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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Scripts  /  Never Let Go - Produced!
Posted by: Don, January 11th, 2013, 2:09pm
Never Let Go by Khamanna Iskandarova - Short, Drama - A 13year old girl goes too far in attempt to cope with a tragedy - pdf, format 8)
*Script removed

++++++++++
Posted by: Kip, January 11th, 2013, 2:43pm; Reply: 1

Hi Khamma,

I've had a read of this and it's a nice little story. I'm relatively new to reviewing other peoples work, so please don't take offence at anything I say.

I think that the begining was maybe lacking a bit of description. I would've liked to have known what the kitchen looked like and also Dana and Christina, just to help me visualize things a bit easier.

The mother/daughter relationship was pretty much spot on, and I think your dialogue between them was quite realistic.

Also, the note on the kite at the end. I'm assuming that Christina had put it on there to remind her never to part with it? Or was there something I've overlooked in my friday night haze?

All in all, sweet.

Kip.

Posted by: Oney.Mendoza, January 11th, 2013, 3:23pm; Reply: 2
Hi Khamanna,

Gave this a read.  Overall it was a really sweet, if somewhat sad story.  I liked what you were trying to accomplish.

Your dialogue didn't work for me.  Sure, it gave us necessary details and all but it read very phony, unrealistic.  Try reading it out loud before you commit to it just so you see how it sounds.

I would've preferred if you gave Christina and Dana some description besides their ages.  I'm big on character descriptions (even if they're minor) but you literally included nothing.  Give us something to visualize.

Your writing is good for the most part.  This board has heavily focused on using passive verbiage in prose as of late.  This is something I actually have to take notice myself when writing, anyways, I caught only two instances here where you can easily fix that:

They start eating.   TRY    They begin to eat.
...her voice trembling.   TRY   ...her voice trembles.

Again, I liked your overall story and what you were going for.  You do have a sweet, gentle story here.  Just work out a few bugs.

ONEY
Posted by: Pale Yellow, January 11th, 2013, 3:59pm; Reply: 3
I really like this story. I think the writing needs cleaning up a bit. The dialogue needs some work to make it easier to differentiate between the child and the mother. I think also that character descriptions even minor ones, would be a nice addition as has been said above. But it's a nice story that could be done on a cheap budget. Cute.  I could see this getting filmed :)

Great job.
Posted by: Nomad, January 11th, 2013, 5:05pm; Reply: 4
I'm going to have to agree with everyone else.  The story was nice and there weren't any major problems with it, but the dialogue needs some work.

Jordan
Posted by: khamanna, January 12th, 2013, 4:27am; Reply: 5
I went to bed yesterday, woke up and whoa! The script is posted and there are 4 replies already!

Fist of - Big thanks to Don!

@Kip, thanks for the read! Good you're reviewing, all helps, doesn't matter if you didn't review much before. Christina was supposed to throw away the kite but she's not planning to - I meant that she's gone bananas (thanks to that little role play they did perhaps). She'll continue talking to dad as if he's alive. I changed the ending recently to make it obvious, but I see that it's possibly not. I'll see what I can do about it.

@Oney.Mendoza - thanks, good catch on passive, I'll definitely work on that. Good it's on dropbox, I can do it at my convenience and not trouble Don. Will add descriptions for sure. And dialogue - I reread some of it and you're surely right. Will work on that one too.

@Hey Dena! Dialogue, descriptions, cleaning up - got it. THanks!

@ Nomad - thanks! And I agree with you on agreeing with others:)
Posted by: leitskev, January 12th, 2013, 8:09am; Reply: 6
Hey Khamanna

A very touching little tale. I didn't have any problems with the writing or dialogue.
Posted by: khamanna, January 15th, 2013, 6:48am; Reply: 7
Thanks, Kevin - nice to know:)
Posted by: CrusaderVoice, January 15th, 2013, 2:34pm; Reply: 8
Wow...nicely done.

Did well in making the girl a 13 year-old. Younger and we see her as just a little kid so our expectations of her coping would be low. An older teen we'd expect to respond like an adult. At 13, it's not only an in-between age but she's old enough for the audience to not be completely comfortable with how she's coping. The audience has more empathy with her at this stage of her life, I think...that's something I wouldn't have guessed before reading this piece.
Posted by: rc1107, January 17th, 2013, 1:33am; Reply: 9
Really good job with this one, Khamanna.  It broke my heart reading it.

