He Was The Enemy by Daniel Botha - Short, Drama -  War takes it's toll on a soldier after he risks his life to save the enemy. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Dan.

Nicely written short.  Aside from a few typos, a smooth read.  I'm not really sure about the "shouts O.S."  I'm think that shouts in Italian would read a bit smoother.  Just a suggestion.

I loved this, Other Dan B. What I'd change is the opening with Carson. I'm not sure I really buy into it that this drove him over the edge like it did. It should bother him, but the rocking back-and-forth with a distant look in his eye's a bit common, theatrically. In fact, the Simpsons made fun of it quite often back in the 90s. "No, Bart. Put it down, Bart."

Explore other ways for him to be troubled. Maybe he has a dream about it in the tent, wakes up, thinks he's back there, grabs a BAR, then thinks his two buddies are the two Italian soldiers and holds them up. Then flash back to the actual occurrence, show that in its entirety, and come back and resolve the tent standoff.

Another option: Instead of having him go through extreme psychological issues, do something subtler. I'd also make him 18 or 19, instead of 24. Before the incident, he would've been a happy-go-lucky kid with dreams of marrying Jane Russell or Bettie Page. Afterwards, it's forced him to grow up and deal with death. He doesn't really know how to handle it, so he buries it. You could start in the tent, he's just talking to his buddies, chewing the fat, and then he flashes back to it. Show that in its entirety, then come back and show him bury it and brush it off, like it's the first time of many times over many decades that he'll do that.

Just some cogitations.

Thanks Don (as always) for posting this one. You're the man ;D

This was a short I entered into my first MP competition. The theme was "Where Am I?". This meant that the first line of dialogue had to be "Where am I?" and it had to be uttered by someone who had just woken up. I ended up coming first in that competition, so I'm quite chuffed with this, although it's still in need of another few re-writes.

It was originally five pages, but I've cut down on it quite a bit after getting some feedback from the awesome and very helpful people over at MP.

Onto the feedback.

@John: Thanks for taking the time for reading this. I'm glad you found most of the writing smooth. Everything I've learned from has been from this website, so it's fair to say I intend to stick around. Your comment about the off-screen shouts has been noticed. I usually try to keep my writing as simple as possible, but if it doesn't make sense, then I'd rather a lengthy sentence, instead. Cheers :)

SPOILERS!!!!!!

@Other Dan ;D: Glad you enjoyed. There used to be a scene at the end of this script, where Carson doesn't attack the others, but he did hug their feet screeming "Papa! Papa!" over and over again. Problem was, that was way too melodramatic, so it had to be cut. I don't know about you, but I'd be pretty traumatized if I had just killed a girl's father right in front of her eyes??

I'll definitely have a look at those suggestions you have put forward. The one with his age, is a particularly good one. I just watched "All Quiet on the Western Front" and I discovered from there that most soldiers in WW1 and WW2 tend to be ignorant young teens who have no idea what they're in for.

Thanks for the feedback, guys. Let me know how and when I can return the favour :)

Hey Dan,

Another solid story. Your writing is coming along nicely! It was well written and read smooth. It felt as if we were right there fighting along side with Carson and Damon. So kudos for that. A nice little twist at the end with the enemy being the little girl's father.

One little nit pick I saw was on page 3. "She cries in Italian."  "Boo who who" but with a accent. lol.

Best of luck - Dirk

Dan,

This was good. It was well-written. I would have liked for the beginning in the tent to kind of bookend the flashback...maybe go back to present at the end, have some kind of resolution.

I agree with Other Dan, Carson seemingly driven insane at the beginning wasn't realistic.

Anyway, I really enjoyed this. Great job.

Ok, so two people have asked for more of a resolution... Done deal. Will work on that in the next draft :)

Thanks Dirk and... crookedowl. Sorry I don't know your real name.

Dirk: Nice pick up with the Italian accented laugh. Got a good giggle gfrom that comment. Glad you liked it :)

Crooke: Shot for the read. Maybe I should tone down on the Shell-shock a little more next time round? I want him to be affected and I want that to be obvious. Nothing about this screenplay should be subtle, IMO. Anyway, I'll see how I can fix it up :)

Thanks guys.

Dan

Hey Dan(other Dan) that's not the other Dan :D

A couple of typos... Very few

Carson|s stretcher..... I think you pressed the wrong key  

Damon clutcches Carson's shirt.... clutches

It was a nice little piece, although IMO I always have a peeve that if a character becomes central, you should give them a name.. The small girl.

Besides that, your writing is very good and it's a nice read for 4 pages

Good job

Mark

Mark! Loving the new avatar ;D

Thanks for popping this one open. I completely agree with giving central characters names. I'll think of a stereotipical Italian name for her ;D just kidding.

Sorry about those typos. There are some things that you just miss when you read through it yourself. I'm terrible with proof-reading, so I usually just leave it to others. I'm lazy like that.

The thing with "Carson|s" can be blamed on me having to import my PDF into trelby and for some reason it automatically formatted apostrophes like that. I was sure I had nabbed them all, but apparently not.

Thanks for the read. Glad you liked it.

Dan

P.S. When I'm not busy writing, I'll be sure to take a look at "Loserville". I remember loving the Pilot episode.

Hey Daniel,

Been seeing your name around a lot lately.
So, I thought I'd take a gander at your MP winning short. ;D

P. 1

Right off in the first action description is a bit of a no-no.
You repeated the military tent established in your opening slug.
Refrain from being redundant there.
Just say something like...

A basic model. Modest. Dark. Sparse.

That kind of repetition is a classic amateur mistake industry readers sniff out.

P. 1
And here's another repetition a little further down the page.
Verb repetition.

You used the verb "dart" in back to back descriptions.
Switch up your verb choices. This is another red flag.

Finished.
I liked your tale.
But I felt it needed a return to the tent with a hysterical Carson.
I'd like to have that bow on the resolution.

This is a pretty well told tale.
My two biggest issues were the limited word choices and some typos.
Lots of repetitive descriptives. Too many fires, cries and rubble.
Bust out some varied vocab moves to improve the read.

Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from danbotha I don't know about you, but I'd be pretty traumatized if I had just killed a girl's father right in front of her eyes?? I'll definitely have a look at those suggestions you have put forward. The one with his age, is a particularly good one. I just watched "All Quiet on the Western Front" and I discovered from there that most soldiers in WW1 and WW2 tend to be ignorant young teens who have no idea what they're in for.

While I'd agree that most writers can probably look inwards to find some sort of relatability to their characters, war veterans are one of the exceptions. I could be wrong, but I don't think PTSD was as acknowledged during WWII as it is now. Guys just came back from the war and buried it deep down. As a result, a lot of them were kinda emotionally absent. My grandpa was a bit of both. He was still emotional, but he buried a lot about the war. Then, one night we were watching the evening news on the 50th anniversary of D-Day and out of nowhere, he starts bawling. My mom asked him what was wrong and he said that right before the invasion, he'd been transferred out of a unit that took part in it and none of those guys made it outta there.

