Hey Chris,
I've only looked at the first page, and I'll try and read the rest later... but I felt the need to jump in too... only Because I know all to well the need to overwrite description. But I also learned that if you want your story read, it is best to make it as quick of a read as possible, while maintaing the compelling story elements to it....
Quoted Text remember you're writing a picture. People are going to be watching, not reading. |
You are absolutely right, you are writing for the screen, which is why it's important to show and not tell, which I found you did in your first couple of action paragraphs.
"A bunch of TEENS make a circle around a small bonfire as they happily sing, out of tune, to an awful guitar tune. *
Not having other option*, a few forcibly eat the *
so called refreshments*, which consist of oatmeal raisin cookies, fruit, vegetables, and water.
NATHAN BRIGHT (17), wears a bright green neon shirt that reads CAMP LIGHT, and drinks a cup of water. Nathan is not the hottest guy in the world, *
but he has his attractiveness hidden there, somewhere*. His sight is lost in the fire, w
hich makes him the kind of guy that is there physically, but not mentally.*Bold - You are telling not showing... eliminating the telling and choosing good, specific, descriptive words that "show" us what we are seeing, opposed writing "Poetry" like description more suitable for a book than script format.
"Fifteen TEENS circle around a small bonfire, happily singing out of tune with an awful guitar tune. A few Teens force oatmeal slop down their throats, making faces as they do.
NATHAN BRIGHT (17), a mediocre looking kid, wears a bright green neon shirt that reads "CAMP LIGHT", he drinks a cup of water, as he stares into the fire, the only one not singing along with the others."
This is just an example, and I'm sure it can still be improved on, but it shows what we are seeing while not being as wordy.
"to an awful guitar tune" - Is this meant as the guitar is played badly too, or the tune they are playing an awful one?
To echo Dan's thought, if you can bring in the millions of dollars at the box office by name alone, then you can write the King James Bible as a script.
I'll try and read the rest, but I thought I'd just put in my two cents, since I've been there man.
I only say this because i believe it will help you, not only improve your writing but will help get people to read your story.
Cheers
Kev