The Shine by Moonwalker McKinnon - Short - When a prostitute is accused of murdering her pimp and destined for death, can she possibly beat her fate? - pdf, format 8)

Hey that wasn't bad for an OWC.  Good tone and quite visual.  You certainly told the story you were trying to tell effectively.  

The only suggestion I have is that you try to edit your language a bit to make the action more terse.

Good job.  

Moon Walker,

I thought this was very good. I liked the limited number of characters, the bolded slugs (there I said it) and the spin on a common prostitute meets the dark man. Excellent atmosphere. I'd suggest a different word here and there. If you were going for a film noir type narrative that's what I got. Nicely done.

Gary

Some nice images here, very fluent writing.

Should there be a super though, at the start? Is this set in the 30's? If so, you need a date super.

Hey Moonraker

I like the improvements to the first draft. That works much much better now. Good work for sure.

Hey, Moonwalker. Strange script, had a cool vibe to it.

Not much to say really. Liked the dark atmosphere. The ending didn't do it for me but maybe I'm asking myself too many questions instead of taking in the story.

My grade - B. :)

Thanks for reading and the advice on this one. I wrote it pretty quick...and it had a lil more going on in it that I had planned....

Michael...yeah it got kinda talky...I'll trim it up *where is my hatchet* :)

Gary...I super love bold slugs too :)

Super Stevie?? Hmmm maybe. Will consider. ;)

Thanks a ton guys ;) had a great time writing this.

It had a noir vibe to it . Economical use of action lines. I liked it.

I've grown to use the bold slugs as well. I've seen it used in more and more spec scripts - some even use bold and underline. It's a visual thing for me as it helps me spot the slugs better when I'm skimming through a script.

Hey Dena

Nicely wrote, flowed very well, I love how you knock these scripts out with ease.

Maybe I'm not awake yet, but where was the justice in the stripper taking the rap? Is Barabas some kind of fallen Angel, eased her pain, but in turn let her die for her own sins... Maybe i'm over thinking it.

I did notice one major flaw though MACGARVEYS IRISH PUB.... MAC Is Scottish MC is Irish :D:D:D

Mark

Hi Dena, or err, moon walker.

Actually we should for the next OWC give ourselves big names . I could be Zeus slayer.

A script with prostitutes, and a dead pimp, has to be one of yours.

I wasn't sure whether it was the shine, as a drug, or the bloke who causes it. You have two things going on.

Otherwise a good read for one week.

Thanks Bill :) To be honest I just loved the name The Shine :) I tried to make it work but it fell short but I still love the title :) now if I can just write something to fit it haha

Missed an entry from you!! WRITE ON :)

Dena the machine delivers yet another OWC script!  damn, girl...

Well...can't say that I really get it or even see much that has to do with a prophecy.

I do like the core idea, but as is, it doesn't do much or make much sense.  Also, just too much going on and way too much time covered in a little 10 page short.

As I always tell you, your writing has come so far.  For me, personally, I see alot here I don't like, though - the many asides, the overwriting and over describing, the directing of the shots, which almost always adds confusion, as opposed to clarity.

You choose to deliver feelings and tone by using very thick, dense writing, and I don't subscribe to that thought process, but I bet alot of peeps do enjoy it.

But, damn, you can whip them out.  I used to whip it out all the time...oh wait...sorry, wrong connotation.   ;D ;D

Merry Christmas Eve!!!

Dena, I enjoyed your writing here. Some descriptions and aside could be cut, but over all, I enjoyed your writing. Some typos too... I'm sure you'll find them when you read it again.

The story was IMHO, a different matter. It didn't really work for me. I had a lot of questions like, if she doesn't drink, why go to a bar? What good does Barnabas do? As far as I can see, he killed someone and that ended up putting Monica in the electric chair... I didn't really see the point in that. Other than things like that, I think you did a good job.  8)

Pia...

Sort'a bombed both of these but over the last month...been having some issues and just needed to write so it was just words on paper and guess nothing made much sense....

Thanks for the read :)

You did well. I just pointed out some of the issues I had with it. Your script got you back to writing so that makes it a win win.  :)

Hey Dena,

Good writing, an excellent dark tone, great characters but…

I didn’t get it! Sorry. Obviously just me because I seem to be the minority here.

What was Barnabas all about? I honestly thought he was going to be some saving grace but Monica ended up in the electric chair in the end. I guess on the other hand he could be considered some false prophet of a better life and that is what he offers people.

If that is the case then this needs to be better established in that opening exchange – did Monica actually ask him to kill Cain? I thought she played it well or you did the author by making her likeable with the whole “who am I to judge” and giving money to bum even though she’s short of a buck.

I guess I wanted a happier ending but what did I expect from you…birds tweeting and our protag walking away into the sunset! ;D

You’re normally an author who does deliver the more bittersweet ending.

Not bad but I didn’t follow it if I completely honest. This is probably more on my part though.

Great work for an OWC.

Okay read it.

As far as the writing I like it. As others have pointed out it gives me a solid "Noir" vibe. Nicely done.

The story is somewhat confusing. Thats okay, confusing can be good to and you can always do something with it in re-write if you want.

As CoopBazinga asked, who is this Barnabas? What is this "Shine" stuff? Is there more going on here than meets the eye? Again mysteries can be great. Maybe you can make it more like "Lost"? Add even more mystery! Either way good job IMO.

HGW