To underline your point about "All Quiet on the Western Front," one of my wife's cousins is just like that. He's 19 and a few weeks ago, he shipped out for Army basic training. He joined because he thought it'd be fun and he wanted to get away from his mom (because she tried to make him behave). Now, it's the holidays and he's homesick and wants to quit the Army. I figure in any military, there are guys like that and in war, it's even more tragic because they're not just faced with homesickness, but death.

If Carson were to go nuts, it'd be well after the war was over. I think it's usually years of nightmares and sleepless nights later before they get to that point. PTSD, on the other hand, could probably be triggered instantly. Or, he could bury it. :)

Quoted Text Thanks for the feedback, guys. Let me know how and when I can return the favour :)

BOOM. Ask and ye shall receive.

Thanks Brett and Other Dan ;D

Brett: No doubt about it, I need to get hold of a thesaurus and change some words up. I'll definitely fix up those writing mistakes you picked out. Most of them I wouldn't have found myself, so thank you. I had no idea that industry professionals pick out those things that you pointed out. I always thought I'd be pretty safe with those, but I do see your point... It gets redundant after a while. Having a better, yet not so melodramatic as the previous ending is on my to-do list when I re-write this one. Might be a while before I get around to it, but I sure have taken note of your notes. Cheers Brett.

Dan: You're correct, PTSD wasn't acknowledged in WW2. Most soldiers who suffered, were labelled as cowards and were often convicted for "abandoning their duty" (I think). I know that was the case in WW1. The problem with anything war-related is a writer can't know for sure how things work out there. Particularly in New Zealand where the closest thing I've come to a war was with the filming of the Lord of the Rings. Maybe Carson isn't suffering with PTSD, yet. I've heard all sorts of stories about people killing someone and then going nuts. On the flip side of that argument, Carson has most likely killed heaps of people before. What makes this guy different? I see your argument and I think you have a very valid case. It's something I need to research more. If anyone knows a war-veteran or has themselves fought in a war, it would be great to hear your experience. Thanks Dan. I really do appreciate it.

Dan

Dan.

This is a nice improvement over your original entry. Looks like you took the advice (damn those typos) from your readers at MP. The oversize bold font on the title page is perhaps self indulgent but okay for here. The prior reviews got the main points. Fade out has a period and is right aligned. A preference would be to have the girl use "Puh" instead of "Pa" to delay the recognition for a moment more.

Great work from NZ!

Gary

Hey Gary,

I've never seen you around MP, so I was a little surprised to see that you've already given this one a read. It's good to see that I've made some sort of improvement as usually with re-writes I tend to downgrade because I'm too eager to please everyone without considering what's actually good for the story. Your suggestion with "Puh" is a great one. I'll be sure to see how I can incorporate that in the next re-write.

Quoted from grademan Great work from NZ!

You sound surprised ;D ;D

Take care, man :)

Dan

Dan,

found this entertaining, nice to read a short with a little action. Skimmed through the comments above so apologies if there's stuff that's already been covered.

A couple lines that stood out to me: the ‘death trap on Codine’ reference felt a little out of place.

p.2 ‘wonders aimlessly’ did you mean ‘wanders’?

Perhaps instead of --

CARSON
No time to lose.

-- Just have Carson shoot them... (purely opinion).

Then again, if you were inclined to take this in a different direction, I think there’s potential in exploring what could happen should the two opposing sides not shoot at each other (maybe not straight away). Think you could work some interesting tension between the father and the little girls ‘rescuer’ amid this hectic battlefield scene. Maybe up the emotional element and make us feel a little more for 'papa'.  Just a thought.

Good luck,

Steve.    

Thanks for the feedback, Steve.

Glad you found it entertaining. The "Death trap on Codine" was honestly the first drug I thought of. Not even sure if it was around during WW2 ;D. I'll look into it. Maybe Morphine would be more relevant??

Loving the idea of conflict. I'm hoping to extend this into a feature some time next year. I have a feeling a lot of this short will change, though. The title, for example wouldn't work with the extended idea of this. Not sure if it has potential as a feature-length or not, but I guess we'll see ;D

Thanks, Steve. I see you have a new short up. I'll take a look.

Dan

Hi Dan,

This was pretty well written, and I enjoyed it quite a bit. I'm fairly sure most of the notes I made while reading have been mentioned by others, but what the hell, I'll repeat them anyway!

Page 1
The line: 'The other two men, dart up, prop themselves up.' reads a little awkwardly. Something like 'The other two men awaken and quickly sit up.' might work better.

Page 2
No need for a comma in 'Carson and Damon, crouch behind a pile of rubble.'

The line "It's a death trap on Codine!" kinda threw me off. I'm not sure what you were trying to say there. Just "It's a death trap!" would be fine.

'wonders aimlessly' should be 'wanders aimlessly'.

No need for a comma in 'She cries out, in Italian.'

Page 3
Insert a comma after 'wide eyed'.

'clutcches' is misspelled, although I think 'grabs' would be a better verb to use.

Page 4
The line "No time to lose." by Carson doesn't really make sense within the scene - they aren't on a time limit or up against the clock. As Steve mentioned, just having Carson shoot would probably work better.

'FADE OUT:' should be right aligned and have a full stop instead of a colon.


As others have pointed out, this would definitely benefit with a return to the tent for the ending. I also agree with 'the other Dan' that Carson's opening meltdown was a little too much. Him waking up, then shouting 'No, no, no, no!' before rocking back and forth seemed a bit over the top.

Try to make it a little subtler at the start, then have him breaking down at the end after reliving the story. Maybe when we return to the tent from the flashback Carson could repeat the line "He was the enemy." before breaking down in tears. Henry and Damon could try to comfort him and share a worried look as he continues to sob uncontrollably.

I hope this helps, and I look forward to reading the rewrite!

Thanks for having a look at this one, Steve :)

I still struggle with commas. I still don't quite understand where they're supposed to be fitted in. My rule: When in doubt, insert a comma! I see your point, and I'l be sure to fix it up in the next re-write.

Sorry you found the opening a little over-the-top. I'll try and tone it down a bit next time round :)

You've brought a lot of new pointers in this discussion, so don't worry too much about the few repeats in the notes.

Thanks Steve.

Dan

Hey Dan

When you say 'It's a death trap on codine', do you mean codeine?

Not a bad story but some of the soldiers dialogue seems a bit modern day, if you know what I mean, and not 1944.  Other than that the story was okay.  I agree that Carson's break down over shooting a enemy soldier may seem a bit too much but then who can say what tips a man over the edge in warfare?

A few typo's too but I never made note of them as they've probably all been picked up by now.

Best one I have read from you, Dan.

Thanks Anthony and Richard. You guys are awesome :)

@Anthony: It appears that this one is riddled with typos and spelling errors. I wasn't sure of the spelling of codeine, so I thought I'd leave it. Some lazy writing on my part. I'll have another look at the dialogue and see how I can change it up. I don't think English in America has changed that much since 1944, but I should probably research more into that. Cheers. Happy be-lated birthday. It missed my facebook feed for some reason :P

@Richard: Shit! I just realised I owe you a read from ages ago. You sent me an email a couple months back and I never got back to you. Sorry about that. My offer still stands, so let me know if you still want me to read. I'm hoping that your comment was a compliment ;D Thanks, man.