It was truly a tender tale with just the right amount of creepiness to keep the story interesting, but without going overboard into plain weirdness.

I'll have another read at it, but I didn't have any problems with the dialogue.  Maybe a couple lines can be brushed up here and there, but I thought it read fine the way I read it in my head.

Very touching and sad.

- Mark
Posted by: alffy, January 17th, 2013, 6:07am; Reply: 10
Hey Khamanna, I'm not  sure I've read anything from you; not sure why?

I've not read previous comments so forgive any repeat suggestions.

I wonder why you didn't include your name on the title page?

I think you're missing a comma in Dana's introduction?
Dana (late 30s) her mother walks past....
Should there be a comma after mother?  Either that or does Dana'a mother walk past?
I actually read this paragraph about 3 times and still don't think it reads good.

I wonder why the teacher comes to the house to see them?  I'm not sure this is common practice?

Only a few niggles in what was a nice touching little story.

A good short, Khamanna, very well done.
Posted by: SteveUK, January 17th, 2013, 9:57am; Reply: 11
Hey Khamanna,

This was quite touching and a little sad. You managed to convey Christina and Dana's struggle to come to terms with their loss really well. The dialogue could perhaps do with a little work to make it seem a bit more natural, but I didn't have a major problem with it.

I found the end of the teacher's visit a little confusing, and it could do with rewording. As it is, Dana and the teacher are in the dining room. Dana hears a rustling, opens the door, checks the hall, then shuts the door. Christina is then huddled in the corner of the hall watching her mother. But how can she be watching if the door is closed? It's only a small thing, but it completely threw me off when I was reading it. Overall though, this was nicely done.
Posted by: CoopBazinga, January 17th, 2013, 10:23am; Reply: 12
Hey Khamanna,

Always happy to read your work and for what it’s worth, I liked this one.

A nice little tale of trying to come to terms with the death of a loved one – I think you handled it very well.

I liked how you used the kite as a connection between Christina and her dad.

In saying that, I wasn’t too sure how to feel at the end. Is Christina holding on to the kite a good thing? Will it help her cope with the loss or hold her back?

A good little story all the same.

Good job. :)

Steve
Posted by: khamanna, January 18th, 2013, 2:01am; Reply: 13
@CrusaderVoice - thanks! Nice to see you liked it. I had two thoughts - if I write about a kid, many will say he sounds older (that seems a case with me:) ) and one other thing - it's easier to cast a teenager perhaps. And it was a good choice, teenagers are easier than kids perhaps.

@Mark, hey - thanks for the read. Glad you liked it! Dramas are not easy for me and I'm glad to see that some like it.

@alffy - so you haven't read anything of mine - I didn't know that! Probably you did, just can't remember. Thanks for the pointers - I forget to put my name on the title page all the time! 4 positive reviews in a raw - that never happened to me before:)

@Steve - thanks, I'll read again about the teacher and see how to make it clearer. I struggled with that part - you have a good eye.

@Coop - hey, thanks. I'm glad you like it some. I say it will hold her back, but I'm not sure that she needs to forget her dad.

My daughter made a poster for it, I'll put it up once I figure out how:)
Posted by: ColinField, January 21st, 2013, 12:33am; Reply: 14
I found some minor issues with wording in action paragraphs. Here,


Quoted Text
DANA (late 30s) her mother walks by with a steamy pot of
stew. She sees Christina playfully stick her tongue out at
Dana.


The second sentence is worded awkwardly. It probably should be something like “Christina Playfully sticks her tongue out at her as she passes.” Or “She sees Christina playfully stick her tongue out at her.”

I also found some issues with formatting. I think you need a slug line for when you change rooms in the house. You could also probably lose the “Dana walks into the dining room--“. It’s just not really necessary, and I think you do it once more in the script; so I would lose one of them to get rid of superfluous writing.

Honestly, the story was well thought out and pretty interesting, and you also created some well rounded characters.  However, the ending was really not for me and left me partially unfulfilled. So are you saying that the kite flew up to heaven where her dad wrote a message on it?

