Fate of Fortune by Dena McKinnon (pale yellow) - Short - A happy-go-lucky teen follows a fortune that changes her life forever.  - pdf, format 8)

Some elements that are not used in the way I anticipated:

1) Bible school: I'm not sure how it fits in. It's a big part of the real estate here, as it's the opening image and significant dialogue is used on it. Is it just to show the girls are nice?

2) the mixing of the fortune cookies: when something like that happens, it should not be random. It should have meaning. And it's a great idea! It can really be used in a story, as the girl wonders the whole time if she got the right fortune, and we wonder at the relevance of these fortunes as events unfold.

3) the influence of the fortune cookie: I would like to see the cookie influence some decision she makes. As it is here, I don't see how it does. One cookie is a prediction that she will end up in a detour. I would rather see that she takes the untraveled road BECAUSE of the fortune.

The other cookie suggests she be compassionate to others. This would be effective if she was shown before this to be the opposite. But she is not. She is a nice Bible school teacher. So the fortune merely confirms what she already is.

In conclusion, there are elements here that are interesting by themselves, but don't seem to be any way connected. That includes the fact that there is no connecting theme.

The Bible school stuff and the fortune cookies do not seem in any way connected to her capture or the manner of her death. In fact, you really could just start the story with her driving down the road and being captured. You see what I am saying? Key elements like the Bible school, the discussion about false prophets, and the fortune cookies can be removed and it wouldn't impact the story. That is a real sign that the story is not cohesive, not really planned out.

The elements are in place to make this interesting, however. Mixed fortune cookies, choosing a road, the possibility of being influenced by reading a fortune. The thing is to construct the story so that all of these elements are ripe with meaning and indispensable to the tale.  

The writing is strong, there is potential for a great story, it's worth working on after you get all the reviews. Good luck!

Thanks Kevin...I will surely clean it up. It was a quick write. And I even went back and tried to make the cookie thing work better but I think I can fix this lil guy up :)

Thank you for the helpful comments!!! I should've put Cowboy Sam in this!

Hey, Dena. Great to see you entered something. :)

Strange script, this one. Not sure what to say. I don't think it really had a clear message, at least I couldn't see one. Was it to have trust in those fortune cookies? Kind of fell flat for me since I didn't really understand it.

I also didn't understand the frail old woman in the basement, what did she mean when she passed her the fortune paper?

I suppose I'm just being picky here. For 6 pages, it wasn't bad but it was lacking for me.

My grade - C+. :)

You guys ....I admit...I sort of bombed this one...but I will fix it up :) promise :)

Sorry :) I had my own lil ONE DAY challenge for three days :) and this was Day ONE :)

Dena,

I took away from the story that a you should put your trust in God and not fortune cookies, but any way you slice, it's the same outcome. As the ending was happening, I started feeling short of breath. I don't know if it was the change in gears or Beta's bad luck, but you for sure got me twisted. I had a good time reading this.

Johnny

That was very dark, Dena.  

It was well written but a bit dense at times.  Try to be a bit more sparing in your descriptions.  I know I keep saying that (and I'm not perfect at it either) but it's something every screenwriter should be aware of.  

I liked this but I think it had an issue with the protags despair being so drawn out.  Add more suspense before you take us on that tortured journey.

Well done for an OWC.  

Hey it's the Dena Show

I can't write one and so far you've knocked out two :D awesome

Once again very well wrote, but this time a lot more confusing... I agree with Kevin with the bible school at the start, it had nothing to do with the rest of the story, maybe character building.

The lesson I got from this was that you shouldn't drive and crack open fortune cookies at the same time. :D

Mark

Yeah Mark....I knocked out three last week BUT none of them are any *smile* but I needed to write...and the owc always gets me writing.

Thanks for reading :)

Damn...so far these are all extremely dark, depressing scripts!  WTF?  It's Christmas, for God's sake.

