The Reader by Ed Beach (CrusaderVoice) - Short - When an aspiring screenwriter meets the person that provided coverage and analysis on his script, the consequences end in disaster. - pdf, format 8)

This was a cute read, Ed.  I thought it went on a little longer than it should've.  And there were some minor formatting problems.

When you you O.S. in the dialog--though it should be V.O. and not O.S.--you should put it in parentheses.  (O.S.) is used when the character stepped out of camera shot but is still there.  (V.O.) is used when a character isn't really there at all and his/dialog will be added in post.  In the case of your script, the actor playing Doug isn't out of camera shot; he's not there.  His 'voice' will be added in post.

I think a lot of this script can just be tightened up.  Your descriptions are a bit wordy.

Quoted Text ALEX, 25, leans over his printer that sits on a small desk.  The printer hums as it spits out printed paper. He pulls a cell phone from his pocket as he picks up the paper and looking at the page dials.

could be shortened to:

Quoted Text ALEX, 25, leans over his printer as it spits out paper.  He pulls a phone from his pocket and dials.

Just cut it in half.  If you were to tighten your script, you'd easily trim two pages off it.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Phil, thanks!

I'm unsure on the O.S. / V.O. thing and I've gone by that V.O. is only used for a character / narrator actually narrating part of a scene.

I had moments when I thought I might be over-describing some things including the first paragraph that you called out. There was a point where I deleted what I had and wrote almost exactly like you suggested. Then went right back to what I had orginally.

Is there a good rule here? Like, be vivid but don't describe the obvious? Like, of course the printer is on a desk (it's only noteworthy if it's sitting on something other than that...and of course the desk is small).

This does help! At some point, I'll be reading The Brass Ring because I have lived through what you logline says.

The general rule is to be as brief as possible.  Tell only what is needed and leave out unnecessary details.

If you have a character driving a car, there's no need to mention that it's a 2010 blue Honda Civic unless it's important to a story.  Same goes with everything else, including guns, food, clothing, etc.  


Phil

This was one of those reads that kept growing on you as you went along.  Clever concept, especially for those writers who read a ton of scripts.  I guess it strained believability at the end as to why he would bother to stay and subject someone to the same dilemma that he had been put in, but I think it was the only way to make the rest of the story work.

Didn't really notice any real grammar or formatting issues other than the (O.S.) thing mentioned above.  Loved the shout-out to the overabundance of a certain type of script which I won't spoil for others.

Good job,
Gary

This was an enjoyable read. Agree that you could lose a couple of pages without eating away at the core idea. Some nice commentary on the industry. There's very little suggestion for improvement because you have written the story very tongue in cheek.

Regards the loop at the end, it does fit in well but if this was to be filmed, it might be quite difficult to make it work like it does on paper.

Hey Ed,

This is a funny concept that can be easily produced.
And that's gargantuan when trying to entice folks to produce your work.
You've got a pretty sharp ear for dialogue.
And I dig the cyclical nature of things.
Reminds me of a body swap short here that got a lot of attention last year.

I agree that brevity is your friend.
I started skimming the action sequences pretty early on.
But the pay off works well.

Think this would be a killer 5 pager for MP, prolly win it all! ;D

Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Thanks guys! I'm not sure about its production potential since it is sort based on an inside joke among writers.

My issues with brevity seems to be a consistent theme in the feedback. That is ironic; I may post about it elsewhere to start a side discussion (I'm NOT disagreeing; it's just that I'm not new to writing but I AM new to writing fiction and scripts...and I'm finding that this is like learning how to write all over again).

E.D. - I haven't commented, but have read a bunch of your stuff and enjoyed it. I know you're in the the middle of reworking Clone Wife but know that the title and the logline hooked me in to read it. I hope you continue to work to perfect it as you are on to a good premise with all kinds of possibilities.

Hey Ed.

Ah.  Finally.  A story without any zombies.

I liked 'Can't See a Thing', so I figured I'd take a gander at this one, too.