I knew a twist was coming, and I really was intrigued to see where it was going for most of the read (it even started to feel like some kind of horror/thriller twist was coming at one point, like they kept his dead body in the closet and brought him out for dinner to force feed him beans) but the twist that did come didn’t feel like the right one.

Overall, I liked it. Consider tweaking the ending a little bit and I think you really have something here.

-Colin
Posted by: danbotha, January 26th, 2013, 4:32pm; Reply: 15
Hey there Khamanna,

I've been meaning to get to this one for a while, but just haven't been bothered. Anyway, I finally got a chance to read this and I liked what I saw. This was a nice tale showing the struggles of doing a simple thing of letting go. While others may find it easy, it's the young ones that really find it hard.

Others have mentioned the writing in this one. I think it was fine. Perfectly written with just the right amount of visuals to help.

The dialogue was good. I think you may have given this one a re-write if I'm not mistaken?? I remember looking at it and it only had five pages. If anything, be careful with keeping it stilted. I noticed a few times you have sentences in the dialogue that were just one-worders. For example on Page 4 you have Dana say: "Together. Huh? Today." - I don't know, to me the full-stops just make it seem a little forced. Almost as if you're trying to evoke MORE drama from the characters by putting more emphasis on certain words. The Drama is already there. No need to add more to it. Just my two cents.

Otherwise, this truly was a touching story. Easy to film. I'd say expect an email from a producer any time soon :)

Dan
Posted by: AmbitionIsKey, January 26th, 2013, 5:16pm; Reply: 16
This seemed to be getting some positive feedback, so I gave it a read considering it was quite short.  But the shortness didn't effect the quality at all.

I, personally, enjoy moving and touching things like this.  And wow, did it pack a punch.  Very moving, very emotional, and very well written.  Great job with this.  

I'm glad you didn't rely too much on description and just made it too the point, but it still remained quite touching.  Dana is a great character, and I can relate with her on a personal level and I can also relate with this story.  I was very moved by it, and the pithy and fast pacing helped move things along.

Like others have said, I still find some of the dialogue a little unrealistic and, in some places, cliched.  But sometimes cliched is good.  It didn't effect the quality at all, and I still find this to be a very good short piece of writing to be proud of.  A very good drama.  Handled well.  

Great job!  You go girl!  I'd be proud if I'd written this, I'm glad I checked it out!  Sorry I can't offer any "new" feedback, seeing as my critique is similar to those before it, but still, more feedback is always good. :D

-- Curtis
Posted by: khamanna, January 27th, 2013, 9:38am; Reply: 17
@ColinField - thanks, I made changes to that sentence. Here's about the ending - Christina decided not to move on. She's not going to accept her dad's death, for her he's alive, and she'll never let him go, just like she won't ever let go of the kite that they made together. Sorry, it confused you)

@Daniel, thanks - I'll look up that moment and other moments like that. Yeah, Mark helped me a lot with dialog, so I rewrote it. It probably needs another go. Mark sent me a lot of changes but I haven't used them all - I'll look up his suggestions again. I do have a tendency to use these short sentences. Thanks!

@ Hey AmbitionIsKey. Would be good to know your name but maybe soon)) Thanks, I'm glad you liked it.

And big thanks to Mark Lyon who provided a lot of suggestions to this!
Posted by: AmbitionIsKey, January 27th, 2013, 10:13am; Reply: 18
Sorry!  Edit my post with my name.  You can shorten it to Curt or give me a nickname, whatever, haha.

PS. I liked the short sentences :)
Posted by: Colkurtz8, January 31st, 2013, 12:55am; Reply: 19
Khamanna

Page by page notes

“INT. CHRISTINA’S HOUSE - KITCHEN – DAY”

- Not important I know but shouldn’t it phrased differently? For example: CHRISTINA’S HOME or (insert family surname) HOME. As it’s written, it gives the impression that Christina owns the house when she’s only 13!

“Dana walks to a door, makes sure Christina is not in a view.”

- Remove the “a” before “view”

MRS. WHITE
Dana, you know I’m very fond of
Christina, but I can’t lie - she’s
been mentioning her dad to the
kids. As if he’s not you know... as
if he’s alive. And the kids know...