Dan

Hey Dan, was pleasantly surprised to open this up and see it was yours.

People mentioned the trauma already, and the way it's written doesn't quite convey the reasons for such a strong reaction. How about a grenade in papa's face or a bullet blows his whole head apart? Some brain lands on little girl's face, or in her open mouth hehehe.

One or two lines felt forced "DAMON: Carson, you're in a military compound. The same one you've been in for months." "DAMON: Fuck the orders! C'mon, there are
two of us and how many of them? It's a death trap on Codine!"

Apart from that it was nicely balanced with a strong narrative line connecting the points from start to finish. Good job man.

Cheers, Maz.

I'm not sure I want to make this too graphic to be honest, although it's definitely a possibility. I just feel that the fact that he just shot a little girl's father right in front of her eyes is enough to push him over the edge. I can't be sure, but I know I would freak out completely.

The dialogue is something I'll be reviewing big time in the next re-write.

Thanks for the words of advice, bud :)

Dan

Hehe - that's just my bad attitude coming out to play. More violence!

:P

Hey Dan,

Sorry for coming in late to this one – it’s been on my list to read.

A very quick read and quite a nice little short to be honest with you, I only wish I had more to add but it’s a simple tale really.  I like the idea of a solider making a quick decision and taking action to save the girl, only for that decision to be wrong.

Was there a need for a flashback or any tent opening – probably not! But as you had it, it would have been nice to go back to the tent and see some kind of conclusion to the story – was it just a nightmare? Is he over the tragic event? What has this done to the relationship between Damon and Carson? What happened to the girl?

You could get rid of Henry completely; he’s hardly relevant at all and doesn’t need to be in the story as told.

The writing was a tad clumsy with some comma problems, typos and some repetitive word choices (rubble being the main one)

In saying that, I’ve just read through the feedback and it seems this did well over at MP and that is something to be proud of – some great writers on that site so to come first is a great accomplishment.

Now with the restrictions out the way, maybe you could give this a re-write and flesh the characters out more and add some substance to the story. It’s really all riding on that ending at the moment but it could be so much more.

A pleasure to read as always and keep up the good work. And don’t forget to do your homework! ;D Is N.Z the same as Oz? Are you about to finish up for the school year?

Some notes to follow:

Should I mention the larger font on your title page? Well, it seems I have and it’s something I don’t care for but I’ll put that down to preference.

P.1 I’m going to start off with another picky comment – get some space between the slugs and action, feels very closed in at the moment. You should be able to change this with the software you’re using.

“A basic military tent” A bit redundant. I know this from the slug.

“lightly decorated” What does this mean? Have they given it a touch of paint or something?

“The other two men, dart up, prop themselves up.” A very clunky line – darting up would mean that they rushed out of bed I thought but then they’re propping themselves up.

“clean shaven” So both men like to use a razor – it’s a tad repetitive for me to have this line for both descriptions unless it’s important to the story – we’ll see?

“Carson|s” A good old keyboard typo, here.

“Carson looks on, in horror.” I’m hardly the comma police but does a comma need to be here?

P.2 “rubble” Watch out for repetitive word use if possible in the same action line – it rarely ever looks good.”
“crouch behind a pile of (rubble).” Could have been debris.

“Codine” Typo – codeine

“wonders” wanders.

“She cries out, in Italian.” Forget the comma. Is she actually crying? Can you cry in different languages? I know what you mean but maybe you could change “cries” for clarity sakes.

“clutcches” Maybe another keyboard typo – kept the finger pressed on the “c”

P.3 “I ain't dying for a kid.” What kind of soldiers are these? What does he think he’s fighting for?

You’ve got to calm down on the use of “rubble” I’ve seen so much in three pages – could just be me though, mate. These kind of things stick out to me.

“Damon crouches down on the other side of Carson.” When did Damon arrive? Has he changed his mind about dying for a child?

“She's Italian!” I don’t understand? What does her nationality mean?

“Damon fires at (an) unseen enemy” the unseen enemy, they’ve been intro’d.

P.4 “Pa—“ Kinda giving it away here.

“breaks down” How many times can one break down – think you’re over doing it, Dan. I get the picture.

“Carson doesn't respond” Nothing wrong with this line but it was aligned wrong – an extra space.

“FADE OUT:” Should be right aligned.

Good job. :)

Steve

Steve!You have got to be one of the most detailed reviewers around! Thanks, Mate :)

Quoted from CoopBazinga A very quick read and quite a nice little short to be honest with you, I only wish I had more to add but it’s a simple tale really.  I like the idea of a solider making a quick decision and taking action to save the girl, only for that decision to be wrong.

Cheers. It's the first screenplay where I've tried to incorporate some sort of twist at the end. Glad it worked out well on paper.

The ending will be changed up. Originally I did have a resolution in the tent, but the folks over at MP said that it was a little too much.

As for Henry I can see why he doesn't make sense in the short copy. If I was to extend on the idea (undecided on that one) he would play a much bigger part in the entire thing.

Quoted from CoopBazinga The writing was a tad clumsy with some comma problems, typos and some repetitive word choices (rubble being the main one)

Shit, is "rubble" still there?! I thought I had gotten rid of those ages ago ;D

Quoted from CoopBazinga In saying that, I’ve just read through the feedback and it seems this did well over at MP and that is something to be proud of – some great writers on that site so to come first is a great accomplishment.

Thanks. The people over there are incredibly friendly and encouraging. The writers are some of the best I've ever spoken to and it's great to be involved in two incredibly tight screenwriting communities. Both this forum and MP mean a lot.

Quoted from CoopBazinga A pleasure to read as always and keep up the good work. And don’t forget to do your homework!  Is N.Z the same as Oz? Are you about to finish up for the school year?

Homework?? Never heard of such a thing ;D. Yup, we're done and dusted since last Thursday. Just had to return for a Prizegiving and then I was outta there untill next year.

Thanks Steve. As always, I appreciate the feedback and time you take to review.

Dan

Quoted from danbotha Homework?? Never heard of such a thing ;D.

Me neither! That's why I'm stuck in a boring 9 to 5 job. :D

Quoted from danbotha Yup, we're done and dusted since last Thursday. Just had to return for a Prizegiving and then I was outta there untill next year.

You lucky buggar! ;D I miss those long summer holidays.

Quoted from danbotha Thanks Steve. As always, I appreciate the feedback and time you take to review.

No worries - always a pleasure to take a look at your work. I remember reading your first script on SS which obviously had its issues, but you've worked hard on improving your craft and now that improvement is there on the page. It's been nice to see your development over the past 6 months.

