Walking The Silver Lining by Johnny (RegularJohn) - Drama - Following a suicide attempt, Noah reconnects with his deceased wife in a dream world sustained by drugs and struggles to decide between life with a new love or an afterlife with Natalie. 95 pages - pdf, format 8)

Why do you capitalize so many words? It's distracting, to say the least.

I really WANT to LIKE your SCRIPT but I have TO read IT like THIS and IT is ANNOYING. I'm putting emphasis on the capitalized words and it's not exhausting. I haven't even finished the first page. I have 91 pages to go of this. SHEESH.

But great opening!

Thanks for the feedback ABSteel, I can see where you're coming from.  I've read that capitalization can be used to emphasize certain objects and whatnot but with that many capitalized words, it definitely works against what I'm looking to achieve.  Either way, thanks for the pointer and luckily, the first page seems to be the worst in that case.

It's an easy, albeit time consuming, fix. You overuse "beat" a little too much too. I know what you're trying to say, but "beat" really isn't an action. As I'm reading the dialogue, the "beats" don't seem natural. Actors will probably ignore them. For whatever reason, if you want the actor to take a break, give him an action. Drinking, smoking, checking the time, whatever.

And hospitals don't have lobby's. They have waiting rooms.

Thanks again ABSteel.

As I'm going through this rewrite, clearing up all these capitalized words (and there are quite a few), I'm understanding how the pauses in the dialogue are disrupting the flow.  I suppose I was looking for a way of breaking up those big blocks of dialogue.

I'm trying to limit my wrylies now so hopefully my next draft will possess a better flow.

I really want to like this, but I'm on page 52 and there's not much going on. Stuff is happening, but the flashback/dream sequences are repetitive. Noah gets high, sees Natalie, gets high again, sees Natalie. The scenes lack conflict. They puddle around because you want to show us stuff. They don't work.

The scenes with Jeremy are better, but repetitive as well. Jeremy wants more of Noah. Noah continues to be a whiny loser. Then Denise, who's only there to be the Mom. She doesn't have any character of her own.

Even with the beard descriptions, it's hard to keep track of when things are happening in the dreams/fantasies.

As far as the wrylie/beats go, your use of it on 52 in Alyssa's line is perfect. Take out the beat part, and leave it with "(sips coffee)" and it's golden. Alyssa needs to be introduced earlier. I like the potential, and if you introduce her sooner, it'll give the script a much needed boost. I would put her introduction to the end of act 1.

The UNO scene is the best one so far. Simple, nice descriptions. After a good rewrite (take out the beats!), you'll have a great scene. It started exactly when it should and ends right when it should.

There's way more phone talking than there needs to be, and that's just the first 20 or so pages. Get your characters face to face. Your scene near the bottom of page 13, where Noah calls Adrian, cut it, and cut every scene like it. Maybe have Jeremy drop Noah off at Adrian's house, or near it, and then have Noah show up at Adrian's house. I don't know why you have Jeremy asking about a car, since it doesn't seem to be on Noah's priority list.

A lot of your scenes start too early. The second scene with Alyssa and Noah could start with her "creeper" line. Pleasantries don't need to be said in a movie. Also, cut the entrances and exits. Have them there already and your script will read much faster. It'll also cut a lot of space, and make your script shorter. Cut the scenes with them going and getting into her car. Next scene, bam, they're in the car.

I could go on and on, but I think you get my drift. I'm on page 58 and Alyssa makes the script fresh and light. The stuff before is heavy and dark. I'm excited to read what happens with Noah and Alyssa, and how that plays out with the drugs and Natalie.

I'll continue reading but I doubt my notes will change. If I had the 100 extra blank pages, I'd gladly print out the script and use my nifty red pen to murder your script. But I won't.

I don't want to come across as completely negative. There's a lot of good stuff going on but it needs to be supported by better writing. Right now, the dialogue supersedes the action, instead of the other way around. Movies are about action but you've got a lot of dialogue. Reverse it, and you'll have a movie.

I finished reading it. There's a good story, but the writing needs to catch up. There's too much dialogue. Some of it's good and some of it's not. Same for the action. It's easy to read, but nothing memorable. It does what it needs to do but nothing more.

Overall, there's too much dialogue and not enough action. Alyssa needs to be introduced sooner and I think only one or two flashback/dream sequences of Natalie and Noah is enough. To contradict myself, keep the scenes where they're in the dark bedroom with the balcony. Those work. The others don't.

I don't get why there's a 4 month jump. I don't think it needs to be explained. Can you come up with a better way to show us that time has passed w/o being specific? I like using the statue as a trigger, but I think it needs to be something else. What if Alyssa reveals that she's pregnant?

It seems like there's too movies. Part 1 is heavy with drugs and drinking, and part two is light, and fresh and actually easy. It's supposed to be the other way around. I guess you're using Alyssa as a midpoint, but structurally speaking, that doesn't work. Or was the suicide supposed to be the midpoint? It's definitely a good moment, but that doesn't propel him into a new direction. The overdose/bathtub scene makes him go, "Oh, wait. I should probably do this differently" but it doesn't really work as is.

