The Milky Way Accident by Patrick P - Sci Fi, Fantasy - Clybourn, a business professional thinks he’s got life all figured out.  But after his girlfriend dumps him, he finds himself in the wrong place at the wrong time and is accidently swept up from planet Earth by alien humans who literally show him the meaning of life. 115 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Patrick,

I see you haven't got many reads on this. I made it to page 2 and stopped when I read this line describing the hospital:

This is a very impressive office reception room.

If you have a chance to make an appearance or PM me, I will give it a full read with some notes.

Johnny

As a fellow writer, I am a big fan of anything involving space or aliens, so your basic plot caught my attention.

I read the first few pages, and I think that you were making some basic mistakes that I made early on.  You use the word "we" alot in the action, when it really shouldn't be there at all.  Don't write, "we look past a jet flying by"...instead write "a jet flies by".  

Keep in mind that you are writing a script, and not a book so the dialogue is critical here, and the action should be short and to-the-point.  Basically, you want to write the action in as few words as possible.  However, there are obviously points were you do have to describe the action, the scene, or the characters in detail, but even then you should try to weed out unnecessary words.

Anyways, I will try to give the rest of the script a read when I get a chance and give you some feedback on the plot and characters.

In the meantime, congrats on writing the script.

Cheers!

A few notes:

Page 1:  The loooong paragraph bearing 8 lines.  Try to keep it to 4 max, 3 if possible.  Also, get rid of "we are", just show don't tell.  I can safely cut the first page in half like so:

EXT. SPACE -- TIMELESS (need Timeless, as day/night in space is non-existent)

Approaching the milky way galaxy, passing thousands of blinking stars and natural solar activity.  Passing into the solar system, Jupiter eclipsed by the sun.  Beyond Jupiter, the system opens up, revealing a large comet bearing a fiery tail heading directly for another.  They CRASH and EXPLODE in a glorious array of dust and fire.

A small piece floats through space and falls into the sun.  EARTH.  A lone satellite orbiting around it.  Atoms DESCEND.  Through earth's atmosphere.

EXT. EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE -- DAY (don't really need CONTINUOUS)

An airplane zooms through the air as small atoms descend from the sky alight with flame.  Interlinking highways and large city blocks down below.  A small atom passes a nearby window.

AND THIS IS WHERE WE ENTER THE HOSPITAL.

Might be a nitpick, but clarify, make it easier on the eyes and more seen rather than told.  Try and cut action lines down to 4, 8 is waaaay too many.

PAGE 3:  The Receptionists (should be Receptionist's) phone rings.  Also, the way you have her name in the dialogue bar should be "Receptionist".

PAGE 3:  Across the street in the adjacent building, is a meeting in progress.  (In the adjacent building across the street, a meeting *is* in progress).

PAGE 3:  In another room, in the building across the street.  (Say INT. ADJACENT BUILDING - ROOM - DAY).

If you make an appearance on the board I'll give you some more notes, those are just simple options for you to take in and digest.

-Lee

Hey Patrick.

This opening page is a monster.  The other guys already mentioned the huge amount of detail you threw in here.  I know that, especially in sci fi, authors like to be detail orientated and really paint a picture but for now, stick to telling the story and pepper those details throughout your script.

Leegion wrote a pretty good example you could use for that opening page.  Sticking to short paragraphs (I suggest aiming for two or three) is the way to go.  Page 1 is critical to a script as you want to really set the tone for the story and thus far, all you've really done is give us some detailed shots.

Two comets hit each other with one headed for the sun and the other for earth.  Then we have a hospital.  As far as the story is concerned, that's all that's really happened.  I suggest chopping that fat and getting to the meat of the story.  "Begging" should be "begin" though you really don't want to use the word "begin" or "start" in your action lines.  Just perform the action.  I'm not sure how you'd write that second slug.  I suggest using the CONTINUOUS and stating that it's day in the action.

Page 2 is more of the same.  Big blocks of action and now big blocks of dialogue.  Not to mention that some of your writing is passive.  "Is standing" should just be "stands".  Quite a bit of unnecessary description.  A little is good but too much and it'll hinder the flow of your story.

INT. HOSPITAL - RECEPTION ROOM - CONTINUOUS

CLYBORN(early 20's), (short  description), stares at a painting.

That's all I'd put really.  Since you started on the outside of the building, we already have the images of skyscrapers surrounding the hospital.  The receptionist isn't introduced properly either.  That's all I've got for right now.  Hopefully this helped a bit.  Best of luck.

Hey guys!  Thanks for all the comments!  

I haven't written a script in a very long time so all this feedback is much appreciated.

Kabbottjr, thanks for pointing out my use of "we", I definitely have a hard time avoiding this word.  Like when floating through the sky, I will automatically write "we float through the sky".

Yeah I have a feeling a lot of readers check out after the 1st page.  As mentioned above I agree that it's completely unnecessary and dragged out.  RegularJohn, I'm with you on keeping it simple.  Back to the drawing board on this one.  Although I really like your version Leegion!

Also a heads up after I re-read the script myself (after posting), I found a ridiculous amount of spelling and simple grammar mistakes, such as the "receptionists" plus a bunch of others if you read on.  My apologies, I hope it doesn't distract anybody from the storyline too much until I post an updated version.

Patrick,

I'm assuming your new here to SS, if that's true then welcome aboard! Good on you for getting back into scripts and even more so for getting one done. Congrats!