This was a really amusing story.  I really liked it.  As Andrew said, you wrote it very tongue-in-cheek so there's no sense in getting caught up in plot-holes.  (Who gets the ten dollars?)

I will say some of the heavy description and action lines bog and slow down the read.  Usually, I don't mind it if it brings atmosphere to the story, but in this case, the heavy description just got in the way of the read.

It may take some work to make this come full circle on film, but I think it'll be well worth the effort.  Maybe only writers'll laugh and actually get it, but there are a TON of writers out there, so there's definitely a market for it and it will be enjoyable.

Good job with this one.

- Mark

Thanks Mark.

Since people pay electronically someone's bank account is growing from $10 per script...especially since the labor and overhead is low!

I'll probably start a thread on this elsewhere, but my default mode is to paint a verbal / word picture. I'm learning this isn't necessary. This is like learning how to write all over again for me and it's a little embarrassing because I know how to create tightly written copy. I just don't know how to do it in a script (yet).

Sometime later today or tonight I'll be making my way to the "Class" section of the Boards, see if I can kick-start a discussion and hopefully learn something.

Hey Ed :)

This was a fun read, and a great idea for a short.  

I agree with everyone else, it'd work very well if you tried to cut back on your action sequences.  I tended to skim them.  Some felt clunky and awkward to read.  Just teach yourself not to over-writer.

I mean, why was the couch tan?  Why did you name the color of the carpet?  Sometimes, it's better to leave those little bits out since they're not key to the plot or driving the story on.  Less is better.

Your dialogue was fine, I didn't think it was great though.  It could be improved on.  Maybe make it sound more realistic.  Sometimes, the dialogue, to me personally, felt a tad awkward, and I'd think "would he really speak like this?"

But I get that it was a very witty, tongue-in-cheek approach to writing, and it didn't effect my overall enjoyment.  Like everyone else said, remember it's "(O.S)" not "O.S."

And I'd suggest to cut up this action sequences too.  Don't go over a three-line paragraph for an action line. :)

Anyway, good luck with this.  It could use some fixing, but I enjoyed it!  

-- Curtis

Hey Ed,

I thought this was a decent concept with a slightly clunky execution. Fortunately, I think most of it can be improved easily.

I thought the setup was pretty awkward. Why couldn't Doug and Alex just have a regular appointment? The impromptu meeting up doesn't feel realistic at all, even in the context of your story. I understand Doug needs to get Alex to his house but his pitch is just weird, especially how he randomly remembers Alex's address. I don't know if it's the dialogue or the hastiness or what but something feels off.

More importantly though, none of this is necessary. Once Alex walks through Doug's door, it really doesn't matter if they had an appointment in advance or if this is all spontaneous; they don't make mention of it, just get straight into business. You can easily lose the first scene in its entirety. I'm sure prospective filmmakers would appreciate having to deal with one less location.

I think the situation that follows was a clever one. I wasn't particularly fond of the jokes you opted for but perhaps that's just me. What I don't think worked at all was just how quickly Alex jumps into the coverage. I mean, he just woke up. This is all new to him. I think he'd spend a little longer trying to escape. Again, even in the context of your story, I think he needs to make a bigger effort.

Like the beginning, the ending is quite awkward as well. However, I do think you're just shy of a really satisfying payoff. I like the idea of Alex inadvertently becoming part of a new cycle a lot. Unfortunately, as it is now, it might be a little too inadvertent. Why doesn't Alex just leave? There's no reason for him to stay. I would've preferred a much more logical and inevitable means as to how this all happens.

I think this could be remedied by building upon exactly how Alex's enslavement and essentially the enslavement of all readers works. Perhaps some more dialogue with Doug could offer some insight. As of now, there's nothing about the situation that bespeaks a cycle; it's just sorta tacked on.

The means by which Alex is able to escape are also strange to me. As of now, it seems he just flips over and the chain breaks. Also, why is the key at the top of the stairs? Wouldn't Doug want to hold on to that himself?

Finally, for the record, I agree with everyone about your overwriting. I've simply opted not to harp on it as you've heard more than enough already.