Keep up the good work, buddy. :)

Hey Dan,

A lot has already been said, so I'll try not to be too repetitive in my review, because it's best never to raise your hand immediately after the smart kids. I did like the story. I enjoyed how the effects of unknowingly murdering the father of the girl he risked his life to save led to a catatonic state which, in turn, to a degree took his own life away. I will however reiterate the point that while it's a traumatic event, one that would or probably should have tremendous psychological effect on anyone, it seemed hard to believe that this soldier, 24, was shaken enough by it to lose himself the way he did.

In terms of the screenplay there isn't much to say. Your writing is good and aside for a few typos mentioned above I don't have many gripes. Grammar wise, the word immediately following a hyphen is not typically capitalized.

(p2) "Carson and Damon duck -- More bullets missing them by millimeters."

"More" should be in lower case. Same applies to "Stops" on page three. The inclusion of Henry seems unnecessary, but I feel like it might be needed to add verisimilitude to the fact of Carson being in a compound at the beginning. Were it simply him and Damon the story in retrospect would have felt more personal in a way that more or less highlights a bond between the two soldiers as opposed to the story surrounding the girl and the battlefield. I don't know if I'm explaining this right. I'm probably not because that's what I do, but I would leave Henry in. Three soldiers, one not being in the flashback, make it feel like a true military story, less contrived if you may. Besides he doesn't have any lines so he would be paid as no more than an extra were this short to be filmed.

Also, continuing on a frustratingly pedantic note, you can remove the comma in "two men, dart up" (p1) and replace the comma with a period in "shitting me, OK" (p3).

I think the end would work better if you don't have Carson ask, "Right?" Bookend it with the line "He was the enemy. I had to shoot..." It ties in nicely to present time at the beginning and better propels the theme of the piece. Him asking Damon for verification strips an ounce from the weight of Carson's guilt as he's now placing the burden of his potential culpability on Damon. It's also a very civil, ordered response and follow up to his actions, which decreases from the idea that he's given in to heavy PTSD thereafter.

Good piece. Well written. Congratulations on your Movie Poet win. Was this for the contest just a few months ago in which the prompt required a character to awaken with the opening line being "Where am I?" If so I had an idea for that one, but then Subway had discounts, and I lost all focus.

Hi Tendai. I'm currently away from home so I'm having to write this on my phone. Thanks again for your awesome feedback. As I am writing this on ly phone going into detail is going to take ages. Promise I'll give more detailed response when I get back.

Cheers mate.

Dan.

Hey Dan.

I was happy when I popped this open and saw that it was yours.  (I actually read this a couple weeks ago, but just now got enough time to go online and write my thoughts out in detail.)  And I'm kind of glad it did take a while, because now I can go back and reiterate some points others have made, while disagreeing with others.

First of all, congratulations on the win at MP.  This is a great story and you put great effort into it, even for only four pages.  It's a well-deserved win for you.

Getting down to the nitty-gritty, others have been saying that the flashback needs bookended for more of a resolution.  I couldn't disagree more.  The resolution is there, it's just in that opening scene, rather than the end.  You tell us everything we need to know and if you write another scene in the tent to bookend it, it'll just be redundant of what we already know.

However, you did mention you originally had an additional scene with Carson at the end grabbing at their feet, screaming 'Papa!'  I think that's a very strong idea.  You may be right, it may be a little melodramatic, but I think it would fit perfect in the beginning and wouldn't come off as melodramatic if Carson woke up and screamed 'PAPA!', rather than the cliche'd 'Where am I?'  (Now that you're out of the confines of the competition, you can lose that line and not be penalized for it.)

That way, it'll throw the audience off and we'll think Carson is screaming for his father as he wakes up.  Then, at the reveal, it all comes together and heightens the resolution that we already saw in the beginning.

Also, at the end, the final lines, I'd lose him saying 'He was the enemy, right?'  It just gets redundant.  The line's perfect in the tent scene with Damon answering, but it's too much to repeat it again at the end.  The audience'll get the drift and you don't have to hit them over the head with it.  Just simply have Damon pulling the reluctant and shocked Carson away from the girl mourning her father.  That should make a powerful ending image.

People have also said that his shell-shock is too much.  I disagree there, also.  While him rocking back and forth may be a little too much for that opening scene, I loved that sense of fear Carson showed when he woke up.  I don't think it was as overdone as people say.  It'll take the right actors to pull it off so it doesn't seem too much, but it's written well enough as is.

I do agree with everybody that the 'death trap on codeine' line's got to go.  That just pulled me out of the story and made me realize I was reading a script, rather than living the soldier's lives.

I guess maybe my only question would be, why did the Italian soldier bring his little 5 year-old to the battle?  I understand the battle's going on in their homeland, but wouldn't the soldier's families at least be in a shelter somewhere and not the frontlines that you describe in the scene?  Maybe I'm just looking into it too much right now and missing something, especially since I know so very little about war.

Nevertheless, it was a great little story, Dan.  You did a great job.  It might be a little hefty in the pockets to film, so don't get down on yourself if you can't find a director for it right away, it was still a very enjoyable read.

Hope you're enjoying vacation right now.

- Mark

Hey Tendai... Thought I'd come back and give a more in depth response to your feedback. Apologies... I've been away on holiday (or vacation) with my Dad visiting from Australia, so I haven't really had a lot of time to spend at SS.

Quoted from Tendai I did like the story. I enjoyed how the effects of unknowingly murdering the father of the girl he risked his life to save led to a catatonic state which, in turn, to a degree took his own life away. I will however reiterate the point that while it's a traumatic event, one that would or probably should have tremendous psychological effect on anyone, it seemed hard to believe that this soldier, 24, was shaken enough by it to lose himself the way he did.

I'm glad that people are liking the story, although I do understand that not everyone will like my work it certainly is great to see that a lot of it has paid off. I do see the points risen about the the traumatic event at hand and I can see where people don't quite believe it realistic. At the same time, I think that it may still be enough to push this guy over the edge. Simply watching somebody die is enough to have people biting their nails for weeks. What you have to remember is the story is set during a time where mental training wasn't a thing for soldiers. They were kinda just handed a gun and told to shoot the enemy. I have, however, been researching into it a lot more recently. These things need to be triple checked. The argument regarding that aspect of the script could go either way and I'm still on the fence with it...

Thank you for pointing out those grammar issues. I wasn't aware that a word shouldn't be in CAPS after a hyphen. Cheers.

Quoted from Tendai I think the end would work better if you don't have Carson ask, "Right?" Bookend it with the line "He was the enemy. I had to shoot..." It ties in nicely to present time at the beginning and better propels the theme of the piece. Him asking Damon for verification strips an ounce from the weight of Carson's guilt as he's now placing the burden of his potential culpability on Damon. It's also a very civil, ordered response and follow up to his actions, which decreases from the idea that he's given in to heavy PTSD thereafter.

VERY good suggestion. Will definitely look into it and will probably have an improved draft up in January. My New Year's Resolution is to write a page a day... And yes I do plan to stick to it ;D

Quoted from Tendai Good piece. Well written. Congratulations on your Movie Poet win. Was this for the contest just a few months ago in which the prompt required a character to awaken with the opening line being "Where am I?" If so I had an idea for that one, but then Subway had discounts, and I lost all focus.