- No fault of yours but I anticipated this before the above dialogue. I think the giveaway was when Dana goes to take the third plate away. I understand that you want to include some subtle hint for the reader to recognize in hindsight but why would Dana do this and not play along with the delusion? I know she readily acquiesces when Christina stops her from taking it away but why even do it in the first place?

Dana also seems very together and well adjusted to her husband being dead. I’d imagine she would be falling to pieces with Christina’s “role playing” and really struggling to keep a brave face in front of her daughter but she appears to be taking it well in her stride…almost too well…

“Dana shuts the door behind.”

- Might read better as:

Dana shuts the door behind her

“She shuts the front door behind.”

- Same as above, include "her" at the end. Although, I try to refrain from repeating phrasing like that unless I’m trying to stress a point or a visual cue.

CHRISTINA
We both decided on this, remember?
It’s not forever...

Dana nods. She pulls Christina to her bosom. Closes her eyes
and sways.

DANA
Others won’t get it. They’ll call
us insane.

- Mmm, I sense a dark twist on the cards…

Good job with this. My above comment was said in readiness of Dana having killed her husband or some kind of unsettling delusion they were both caught up in. However you took things in a far more, uplifting, life affirming direction, and it was all the better for it.

I loved the symbolism of the kite being released. I interpret the ending as somewhat bittersweet since in one way, the love Christina has for her father and refusal to let me go is admirable and inspiring but another way of looking at it is that her reluctance to face the tragic truth is slightly worrying and may have repercussions further down the road. Yet, like I said, it’s only been a month so some allowance should be made to let her grieve and accept the loss in her own way and time and she comes across as a precocious young girl who knows truth from lies.

I still questioned Dana’s ability to be so brave so soon after her husband’s death but the closing scene of her breaking down remedies that to a degree.
Nice work overall, solid, clean writing backed up by a moving, though not sentimental, story and I defy anyone not to be endeared to Christina’s character.

Well done.

Col.
Posted by: khamanna, January 31st, 2013, 1:07am; Reply: 20
@Curt - nice to meet you!

@Col - thank you, concrete grammar amends are gifts I always treasure!  I'll read some of your stuff in the near future.
Posted by: HodanAhmed, February 3rd, 2013, 4:12pm; Reply: 21
Hello khamamna,

I really liked the story. It is sad and touching story. I have only one note. Maybe you only need "no kite in her hands".  Wait until her mother looks for the kite and say "no kite in her hand". Anyway, that is just an idea. This is my first critic. Great job overall.

Hodan

Ps my script is Our Little Cupid. I am not sure how to attach,  but when you find it, please give a glance. It is not the final draft, by the way.  :)
Posted by: khamanna, February 5th, 2013, 12:15pm; Reply: 22
Thanks, HodanAhmed for the read! I really wanted her to have the kite later on - so everyone sees that she's not ready to let go of her dad.

I'll check out your script one of these days.
Posted by: Heretic, February 5th, 2013, 8:36pm; Reply: 23
Hey Khamanna,

I enjoyed this one a lot, but there's one thing in particular which bugs me: the dialogue between Dana and Christina after the teacher's office. To me, it's way overwritten. For me, lines like :"Then we have to start accepting it. Dad is no longer with us. He’s--"

Could definitely be, at the most: "Then we have to start accepting--"

"It’s official then. ...From now on it’s just the two of us at dinner. No third plate."

Could easily be: "It's official then. No more third plate at dinner."

And the line: "That way we’ll let HIM go. Say yes and I’ll believe you. It’s hard for me to let him go, too," to me, could just disappear.

I would argue that death and acceptance of death are very much more powerful in art when we don't directly speak of them. Maybe this is because that's what we tend to do in life, too. In any case, I think that a powerful aspect of shared grief is the way it's felt without being spoken, and I think this scene would benefit a lot from adhering to that. That's why, in my view, the first scene works so well. Dana's line, the last I reference above, is probably the biggest offender for me, because it seems to me that these are things they would both very clearly understand about themselves and each other. They know what the kite means. The audience knows what the kite means. It needn't be said.

The final scenes kick ass and in general I think this'd be a great flick for someone to shoot. But I do think that dialogue needs to be seriously retooled and seriously reduced.

Good stuff!

