A Junkie's Promise by Colin Field - Drama - A Parolee fresh on the streets, battles temptations from his old neighborhood while attempting to reconnect with his estranged daughter.  - pdf, format 8)

I skimmed this real quickly and can offer more detailed notes if the writer shows up but I can say you need to really get into a shooters head before taking on a script like this. Shooters act differently, talk differently and shoot differently that what the first few pages offer.

Let me explain.

She isn’t gonna wait on him to pop her vain if she’s that hard up. Most shooters are more than happy to swim alone. He should catch her while she’s doing the last bit and then get pissed. Also, shooters know how much they have. Down to the last bump. It’s what they live for. For him to be surprised that they are down to X amount doesn’t work.

Here’s the big one. The first shoot up you did was wrong. The technique is not the way you wrote it. When you find a vein, you draw or pull to do two things. One to cool the heroin with blood and bring it to body temp. and second to establish you have a vein.

They don’t plunge the hammer down when shooting up. They play a bit. Part of the hold that shooting up has is the control you have at that moment and the slow rush of plunger going down.

Also, get to know the terminology behind the junkies. You’re setting the stage at page one. I’m either gonna buy into it or not.

If this is a story about junkies. You’re introducing your reader to the world they don’t often get to see. It needs to be real.

Just some thoughts.

Hope this helps.

Shawn…..><

Colin,

I skimmed the first quarter or so of this, and agree wholeheartedly with everything Shawn brings up.

The script is also a little heft at 137 pages long, which for the story you are telling, is too long. I personally think the script will work better if you cut out the fist 15 pages, and open it at Will's parole hearing. The first scene, as well as the one in the prison, did not ring true for me, slowed down the pacing, and felt redundant.

Start it with some sort of establishing shot of a prison. And then bam, get right into it with the parole hearing. You could even have Will in his cell shooting up first, and then get to the parole hearing, if you want to explicitly show us that he is a junkie.

A few things with your writing I noticed:

- You call Will both Will and Dormer in his dialogue. Pick one, and stick with it.
- You capitalise too many random objects here. It becomes distracting.
- A handful of your dialogue does not end in full stops.

My main issue with this so far is that it is too similar to other films I have seen. It seems to be a mix between the "after a long time inside, an ex-con comes out of prison, and tries to rebuild ties with the family members which he destroyed" and "a drug addict must choose between the two things he loves most: drugs, or his family". And because of this familiarity, I'm reading the script, already knowing what the final destination is. Do you throw us a curveball, and distance yourself from the existing stuff out there? Or am I correct in my initial assumptions?

If you show up, I'll be happy to read further. For some reason, I am a sucker for heavy, drug dramas.

Cheers.

Toby.

Thanks for the reads and responses so far guys.

Shawn

All great notes.

What you’re saying makes complete sense. The most important part is getting into the head of the shooter. I tried to do this as best as I could considering I’ve never shot pool, but I have had my life damaged by other drugs, and I tried to take those cravings and attitudes and transition them into Will’s character.

Your first note is actually a little off I think if you reread the first scene. Will knows how much is left.  He is holding onto all of the junk, that’s why Shannon doesn’t tie off herself. Also Will isn’t surprised how much is left. Only Shannon is. I probably didn’t make it clear enough though.

Your next note about the preparation of a shot is a great one. I might not exactly have the details of preparing the shot down, and that’s why I tried to keep it a little vague actually. I will definitely do some more research to make it perfect.

Toby.

Thanks for the read.

First off I agree completely that it is WAY too long. In my next draft I’m going to try and cut out at least 20 pages. What’s funny is, in my first draft the very first scene was at the parole hearing. I actually like it a lot better starting there but I felt many would think it was too slow and uneventful for an intro.

-Sticking with either Will or Dormer in the dialogue would probably make it an easier read.
-I’m really trying to cut down on the amateurish overcapitalization of objects, but clearly not enough.
-I’ll go back and look at the punctuations.

True, the story is similar to some out there, but I really wanted to try and create one with really defined characters as well as more of a softer side than most. More sentimentality, more psychological exploration, rather than straight plot. I urge you to  keep reading because I think it may go in a different direction than you originally anticipated.

-Colin