Returning Death by Luis Garza - Horror, Mystery, Slasher - Violet Frey finds herself stuck in a series of murders of their friends committed on their birthdays. When she discovers the truth about her past, Violet along with her remaining friends have to find a way to stop the somehow related killer, before another deadly birthday comes along. 93 pages - doc, format 8)

Hey Luis.

Logline is a big, run-on sentence.  "somehow related killer"?  Reads a bit funny.

I see another doc. formatted script.  Don't know why these keep cropping up but pdf's are what the members of this site prefer or at least what I do.  Looking at your script, your formatting is correct for the most part (the periods in the slugs should actually be dashes).  You're still going to want to download some screenwriting software.  Celtx and Trelby are great programs and come free.  I myself use Trelby.

To start with, you begin your action line with the time of the slug.  It's repetitive since we already know it's night from the slug.  You're also directing camera directions.  This is a spec script which means there shouldn't be any directing camera angles.  Just tell the story and don't mind the camera angles quite yet.

You end the scene with an orphan.  Cutting out the camera angles should clean that opening scene up though.

Britney is not properly introduced.  Also the other girl should be (O.S.) instead of other end.

Finished the intro but didn't make it any further.  You've got to get rid of all "we see", "we are back", and the POV.  We already see and hear what's in the action lines so the "we" part is just not needed.

I understand that you have a vision for this slasher but you first goal is to sell this STORY to producers.  All the camera angles and directions destory the illusion you're trying to weave and it just takes me out of the story.  Download some software and rewrite the story without all the camera angles.

At 82 pages, it may dwindle down a good chunk without the camera directions which could mean the story is underdeveloped.  Horror and slasher flicks are usually around 90 pages, sometimes less but not down in the 70 page range.  Just a thought.

Best of luck with your slasher.

Luis,

Yeah, there's a run on sentence in the logline, but that's not all...

Formatting errors aside (you really need to get some formatting software) you've got many, many run on sentences throughout. I don't know if English is your first language, but still...

I don't mean to sound harsh or anything. You can read about grammar online, and feel free to ask me if there are any lines you aren't sure about.

As for the plot, as far as I can see it's really cliched. Sorry. You open to killer POV, for one. And your story-- teens killed off, it's up to a girl to stop the killer-- has been done to death. So I suggest coming up with your own unique spin on the genre. The killer kills them on their birthdays? That's a good start, but take it a few steps further. I'm not saying you have to write Scream or anything, but at least do something we haven't seen before.

I think everyone has something unique to bring to a familiar genre, especially when it comes to slashers. But it's up to you to figure out what that is.

Good luck. Hope this helps.

Will

I agree with the guys before here.  You need a better logline.  I think, especially in horror in particular, the logline must be top notch.  Consider revising. :)

I only read a little bit, but so far I think maybe you could also could come up with a better title?  Maybe?  "Returning Death" to me, it just doesn't have a catch.  Also, consider some screenplay software.  I used Celtx before I moved onto Final Draft.  Celtx is great, and it's free to download :)

In the first three paragraphs, you over-wrote.  In screenplay writing, sometimes less is more.  Also, you didn't introduce your character correctly.  Something like "BRITNEY, 17, a pale-faced beautiful brunnete answers her cell-phone amd brings it to her ear."  Something like that, at least.  Make sure to, in a screenplay, introduce all your characters correctly.

Now.  I am a huge slasher fan.  My favourite horror series is Scream.  But this, like someone else said, we have seen before. Stalking with a POV?  Hello, this is the original Halloween already!  Maybe try to open it with something new and fresh that will instantly capture a readers attention.

Also, Britney and "girl" are annoying and your dialogue so far seems a little unrealistic and "on the nose".  You must make your characters likable and relatable.  So far, it's a little bland.  Make the dialogue more interesting.  It's a must with writing slashers.  So far, Britney seems like typical knife-fodder.

Anyways, I might read more.  It's just I loath reading scripts not in PDF format.  Good luck with this.  It has the premise for an enjoyable slasher film.  Best of luck!  I hope you consider downloading a script-writing program, then I would consider reading more :)

-- Curtis

:) :) :)Thank you guys for letting me know about my script I really appreciate it.


AmbistionIsKey

My favorite horror series are also scream!! I love them!!!

Anyways, if you read more of my script I would really appreciate it, if you do decide to to read more pleae reply

And my other characters are also introduced correctly, it's cause since Britney is the opening kill I thought that It wasn't that important, I agree, it was a mistake. 2 of my friends at school read it and thought it was great, but since you are a profesional I would definitely love your opinion.

If you want me to read any of your scripts, post the link of it, I will sure read.

Crookedowl and John.. Well thank you so much for sharing it with me... LOL I hope it gets better.

Thanks for everything and if you read more please let me know, your opinion means so much to me

Good to see that your registered.  Welcome to SS.

The way things work on this site is that you give reviews and then you'll get reviews.  Dive into the boards and give some feedback.  Maybe more people will give this script a look.  Good luck.

Johnny

Thank you!  I will be reading your work soon.

I'm far from a pro and am going through my own criticisms elsewhere on the boards, but...

I agree with the others: I've read the first few pages and it reads like a paint by numbers slasher flick.  Granted, part of the appeal of slasher flicks are that they are predictable and cliche, but there still has to be something that sparks a little.  I would up the dialogue a little.  Even though the first girl is sacrificial, we still need to like her enough to care that she's getting killed.  Make us like her.  Make us want to do her.  Make us want to come over to her house and kick her puppy.  Something.  Otherwise, yay, killer killed some girl. (remember Drew Barrymore in the first Scream?  She wasn't there for long, but we liked walking around the house with her)

KevinSmith
Thanks for your opinions! And if you have an idea on how to make the character more likeable please tell me
- Luis

Hi Luis,

The line between likable and interesting is vague, and we don't necessarily have to like  a character to care if they get killed or not.  You can do a lot through dialogue and actions.  Have her talk about something real people talk about, not just a party: boyfriend, parents, something that happened recently...we don't have to know the whole story of what she's talking about, but it needs to be realistic...imagine you're over hearing a conversation at a grocery store.  Let her do something besides hearing a noise (Drew Barrymore was making popcorn and walking around the house in the beginning of Scream).  Give us a real person to watch talking about real things and doing real things.  The point of the scene is to have the man in the shadows stay in the shadows...let the girl dominate the scene, that way her fear and death are that much more powerful.  Give the viewer a whole lot longer to settle in and get to know the girl just a little before killing her (this would also help pad your script length a little as well).

Kevin

Thank you! Consider it done

Hey, Luis

Have you worked on your premise/log line any? If so, I'd like to see what you came up with. You seem really enthusiastic about storytelling, so I hope you got around to viewings other's scripts because a lot can be learned from reading.

BLB