Thanks. MP is great. To write amongst people like them is a awesome as it is, but to be recognized by them is even better. Yes, this was a part of the "Where am I?" comp. Go ahead a write your entry anyway! I'd love to read it :)

Thanks, mate.

Hi there Mark. Thanks for having a read and taking the time to get back to me on this one.

Quoted from Mark First of all, congratulations on the win at MP.  This is a great story and you put great effort into it, even for only four pages.  It's a well-deserved win for you.

All I can say to that is thank you. You know how much I admire your writing, so it really does mean a lot to me :)

Quoted from Mark Getting down to the nitty-gritty, others have been saying that the flashback needs bookended for more of a resolution.  I couldn't disagree more.  The resolution is there, it's just in that opening scene, rather than the end.  You tell us everything we need to know and if you write another scene in the tent to bookend it, it'll just be redundant of what we already know.

I have a feeling that whole thing is really going to come down to personal preference. Some will like it, so will not. I for one like it as it is. Maybe that's all that matters, but at the end of the day I have written this for an audience and not pleasing them wouldn't be good at all. I'm still on the fence with it.

Quoted from Mark However, you did mention you originally had an additional scene with Carson at the end grabbing at their feet, screaming 'Papa!'  I think that's a very strong idea.  You may be right, it may be a little melodramatic, but I think it would fit perfect in the beginning and wouldn't come off as melodramatic if Carson woke up and screamed 'PAPA!', rather than the cliche'd 'Where am I?'  (Now that you're out of the confines of the competition, you can lose that line and not be penalized for it.)

Brilliant suggestion! Love it. I've always liked that line. Good to see other people trying to incorporate it in.

Quoted from Mark People have also said that his shell-shock is too much.  I disagree there, also.  While him rocking back and forth may be a little too much for that opening scene, I loved that sense of fear Carson showed when he woke up.  I don't think it was as overdone as people say.  It'll take the right actors to pull it off so it doesn't seem too much, but it's written well enough as is.

If this was to be produced, the opening scene would be entirely down to the actors. It would be great to see people pulling it off the way I originally intended. Fingers crossed at the moment :)

Death trap on Codeine line is gone.

Quoted from Mark I guess maybe my only question would be, why did the Italian soldier bring his little 5 year-old to the battle?  I understand the battle's going on in their homeland, but wouldn't the soldier's families at least be in a shelter somewhere and not the frontlines that you describe in the scene?

Yeah that is a little inaccurate in some aspects. The idea was the girl escaped the shelter to find her father, although that wasn't made clear in the script. It's still plausible, IMO opinion, but maybe not.

Thanks Mark. Glad you enjoyed it. Gotta head off now, sorry.

Cheers,

Dan

For four pages, this has a great grasp of story-arc. There were moments where I was using my own experiences to compare, but this is a human story, ultimately, and found it came together by the end. Who's to say how anyone talked in 1944, or from which country's military they were from? Who's to say how their unit functioned or was organized? The lesson came, and is strong, in the simple thought that warfare leads to inhuman loss and irrevocable damage.

About the typos: I noticed a few that looked like accidents, and a few that looked like a searching for just the right description of complicated actions. There's a slight overuse of comas in those, both grammatically speaking, but also for smoothness, even where some are okay or signifying a separation of thought. Some of the best advice I've received on my own work (because I'm a notorious over-user of comas, myself), has been to remove them as much as reasonably possible, even breaking some grammar rules in the process. As long as it's done with an eye for removing where it can increase speed/flow in action, and left to create a nice, organized rhythm in the lines, yea. It's a little more like free-form that way. Another thought, consider other types of punctuation here and there. H.P. Lovecraft is a master of this, even though it's old school. If he had written it, he might have done the fourth action line of your first page a little bit like this: "The other two men dart up - prop themselves up."  Where the first coma is removed, being a mistake, and the second is replaced with a dash (less formal than a semi-colon), to represent the separate, but related, continuation of action or thought - plus a nice little beat.

Where to use the formal rule with great impact, versus where to break it with the same... that's the question.

Hope that helps!  

Will! I didn't recognize the name and I've just realized that you're reasonably new around here. Welcome to the boards. Always great to see new members pitching in and contributing.

Thanks for having a look at this. I think you liked it (??) and if that's the case, I'm glad.

Quoted from WillJonassen Who's to say how their unit functioned or was organized?

I think anyone could easily just look this sort of thing up in the history books and find out. Don't get me wrong, I did do the necessary research and I did try and stay true to the history books wherever I could. At some stage during the planning process I came across a local newspaper article where a man was claiming that what was written down in the books wasn't actually correct. Apparently a whole heap of other stuff happened. It was then that I allowed myself to be a little more creative with the idea. After all, history is written by the winners...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the punctuation. It's something I'm not really good at. I agree with you when you say I should only use commas when absolutely necessary and I will try to eliminate them from future scripts. As for the varied punctuation... Yuhp I've noted it. Thanks.

Cheers Will,

Dan.

P.S. Let me know if there's anything of yours that you would like me to have a look at. I'd be more than willing to return the favour :)

Oh, yeah... I really liked it. As a veteran, myself, I only meant that it hit me hard, emotionally, but no negative vibes at all, bro! In my experiences there, I began knit-picking with my own training/brainwashing voices inside of me, that are geared only to some modern methods. I was in the wrong, and actually, that's why I posed those as rhetorical questions rather than statements. I was asking those questions of myself, and the answer? First, war's chaos. Second, in your creative goal, which I realized by the end, your interpretation and the endless possibilities are your own to decide and achieve. Therefor, it totally works, and I'm happy to recap, it's ultimately a story about the human condition, to my mind. He Was the Enemy. It's profound food for thought, and a message, I think, that needs to be told.

Also, thanks for the warm welcome! I posted a script and revised it. Don emailed me today to say that the revision should be up tonight, along with a little 8 page short of my own! So far, I have found the feedback from this community to be extraordinarily solid and helpful. It's the least I can do to give back insights from my own experiences.

And I more than appreciate that of other's.

Cheers!

(or "skoll!" as we vikings are fond of saying, though your's is nicer)

Woah you write well in your written discussion ;D ;D

My intention was to hit people hard on an emotional scale, although I never wanted to bring back any personal memories any veterans might have. I realize it's still a sensitive subject, one which I need to tread lightly with the current things happening outside of New Zealand. On the flip side, it's not a bad thing to see people connect with your work. You know you're doing something right when the audience empathizes and more importantly, sympathizes for your characters.

Quoted from WillJonssen It's profound food for thought, and a message, I think, that needs to be told.

If this is ever gets filmed, I will make sure that comment makes it to the promotional video :)

I have just seen a short of yours posted... I'm on to it, mate.

Cheers,

Dan

Haha! Thanks, my friend.

