Now Lie In It - 10/12 OWC

I may stand alone in this, but this has been my favorite so far. The dialogue (while just a bit too profane) was a great blend of exposition, subtelty, and vagueness. It left just enough to the imagination without leaving me completely confused. Gabriel was a great character, and I love how you made him curse to give him a grounded image. I don't quite see why Savannah had sex with the devil or why Jackson is putting up with all this, so you might wanna toy with those things after OWC, but as it is, I find this piece just brilliant.

Normally I don't like stories that are told almost entirely through exposition, but there's something about the atmosphere of this one that really grabbed me.

The story is very simple, but I thought you told it well and the ending was somewhat haunting.

Good stuff.

I'm sorry but 95% of the whole story was just exposition. I really just wanted to get it over with because it kept dragging on and on. I felt some of the story should have focused more on how this happened and any solutions instead of 3 page long dialogue convos which only essentially reveal one thing.

This seems like it was written by a good writer, some solid prose here. I think if you're satisfied with the story at the moment, then keep it as it is but IMO it needs more action.

My grade: C+ but take that lightly.

Last one...I think.

So, we start off with complete male nudity and sexual intercourse going down - nice.

A used condom onscreen?  OK...

"an uncooked steak" - like a raw steak?  This raw steak is in the sink with the ice and all the alcohol Jackson is drinking, huh?  OK...

So, is Jackson just walking arond nude this whole time?  I take it we're going for the X rating here, huh?

I'm not enjoying these little asides at all, sorry to say.

I'm just amazed Jackson is going to be nude the entire script.  Wow...why the fuck isn't Savannah showing us any skin?  Not happy about that at all.

Page 7 - I actually really like Gabe's line here - "Was he good?  Did he make you cum?" - Well done here!

Well...you did have some positive things going on here, but it got a little old, a little fast with all the dialogue.  The problem for me is the ending, as it feels very anticlimatic.

It's a good effort in my book, but nowhere near some of the better ones.  My first recommendatoin is to put some fucking clothes on Jackson, and get Savannah's off.

^LULZ at Jeff's review. in all seriousness though...tits or GTFO.

for some reason, the opening reminded me of Office Space. Fully expected Jackson to make a mid-coital sip of his coffee just like Lumbergh.

so this is the first entry that i've read that i really liked. love the concept (although it could be executed better). it's dark and twisted. does it need to be explained? maybe, but keep it brief. there's several unanswered questions as to how and why. okay, mainly just how.

i was intrigued from the start. nice work.

Starting with sex, I suppose gets people's attention. Nothing wrong with that but they're a real disfunctional couple these two aren't they? And then we throw Gabriel into the mix...

Obviously, a 'deal with the devil' story this one, and while it's not bad - (there were vague reminders of Eraserhead while I was reading this) - it's not fantastic. I think if you're going to go surreal then you should push the envelope. As it is the ending is kinda a fizzer compared to the setup. Something in it though... just wished you'd been braver.

Good effort - would be interested to read a revamp.

This is the second satanic baby tale.  And I think I prefer this one to the other.  The script had a certain sleazy creepiness almost like some 70's grindhouse horror flick.

But I have to wonder, if you've got the spawn of Satan in your bathtub, and you've got some Ichabod Crane Grim Reaper-type guy due any minute to whack li'l Lucifer, is it really time to lay pipe?  I mean, Jackson knows ol' Scratch has been crushin' Savannah.  Would he really want any of that?

I like how the mystery of what the baby-thing was is kept secret until the end.  Allows the imagination to fill in the gruesome details.

I think this script might have benefited from a couple extra pages.  Maybe to allow Savannah to recount her encounter with the Devil.  Must have been pretty horrifying.  But, I think this is a good start and solid work for a week.

Humm, different.

There do appear to be a few unanswered questions, which for some may not be an issue, but to me added to the confusion.

We have a dysfunctional couple, "something" in the bathroom and a dark "fixer" character who turns up. Like Ryan, the timing of event seems off, in terms of, to borrow his phrase, laying pipe.

Overlla the story was almost a parable of some elements of Soceity who don't take responsibility, blame others for their actions and just want the problem taken away. However, bringing in the man, as the person who proposes she sleep with the deveil, so he can write a book, on the one hand didn't realy make sense, but if we dig deeper it suggests he is complicit . Hence why a at the end, the "you reap what you sow finish". Almost had as touch of drug dependency vibe with the interaction between them, the lack of logic/common sense etc

Seemed to tick the boxes of the challenge althought the storm doesn't seem to be much of a factor.

Not a read I enjoyed, but one that leaves you mulling things over. Well done.