Quoted from PatrickP Also a heads up after I re-read the script myself (after posting), I found a ridiculous amount of spelling and simple grammar mistakes,

In my own experience here, you can slip on structure, characters and everything else.  When I make simple spelling or grammar mistakes, it is EMBARASSING.  At least to me anyway. Compulsive posting disorder? Not really, but don't think for a second that your concept or characters can make up for it.

Johnny

Patrick,

Right away I noticed the slug, EXT. SOMEWHERE IN SPACE. 'Somewhere' is generic and implies the unknown, but you concluded with a full description of the location. Just use EXT. SPACE and keep it simple.

-Another indicator that this is overwritten from the first block is when you described Jupiter as 'the largest planet in our solar system'. Unless there is something going on with Jupiter that deserves our attention, then we don't need to know that. If you would have said, Pluto, the largest planet in our solar system -- I would have been intrigued.

-'It’s a hospital, we can easily tell because it has a big “H” with a helicopter next to it on the roof.' Is this still in the Earth's atmosphere? (EDIT: I'm the one who spelled it wrong, oops I was convinced it was 'atomsphere') I've noticed you tell more than you show. Even then, it's easier to say that it's a hospital, to make it read less awkward than it should. As Lee suggested above, you need to do some rewriting.

-'This is a very impressive office reception room.' Again, show the reader how it is impressive because leather couches just don't cut it. What makes it impressive? Awards? Techonlogy? Thirteen rehibilated cocaine addicts that can type 98 words per minute? ...and this is all in the first 2 pages, so I recommend reading some well written scripts on the site and taking notes on them.

-CLYBORN, a young adult male.  I've recently referenced the SCREENWRITER'S BIBLE and it gives great insight on how you should introduce a character. For example: CLYBORN, 20, ponders an abstract painting. He's handsome, but his thick glasses confess he chases math equations rather than women.

CLYBOURN (V.O.)
The first obstacle in the job
hunting process is the resume
slash cover letter. Sometimes it
doesn’t matter how good you are at
something. Unless you can make
that something seen, in one form
or another you’ll be nothing but a
frustrated artist.

CLYBOURN (V.O)
The easiest trick is to take the
reader out of their natural boring
every day element. Think to
yourself for a minute, who is this
person reviewing my resume. I
wonder what their desk is like? I
wonder what they had for lunch?
Reach out to them beyond their
daily routine of boring cover
letters and resume reading.
Instead of boring them to death,
entertain them. My resume for
example reads like a fictional
novel.

Creepy. I've never read a script where a character's dialogue sounds like a SS member's feedback. LOL!

-There are way too many grammar and spelling errors, I'm going to email your script back with sticky notes.

-Lot's of V.O.'s to get it going, it starts to take away from the script. The good news is that your dialogue is really solid, I think this is by far your biggest strength in writing. Your character's voices are clear and defined.

-BARNELIOUS ONSLAW BONGO -- I love that name and his entourage.

-When you are overtly repetitive when the story unfolds, 'skyscrapers' or 'they check out this type of --', the reader is going to do one of three things: stop reading (the worst option for you), pause reading (takes away from the read) or skip passages all together (they could miss critical compentents). Keep it clear, simple and visual!

-Ned picks up a bong from off the coffee table and offers
it to Clybourn.

CLYBOURN
Oh, no thanks, I’m full.

Great line.

-'The two cruisers in a single line start to draft. Drafting is when two cars or motorcycles move forward in a single line, typically the two are only inches apart, this allows two units to travel much faster than a single unit can.' Seriously? This block is more suited for dialogue.

Okay, I think you have a descent story here. It took awhile to find it's legs, but when you did, you kept them moving. Some intriguing concepts here too: evolved humans, time divergence and brain puzzles. I was bummed when Clybourn didn't get a tan when he took the green pill. It seems your script has been inspired by works like Inception, Fringe, Tron and Flight of the Navigator.

There was a lot of random sequences and pacing issues that didn't fit the plot of the story. I understand why you did it, but it takes away from other elements. When Clybourn was taken, they spend to much time explaining everything. The motorcycle race, what's going on there? When Clybourn got back, there was a sequence in which the annoyance of humanity was on display, I think if it was inserted more subtly in the beginning, it would have had more impact at the end. Structurally, you answered the question presented in your story, but I kept thinking to myself there could have been a better way to challenge Clybourn in the end. I don't know, but overall I enjoyed the script, I hope it gets more reads.

Later,

Johnny

UPDATE: Also, I think you should find a way to raise the stakes on Clybourn so there is more tension when he is taken.

Johnny thank you very much for the awesome feedback!

The inspiration for the script came from watching "through the wormhole".  I started getting this idea about life taking place around us and took it from there.

Thanks for looking past the spelling, grammar and awkward wording!  I'm from Germany, so when I think in German and write in English it sounds like a 12 year old wrote it.  So really thanks for sticking to the story!

I totally agree with you, there needs to be something that Clybourn does while on the foreign planet.  That's kind of what the motorcycle race scene was about, I was trying to bond the characters together and show that they too got something from the earth human.  But I'm with you it needs to be something much bigger, something that only Clybourn can do because he's not like them.   I gotta brainstorm something.

Absolutely, more obstacles towards the end, I like that advice.  Maybe even a showdown with his ex where he finally wins the argument.  The work scene at the end too, the point was to show how irrelevant everything is (in life), so he just walks in there and quits.  But you're right, it's just a small climax.  He's got so much knowledge in his head at that point, he devoted his whole life to something that's irrelevant, he can't just quit and leave!  

Johnny once again thank you very much and please let me know when you would like me to read your work!