Also, thank you and your lovely island nation, full of incredible landscapes, dreams, and beer, for breeding and then sending us Peter Jackson - from bad taste to the hobbit, there and back again. We thank you, kind kiwis.

Funny, but I can't see my own updated work, yet. Maybe it's the time difference, or who knows, but I'll be getting to the feedback just as soon as whatever's happening on my end catches up!

Thanks!
Hope you enjoy, til then!

Hey Dan,

I read this one when it first was submitted to MP and did think it was well written and a great little story then.

There is no use repeating what has already been mentioned above so I won't go there.

Congrats on your win on MP and WOW your writing has come a long way in the time I have known you.
I think you have a bright future ahead of you and look forward to reading more of you work.

Alex

Thanks Alex,

It's great to read that people think I have progressed. That means a lot to me, as I truly admire most of the writers on this forum.

Great to see that you enjoyed it.

Thanks again :)

Dan

Hey Dan, since you asked, here's my feedback.

Looks to me like your top margins may be off.  The script just looks like it's really packed in.

Personally, I don't like the idea of a SUPER in an INT scene like this.

Always avoid repeating your Slug in your opening passage beneath it.  it's a waste and repetitious. I don't think the interior of a tent requires any description, actually.

Even though you're not properly introing anyone by name, you still want to CAP "MEN".

Carson's intro is awkwardly worded and ends in an orphan.

"The other two men, dart up, prop themselves up." - Awkward and no comma between "men" and "dart".

There appears to be a number of awkwardly worded lines.  Comma use is off frequently, as well.  IMO, too much unnecessary description of both "things" and characters.

The dialogue on page 2 doesn't sound realistic to me.

A number of typos going on, some of which are a real hindrance to the read.

IMO, the writing isn't very visual, and the unnatural flow makes it hard for me to really buy into any of this.

I don't like how everyone is constantly screaming (any dialogue ending in an exclamation point means the line is being yelled or screamed).

I actually like the ending, but the lead in is a waste, IMO - especially the level of detail given.

I don't know...something definitely is good about the concept but for me, the writing takes away the potential power.  And I'm not saying it's terribly written, it's just not well written. Maybe the lack of visuals hurts it for me...I'm not sure.

I'll tell you this, Dan - I think if you had edited this a few more times and cleaned it up a bit, I'd have  a much different take on it.  There is potential here, IMO, but it's not quite realized.

Hope this helps.

Thanks for the feedback, Jeff. It's exactly what I was looking for in your review.

I'll have a look at the settings on Trelby and see what I can do.

Quoted from JC Cleveland Personally, I don't like the idea of a SUPER in an INT scene like this.

Okay. Would you rather me start it with an EXT with the SUPER and then go into the tent? The original version did have one of those, but I had to cut it out for the MP contest.

Quoted from JC Cleveland Carson's intro is awkwardly worded and ends in an orphan.

Excuse the ignorance, but what's an orphan? I've never heard that term before.

Apologies for the comma abuse and awkwardly phrased writing. I've tried to incorporate the things I've learned on SS. Maybe not enough?

By "unnatural flow" what exactly do you mean? Would you rather complete sentences? I know with this one I tried to keep it as short as possible, which meant breaking a lot of rules I learned in English last year. Is that the issue?

Point taken with the screaming. There are lines I didn't mean to have screaming.

Thanks again Jeff. I appreciate your honesty and take on the script. I do plan on giving this another polish soon. Hopefully I can get another decent draft punched out. If not, I guess it's back to re-writing.

Cheers,

Dan

Orphans are when 1 word falls onto the next line all by itself.  they are usually caused by overwriting, and can usually easily be done away with, saving yourself a line.

Yeah, IMO, if you're going to use a SUPER, it might as well be an EXT scene where you can "see" something - inside a bland tent doesn't allow for anything, if you know what I mean.

The writing it not bad, as I said, but it just doesn't "flow" quite right.  Personally, I do prefer whole sentences, but you definitely don't have to write like you would on an English assignment.

I guess it's hard to explain without going into alot of detail.  For instance, the Flashback scene in the battle should be a very powerful scene.  It should be very hectic and tense, but it just doesn't read that way at all...not to me, at least.

As I said, your idea is a strong one, and that's a great start.  The more you write, the better you'll get at it.  And, the more you read, the more you'll understand what works and what doesn't...and why.  As I always say, reading poorly written scripts actually is a great way to learn how not to write, just like watching crappy movies gives you an idea of how to write the same movie better, if that makes sense.

Aha. That all makes sense, now. Thanks Jeff (you're gonna get sick of hearing me say that soon ;D).

You've given some excellent food for thought. There's nothing I appreciate more.

Thanks Jeff (SORRY!!)

Dan

Dan,

As I said in the PM, I read this a few days ago, but was too mentally exhausted to give you the feedback it deserved then. I really enjoyed the short when I read it then, and I enjoyed it just as much on the second reading. For the most part, it was very well written. I like the way you write, bro.

I’d maybe have the first shot an exterior of the battle camp. And then jump to the interior of the tent. I personally think that would establish the setting better.

First description is a little bit dodgy as well mate, as you repeat the slug. I’m notoriously guilty of this, but have been trying my hardest to minimise these errors...

Also, I’m a little bit confused as to how dark the initial setting is. The only reason I ask, is you say “A match is STRUCK, illuminating the irritated face of HENRY CALLIGER”, and I therefore assumed that it was dark, until the match was lit. But you describe Carson appearance in detail beforehand, which makes me assume that it’s not so dark? Minor issue, though. But the dark setting would make the establishing exterior shot even more useful, as people may have a hard time seeing/ understanding what the hell is going on, if it is really dark and gloomy in the tent.

Weird typo with the “Carson’s stretcher” line on p. 1.

P. 1- Damon’s line: “Carson, you're in a military compound. The same one you've been in for months.” This read a bit unnatural, and on-the-nose for my liking.

Page 2- Carson: “It's a death trap on Codine!” I’ve never heard this expression before. What is Codine? Do you mean codeine? Even s till, I've never heard this before.

Page 2- Carson’s line: “Shit! Right, time to go!” is redundant in my opinion. He brakes cover right after this, so I mean, is it important that we know it is “time to go”? Isn't us seeing him brake cover enough?

You use quite a lot of exclamation marks in the dialogue as well, man. But I can’t talk too loud, as I’m also quite guilty of this.

Now the ending, as much as I like it, I feel like it needs to end where it begins - in the tent. Maybe move Carson's final line of dialogue (the "right?") to the tent instead? Or something like that. I just feel that if it ends where it begins, it would feel slightly more resolved.

But yeah, overall, I liked this one. Good work, man.

Toby.

P.S. I haven’t read any of the other reviews people have given this, and by the page count of this thread, I can see there have been quite a few. So I do apologise if some of the comments I have made have been made prior.

Hey Toby,

First off thanks for having a look at this one. Your feedback and input is well-appreciated.

Quoted from Toby As I said in the PM, I read this a few days ago, but was too mentally exhausted to give you the feedback it deserved then. I really enjoyed the short when I read it then, and I enjoyed it just as much on the second reading. For the most part, it was very well written. I like the way you write, bro.