Dena, this is quite brutal.  In that regard it totally works.  This is what I call playing for reals in horror.  No punches are pulled.

Writing-wise, it's OK, but I can tell it was most likely really rushed.  I'm sure you know there are a number of mistakes.

But, as I think Mo said, it is confusing at times and that's because you tried to direct so many of the shots and action, once Beta gets taken.  It's always difficult and when you write quickly, doing this successfully usually doesn't happen.

I think Michael is also right in what he says about the density here.

And finally, I totally agree with Kev, and for me, it's the biggest mistake or problem.  I don't have a problem with the Bible school opening, however, I do agree it could be much better utilized.  

The prophecy had zero to do with anything, unless I totally missed something.  I just don't see anything but effective brutality and horror...but, few can deliver like this, so I am actually impressed.

I'm hoping for a nice Christmas tale that's happy, joyous and bright soon.   ;D ;D ;D

Quoted from Dreamscale I'm hoping for a nice Christmas tale that's happy, joyous and bright soon.   ;D ;D ;D

This was not a Christmas OWC...

Btw, mine was not dark. It had the nice guy winning $82 million...

Hi Dena -

I agree with the others.  This was oddly dark lol.  I didn't mind how it turned out, it took by surprise actually.  

Obviously well written.  I do like your writing style - flawless, at least in my perspective.  I also appreciate how you tend to come up with and submit something for these OWCs even when you're busy :)

I do think there should be more suspense in the fortune cookie scene - maybe a will she/won't she type of bit.  My only complaint, and this is just me nitpicking, is that I didn't buy Beta nor her friend Monet as 16yr old's.  They didn't talk or come across as 16yr olds. Sorry, I didn't buy it and I don't know why it bothered me LOL.

I appreciate your work and I'll read anything from you... I actually think I see another piece from you in this batch. Onto that one... :)

ONEY

Thanks Oney ;)

I am on your Willie12 day after Xmas...when things calm down around here!

Appreciate the feedback ....Happy Xmas to ya!

Quoted Text I am on your Willie...when things calm down around here

You go, girl!

ha ha :) not like that....Kev!!

Hi Dena,

Well written for a OWC. Dark? Yes, but I liked it. I guess my only gripe to your story is why would a frail old woman have anything to do with kidnapping, rape and murder. Maybe if you decide to do a rewrite you could expand on the old woman's character a bit.

Either way, congrats! Another solid job Dena!

- Dirk

Thanks Dirk..this one needs a rewrite ...will do soon..thanks for the input appreciate the read ;)

WELCOME TO THE DARK SIDE!

Not sure what I just read. Interesting images connected by a thin story. I liked it but had a bunch of questions. Then I realized sometimes shit just happens. I’m interested in seeing where you take this one.

Gary

Dena, just read this one.

As usual, the writing is great.

I had some issues with the story however.

First off, I don't think the beginning sets up the right tone for what is to come. The beginning, before she sees the Frail Woman, everything is light and wonderful. Therefore it feels disjointed when suddenly we have rape and murder. Wrong set-up for the mind, if you know what I mean.

Didn't really think the church and Monet had anything to do with the story really. It works without both. All Beta really needs is the fortune cookies. The first fortune about taking the road less traveled happened, but the second fortune never came into play. Maybe that was supposed to be Monet's fortune, but I think it would work better and more ironic if the second fortune is something that actually happens as well.

I didn't really get the point of the Frail Woman. I understand that she's the bait, but why is she kept in the cellar chained up? Would work better if she works with the killer. Maybe she's his twisted mother or something.

The ending to me was way too close to that found footage film I can't remember the title of right now, but it ends the same way with the girl being buried alive in a plastic drum. If you haven't seen it, check it out. Pretty gruesome film. It's mentioned in the Recommended on NetFlix thread somewhere. In that film, the killer is never shown either.

