Heavenly Hug by John Robbins (oJOHNNYoNUTSo) - Short - The son of a toilet paper legend enlists an odd man to help keep the family business. - pdf, format 8)

Just finished your script John. Got a couple of chuckles out of it. Especially in the beginning. Once Mitch was introduced however, it went downhill, IMHO.

One of the biggest issues with this script is that it was confusing and we didn't get to know any of the characters.

Why would Leonard give his company to his 20 year old son? Surely he would have other better qualified people that could run it instead of Ty?

I never got what Mitch's deal was. A lot about him, I didn't understand. The head explosion thing for example...

I must be stupid, but I don't understand this sentense.  Leonard walks to the window and stares down skyscrapers at parade rest.

You could just write LATER on page two since the location didn't change. With a whole new slug, I thought we had moved to another office. Not that you did anything necessary wrong, but it would have been more simple with a LATER.

Would a 16 year old girl call a man in his 40s with bifocals, Hun? Hard to imagine.

Lots of "Oh My Gosh" in this script...

Anyway, not a bad effort for a OWC. My suggestion would be to get rid of some of the characters and give more depth to the ones you keep. There are some comedic parts in this script. I'd like to see even more of that. Simplify the plot.

Hi John

I made it to the end.

John, most if not all of OWC scripts have serious problems. Most of us are here to learn how to write, so that's just the nature of the beast.

Most of your writing here is clean and clear. The thing about scripts, though, is that unless you are a famous writer, if a reader gets to any WTF type moment in the read, he's going to stop.

For me the big WTF was the stuff about the head and face blowing off. I actually took the time to go back and reread the whole thing carefully from the beginning. And I must be a complete idiot, because I have absolutely no idea what that is about. I hope you please check in ASAP and let me know. Because I hate being in the dark, I really do. What is that about? It was driving me crazy in the story, and it kept popping up.

I have to admit,  though I read the whole story carefully, and though the writing is pretty decent, I really don't understand it. I usually like to give constructive comments, but I really can't because I can't figure what you are trying to do here. The fault is probably on my end, I can be a poor reader.

I promise to check back for your explanation of the story, and maybe I can help more then.

Don't be discouraged by my comments. I'm just a bartender.

Thanks for the read Pia and Kevin,

Don't try to stress out to much about Mitch, I wouldn't want your heads to blow up! Hahaha! Mitch is by far the most random character I have ever imagined. When he said, "I heard my head will blow up", I guess it's Mitch's way of communicating to Ty that he thinks he's great. I dunno, it's supposed to be silly.

I really wanted Mitch to be completely obssesed with Heavenly Hug toilet paper, enough to make him kill, so it never loses it quality.

Leonard died of a heart condition and Ty took over the company. It was a father-son thing I guess. I'm thrilled the script is getting the WTF treatment, but I'm little bummed it took away from the story. Thanks for sticking with it!

Johnny

Hey, John, thanks for getting back,

This is why every single word in your script should be there for a well thought out reason. If the writer himself can not answer the question 'why is it there?', you can imagine the problems this can cause with a reader.

And it can really be unfortunate, because you might have the greatest film scene in history later in the script, but you've possibly lost the reader's attention, so he might miss it.

Make sure everything in the script is there for a well thought out reason. Good luck!

Wow ;) quite unique. Weird characters ...even though I didn't care for them  much. Some good WTF moments though like picks up the TP and pets it like a kitten :)

I didn't get or like the 'head explodes' comments....and you ended with looking for my face...hmmm what a psycho :) with a TP fetish. Crazy.

Kudos for Taco Tuesday slug but omg when that nut lunged at the worker and said spit your gum dumb dumb...omg

Hmmm...it was 'ok' ...I like the weirdness and the quirkiness of this little piece good enough. Good job.

Hey John,

There were things I really liked about this script and things I didn't.  

What I liked was the random, surreal, Get Smart sort of feel to it.   I actually like the head blowing up thing, delivered by the right person it could be quite funny.

What I didn't like about this script was that it was somewhat confusing and a bit drawn out - comedies like this need to have especially snappy scenes.   I'm not sure where the prophecy comes in but I suspect it's the monotone recording.

Overall good work for an OWC.  

Lol, not bad, John. I chuckled a few times, this was fun and I actually liked the WTF moments.

Mitch was a great character, loved that ending btw.

The story was a little too simple though. Like Michael said, there weren't any snappy scenes. A faster pace would've been good here.

My grade - B-. :)

Hey john,

Well that was different. I liked the Mitch character, until I got to the end. There was something dark and sinister about him, random and unpredictable, but the why seemed lacking. So in the end we are more left with a collection of events.

All the best

Hey John

The good news, this is my favorite so far... the bad news, this is the first one I've read :)
It's good to see another "Mitch" in an OWC ( I had one last Feb)

So the story was twisted enough to keep me intrigued til the end, obviously Mitch has some kind of disorder that sets him off. Screaming at the girl in Taco tuesdays got me off guard but in a good way. Kind of set his character up.

