Bad Moon Over The Barrio by Joe Lewis - Horror - Detective Miguel Ramos joins forces with a friendly Latino vampire to help him rid the Bario of a trio of werewolves who kill local gangbangers for sport. 89 pages - pdf, format 8)

Joe,

I opened this because of the intriguing logline. It promised fun, but at the same time didn't set the highest expectations. Right up my alley.

While the writing itself is fine, it's a bit vague and hard to tell what's going on. The sentences are structurally sound, but you're not descriptive enough for this to be very visual. Sometimes it's so vague things are confusing. What's the Little Killers Gang? What's up with Ramos?

I also assumed your second scene (with all the gangsters) was continuous with the first scene, but I'm not sure. A gangster showed up at the end of the detective scene, but then the ANOTHER BARRIO STREET isn't marked as CONTINUOUS.

You started four lines in a row with "Ramos". "Ramos sits up. Ramos attacks".

Not sure what you mean by "blurred image". You use it twice. At first I thought it was an optical effect-- we see a cloudy image, it clears and we see the guy's face... but now I'm guessing it may mean the shot is out of focus.

Remember to CAP all character names the first time we see them on screen. I caught a few times when you didn't cap the gangstas.

I don't recognize your name, so I'll stop here. I think this definitely has the potential to be a fun, all-out horror flick, but the execution just isn't there yet. Slow down... be more descriptive, but don't go overboard with details.

Hope this helps.

Will

thank you for the kind comments, sir.

You have a cool title and an attention-getting logline, but that’s pretty much it.  I’ve seen this before in Blockbuster. . . years ago when I used to rent super-bad B-horror flicks.  I can visualize everything as if it were on my television, and I’m cringing at the ridiculous dialogue, the terrible SFX.  Your dialogue is so bad, but at the same time, it’s funny.  Like this could have been like a horror spoof or something (and then maybe this would have worked).  On second thought, now I remember the wolf actually speaking, and I think that’s where I gave up.  Work on your characters:  give them real names besides “Hefty Gangsta” or “Chevy Gangsta,” ditch the Keystone cops, and make your L.A. gangs a force to be reckoned with.  They’re stooges -- totally oblivious.  Make them as fierce as this wolf that is taking them -- and their rivals -- out.  It will make the wolf beastlier, and feel like more of a threat.  

you can't please all of the people all of the time.

Hi Joe,

Read your logline and I agree you have some interesting elements there. However the audience has to buy the "stakes" you set up, and then assign their rooting interests accordingly. This holds true for drama, comedy. or even the most bizarre horror-comedy mashup.

As you have the line constructed here? I would root for the werewolves.

AJR

thank you for the interesting perspective ajr.