This tale was far too simple. The nudity and sex made have hinted and foreshadowed what was about to, no pun intended, cum, but it wasn't necessary to the story.

The solution to the 'dilemma' was far too neat and simple in the end. No angst, conflict or deliberation from Jackson or Savannah, save for melodramatic pauses.

While you understood the challenge and met the criteria, the central themes of the story need to be explored more.

I enjoyed this. Fast moving, written fairly well. It was simple yes, but effective. Nice job and congrats on the OWC.

I liked this one a lot. Kept me guessing.

I think it needed more to the ending though. There was a lot of funny dialogue between the couple and they didn't seem like the type of couple to be particularly stung by the ending. I felt they perhaps needed a more severe punishment. He mentions an endless storm, wasn't sure if this was just metaphorical.

Some good stuff in here, mostly bits of dialogue and little details like the bourbon in a baby bottle. Nice touch, that.

Overall, it's just annoying. Too much is deliberabley withheld to make the ending seem more like a twist. Talking around a subject over and over and over again grates on the nerves, especially when the payoff falls short. The ending was flat, no real emotion. Savannah's reaction isn't genuine, it's just the expected reaction of a mother facing giving up a child but it's forced.

The writing needs some work, mostly for grammar. Structure is there, at least.

Good attempt and it fits the challenge requirements.

I think Rene hit it pretty square here.

There's potential but it's actually annoying the way everyone skirts around the core idea. it is deliberately held from us and without a strong ending, it falls so flat.

The opening of the 2 banging and jackson walking around nude the whole just isn't the way to go, either.

I just read this one and loved it! I totally forgot to take notes even. The best one I’ve read so far and I think I’ve read 20! Great work. You kept me guessing and wanting more. I loved the end too. Stuck in there forever! Great work whoever you are!

I enjoyed this one.... It flowed very easily and the story was pretty good..

Straight off with sex and then a condom(remember the microbudget) :D

So Savannha had sex with the devil and spawned a child... :D

One of favs

Mark

Congrats on finishing the oWC!

You started off with a hard R almost X-rated script.  Set the tone nicely.

Having sex while your baby is in the tub next door and expect company any second is very telling of the two characters.  I'm sure Jackson intended to throw on pants, but that's your responsibility.

You danced around the issue until page 7 before you revealed the situation, but I felt you gave us enough hints to figure it out. Given the criteria it wasn't difficult to guess what was happening.

But, I agree the ending was too simple.  Not enough punishment for Jackson and his wife.

Very good writing though.  Dialogue rambled a little.

Thanks for playing.

Out of all the ones I've read so far this one seemed to be the best fit for the challenge brief. Whilst it could probably be enhanced a bit more and maybe have a different ending - it's still pretty good as it is.

Though I understand why a number of people felt the sex was out of place, I think it was essential to making the characters have depth. The act itself told us so much about the characters - beyond what we see on screen - so good job on that.

And great job on your OWC script.

First of all, I don't see the hard R rating at all. I just rewatched Girl with the dragon tattoo yesterday. Pretty graphic, but because of camera angles it's fine. We get the picture.

As far as the baby in the tub goes. It's not a regular baby...

I thought it was great and I wanted to know what IT was. 8)

PS. about starting with the sex scenes, it's a great set-up since she says she didn't have an orgasm and later it is revealed she had sex with the devil and Gabriel asks if she "cum".

This definitely hit most of the parameters. I wouldn't be surprised if it had been written by a certain MOD.

I think the choice presented to them was taken quite lightly. They just basically shrugged their shoulders and said, take the child. I know this is a result of page constraints, but I think it would've served this script better had you forced the choice a tad earlier in the script. Get to watch them sweat it out a bit.

I will say that this is by far one of the more intriguing efforts I've read. Has a nice slow build to it. The build of a script that should be five pages longer. You've got to pull the trigger and get it going on these challenges. That was the only thing I can fault you for here.

One of my faves, good job entering the OWC...

James

Pretty good idea and good use of exposition so an infant wouldn't be required for a possible production.

My only major issue was toward the end the dialogue just wouldn't end and it seemed like I was playing a game of 20 Questions to make sure I got all the details.

Overall a good take.

Greg

I guess my first question would have to be about Jackson... was he nude throughout? And if so, I don't want to know where he keeps his lighter.

A very dialogue heavy script, but unlike the others I've come across which I found boring at times, this one was very good and kept me intrigued. The author has a real knack for dialogue it seems.

The mystery surrounding what was in the bathtub was really well-handled, letting the reader use their imagination to work out what "it" was.