I also think we need to know just a little bit more about why this killer does what he does. What are his motives? Right now, he's just someone who catches a girl, f's her once and then kills them. The only motive there that I can see is that he was horny. Dig deeper into his character. Give us a glimpse into his psycho personality.  :)

Yeah I pooped this thing out in like an hour ..two tops...it's shit. Sorry....but the owc got me writing again ...that's all I wanted.

Sorry to put you guys through my writing workshop but appreciate the reads.

Megan Is Missing is the name of that film.  :)

oh yes...recommended to me by Jefff Bush a while back :)

Yeah, I was actually going to say this reminded me of that.  maybe it was an influence???

Most definitely I told you my ending was a tribute to Megan :) lol

Very, VERY dark!!!!!

Sorry ...was in a very very dark mood lately :) back to sunny though :) I won't bury anyone in a box anytime soon :) promise.

Hey Dena,

Wow! Another one, looks like you've stolen some of Popeye's spinach! ;D

As always, the writing here is fine and I was never tripped up but the story although dark (not surprising from you) and quite twisted was lacking by the end.

I was waiting for some twist to come into play, maybe the reveal of the killer as Mr. Chan or some relation to the fortune cookies from earlier but nothing happened. Beta was just buried and that was that.

This obviously just left me with lots of questions so I went back through the feedback to make sure that I hadn't missed anything but it appears that most peeps are on the same page with this one.

I think Kev summed it up best in his review.

I was a little puzzled by the ages of these girls - was they really supposed to be 16? They talked and acted a lot older but what do I know really, it's not like I hang around with many teenagers and maybe they do talk and act like this.

Well written but the story was water-thin. It certainly has potential if you could tie some elements of the overall plot to together like the Frail Woman, Bible School and most importantly - the fortune cookies and how this affects Beta's journey.

Happy New Year.

Hey Dena,

I read it a while ago but never commented as we were on a trip and I would have to write from phone which is never fun.

I liked it but it felt short for me. I think the reason is - I don't see a real connection of your main girl's misfortune to the fortune cookie and her thoughts about the fortune cookie. It would feel more complete if she didn't do something she planned just because of the cookie and the telling which in return got her in trouble. Or maybe I missed something?

Nonetheless, I thought it was a good job for an OWC.

I read this very quickly and thought the writing itself was fine, especially given the speed at which it was produced. But the story itself took way too quick a dark turn for my taste. It was like Quentin Taratino had suddenly taken over direction of a Mike Nichols film. But impressed you could crank out something like that so quickly.

Thanks again...was going on a month of not writing anything...and was in a dark mood...kinda shown through in my writing ;)

Will do better when I clean this up :) Swear!

Dena, this was a grim story.

I glanced over the previous comments after reading and agree that the opening with the bible school didn't play too much in to the story.  I understand why you included it though.

When Beta, strange name by the way, is taken I was thinking something good would come out of it....no, I was wrong.

Well written and a decent tale but I was expecting something to happen at the end but it didn't, not a bad thing though.

Dena  

Page by page notes

“Fake jade decorations. Cheap tables and chairs. A pale
yellowish Koi swims a fish tank.”

- Love this description, simple yet totally does what it supposed to do. Great example of economical writing. I know exactly the kind of place you talk about.

Since Chan’s is indicated to be their regular eatery, do you not think their diverging opinions on fortune cookie prophesies would’ve been a topic of conversation long before now? After all, you do give the impression they are friends since childhood on the basis of the opening dialogue. This sacrilegious bone of contention would’ve been tackled long ago!

“The Ford slows, then takes -- the road less traveled.”

- No big deal but the underlining is unnecessary here and somewhat patronising. Treat the reader with a little more respect  ::) ;)

A line of dialogue or just a description of Beta’s reaction to the detour sign, appearance of the broken down van and Frail Woman wouldn’t go amiss here. She‘s just after reading the fortune cookie so the superstitious cogs should be going overdrive in her head!

“She lies statuesque.”

- Maybe it’s just me but I always associate the term “statuesque” (which I love by the way) as someone upright, imposing, solid. Not a girl lying on her stomach having just been raped.