Glad you enjoyed it. The idea came into my head quite suddenly with the September MP contest. It's quite a cool thing when an idea is thought up in just a couple seconds and then to top it off, it's been incredibly well-received. The people here at SS have been an awesome help with their constructive feedback.

Quoted from Toby I’d maybe have the first shot an exterior of the battle camp. And then jump to the interior of the tent. I personally think that would establish the setting better.

I agree 100 %. The reason I didn't have it was because I had to cut down with the MP challenge and I forgot to add it to my re-write. You'll see one there with the next re-write.

Quoted from Toby First description is a little bit dodgy as well mate, as you repeat the slug. I’m notoriously guilty of this, but have been trying my hardest to minimise these errors...

;D ;D Yeah I know, I know. I'm trying to be more wary of that.

Quoted from Toby Also, I’m a little bit confused as to how dark the initial setting is. The only reason I ask, is you say “A match is STRUCK, illuminating the irritated face of HENRY CALLIGER”, and I therefore assumed that it was dark, until the match was lit. But you describe Carson appearance in detail beforehand, which makes me assume that it’s not so dark? Minor issue, though. But the dark setting would make the establishing exterior shot even more useful, as people may have a hard time seeing/ understanding what the hell is going on, if it is really dark and gloomy in the tent.

That's a golden piece of advice right there. I've never picked that up before.

Quoted from Toby Page 2- Carson: “It's a death trap on Codine!” I’ve never heard this expression before. What is Codine? Do you mean codeine? Even s till, I've never heard this before.

Codeine is a drug used to help injuries. Problem is, it usually send the people on a high as well. I have suggested that maybe morphine would be more appropriate to the time period?? Many people don't like that line at all.

Quoted from Toby Page 2- Carson’s line: “Shit! Right, time to go!” is redundant in my opinion. He brakes cover right after this, so I mean, is it important that we know it is “time to go”? Isn't us seeing him brake cover enough?

Fair enough. It was one of those lines that seemed good at the time ;D

Quoted from Toby You use quite a lot of exclamation marks in the dialogue as well, man. But I can’t talk too loud, as I’m also quite guilty of this.

Aw does it get a little too dramatic? Point taken.

Quoted from Toby Now the ending, as much as I like it, I feel like it needs to end where it begins - in the tent. Maybe move Carson's final line of dialogue (the "right?") to the tent instead? Or something like that. I just feel that if it ends where it begins, it would feel slightly more resolved.

Bugger! Originally I did take the ending in the tent out after MP members commented and said it wasn't a good ending. Now I've come here and people are asking if I make it more resolved... The issue comes with trying to find a way of having an ending that works for most people who have asked for a change.

Thanks Toby. I truly appreciate the time you have taken to have a read and give some feedback.

Cheers,

Dan

Daniel

Not bad for a four pager, there is the kernel of a story here that warrants further development.

DAMON
It's a death trap on Codine!

- Not so sure about this line, reads a bit awkward.

I’m confused as to the geography of events on page 3. Carson runs out into no man’s land, scoops up the girl and ducks in behind rubble. Suddenly, Damon is beside him again. How? It seemed almost too easy, done and dusted in a couple of action lines. Maybe I overestimated the scale of the task on the basis of how you first described the situation but I imagined the Girl was out in a big space .i.e. no man’s land with zero cover from both sides.

“Shouts O.S. stop Damon and Carson. Less than 50 meters away,
two ITALIAN SOLDIERS advance on them.”

- Why did Carson and Damon suddenly decide to stop when the Italian soldier ran at them, shouting, pointing their weapons? That’s three reasons right there why they should have stuck to their plan of getting the fu?k out!

From what I remember of the other scripts I’ve read from you the writing here appears to have improved a lot, far more accomplished and assured. The prose reads well, the visuals are clear (with the exception of the example I gave above) and direct so well done on that.

In keeping with your story construct, how about having Carson and Damon meeting the Italian soldiers head on instead of stopping to hear what they have to say, as you’ve written, which just doesn’t come off as realistic to me. If they meet head on, a Mexican standoff could arise with the Girl literally stuck in the middle. A cliché for sure but more believable then what you’ve got. Carson and Damon turn a corner with the Girl, reckon they are in the clear before the “enemy” suddenly appears, blocking their path, hence it becomes and “us or them” situation.

Regards

Col.

Great suggestion by the Colonel!!!!!

Seriously, have them stand off.  Take your time here.  Work the tension.  The...have him blow their asses away and the lil kid runs to her dead daddy, screaming, "Papa...Papa...no".

For reals...nice!!

Hey Dan,

I thought there was a decent albeit overblown premise here. "War takes its toll" is a most appropriate phrase for your logline; Carson discovering the implications of war is essentially what your story is all about. That's all well and good, not to mention effective for such a short script. I say overblown because there is an abundance of melodrama that doesn't sit well with me. Perhaps this is just my personal taste speaking but as always, I think any reservations I have for a script are thoughts the writer will want to know about.

First off, I've skimmed the previous comments and saw mention of Carson's behavior at the beginning of the script to be unrealistic. That is, it seems his experience has driven him insane. I'd agree with this. I mean, the fact that you're probably killing many a child's father during wartime is one that any given soldier with have to accept at some point. If this had just happened to Carson, I could understand he'd be distraught but month's down the line, I feel like he should have resolved to live with this experience.

Not to say he shouldn't be feeling any remorse. It's sort of inevitable that he would. But the insanity aspect not only feels overblown, it kinda makes Carson look like he doesn't have what it takes to be a soldier. Regardless, I'd dial his state back substantially. It's too much at this point.

Moving along to the actual battle scene, I think you've taken many measures to shove Carson's nobility down the reader/viewer's throat. His buddy's dismissive comments in regards to helping the girl serve to make Carson look better than he is. I didn't like this. I felt it manipulative in a bad way. I'd wager Damon is an ordinary guy like Carson with the same sentiments as an ordinary guy. I imagine he, like, Carson would want to help the girl out as well. He can be resistant, of course, but I hate how callous he comes off, especially when it's meant to puff up another character. It'd be more balanced as well as interesting to see Damon struggle to assist his comrade with this task.

Also, with the girl in the middle of battle and her father on the side of the Italians, wouldn't he want them to cease fire and see if they couldn't get his daughter out of harm's way? Essentially, I think the "enemy" faces the same dilemma as Carson. They should be taking measures to work this out as well. This complicates the scene in a good way and heightens the potential for suspense, pathos, and conflict.

Finally, I agree with the previous two commenters that some kind of stand-off should arise from this. If anything, the girl's father would be pushing harder to save her than Carson. I think there's a potential for a more robust climax and resolution to this story.

So yeah. I think you got something good here. Scale back the melodrama and the manipulation and take advantage of opportunities to complicate and thus enhance the conflict. Hope this helps.

Thanks Col, Jeff (again) and James.