Nevertheless, I think there's something good here. I think you just need to work out some of the kinks and scale some things back, naturally.

James- thanks!

This script is loosely based on a dream I had. I was on the phone, then got invited over to talk about more details of the script with the individual that provided analysis.

So I wrote the thing from there. Starting the whole thing from the house- brilliant! That totally works and I can't believe I didn't think of it. That tightens it up a lot (well, that and better writing).

I know there are holes in this but it think I'm trying to imply that Alex is, without him being made completely aware, being let go...and what happens next is just inevitable.

Hey Ed,

This is my favortie script of yours.  The Dr. Pepper was slightly predictable, due to the foreshadowing of 'the meet', but I love Alex's demeanor during this.  He's licking his chops for this coverage.

You kept raising the stakes throughout which kept me engaged till the end.  Nicely done.  The mounted speaker was a clever way to communicate his new purpose. Lol! If I had to suggest one thing toward the plot, I would have liked to see a choice of beverage given to the victims -- just to leave an amigious chance that there might be a way out if you choose the right one, but the victims don't need to know that.

Very creative. A dream, eh? I need to sleep more.

Johnny

Hey Ed,

I thought I'd give this one a peek because you've been giving out reads and I was intrigued to see what all the fuss was about concerning your apparent overwriting.

Well, let's get that out the way - You do overwrite and throw out tons of superfluous details that makes the action tedious and hence, I skipped a lot of it. Also watch out for little schoolboy errors like not capping characters on first intro and the use of (O.S) when it should be (V.O).

But the good news is that this was a cute little story and for most part I enjoyed it. I do think the ending needs to be better developed, why Alex would continue the cycle is beyond me? I think you need to show a change in character when he's doing the coverage, a reason for continuing the cycle because right now it just feels forced to complete the story and not natural at all.

Also, why was the key just laying there on the stairs? What happened to Doug?

I did enjoy the portray of zombie scripts and how they're becoming quite tiresome.

Good luck and keep writing. :)

Steve

Hey!

That was fun.
A nice idea and fun to read really.

I wonder if you could cut on some of the dialog and some of the action. Especially towards the end. The idea is there, I noticed if I just skim it - it's obvious what's going on, so you don't need that much description - I'm talking about the part where he sleeps on his desk, then wakes up, sees the DreamWorks logo, discovers Harrison...

Some dialog could be shortened perhaps:
"I remember the address - you're only two blocks away from me. I never do that, but if you want to swing by you may."
as opposed to "Y'know, I remember your address on the form you filled out. You're only a couple of blocks from me in La Mirada. Normally we don't encourage this type of contact but you're close so do you want to swing by?"
And maybe not like this - I'm not good with dialog at all, but feels to me that piece could be shortened.
And I think somewhere at the very beginnign of their conversation Doug needs to say that he likes Alex' script very much before he invites him in - to sound believable.

Nice script, funny!

Interesting read... A bit too much of an inside joke for me though.

I like the idea, but you could have taken the idea a step further IMO...

Making Alex someone who wrote a Zombie script, then is forced to write coverage on Zombie Scripts (perhaps cause it's half off all Zombie script coverage) to the point where he ends up looking like a Zombie himself (typing away, his mouth agape, moaning and groaning like a Zombie)... then finds the one script that is treasured, his reward and freedom then runs in to the next guy who thanks him for his coverage on his Zombie script and then the punch line - "Hey you wanna a Dr. Pepper", I'm paraphrasing I think.

I like all the titles, I think there needed to be a Zombies of the Middle East somewhere in there ;) Or Indiana Jones and the Mummy Zombies.... Heck get some of the horror fans on here to contribute fun Zombie titles... I'm getting carried away here... only 9 more months til halloween ;)

Well despite the fact I can't identify with what's going on in the script it was still a joyful read. And my thoughts above might very well be all sh*t.

Good job :)

Best,
Kev

Coop, and everyone else that has been taking part in the �over-writer� thread, I�m glad you�ve checked out a script I�ve posted so I could say: �SEE WHAT I MEAN!�

I know how to write but knowing how to write scripts is a whole different thing. Regardless of previous experience, I realize I'm on the low end of the learning curve.

