The Reigns: Year One - The Uprising by Devon Lowen Chance (devonhardy) - Drama - How can a family become normal when everything's changing? 103 pges - pdf, format 8)

Hey there Devon,

I've never seen you around so I'll be incredibly brief untill you show up the boards. Once you do show, I'll go into more detail and provide extensive notes. For now, I'll just keep the notes general.

Your "logline" isn't a logline. It's a question which is only in a step when it comes to constructing a logline that is enticing. You should always have a question in your story that needs to be answered, and from that question you can begin to construct the STORY. Your question gives me no insight into what I'm about to read.

You don't need the extra blank page before the screenplay starts. What's it doing there?

Your opening slug isn't a slug... Well it KINDA is but not entirely...

"EXT.EMPEROR CASSIUS' FUNERAL - AFTERNOON" - This gives more insight into what is actually going on then than the location that we're in. "Emperor Cassius' Funeral" is not a location...

Your introduction of the children serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever. You don't even begin to focus on what's important to a screenplay. You spend time telling us the personalities of the characters, which is something an audience can't SEE on film. Only describe what the audience can hear and see. Can we SEE that XTIAM only looks out for himself and started martial arts at four?? No, we can't, so don't even bother writing this into the script. I can't see into his past.

Sorry I don't mean to be harsh. Show up on the boards, read some screenplays and learn what's important to a script. Provide feedback. Respond and you will learn.

Dan

I'm gonna agree with Dan on this. This is written more like a novel than a screenplay.

Keep it visual. Only describe what we're seeing on the screen. Show, don't tell.

I didn't care for the character intros-- you use a whole page introducing each of them, one by one. Not only are the character "backgrounds" totally unnecessary and impossible to film, but introducing characters this way makes it easy to confuse them later on.

If you clump ten character intros on one page, I'm gonna have trouble remembering that Pirro is the master of water... or was it fire? Or was that Fallon?

Basically, write it like we're seeing a movie. And keep in mind, 1 page = 1 minute of film. And your character intros take up an entire page. So are you really planning on spending the opening one minute of your film with shots of all the characters, one at a time?

I'll leave more detailed notes if you show up. Hope this helps...

Will

Hey Devon.

Your logline is an issue.  Not only is it a question but quite frankly, it's very vague and boring.  Not even the slightest inkling as to what we're in store for.  A short sentence or two on the protagonist and his goal is all you need.

So I opened up your script and whoa.  Page 1 is all blocks of detailed intros on five or six characters.  Not the way you wanna kick off your script.  Take out the intros and gradually add them into the mix.  Page 2 would certainly be a better start than the first.  My suggestion:  Write the burial, skip the intros, then intro Pirro and Xtiam as you do in the following scene.

I'll stop there.  Get on the boards and read some scripts to get the hang of it.  Right now your writing is passive and needs some work.  Best of luck to you.

Johnny

What's up guys, thanks for the feedback, I revised the script and is available here: http://www.scribd.com/doc/122366077/The-Reigns-Year-One-The-Uprising-Revised. Though, I'm still thinking of rewriting it.

Quoted from RegularJohn Hey Devon. Your logline is an issue.  Not only is it a question but quite frankly, it's very vague and boring.  Not even the slightest inkling as to what we're in store for.  A short sentence or two on the protagonist and his goal is all you need. So I opened up your script and whoa.  Page 1 is all blocks of detailed intros on five or six characters.  Not the way you wanna kick off your script.  Take out the intros and gradually add them into the mix.  Page 2 would certainly be a better start than the first.  My suggestion:  Write the burial, skip the intros, then intro Pirro and Xtiam as you do in the following scene. I'll stop there.  Get on the boards and read some scripts to get the hang of it.  Right now your writing is passive and needs some work.  Best of luck to you. Johnny

Thanks, could you give me a few tips on writing loglines?

Quoted from crookedowl I'm gonna agree with Dan on this. This is written more like a novel than a screenplay. Keep it visual. Only describe what we're seeing on the screen. Show, don't tell. I didn't care for the character intros-- you use a whole page introducing each of them, one by one. Not only are the character "backgrounds" totally unnecessary and impossible to film, but introducing characters this way makes it easy to confuse them later on. If you clump ten character intros on one page, I'm gonna have trouble remembering that Pirro is the master of water... or was it fire? Or was that Fallon? Basically, write it like we're seeing a movie. And keep in mind, 1 page = 1 minute of film. And your character intros take up an entire page. So are you really planning on spending the opening one minute of your film with shots of all the characters, one at a time? I'll leave more detailed notes if you show up. Hope this helps... Will

Yeah, I agree. The intros were stupid, I saw another script I was reading do this so that's where I got the idea.

Quoted from danbotha Hey there Devon, I've never seen you around so I'll be incredibly brief untill you show up the boards. Once you do show, I'll go into more detail and provide extensive notes. For now, I'll just keep the notes general. Your "logline" isn't a logline. It's a question which is only in a step when it comes to constructing a logline that is enticing. You should always have a question in your story that needs to be answered, and from that question you can begin to construct the STORY. Your question gives me no insight into what I'm about to read. You don't need the extra blank page before the screenplay starts. What's it doing there? Your opening slug isn't a slug... Well it KINDA is but not entirely... "EXT.EMPEROR CASSIUS' FUNERAL - AFTERNOON" - This gives more insight into what is actually going on then than the location that we're in. "Emperor Cassius' Funeral" is not a location... Your introduction of the children serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever. You don't even begin to focus on what's important to a screenplay. You spend time telling us the personalities of the characters, which is something an audience can't SEE on film. Only describe what the audience can hear and see. Can we SEE that XTIAM only looks out for himself and started martial arts at four?? No, we can't, so don't even bother writing this into the script. I can't see into his past. Sorry I don't mean to be harsh. Show up on the boards, read some screenplays and learn what's important to a script. Provide feedback. Respond and you will learn. Dan

Thanks man, I'm here now so if you have any other tips I'm all ears.