Setting your script up in a toilet paper factory is unusual, but props for creativity

It's got a few errors in it, but overall you got a script out.. so congrats

Mark

What I liked: The unique setting which hooked me enough to open it up and check it out. Some good lines to take advantage of the setting, such as "People wipe their... but I wipe mine with their money..."

What I didn't like: I didn't get the head explosion thing. I thought it was a joke. Some formatting issues, like the 'one year later,' which should have been a super as the audience would not know it's one year later. There was a phone conversation on page 7 - maybe use Intercut here?

Good job on finishing the script.

OK John, as I go notes...

Page 1 - Not well written.  Way overwritten.  Poor dialogue.

Page 2 - WTF?  No clue what's going on here or why...

Page 3 - Uhhh...

Page 4 - OK, I'm out.  Sorry, but this isn't working for me at all and I am completely clueless on many lines.

Quoted from Dreamscale OK John, as I go notes... Page 1 - Not well written.  Way overwritten.  Poor dialogue. Page 2 - WTF?  No clue what's going on here or why... Page 3 - Uhhh... Page 4 - OK, I'm out.  Sorry, but this isn't working for me at all and I am completely clueless on many lines.

Page 5 - Maybe it's not so bad...

Page 6 - ...Definitely out.

Hahaha! Oh well, I'm sure one day I'll get it right. Thanks for trying!

Johnny

Hey John,

Others have pointed out some character and story issues and I can only agree – was a bit confused at times and didn’t quite understand the whole set-up to this one to be honest.

Things like how Mitch knew about all this future stuff – guess he’s some kind of prophet tying in with the challenge.
Why was it the year 2000? What people have said about your head blowing off? Why do they have to sell the company to two Germans? Random things I guess but these questions mixed with some awkward writing did make some of this confusing.

But the good news I did enjoy the Mitch character – loved his wacky style and I liked how kept playing this card throughout. One of best things in this script has to be the poor German fella who walks out of the toilet only to be wrapped up in toilet paper like a mummy with a confused look on his face – now you don’t read something like that every day. Really gave me a laugh.

I won’t say that I was overly convinced with the story but I wouldn’t mind see more of Mitch Riddle in another little tale.

Good effort, buddy.

John,

What on earth did I just read? This was one of the most surreal, bizarre scripts I think I have ever read, haha. And coming from me, that really is something, considering I like to think myself as a totally bizarre and random person.

I really can't work out if I like this, or don't.

Anyway, here were some running notes I took as I was reading:

Page 1- “A roll of toilet paper with an American flag pattern is the centerpiece of a modern table.” What do you mean by a modern table?

Leonard: “Ty, sign the damn thing and you can go do whatever you do, whenever you do it.” This reads really awkwardly.

Ty: “No problem. All I gotta do is sign this and one day I’ll take your place as king of the turd tickets.” This was really on-the-nose.

Page 2- “Leonard walks to the window and stares down skyscrapers at parade rest.” I don’t really know what that means, to be honest.

Haha, someone’s head explodes? What’s that line about?

Page 4- “He wears a proper suit and a stylish cut with a slick part.” Really awkward line. What is a proper suit? And he can’t wear a haircut, can he?

“Seated around the table is Bob, GRETCHEN (43) and ASSOCIATES.” Should be “Bob, GRETCHEN (43) and ASSOCIATES sit around the table.” It’s less passive.

I actually chuckled at the whole throw it in scene.

I didn’t like the scene with Mitch at the Taco place. It was a bit annoying.

And you don’t need to keep on going back and forth between the scenes. You can simply write:

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. PARKINSON INDUSTRIES - OFFICE – DAY

And then go on writing the scene.

Jesus, Mitch killed that guy?! Haha, I was not expecting that. I would have made Ty’s response when Mitch tells him he’s dead, more humorous.

I didn’t like Mitch’s last line: “Can help me look for my face real quick?”


Overall, I thought this was better written that your Mermaid script. The writing as a whole was less awkward. The action lines read better, and the dialogue was more natural.

However, I was similarly confused when I finished this, as I was when I finished the Mermaid script! And that made it feel like the story wasn't properly resolved.

What was Mitch's motivations? (Okay, he said he likes the TP, but I think we need stronger motivation to his actions, or the motivation established earlier). How did he know all the stuff about the Germans? Why were the Germans going to take over the company? What the hell was all the exploding head stuff about?

I did, actually, enjoy the script as a whole though. It was so bizarre and surreal, and made me chuckle a few times as well. If you put a couple more laugh-out-loud moments in, made the script a bit less confusing/ resolve it slightly better, and take out the taco scene, and I think that I would have actually really enjoyed this.