So yes, Khamamania, there�s all sorts of stuff I can cut. Thanks for the kind words and suggestions.

Kev, your suggestions on Zombie titles sound like marketable ideas. I tried to think of the stupidest names possible. You probably should start drafting a script based one of the ones you had. Strike while the iron is hot. The Middle East conflict with Zombies thrown in�or U.S. forces accidently tap into something in Iraq or Afghanistan that unleashes and army of undead�I am there! I read World War Z a couple of months ago (the book not the script) and the Middle East is mentioned early but for various reasons that part of the world is out of the fight for most of the book. Someone that knows what they�re doing should turn out these ideas.

If I was really good at this, Alex would have written a script like that for this story and his complete script would be linked within The Reader script. That�s the graduate-level stuff, I think. I�m still in pre-school.

Ed

This was an amusing little piece. I won’t harp on about the clunky writing like I did on your last short as you say you’ve taken heed. Needless to say, this can do with tightening as well.

Concept-wise though, it’s an innovative twist on the kidnapping sub-genre, I don’t want to give you a swelled head (presuming you're a fan, everyone is after all) but it comes off as something the Coen Brothers would dream up.

I loved the rip on the ubiquity of zombie scripts, they must be the bane of every script reader’s existence!

Logically and practically, holes can be picked in it. For example: the likelihood of Doug living near Alex so he can call over. However, this could be easily fixed by having Doug ring Alex instead saying how he really liked the script, saw that he lived nearby…then the story unfolds how you’ve written it. It could be implied that Doug, when seeing his address, lavished on the praise in his coverage as to warrant the phone call for a further chat.

It goes in tandem with the absurd nature of the script but I found it funny how readily Alex resigns to the bizarre situation he found himself in. After some weak, half as?ed objections, “No way(s)” and “Are you kidding(s)” he dutifully goes about doing the task allotted to him. I realise you didn’t want to go down the torture porn route a that’s been so overplayed so this was a welcome refreshing spoof of the sub-genre.

Again, Alex’s decision to pick up the gauntlet for the vacated Doug is madness and defies plausibility given the tortuous ordeal Alex has been through but it also works in the context of the script’s tone and story.

Good work with this, Ed. At least on the basis of this and “Can’t See a Thing” you’ve got a flair for interesting, paths-less-ventured story ideas plus this one had a satisfying ending.

Col.

Hi Ed,

Going to jump straight into commenting on the story.

It started out for me a drama, like ALEX was going to get hurt, then developed into a smart comedy. The ending made me chuckle. Was both excited and hesitant at first to read a script about screenwriting, but it turned out, like many others have said, to be a fun ride. The joke about every script having zombies is something that I am guilty of sometimes when I think of ideas for scripts that never actually get written; I'm guilty of thinking that any script with zombies in it tends to be awesome ;) So yes, The Reader was very relatable. You've made writing about writing interesting to read.

Cheers,
Angela

HI ED

Nice little short you have here. I like the concept, although the ending was pretty predictable.

But overall, it was nice comedy and you're right... way too many zombie scripts :D

Mark

Angela and Mark, thanks for the reads and kind words.

For the record, I have nothing against Zombies. I just imagined that, while they're "in," a spec script reader may see 100s of them in a day. I had also just finished the book World War Z when I wrote this and there's no way the movie can match the book...judging the trailer they opted to not even try to match it. Brad Pitt is from my hometown, though, so I have to root for it not to suck.

I did a double-take when I saw your post, Mark, because you've been so helpful to me on so many other threads that I thought for certain you'd already weighed in on this.

...looking forward to reading more of your work also, Angela.

[quote=Ed]I did a double-take when I saw your post, Mark, because you've been so helpful to me on so many other threads that I thought for certain you'd already weighed in on this.[quote]

That's weird, because I read this before and I was sure I left feedback. I must have got side-tracked :)

Mark