@Col: First off, thanks for having a read. There's nothing I appreciate more than some honest feedback.

The death trap on codine line is going. I've had enough people respond negatively to that one so it won't be there in the next draft.

Quoted from Col I’m confused as to the geography of events on page 3. Carson runs out into no man’s land, scoops up the girl and ducks in behind rubble. Suddenly, Damon is beside him again. How? It seemed almost too easy, done and dusted in a couple of action lines. Maybe I overestimated the scale of the task on the basis of how you first described the situation but I imagined the Girl was out in a big space .i.e. no man’s land with zero cover from both sides.

Aha? My original interpretation of it was that the girl wasn't at all too far from them. The way I imagined it was that she was maybe twenty or so metres away, therefore making the task not that particularly hard, but still something that takes guts. I can still see what you're trying to get at and I hope to make it a lot clearer in the next draft.

Quoted from Col Why did Carson and Damon suddenly decide to stop when the Italian soldier ran at them, shouting, pointing their weapons?

Hopefully to create some sort of tension. It's supposed to be a situation where the Americans are not sure what they should do. Normally, they would probably just shoot them, but I'd imagine the girl has made the situation a little more difficult. Carson may be a little more reluctant to act as he doesn't want to expose her to a violent situation. Having said that, this film is set during war time... She would have seen enough violence anyway. In short, I'm not sure about that one. I'll see what I can do with it.

[qoute=Col] From what I remember of the other scripts I’ve read from you the writing here appears to have improved a lot, far more accomplished and assured. The prose reads well, the visuals are clear (with the exception of the example I gave above) and direct so well done on that. [/quote]

Great! Good to see that my writing has improved after a couple months spent here.

Love the idea about the standoff. I'll see what I can do.

Thanks again Col. Let me know if I can return the favour.

@Jeff: Hoping you're not being sarcastic because I actually like the idea with the standoff. Hope I can make it work. Thanks Jeff. I hope to get in touch with you shortly regarding another script currently in development, if you don't mind. I've been told by another simply scripter that your feedback is priceless when it comes to feature lengths.

@James: Some serious food for thought in that last review, man. Thanks so much.

Quoted from James McClung I thought there was a decent albeit overblown premise here. "War takes its toll" is a most appropriate phrase for your logline; Carson discovering the implications of war is essentially what your story is all about. That's all well and good, not to mention effective for such a short script. I say overblown because there is an abundance of melodrama that doesn't sit well with me. Perhaps this is just my personal taste speaking but as always, I think any reservations I have for a script are thoughts the writer will want to know about.

Good to see you like the premise but have suggested where I can still improve. I completely agree with it being slightly overblown. I wrote most of it the way I would hope the actors would act it out. Maybe on script it doesn't work out well. This sorta thing should be left for interpretation. Your "reservations" are welcome anytime :)

Quoted from James McClung First off, I've skimmed the previous comments and saw mention of Carson's behavior at the beginning of the script to be unrealistic. That is, it seems his experience has driven him insane. I'd agree with this. I mean, the fact that you're probably killing many a child's father during wartime is one that any given soldier with have to accept at some point. If this had just happened to Carson, I could understand he'd be distraught but month's down the line, I feel like he should have resolved to live with this experience.

This is something that keeps popping up on the thread and I'm still not sure which side to take. Some say it's fine, others say it's overdone. While I can understand that soldiers would kill many a child's father in any given day, the difference with Carson is he did it right in front of the little girl. I think that maybe it would hit him harder than just killing a man when he's away from his family. He actually gets to witness his implications on family life and that might be a turning point for him. As for him being driven crazy by it... I think every man has it's limit. There are some men who went nuts when they heard that first shell went off. Others could stay in action without really thinking twice about it. Maybe Carson has reached his limit. This is set in 1944. Carson would have been in action for quite some time. That's just the way I look at it, although I definitely understand where a lot of you guys are coming from. One member said my thoughts perfectly... Who can say where one man's limitations are?

Quoted from James McClung it kinda makes Carson look like he doesn't have what it takes to be a soldier. Regardless, I'd dial his state back substantially. It's too much at this point.

I'm working on amending that. I'm going to make Carson a lot younger. There were a lot of soldiers who believed it was their duty to go out and fight for America. Of course, this wasn't only the case in America. Most teenagers around the world were volunteering to fight for their countries. Carson, to me, was just another naive soldier who wasn't ready for war and it's social implications.

Quoted from James McClung Moving along to the actual battle scene, I think you've taken many measures to shove Carson's nobility down the reader/viewer's throat. His buddy's dismissive comments in regards to helping the girl serve to make Carson look better than he is. I didn't like this. I felt it manipulative in a bad way. I'd wager Damon is an ordinary guy like Carson with the same sentiments as an ordinary guy. I imagine he, like, Carson would want to help the girl out as well. He can be resistant, of course, but I hate how callous he comes off, especially when it's meant to puff up another character. It'd be more balanced as well as interesting to see Damon struggle to assist his comrade with this task.

That was not the intention at all. Although, now that you've suggested it I have an idea that could hint at how naive Carson may have been. Young teens were taught fighting and "doing the right thing" was a noble thing. Perhaps he's only trying to mirror a noble deed. He's trying to do the right thing. Yes, he may be too noble, but that COULD be exactly what the story needs... A tool to show how these kids were brainwashed to the point of being too noble. Adds a little more irony and opens it up before. I know I've taken the complete opposite from what you intended in your notes. I'll see how it works. Maybe send it out to a few people on SS before I post it here again. I can send one to you if you like :)

Quoted from James McClung Also, with the girl in the middle of battle and her father on the side of the Italians, wouldn't he want them to cease fire and see if they couldn't get his daughter out of harm's way? Essentially, I think the "enemy" faces the same dilemma as Carson. They should be taking measures to work this out as well. This complicates the scene in a good way and heightens the potential for suspense, pathos, and conflict.

Both your suggestions and Cole's have given me some great ideas regarding this part. Some killer notes the two have you have given. Priceless.

Thanks to all of you. Your feedback is great and I hope to use most of it with the upcoming re-write.

Cheers,

Dan

Dan, I was not being sarcastic.  I think it's a very good idea that would really enhance this.

Let me know what's up with your feature.

I didn't think you were. Sometimes you can't pick up on sarcasm through writing. I didn't mean to offend. I'm about twelve pages into it, so it will still be a while before I get hold of you. Thanks anyway :)

Quoted from danbotha Let me know if I can return the favour.

- Cheers for the offer, Dan, check out anything on my sig if you want but don't feel obligated. I'll be posting an alternative draft of "Rid of Guilt" soon.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 - Cheers for the offer, Dan, check out anything on my sig if you want but don't feel obligated. I'll be posting an alternative draft of "Rid of Guilt" soon.

No worries. I've promised a few members reads lately and I'm making incredibly slow progress on them. Think I told Greg I'd read his about a week and a half ago ;D. I'll re-bump one of your shorts at random and have a look at the revised draft you mentioned above when it's posted. Be sure to let me know.

Cheers,

Dan