When it came out about the devil and Savannah having sex and spawning the devil's child (which I felt needed to come earlier BTW) I can't say it was a surprise. What was a surprise was that they would do this over something as trivial as a book - what if they couldn't have a child of their own and were so desperate that a deal with the devil seemed like a last resort, could have more of an emotional impact later when giving up the child. Just an idea but I do feel it needs to be a better reason than a book.

Thought the ending could be better, and did come off a bit flat but this is a solid entry for very hard challenge. And kudos for ticking off all the requirements - good job.

Congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve

The only thing I can add to this is ....about the sex scene...my idea would've been to get in a little later and get out faster. That way we know it happened AND we still know she didn't orgasm from it. I have no prob with it starting that way...but I would've gotten in 'later'.

Decent story though...the whole throw the steak in the shower was like a WTF ...remnded me of a feature I read with a dead baby in the fridge!! LOL

Quoted from Pale Yellow

The only thing I can add to this is ....about the sex scene...my idea would've been to get in a little later and get out faster...'

This comment just cracked me up. ;D
Sorry Dena, I know you're talking about the 'scene' mechanics here, but the double entendre is perfect.

Libby.

Quoted from LC

This comment just cracked me up. ;D
Sorry Dena, I know you're talking about the 'scene' mechanics here, but the double entendre is perfect.

Libby.

:) lol yeah right ;) sorry...it is so male typical though -- the outcome ...but yes, I was most DEFINITELY only talking about scene mechanics here ;) just to make it clear *funny tho*

I loved this one!

I loved Savannah and Jackson’s dysfunctional relationship and their back/forth banter. I liked how you kept the “devil baby” thing a mystery and hidden behind curtains, etc – added more to the intrigue. I thoroughly enjoyed everything and wanted more – I really wanted to know what exactly happened between Savannah and her encounter with the devil and that whole experience…sounds awfully crazy.

The line “Don’t expect this storm to pass” chilled me.

My favorite so far. Congrats.

I much enjoyed this entry.  It was clean, smooth read, easy to follow, and I wasn't annoyed by the amount of dialogue. The dialogue helped drive the story nicely.

One suggestion would be to consider Savannah having second thoughts on her decision about the baby.  Create a little conflict between Savannah and Jackson to heighten the tension.

And maybe the baby wails every now and then in the background.  Savannah hears the baby, and Jackson hears the wind.

I liked Gabriel and his command of the scene.  The ending left me wanting. I did want to know what this baby looked like, so you did a great job of holding my attention.  Overall, a great little story and I'm good with the sex at the start.

*Spoilers*

This one had bits to like - nice premise.  In theory, you could do tons with it - both with examining what the situation would do to the couple's relationship, and what the HECK do you do with a Satanic baby?  (And then the moral question of whether one should kill a baby...even a demonic one?)

But for me, the dialogue wandered a bit too much.  And the end...didn't quite logically scan for me.  Why is limbo their fate?

So this one wasn't for me.  Though I see where there could be promise.

** BTW - I *did* enjoy the reveal re: what was in the bathtub.  Nice build-up of mystery!

--J

You had some good lines in this, and it was one of the quickest reads of the challenge, IMO.

Sorry for not having anything really constructive to say-- I think it's already been covered in other reviews.

Anyway, this is one of my favorites of the challenge. Great job completing the OWC.

Now Lie In It by - A couple struggles with a tough choice after making a bad deal with the devil.
Brief - Couple seeks the help of Gabriel to “fix” their devil spawn.

Locations & Sets  -  Interior, motel room @ night. Interior, room bathroom.
Actors  -  JACKSON (28), SAVANNAH’s (24), GABRIEL (65),
Costumes  - merkins x2, raincoat, Gabriel’s long black trench coat and a wide brimmed
black hat
Props  - condom, cigarette + lighter x2, ice, several alcohol bottles, steak, baby bottle w/ translucent brown liquid, bloody blankets
Audio FX  -  Wind blown rain, bed creaking, thunder, condom snap, faint + loud squeals, wall punch, door knocks,
Visual FX  -
Other  - Exterior lightning effect, sweat mister bottle, possible drywall repair, windblown water on window and exterior door.
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural horror drama
Comments  - Extra pay for nude actor. Very nice dialog. Single setting is nice. Only a few camera movements within that single space required. It’s not really a complete story so much as it’s a opening sequence. Script format: good. Final word: Definitely a possible production candidate. Wish it were more... compelling and complete.

