Twinkle Twinkle by Bill Sarre (Reef Dreamer) - Short, Comedy - Deep in space, the relationship between a geeky astronaut and his loyal computer, is sorely tested by the most deadly of foes - a power cut.  Producer Note; One Actor, One location. - pdf, format 8)

Hey Bill,

This was an enjoyable little read you have here. Real quick and cleanly written.

Some of the joke were a little on the nose but several of them made me laugh too, so good job buddy.

Shawn.....><

Bill,

An entertaining read with solid writing. A little hit and miss on the one liners for me, but that’s subjective.

I like the twist in the computer being the one dependent on the human for company -- though I’d say the build-up to Petal’s ‘reboot’ felt a little too quick to develop the bond between these two. Perhaps a time lapse or other device to build on that could give Petal’s desperation at the end a bit more weight.

p.3. (Like a reluctant teenager) -- perhaps just ‘reluctant’ would be simpler.

The Martians/laundry line and Petal's closing line worked for me.

Nicely done.

Happy new year.

Steve.

Hey Shawn, Steve

Thanks for the read. Sorry I hadn't chimed in sooner, currently away with the kids with limited wifi.

As you can imagine it was an MP script. I wasn't going to post this but then thought, why not, it's just a bit of fun. Seemed to divide readers for some reason, either loved it or hated it, but that's comedy for you.

Have a good new year.

Hey Bill,

Always happy to check out your work and this one had it's moments but I have to admit that a lot of the one-liners fell flat with me.

That doesn't mean much though in the long run, how does the old saying go "Comedy is subjective" so others will love this.

I like the whole stuck in a pod scenario and think that Petal and Jim played off well against one another. Jim very much reminded me of Lister from Red Dwarf with the whole "getting chucked of the ship" for an irritable bowel. Maybe that was an influence here?

I can't think of a way to improve this unless you changed genre and went down the loneliness in space route and man having to connect with a machine or vice versa.

It's well-written and read very fast which is always nice - no complaints in that department from me.

Nice one.

Happy New Year. :)

Hey Bill,

This was a very neatly written short. As stated before me, some of the jokes didn't hit me as well as they might hit others, and I enjoyed the fact that it was Petal who sought acknowledgement from Jim as opposed to vice versa, which seems the obvious route upon reading the logline.

The only grammatical error that I could find was on page two, wherein "under estimate" is supposed to be one word.

Twinkle Twinkle was an easy read to get through, and I have little complaints considering that you seemed to have accomplished the light comedy you were going for. As is known, comedy is subjective, so while somebody might read this and be unable to respond from having drowned their keyboard in tears of laughter, none of the lines (save for possibly the one about increased laundry) particularly hit the mark for me. Again though, this was a greatly written piece that held my attention the entire time.

Hey Bill, I really liked this one.  The "humanness" of Petal wasn't really what I was expecting and it was a nice surprise.  Nicely written short little piece had me laugh once or twice.  Feel bad for that computer, ha.

Gage

Bill, I liked this.  It kind of reminded me of 'Moon' with the setting you laid out at the start but it soon became apparent that this was a bit less serious.

I thought some of the jokes were funny but I couldn't help thinking that the Petal, being a computer, would talk more unnatural.  I liked how it actually became quite sad at the end even when the humor remained.

A nice little story.

Hey Tendai, gage, Alffy, Steve

Thanks for checking this out.

I agree that with a little more time a few bits could be improved but I doubt I will revise it as it was just a simple little skit. Mind you, I seem to learn lessons every time I write and post, which just goes to remind me not to be slack - usually when it's too late!!

Cheers

Folks.

Hey Bill!

Great to see new pages from you.
And right around your birthday to boot! ;D

LOL. Right off I dig the blanky and teddy.
Very Douglas Adams or Doctor Who of you. ;)

Finished.
I like the overall back and forth.
The relationship does feel fairly Adamsesque.
I wasn't laughing through this.
But I certainly smiled through most of it. :)

I'd recommend reducing the gross out jokes.
Minimize the focus on the gag joke back and forthness of the piece.

Consider creating a "mini mission" for your characters.
THEN let those jokey quirks come out "under fire".
I think that philosophy will enhance your piece.

Hope this helps.
Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Thanks Brett

I thought i would let this one drift off the portal as its just a bit of fun, nothing too serious, and then you pop it right back there!!