With the two different parts you have two different goals. In the first half, all Noah wants to do is get high and have these dreams. Then, you switch gears and he's the good brother. No more Adrian. No more Anthony. Noah needs to make the active choice to cut Adrian, and the drugs, out of his life at the end.

The ending is a bit confusing. I had to go back because I didn't remember that Natalie and Beatrice were stepsisters.  So Noah and Natalie fought, and she died, but it might've been his fault and it might've been an accident, but he doesn't remember. But she was pregnant, and the child died along with Natalie. So Noah can't get over his girlfriend's death and uses drugs to get her back. But he meets Alyssa, who gets him living again. But she triggers a relapse, and he tries to commit suicide. It's only when Noah is between life and death that he can get Natalie's permission to live. And he does so. Noah accepts Natalie's accident and lives the life he deserves to live with Alyssa, and his brother's family.

Is that a fair summary of events?

This needs a lot of trimming. See what happens if you skip over scenes. Do things still make sense? If so, then you may be better off cutting the entire scene. See what happens when you cut the "Hi" "Hi" "Hi" lines. Get to the meat of the scene.

I noticed when you introduced Alyssa's friends at the bar that not everyone was introduced correctly. Every time the a character is first introduced in person his name is in CAPS (with age in parenthesis). It doesn't matter if a character talks about him before hand, but when he is on screen that very first time, his name is always capitalized.

It's good but could be a lot better. It has an exciting opening but the rest don't live up to it.

What do you think the theme is?

Thanks for reading the entire thing.

First off, looking at your advise I agree that Alyssa should be introduced earlier so I'm thinking of having the Noah/Alyssa romance start around the first flashback with Noah and Natalie.  Perhaps having him a little apprehensive about starting over again or maybe he hides his drug use from Alyssa until she finds out.  Either way, it should mix up the upbeat mood Alyssa presents with the darker mood that Natalie brings.  That may cut out that 4 month gap.

As far as the ending goes, their child died six months prior to Natalie's death.  I should clarify that during my rewrite.  The flashbacks do need some fire behind them, perhaps Natalie's jealousy towards an already existing relationship with Noah could provide that friction.

Characters are another issue.  I wasn't sure how to wrap up Adrian's character as far as the story goes so I just ended it with that punch from Jeremy.  Denise doesn't have much to say either so maybe if I cut out those unnecessary scenes, it'll give me some slack to develop her character some more.  During my outline, I actually had a character, Natalie's step-brother, that hated Noah and blamed him entirely for her death but edited him out.  Perhaps I can work him in here.

I'll definitely heed your advise about the heavy dialogue impeding the action.  I think if I can create some stronger conflict between Alyssa and Natalie through Noah, it may give a more dramatic and tense feel.

As far as them goes, I would say it's drama but the dream sequences could be pulling it towards the fantasy spectrum.  If I want this to be a drama piece than I really have to introduce a lot of emotional conflict and it points to this love triangle.

Thanks again for reading the script.  I appreciate all the great pointers.

You're welcome. It was an easy read but there's not a lot of life. I'm looking forward to the rewrite!

I like the idea of the weird one sided love triangle. Play around with it and see if it works.

I forgot a few things. Label your dream sequences. It's easy to do.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT (DREAM)

I like the title. It's doesn't flow very well, but I like your intent. When this is produced (Hey, I'm a positive person) you may have a producer say, "Well, there's that one Silver Linings Playbook movie that came out last year and it sucked. What else ya got?" What are some of your other ideas?

I actually got the script registered about a week before I saw those damned previews.  I'm dry on titles right now but hopefully after this much needed rewrite, something will spark up.

By the way, you said that this script had a good intro.  Where would you say the script began losing steam, grammar and caps aside?

Unfortunately, the scenes after the bathroom scene don't go anywhere. I get that the trail is important, but when we first see it, there's nothing to make it important. You're showing us a man that's looking over a lake. Not resting, not catching his breath, just standing there.

Even without this scene, that's meant to be a plant but there's not enough going on to make us remember it (because I didn't), the next scene, with the 4 MONTHS EARLIER super doesn't do enough. He's watching a video of himself that you never bring up again.

Screenwriting is the art of plant and payoffs. Plant an idea, and pay it off in a surprising or clever way.

And that scene between Natalie and Noah about Lord of the Rings? Some people may get the reference but I didn't. I've never read the books and I only saw the first ten minutes of the first film. I'd cut everything except the part about the Mr Brawny and Mr Clean. That's cute and funny.

You introduced Max and I know he comes up again, but I don't remember him. I have no idea if he's a coworker, friend of Jeremy's.

Another thing you do a few times is this:

"They have sex."

I didn't know it was so easy! If it's important to show them having sex, then you need to describe what happens. If you want imply that they have sex, then there are better ways to do that. How does Noah feel about having sex again? How does Alyssa feel about having sex? Eager? Unsure? Do they regret it in the morning? Sex in movies is always more about just having sex. At least, in my opinion, it should be.