$1,000 - $2,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 8.9 Screenplay Pages
= $112 - $225  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - nope. The situation is interesting, but none of the characters are
take refuge from a hurricane - nope. They’re just biding their time waiting
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice - they are given a choice, but do not actually make it
between good or evil - not really, only between life or death
in order to survive the night. - yep
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep, especially Savannah!
that factors into their choice. - the past event has no bearing on their decision today
Genre is open. - Supernatural horror drama
This is a micro-budget short, - yep
so no destruction of the motel, - maybe a little drywall repair
no children or animals - yep
and minimal special effects. - yep
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - nope
dinosaur(s) - nope

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit

The biggest problem with this one is the dialogue is so continuously vague. Every character seems to be talking about something without talking about it. And, this isn't the subtext kind, either. This is just them asking each other questions about nothing.

That said, I was fine with the ending, overall, but the reactions didn't seem genuine. For a choice like your life or your kid's, you'd expect a little more emotion but we didn't get that.

The story could've been a lot better than it was, but it seems like you settled instead of going for something special which is a real shame.

C-.

This is up there in my tops.

I loved the atmoshphere and suspense that was built up.

I think maybe the ending was a little rushed and hurried, but I enjoyed everything about this.

Great job!

This didn't really do much for me, sorry. It was well written and the dialogue flowed well, but nothing about the story really grabbed me. It was different and there was nothing wrong with it. When it comes to the OWC, I believed it hit the mark.

Good job.

Outstanding work for an OWC! If this gets produced, we won't see it on youtube, though, that's for sure.

So the devil's a pretty good lay, huh? It figures. He's always horny, too.

A lot of folks seem bothered by the amount of dialogue. I have to say I don't really understand this, except that it comes from a preconception that film has to be 80% action.

I watched a nice little indie type film the other day called Smoke with Harvey Keitel. There's a scene about 2/3 into it where Keitel tells a story. It must be at least 5 minutes long, and all we see is Keitel telling. No other images. But it's probably the best part of the film.

Not saying that this kind of thing should be the norm in scripts, but an interesting actor telling a story, or compelling dialogue between actors, can be entertaining film.

What was in the shower was good mystery building here, though the revelation could maybe be more dramatic.

The motive of wanting to write a book was a good "twist", I think. If the parents had just wanted a baby that would have been way too familiar and predictable.

The fact that she can no longer be satisfied by her husband is a great touch. Every girl wants the bad boy! Once you go Scratch you never go back.

If there might be a way to improve it might be to find a way to show the bond between mother and child a little better. Hard because we never see it. Maybe she tries to feed it the bottle, gets scratched on her arm, but puts her arm right back in to continue feeding. That might be a good way to reveal, though I guess you feed a wild animal cub with baby bottle too.

Great job!

We have a ten page script and it starts off with a full page of sex that doesn't have anything to do with the story?  It was a waste of space if you ask me.

My two big problems with this script (the above wasn't it) dealt with the pacing and with Gabriel.  In regards to the pacing, the story is half over before we even know what it's about.  This should've been revealed by page three.  There was just too much unecessary chatter.

Regarding Gabriel:  it's obvious that he's the angel Gabriel.  And he started out with that angelic presence that all of God's minions should have.  Then he drops the F-bomb and he loses that angelic charm and mystique.  He becomes someone else... someone less cool.

While I understand that you were keeping within the confines of the challenge, including the low budget, you need to give us more than three people talking and a little sex.

Phil

Hi everyone! Thank you so much for all the comments and suggestions!

I will take this time to call myself out on my failures and explain them a bit:

I totally realized I forgot to put clothes on my characters after they had sex. I apologize to Jackson and Savannah for that. It was probably pretty nerve-racking to have to stand there and give a good performance naked in front of Gabriel.

Some of you didn't like the end. THe best (worst) excuse I have is that I wrote the last 2 pages in the final 15 minutes before the deadline.

My real excuse is that I always planned it to end that way. Gabriel is not Gabriel at all, but an agent of death. The choice between killing a child or letting it live is a choice between good and evil whether he is Satan's child or not. If they choose to kill the child, they go to hell, if they choose to let it live, they go to heaven (and the world burns, but that's a different story.) So while they are doing it for selfish reasons, they really are saving the world by damning themselves to an eternal hurricane in a dumpy motel. They are stuck with each other for all eternity. That's the real ending.

I feel like some people thought Gabriel killed the child and let them live. That's not what happened. You shouldn't even be so sure that David kills the child. He may just be rescuing the child. ;D

Sorry for the contradicting explanations,but that's how I like it. I'm glad some of you enjoyed it and understand why others didn't. I appreciate the comments everyone gave. Please let me know if I never commented on yours and you'd like me to. I've read them but left some comments out due to a lack of new things to say.

P.S. Ray is the man for doing the breakdowns he did, but I disagree that this script does not have a choice between good and evil and the fact that the supernatural event has no bearing on the choice the couple had to make. There are other things I disagree with from the review, but these are the main points. =D

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