Chris
Posted by: khamanna, February 7th, 2013, 6:13am; Reply: 24
Hey, Chris - thank you! I really appreciate concrete pieces of dialog and that you gave me pointers on how to revise it.
Posted by: Toby_E, February 10th, 2013, 1:22pm; Reply: 25
Hey Khamanna,

Meant to get round to reading this earlier in the week, but couldn't find the time.

I'm glad I finally did make the time though, as this was a great little story. Apart from some of the dialogue being slightly overwritten (I agree wholeheartedly with everything Heretic said), this script was very well written :-) The ending made me smile as well; I'm glad Christina did not let the kite fly away.

So yeah, good work :-)

Sorry I couldn't actually provide you with anything constructive for you to change. improve in a subsequent rewrite! That's why I sometimes hate reviewing good scripts, as they make me appear lazy ;-)

All the best.

Toby.
Posted by: khamanna, February 12th, 2013, 6:36am; Reply: 26
Thank you, Toby.

I'll give it another read - good to see someone is agreeing with someone else - that makes the decision process easier for me)
Posted by: James McClung, February 12th, 2013, 5:32pm; Reply: 27
Hi Khamanna,

I thought this was a strong enough piece. I really can't say much by way of criticism without going out of my way to nitpick; the writing worked well enough for me.

Two things that did stand out as problematic, however, were the scene with Mrs. White and the ending.

The exchange between Dana and Mrs. White could've been fine but I couldn't help but think it was strange for Mrs. White to come all the way over to the house. Their exchange barely lasts a moment and hardly merits a sitdown visit like this. If Mrs. White had shown up unexpectedly, they might've had it at the door before Mrs. White was off. Even so, I don't see why she couldn't have called or made an appointment with Dana.

Honestly, I think it'd be better if you didn't have the scene at all and rather merely made mention of it during the talk with Christina, which you do. I suppose you could fill it in a little more were you indeed to omit the scene. Anyway, from a practical perspective, producers would appreciate having to hire one less actor for the shoot. But so as not to be thinking strictly in those terms, I think that it'd work better dramatically for this meeting to have already occurred and for Dana to have been mulling it over since before deciding to have her talk with Christina. I mean, the way you have it now, Dana meets with Mrs. White and immediately opts to confront Christina without any reflection upon the conversation she's just had. Christina's a grieving teenager, which merits a delicate situation even without taking the details into consideration. I think it' be in Dana's best interests to exercise some discretion.

Overall, the scene simply feels awkward and is kind of necessary IMO.

Moving along, I read your script twice. The first time, I might have inadvertently skimmed a few details because at the end, what you were trying to convey did indeed come across (I'm not inferring by the way; I read your previous comments). That is to say, Christina made a conscious decision not to move on, keep the kite to herself, and scrawled the note on it as a reminder of her decision.

After the second read, I realized things didn't quite fit. How did Christina return home without the kite and yet have the kite in her room at the end? It makes no sense... unless you were getting at the idea that her father had intervened metaphysically somehow. Someone else brought this up earlier and you stepped in to debunk this notion. Which means, this isn't going to fly, no pun intended. Again, how did the kite end up in Christina's room if she didn't have it when she returned from the park?

My solution would be that Christina hides it outside somewhere where she can (and will) retrieve it later. I don't see how else it can work. I mean, she can't exactly sneak it in behind her back.

Other than that, a decent read. Hope this helps.
Posted by: khamanna, February 14th, 2013, 3:09am; Reply: 28
Thank you James for the read and comments.

I see what you mean - I actually didn't understand last time I heard that the father perhaps brought it in. Now I see - it's confusing that she comes in without at first. I thought the audience figure out that she brought it in earlier or something. I could make her pick up the kite later, or have it tied to a tree perhaps.

My plan is to leave it like that for now and then, when it's getting produced tell the director.

Several producers asked for it. I actually don't know what to do - One very good producer asked for it, but he can't produce it right away, only in two months. So we left it at a handshake option.
Now another one came along, with several productions behind her back and all - I don't know what to do.
Posted by: khamanna, June 4th, 2016, 3:19am; Reply: 29
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRUqTFNaEZE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRUqTFNaEZE

So, shortwars.org made two different movies on the same script. It's on competition basis - at first they choose a script, then a crew. Then two crews compete for being the ultimate winner in this comp. If yuo don't know about this competition - go to shortwars.org and look for the dates - they run it every year and pay handsomely by the way.