Thanks for the read.

It does have an Adam's feel to it - a quirky bunch drifting around space. I liked the idea of being able to use the computer as part buddy,  part butler, even part romantic interest - cant really get away with that in a normal character.

probably needs a few more pages to trun this into anything and to be honest i have different plans for 2013

cheers

A nice little tale you've got here, Bill.

I enjoyed it, some really subtle humour here.

One thing I'd like to mention is basically the talking heads. With two people, usually it isn't that bad. But here, it just doesn't feel natural to me. I just can't really imagine a computer screen with a camera on top, looking at a sleeping guy for 4 minutes. A little more action would benefit the script IMO.

Besides that, not bad. :)

Hi mo,

Hope you're keeping well. Nearly the month end for the movie poet comp, I think you entered, which always interesting to see what people made on that months effort.

Thanks for the read of twinkle, i almost missed it.

I agree that with once the bloke is asleep, the computer talking to the guy can't go on for too long. Maybe it's too much for some, but as written it is only just over two pages so maybe if filmed right it could work.

It's a funny thing comedy - no pun intended- but it really is a personal thing, some work, some dont, however, i like trying them as each time i write one I learn a bit more.

Cheers

This was a cute read, but I'm not sure where you were going with it, Reef.  If you were going anywhere at all.  I get the impression that you ended it when you ran out of jokes.

The premise is a good one and I laughed at some of the jokes (who doesn't laugh at I.B.S.?)  I think the script would work better, however, if Petal wasn't so human.  Make her more logical and less emotional.  She could be the perfect straight man.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Thanks Phil

As many may have guessed this was a movie poet entry. Theme - you have to have a power cut. I was trying to think of where this could be difficult and space seemed a good one.

Also five page limit so not much to play with.

At MP the reaction was polarised. 20% excellent but 27% fair (nearly bottom) so they liked or hated it.

I could have had petal as a little more computer like, but i thought it would be good  to have it start off all officious, like a butler, only to have the emotion pour out as the deadline approached.

I decided to post it here as

1] cheap and easy to film

2] whilst not my best, i feel that i learn each time exposed to feedback, so why not.

Thanks

IS IN PRODUCTION...

even if i didn't know about it! Well, i do now.

Of all the scripts i have under consideration i wouldn't have expected Twinkle to be the first to be produced, even if a basic high school student production.

So, time for a little short that doesn't include killing, death or strange dark creatures, but instead a computer talking to a man asleep in bed, whilst deep in space.

Does cinema get any better than that (don't answer)??

A link to the work in progress is;

http://youtu.be/NfKg5c6Lz54

Still cool to have it filmed.  Congratulations on that!  Keep us up to date.

:D

I'm taking a very short break from loglines to say "Well done, Bill!"

Twinkle Twinkle got an excellent from me back on MP, so I'm looking foreward to seeing the film version.  I was disappointed to see my casting of Seth Rogan and
Jonah Hill fell through, but these guys look capable enough.  
Hopefully, the director's mom is cool and will allow him to use the F bomb.

Again, congrats, Bill.  

Dave

Nice going, Bill!

I'm sure their interpretation will be intriguing! ;D
Spinning that early season Red Dwarf vibe lo-fi vibe works!

Best of luck with the otherwordly endeavor!

Regards,
Brett

Nice one Bill

Mark

I liked it.  Not much of a review here, sorry.
I didn’t find anything that stuck out as bad writing.
I laughed at the jokes.  I thought it was cute.

If anything, I guess I agree with Phil on making Petal less emotional.

Thanks folks.

One point to note is that this is going to be a very basic production, no awards in view. But nice all the same to see how someone else uses your words to make soemthing.

I will post a link if they finsih it.

Hey Bill,

Congrats mate.

It's good to see one of your stories being produced.

Good stuff! :)

Hi Bill, really enjoyed this. Simple and cute and actually surprisingly I felt for petal at the end :P
I liked that petal was emotional.

One question, does Petals voice sound robotic? That was the only thing I didn't like, no description of the voice. Or maybe I missed it?

congrats on getting this produced!!!

-Gavin

Hey Steve and Gaviano

Thanks for the comments. Thanks for the read Gav, glad you liked.

Re voice - actually a sound point and one that i hadnt really thought of until I saw the clip of the filming of this and thought, that's not what I had in mind, but then, what did I have in mind?

