This Program is Not Responding by  David Deacon (Roadrage Dude) - Short, Sci Fi - A dialogue free short feature about a love story between a lonely teenager and his creation. His creation then falls in love with someone else.  26 pages - pdf, format 8)

David,

First off, 26 pages is a bit on the long side for a short. I'd consider cutting this down closer to the 10-15 page range. And, with a mere glance at your first page, you could definitely shorten this.

A (small) issue with your slugs: "INT. JAMES’ BEDROOM. MORNING." should be "INT. JAMES’ BEDROOM - MORNING" (no period after "morning", also.)

Your character aren't introduced properly. Write their name in ALL CAPS the first time we see them on screen.

It's best to name all of your characters, as it adds more realism to the story. It's hard to care about a character named a generic "mom".

This was way overwritten. "His lanky arms stretch out from the duvet and his legs follows foot" and "His posture slightly bent and humbled from the early dawn of light. He yawns and proceeds to start the day as per tradition" for example. Shorten/omit needless words and lines.

Screenplays aren't novels. You only need to tell us things that advance the story, and leave out needless details.

You need a new slug for when he walks out of his room, as well a one for his parents' room. You need a new slug whenever we cut to a new location/room.

You tell instead of show in places. "This is your typical mum" "James walks in, late." How do these translate to film? Only write what we can see on the screen.

A few places, you write dialogue in action lines. Don't do this.

Stay in active voice. Don't write "he gave a goodbye peck to his mother"

Like I said, this was overwritten, Keep sentences to the point, paragraphs short. Only tell us what's important to the story. Does this sentence move the story ahead? Will my script make sense without it? Then cut the sentence.

Sorry if I come across as harsh. That's not my intention, and I hope my notes help. Read more scripts to see how it's done. Good luck on the rewrite.

Will

Hey David.

A dialogue short that's 26 pages long?!  Had to take a look.  Love the parenthesis after the title by the way.

Quite a bit of unfilmables and unnecessary details.  It's a big challenge to write a story with absolutely no dialogues in spite of the few words you put in the action lines, not to mention the numerous moans and grunts.  All you're going off is body language so eliminating the unfilmables may make the story a bit harder to follow.

If this is a route you want to travel, I think it would help to have a voice over from James.  I wouldn't consider it dialogue since he isn't technically talking to anyone and it'll help tilt the scales from the heavy action.  I'm not sure if people frown upon voice overs since it's a bit of a cop out in terms of illustrating what you characters think but with the dialogue handicap, I'm sure they wouldn't mind.

Best of luck David.

Thanks for the comments, I will definitely rewrite this and I accept any criticism. It was frankly, difficult for me to write a script without dialogue but I suppose I wanted to do something different. I also wanted to direct this project with a vision in my mind and of course there is a personal reason why I chose the dialogue-free aspect of the screenplay.

I'm glad it is that long as at least I know I have the ability to write a full length screenplay ha. But nonetheless I will make it brisk and straight to the point!