I want to put up a banner for one here but don't know which one to chose - Wilmington University version won, but Del Tech's version better sits with me... so I don't know.
Posted by: cloroxmartini, June 4th, 2016, 3:48am; Reply: 30
Didn't make *sniff* me cry.

Are these supposed to be two different links? They appear to link to the same YouTube video.

I read comments about dialogue needing to change so I went back to read the script to see if dialogue changed between the script and finished product. Scrtipt isn't there. Did you change the dialogue? I felt what was spoken fit the story.
Posted by: cloroxmartini, June 4th, 2016, 4:16am; Reply: 31
Found the other one (kite) at the web site. The production value of the kite version trumped the book version but I give the acting nod to the book version. Yet both revealed what that young girl was dealing with and that comes from your writing.
Posted by: khamanna, June 4th, 2016, 4:37am; Reply: 32
http://shortwars.org/index.php/film

Here it is one link to both versions.

Yeah, I removed the script since I sold the rights and all.
I liked the ending in both - in the script it's vague and many got a bit confused asking me if Dad was a ghost and if he wrote "Never let go" on the kite himself.

So, Clorox, you like the Wilmington's version better?
Posted by: cloroxmartini, June 4th, 2016, 5:04am; Reply: 33
I don't think I like one over the other in a big way but if I was scoring on several factors I would have scored Wilmingtom higher. The production was bigger on Wilmington. Title sequence, etc. felt more like a movie from that perspective. High shots at the beach. The beach kite scene was stronger and that made the finish stronger. But I think they held some shots too long. They made better use of the kite where I felt the kite was more of a tie between father and daughter. The teacher meeting scene was equal although I think the redefining line in Wilmington was a bit condescending. A grown woman redefining is far different than a child.
Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), June 4th, 2016, 2:37pm; Reply: 34
I watched the Wilmington version and there was some quality filmmaking on show. I thought the young girl was excellent and loved the use of drones. Maybe a little overdone on the drone use, but not a real gripe.

I enjoyed the story and the vivid colours throughout.

Well done, Khamanna!
Posted by: khamanna, June 5th, 2016, 2:00pm; Reply: 35
Hey, thanks, guys! I'll take your suggestions into account - looks like I'm the only one voting for Del Tech anyway.

Clorox - yeah, the dinner shot in particular was long. It could have been easily addressed in the edit - don't know why they don't see what we see.
Posted by: cloroxmartini, June 5th, 2016, 2:18pm; Reply: 36
And sliding that box out from under her bed...
Posted by: Don, June 19th, 2016, 9:01am; Reply: 37
Posted by: eldave1, June 19th, 2016, 11:06am; Reply: 38
Congrats to you!
Posted by: khamanna, June 19th, 2016, 1:37pm; Reply: 39
Thanks, Don, so much!
Makes me very happy to see this one up here.
Posted by: khamanna, June 19th, 2016, 1:37pm; Reply: 40
@Dave, thanks!)
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, June 19th, 2016, 3:00pm; Reply: 41
Hey Kham, well done.

Very nice production qualities in this.

It's a script with simple, big heart. Personally I don't think she goes over the top ( as per logline)  I think in the real world the appropriate use of old possessions, recalling memories, is a fair approach to the loss of a loved one.

All the best
Posted by: MarkItZero, June 19th, 2016, 3:15pm; Reply: 42
Just watched it. It was great. Sad and heartfelt... congratulations Kahmanna!
Posted by: Warren, June 20th, 2016, 4:50am; Reply: 43
Congrats, great little production.
Posted by: MarkRenshaw, June 20th, 2016, 7:59am; Reply: 44
Congratulations! A lovely short film.
Posted by: Athenian, June 22nd, 2016, 11:49am; Reply: 45

Quoted from khamanna
Hey, thanks, guys! I'll take your suggestions into account - looks like I'm the only one voting for Del Tech anyway.


Actually, I'm with you on this one. Yes, the shots at the beach were great, but I think the other film is faster, tighter and better acted (I'm referring to the adult actresses). They are both good productions, though, and your story is tender and heartfelt. Congratulations!

Manolis
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