Trouble In Store (A Sort of Ring Cycle) by Alastair Murdoch - Short, Comedy - An improbably sized diamond ring connects distant generations in a cycle of robbery and snobbery. 16 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Alastair/Francesca,

I had a quick look at this one for you, but there were a few problems I saw at first glance.

Firstly, screenplays normally start with a FADE IN in the top left hand corner.

Secondly, your action is very bulky and overwritten. I am always doing the same. Trimming action down to the bare bones, but still making it interesting and enabling a reader to visualise things really is a skill in itself. Try to break your action into no more than 4 lines, even less if you can, as it will read far easier for someone.

Like this:

"An empty, dusty store. LETTITIA (70), *DESCRIPTION*, sings out of tune to a Wagner Opera as she busies herself dusting. Her singing stops as she glares at her cassette deck chewing her tape up.

Her nephew, CURTIS (25, scruffy), pulls trinkets from an antique wooden box. He studies each with a jewellers loupe, as Lettitia watches, exasperated."

This is by no means briiliant, but if you can cut out some of the superfluous bits and bobs, it's much quicker to read.

It's also a good idea to give your character names, rather than identify them as "Middle aged man" or similar. You tell us "Middle aged man's" name is Randolph Harvey later on when he's discussing buying a ring, so you might as well name him from the beginning. Lettitia really needs a description too, as we have no idea what she looks like.

I hope this helps.

Kip

Hey Slastair and Francesca.

Don't think imrobably is a word.

Your opening slug is an issue.  Just use "DAY" and we can't tell that it's the early eighties.  You can put that in a super if you'd like but not in the slug.

That opening paragraph is a beast.  You'll want to listen to Kip and chop that thing down or at the very least, break it up into a couple paragraphs.  You also want to steer clear from using "we see", "we read", or "we anything" for that matter.  We see and hear everything you write in the action lines so the we's are redundant.

With a parenthetical that big, I suggest putting it in the action lines.  The MORE and CONTINUED at the bottom of the page is unnecessary.

Page 2 is another monster of a page with enormous blocks of dialogue and action lines.  Blend it up to where you've got a nice mix of talk and movement.  If you think about it, very rarely do people talk that much while staying still.

MIDDLE-AGED MAN and YOUNG WOMAN are so vague and impersonal that it becomes hard, at least for me, for them to build rapport with the reader.  Best of luck.

Hey Alastair

No fade in

This is not a slug

INT. JEWELRY SHOP: DAYTIME, SOMETIME IN THE VERY EARLY
EIGHTIES

You could write it like this.

SUPER: 1981

INT. JEWELRY SHOP - DAY

13 lines in your opening description/action is 9 nine lines too many... 4 max it is much easier on the eye.

Also try and describe your characters a little better, so we know what can visualize.

I noticed that none of your other characters are named... As middle aged man and young woman play a significant part, they should have names.

Again slugs like this:

INT. STORE-ROOM. BLACKNESS. LIGHT CLICKS ON

and this

INT. STORE-ROOM. BLACKNESS. LIGHT FADES IN JUST ENOUGH TO
LET US SEE CURTIS COMING TO

Slugs let us know:
if the scene is located inside or outside... INT/EXT

Where the scene is located... STORE-ROOM

and what time frame... DAY/NIGHT/CONTINUOUS/MOMENTS LATER and there are others

If you clean all this up, it will make for a better read.

I think it's best if you read some scripts, be part of the forum and read screenwriting books.

all the best

Mark

Thanks to Kip, John and Mark for taking the time to read and comment. As you spotted - yes, we're first timers (a middle-schooler and her Dad doing this for fun). We've taken your recommendations, and we've tidied a few things up, while breaking others down. Don has kindly already re-posted the revised version.

Quoted from AlastairMurdoch (a middle-schooler and her Dad doing this for fun).

Did anybody else do a wee "Naaaaaaw!" sound when they read that?? Or am I the only softy around?