasn't bad, but it did get in the way from fully enjoying the great setup.

Of course, Janella and Bobby Jack really bring the script down and they seem comically out of place for such a sad story.  And you end on them, which doesn't bode very well. (And, you name the story after something cheesy that Janella says.) And, it seems you made Janella kind of a hero.  I think you can pull that off, but you'll have to get rid of Bobby Jack for that to be effective.  Because of her interactions with Bobby Jack, she's coming off as whiny to us, rather than the hero she is in your mind.

I didn't understand why the crucifix all of a sudden burned the nun, either.

Everything happened too conveniently, (especially with Brian sleeping on a cot and the reverend asking him to sleep in his room, that felt like a cop out for setting things up the way you needed to and just didn't really make sense,) and you breezed over what could have been the most intense scene by having it as a quick MOS piece as an afterthought.

All that said, there is a ton of potential for a great, involving story here.  But it needs to be free from the competition restraints and page count to be totally effective.  Hope the writer sticks with this one after the competition.

- Mark

Whilst this was well-written, I have to say this was the slowest read of the OWC for me.  It was also, and I don't mean to be insulting here, extremely dull for the first 8 pages or so.

You need to liven up that beginning.  And that ending with the two of them walking off into the sunset - a bit too cheesy.  

So cut down on the characters and dialogue, up the excitement level and tension, and give it a better ending.  Then you'll have an excellent script.

Good work for getting something together for this OWC.

Bad Juju by - When a hurricane approaches, residents of a flood prone homeless shelter seek refuge at The Hilltop Motel, but some will soon find out the storm isn't their greatest danger.
Brief - A shitload of church people swarm over the budget and consume it to the bone!

Locations & Sets  -  Interior, motel room @ day. Interior, motele kitchenette @ day, Interior, motel lobby @ day. Exterior, motel room @ day
Actors  -  MEGAN STRAUB (45), BRIAN STRAUB (55), REVEREND QUINTON MANSI (60), a
line of people extras, SISTER FRANCENE (30), JANELLA HARRIS (40), BOBBY JACK WIGGINS (30), male CHURCH WORKER (30)...
Costumes  -  Brian’s outfit, reverend’s outfit, Brian’s change of clothes, Sister’s outfit
Props  - Medical supplies fill wire shelves,walker, rehab equipment, faux dust covering, hospital bed, framed wedding photo, blender, tray, breakfast items, baby food bottle, stacks of unopened mail + several with “FINAL NOTICE” stamped in red, extras belongings, ledger, overnight supplies for church people, hygiene supplies, lunch bags + lunch for dozens, medium cardboard box, candles, matches, cot, cases of water bottles, Gaudy picture, large wall crucifix, Janella’s belonging, bag,
Audio FX  -  wind gust, door slam
Visual FX  -  
Other  -  moving truck, makeup artist, ghastly body paint, van, shop fan
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural drama, maybe.
Comments  - Acquiring, transporting, setting up set design and break down of that opening scene is going to bust the micro budget.”He places everything on a tray.” WTH is everything?
Turn off your screenwriting program’s mores and continueds feature. This monster cast is detonating the budget. By pg3 I already know this story cannot justify the budget; reading from here on is pure charity on my behalf for story’s sake rather than thoughtful analysis. Rooms full of antiquated medical props and a cast of dozens are exactly how you begin to understand the difference between writing pie-in-the-sky stories and stories that are budget minded = likely to be produced. Okay, I’m quittin’ at pg9. Script format: fair. Final word: Unproduceably expensive for the story.

$10,000 - $12,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 12 Screenplay Pages
= $833 - $1,000  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - not before I quit reading there wasn’t
take refuge from a hurricane - yep
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice - I dunno
between good or evil - I dunno
in order to survive the night. - I dunno
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - probably
that factors into their choice. - I dunno
Genre is open. - Supernatural drama
This is a micro-budget short, - Pfft. No.
so no destruction of the motel, - I hope not
no children or animals - probably not
and minimal special effects. - probably not
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - I dunno
dinosaur(s) - I dunno

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit

Um, I was really liking this one in terms of writing and colorful characters... through the first half.  Granted, I was a little worried about the large cast of characters.  Seemed too much for the micro-budget requirement.  But I was interested, and curious where it was going.

THEN - the possession theme hit.  And honestly, I'm not sure how the heck they all decided that she was possessed...especially her husband, Brian.  What proof is provided in the script that would lead him to agree - all of a sudden - that his sick wife is possessed?  

You totally lost me at that point.  Which is a shame, because I was enjoying the writing on this as one of the better scripts up to that point.

Cheers,

--Janet (Wonka)

Agree with most of the others on this one. I liked it most of the way through, but not the ending. Could have been a lot better. I loved the whole Bad Juju thing though, one of the more memorable ones due to that, I loved her character. Don't know whether you ran out of time to create a better ending. With a re-write this could be really good.

Good job.

Page 1. I like what you have on this page, but I think you blew the budget with the medical equipment and hospital bed...

Marquee, not marquis.

Hanger, not hangar. You put planes in hangars.  :)

Finished. This was GREAT!! The best one of the bunch I’d say. It fizzled a little on page 12, but over all I think you did a really great job. If I had read this one earlier, I would have voted for this one. Congratulations!!  8)

Just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to read and comment.  I live on the NJ Shore and we were battered by a hurricane this week so I wasn't able to chime in until now.

As all of you guessed, I totally lost control of this story.  LOL.  I wrote it quick and then had to smash in the end and it turned out ridiculous.  Like a Scooby Doo episode.  But I haven't written anything since April because I work all summer so this was a great way to get me started again.  :)