I was more lost in the tone of voice, starting with a butler type manner, distant and condescending,  going to angry friend/colleague and ending up with an exposed, desperate love interest. A somewhat confused sexuality, but then it is a computer.  I hope they get this across and not have a monotone voice, there really needs to be emotion in the words. Time will tell.

Bill

I love the idea here and was instantly interested to see where you would go with it. This is the kind of high concept, low production value (a good FX guy and your sorted) scripts that get picked up, perfectly suited for the short form.

PETAL
--Jim! You know perfectly well,
you're the only human in this
space, err, pod. Remember? You were
removed from the actual space ship.
Mind you, it really wasn't the
place for Irritable Bowel.

- Is Petal cut off in mid sentence here by Jim? If so, I world replace the full stop with two hyphens to indicate this.

PETAL
And I told you, I really don't feel
comfortable having to whisper like
a sexually aroused Nun.

- This feels a little out of step with the lighter tone of the opening page. Maybe I’m being prudish but it instantly stuck out for me although it’s only at the top of the second page, feels too bawdy.

Besides the above example I did like the humour, particularly when Petal starts singing Jim’s favourite song or when she is dying and recollecting all the times they had together.  It’s actually kind of touching in parts with appropriate punctuations of wry humour. Even within such a few pages I felt a pang of sadness at the final words that the computer was rebooting thus the Petal we (got to) know is lost forever. This is testament to the writing and your ability to generate likable characters and meaningful interrelationships between them within a short page count.

Neat concept, good job.

Congrats on getting it filmed too.

Col.

Hey Col

kind of you to read.

I think you're right that a little bit of the tone needs a tweak but i'm glad you enjoyed. It was fun to write but not one to spend much time on afterwards.

I use the -- to illustrate someone cut off in conversation, but for some unknown reason i decided i should use it in the following line as a starter as well, when i shouldn't. thanks for the heads up.

as to this being finished, time will tell. As a student effort there is a good chance it wont be completed.

cheers

Hi Bill - not seen this before, only caught it as it was bumped up - quirky little piece, nicely done & certainly made me laugh - made me wonder what your inspiration was :) - I'll check the video out ...

Thanks Simon

Inspiration - good question. the challenge was to have a power cut, so i was thinking about where this would be challenging and space popped up.

I have spent some time trying to work on low budget, easy to film scripts so i assume i was pushing myself towards one person which left a computer as the buddy.

After that i can never remember quite how stories come together.

thanks for the read.

Looking randomly over your stuff, this is the title and logline that most intrigued me.  Not just the premise, but also the one guy, one location angle.

This one is very strange, at once absurdist and melancholy.  If I did not know better, I would think it might have been written by Cornetto.  You two share a similar style in some ways.

But this one is a little too strange for me perhaps.  I was never sure why Jim was conceived as being so childish, and what sort of mission such a childish personality might be selected for in the first place.

But then, thinking further, I am not sure these questions really matter -- and it is perhaps enough to let Jim and Petal inhabit their own, odd universe without thinking on it too hard.

You do manage to wring sympathy for Petal, in your own odd way.  She is a tortured soul, confused in a very human way by her conflicted feelings towards Jim.  As such, I really have no suggestions to improve this.  Your intent with this piece is pretty straightforward, and while some of the comedy is a bit low-brow for my tastes, I can see this hitting the mark with the audience for whom this was written.

As is evidenced by the fact that somebody is looking to commit this to film.  I was amused to find the brief clip a few posts up, and while production values appear limited at best, please be sure to let us know if this odd project ever makes its way to completion.  I would like to see it played out.

Thanks Bert,

Just seeing you had reviewed this one made me laugh, it really isn't everyone's cup of 'tea'. I'm not surprised you found it odd.

This was written a year ago and I would probably approach this differently now, just goes to show how we all change.

Alas the production didn't get very far but you never know as it is....A VERY LOW BUDGET FILM TO PRODUCE :-)

In terms of why the man is the wacky character and the computer the sensible, then love struck character,  there isn't a core reason.  :P

I suppose I considered any bloke who was alone in space probably has to be weird and the computer, by definition, sensible. The humour comes from the play off and then reversal as Petal drifts through the character arc of loss, rejection etc

Did I mention it is CHEAP TO FILM?  ;D

Cheers