The Frail Woman is suitably unsettling, adds a dimension of unnerving depravity to the scene.

“Mentally and physically mush, she’s pulled off the box.
She is forced inside.

“She fights but what energy she has left is mostly spent.”

- This doesn’t read well, perhaps change it too this with different spacing:

“Mentally and physically spent/exhausted, Beta is pulled off the box.”

“The lid is removed.”

“She feebly fights back in her weakened state as she’s forced inside”

Not brilliant and takes up an extra two lines but an improvement I reckon.

BETA
(trembling voice)
Please. I’ll be good. Just let me
out’a here.

-A strange thing to say “I’ll be good” I’m probably reading too much into it but it comes off like this has happened to her before, maybe she comes from a strict, abusive (presumably overtly religious) family. Ties into her devout character and that whole catholic guilt complex.

The shovel digs an earthen void.

- I love the phrase “earthen void”.

“Adrenaline kicks in. She BEATS on the wooden crate. Sobs.”

BETA
PLEASE! Get me out’a here! Please!
Oh God! Help! Can anybody hear me!

- I aint never been buried alive so what do I know but I’d imagine the “freaking out” stage would be the immediate reaction of someone in this situation. As opposed to the pleading, reasoning Beta of the scene prior.

Purely a practical question, but could one person carry an occupied coffin into a forest? There appears to be only one unseen man (at least who rapes her anyway) and the Frail Woman…and she’s not gonna be much help in the heavy lifting department!

“The shovel stops. An hole about three feet deep, six feet
long awaits.”

- Might sound better if you changed this to:

“The shovel stops. A hole about three feet deep, three more to go.”

The Frail Woman, as I said, gave the already horrible scene that sharpened edge of weirdness but who is she? Is she supposed to symbolise someone or something? And why did she drop the fortune cookies into Beta’s hand? Was that just nasty improvisation (finding them while searching the car and deciding they’d be good for added effect) or is some evil pre-knowing spirit at work here, embodied in this Frail Woman?

We know “the road less travelled” prophesy came through in the most horrendous way imaginable but was there something to the other prophesy that played a part or was it merely signifying a polar opposite to the events that unfolded?

Ok, I must be missing something, and I don’t mean to be blunt but was the point or theme here? A poor Christian girl gets kidnapped, raped and buried alive because she took stock or entertained the idea of a fortune cookie prophesy. Is that it? Nothing more than “isn’t life cruel” or worse, overwrought, ham fisted Christian propaganda.

Or…there is some sub-textual layer lying beneath the surface which, after two reads, is still beyond my comprehension. The notion of inescapable fate maybe, in that once you have chosen, for want of a better phrase, to follow a certain path, it’s your unavoidable destiny.

Correct me if I’m way off the mark here, Dena and I realise you’re working within the constraints of the challenge but I’m curious to hear what your intentions were with this.

Col.

Col.

I know it sucked. Just was in a writing slump and needed to write. And the challenge got me writing even if it was total crap :) I was in a very dark place. Life goes on.

Thanks for the review. I'll do better next time, promise.

Write on. Rock on! ;)

You don't have to be so harsh on yourself, at least it got you back on the writing wagon. See it as a stepping stone towards your magnum opus!

I like harsh :) Yesterday after reading your review....I went and reworked it from page one. So just waiting on Don to post it :) I value any review ...harsh as it may be because it makes me better.

Infact, I went back and rewrote two of my old shorts yesterday! So it's reviews like this that make me strive to do better. I was really in a writing slump for a while. I"m back now though.

And all we can do is keep trying and getting better. Cheers mate :)

Dena's writing slump equates to only writing 60 pages of 2 separate features in a week's time.

Very funny Jeff :)

I know I write fast but that is a stretch don'tcha think :) haha Write with the speed of the wind...if I would just slow the heck down ...I wouldn't have to rewrite every single script two or three times!